To be sick of these comments off family

[Whykeepasking]

Nc for this.

I lost my job at 27 weeks. I was heartbroken. Had to go onto UC and through them I applied for a lot of jobs. Didn't end up getting one. I live in a place where it's hard to find a job, especially pregnant. The only one that came back to me was working in a factory, 40 mins there and 40 back. It wasn't ideal being pregnant and my work coach admitted I would struggle to find much. My aunt made a comment that if I was that desperate for a job I would have took that one.

Anyway, after applying for what felt like a million jobs and not getting anywhere I decided to give up at about 35 week, as DP is working, and I spoke to my work coach who suggested I enjoy the time off with my baby and perhaps ease myself back into work when she's 1 and start part time or go back to college as I am young enough. DP is happy with this as he is working full time, we do struggle fianancially but we manage. (DD is now 6 months)

All I get from my family, and DPs, is bitchy comments about "being on the dole" and it's starting to really upset me. I feel so embarrased about my siutation. I'm made to feel lazy.

For example, I asked my aunt if she knew how UC worked as it confused me at first. She bluntly said shes never been on the dole so she wouldn't know. I sent her a snapchat of me and DD sat on the sofa with the dog and I was in my dressing gown (fully dressed underneath) and she replied saying I was lazy for being in my pyjamas all day. I sent her a picture of something i'd seen in a shop and she asked what I had been up to this week besides "a bit of shopping". When I tell her what I actually do and ask her what she's been doing she says working as per usual. I feel like asking what she did with her babies, leave them at home all day as she works So hard

Same with DPs family, MIL told me there was a full time job going at a local cafe. I said I was hoping to enjoy this first year as me and Dp had agreed worked for us then go back into work. She scoffed at that and said she went back to work when all her children was under 8 mths.

DP sometimes works away and I look after the two (working) dogs. They are big, require a lot of exercise, and sometimes its hard when he is away but we manage. I visited DPs GM and said how difficult it can be sometimes managing them whilst he's not at home and she snapped saying "well, you're at home all day, it can't be that hard, imagine if you had to go to work everyday I did back when we had our dog".

I don't know why everyone seems to assume because I'm on benefits it means i automatically just sit at home all day being lazy and living the life of Riley. A typical day for me is obviously caring for DD, but walking the dogs, going to DMs to cook/clean for her (she is part paralysed I'm her carer), doing the housework, playgroups etc.

Maybe I am BU and these comments are reasonable but I'm fed up of being made to feel like a lazy good for nothing. DPs sister is on maternity leave from her job, never gets comments made to her. I wish I was on "maternity leave" so i didn't feel so useless.

@Powerless i feel for you. My DM can't walk due to her disability and its similar comments made to her, must be nice for her to sit around all day. It's awful. Hope thwy never have to rely on the system

Putting it politely, tell them to fuck off and mind their own business.

What you do, or don’t do, is nothing to do with them. Do not let these people discourage you.

Sorry meant to say work instead of walk!

I would reduce communication with them, there's no need to share photos etc, if you have to be on social media have family members in a separate group and stay on the one with people who are nice to you. Don't put yourself through it. You've nothing to be ashamed of. Women can't win. If you were working all hours you'd have people saying you were neglecting your child.

Focus on enjoying this time with your child, have fun with them. Make a token visit once a month to these bitchy family members and spend more time with like-minded friends.

Tbh you can't change them but you can change how you react to them!
So to your MILs comment about returning to work when her children were 8 months ..." I'm glad that worked for you. This arrangement is working for us!"
Your aunt saying she had never been on the dole ..."That's good! I'll ask someone else then!"
Ignore hearsay about "curtain comments!" or whatever.

Try to stop worrying what everyone else thinks and do what is right for you and your DP. And your Mum. Frankly it sounds to me like you are doing a sterling job!

I wouldnt make contact or be around people who are trying to make you feel like shit. You dont need to justify yourself. Focus on you and your baby and do what you want re nursing . If you were working fulltime they would no doubt be critising you for that too for putting your child in a nursery. Some people are just nasty and unpleasant.

OP they are cunts. I'd stop talking to them.

Even if you were working you would be on mat leave. Are they suggesting looking after your child while you work full time in a cafe? Focus on your small family, and fuck them.

They aren't looking at it from your point of view. They see a family who can just about make ends meet, rely on benefits, and you at home looking after your baby and the dogs, sending pics of you shopping or in your dressing gown, and that when jobs are or were available ie cafe or factory you said no, being happy to rely on your husband and the state.

They aren't seeing this is what you and your husband want, or that it works for you all.

I think you just need to be clear this is what you've decided for the time being, and although it has its difficulties, so does every other situation. As such, to wind it in.

I would just stop communicating with them. They clearly don't add anything positive to your life.

I think you are lucky if you have got through life without having to rely on benefits. I used to work in a job centre.

Enjoy your maternity leave, but just in case you are looking to go back to work, look at the cost of childcare. Maybe your relatives haven't seen the cost of childcare these days especially if they keep referring to any benefits as "the dole."

Dh's job relocation meant I had to leave mine behind, I only had Ds1 at that stage but we were planning Ds2 and with 2 children in childcare in the new area it didn't make financial sense for me to get a job in the new location. That was over 10 years ago. I still don't work, get lots of comments about it. But I don't usually disclose my disability as it is none of their business, mainly the disingenuous school-gate Mums.

You are a carer and a parent. Do what works for your family, sod the rest of them, they aren't living your life. They are clearly bitter about something. If it was such an easy life on benefits more people would be doing it. I am lucky enough to have been on it once between jobs when I was in my early 20s.

OP they are utter cunts and honestly, I'd go low contact with the lot of them. Stop sending them pictures, stop sending them anything, bunch of fucking wankers the lot of them. Enjoy your maternity leave, because that is what it is. I'm astounded that the job centre advised you not to take Maternity Allowance, you would have been eligible for it mere weeks after you were fired (actually, you would have been eligible for it from work weeks later) and could have moved onto UC afterwards. I would see if CAB can do anything about your dismissal too, they were on dodgy grounds even if you hadn't been there for two years because of them being aware of your pregnancy.

Stop being polite to them at the very least. No more updates or whatsapp, civil when you see them but nothing more. Fuck em all. You don't need that kind of shit in your life.

I had the same when I had no choice to be a SAHM in the 80's. It was much later when I realised the effect it had on my self worth.

I agree with distancing yourself from them.

You are not unemployed, you have Caring responsibilities.

Plus you are a Carer.

Would they say the same thing to someone working as a Home Care Worker/Assistant, or someone working in a Children's Nursery?

Start to build up retorts and shut down statements for the times you do have to put up with them.

OP, I don't think benefits are the issue here, reading your updates it seems that these are very unpleasant people and nothing you ever do will be good enough or right for them. I would go very very low contact and not share any details about your life or choices with them. You owe no one an explanation of what you and your DP choose to do and how you live. If you and DP are happy and managing it s got nothing to do with anyone else. Bringing up a child and caring for your dm are very valuable things to do, you are doing more than enough, don't let anyone tell you different. Your dc will soon be grown, cherish these years that won't last long and stop doubting yourself. I don't think these people are happy to want to put this on you. Be kind to yourself x.

They're ignorant arseholes!

I second speaking to acas if you think you were sacked due to being pregnant and I don't think you need to have been there 2 years.

www.maternityaction.org.uk/advice-2/mums-dads-scenarios/pregnant/pregnancy-discrimination/

And ignore the arseholes.

I've a few in my family. I'm not working due to ill health (physical disability plus serious MH issues) what hurts the most is the 2 worst were the 2 I was closest to previously, it's really made me see them in a new light.

Neither of them has ever in their adult lives gone without, suffered extended periods of ill health or struggled at all to be honest. One was a single mum raising my cousins but seems to conveniently forget she had shit loads of free childcare from relatives which not only saved her a fortune but also meant she never even needed time off when her kids were sick so she was able to build a good career inc a good pension. The other doesn't have children at all has never had anyone dependent on them and so again was easily able to build a good career and pension.

They're both retired (early) and in good health (so far)

They've made shitty comments at family events (inc criticising me for daring to break a smile as apparently that means I can't really have depression - numpties!) that frankly have just put me off going altogether - and I get criticised for that too!

They have no empathy & no understanding of what it's like to be on a tight budget or to have major health issues.

My parents think they're in for a rude awakening as they get older and (naturally as everyone's does) their health deteriorates as they're not psychologically prepared for it at all.

As I said the sad thing is we used to be close, now I have no time for them at all.

As for the nursing comment - well that person is an ignorant idiot!

I'm an ex nurse and I'm still in touch with several ex colleagues and have friends and relatives that are recently trained. It is NOT a few days at college! It's a full time degree course one of the most demanding PLUS in essence working full time on placements. So almost like 2 full time jobs! I'd lay odds they couldn't hack it!

So yea, ignore them, don't give em ammo and don't let the bastards grind you down.

You clearly have a good work ethic and have discussed all this with dp and are doing what's right for YOUR family ie you do & baby that is all that matters.

someone in DPs family made a comment of how surprised she was that I bought all new curtains for the house as she thought benefits provided for neccesitites only

Did you point out that your DP works?

I do think it's odd that you are getting this from both your family and his. Maybe you've just been unlucky to wind up with unpleasant and intolerant people on both sides, but perhaps you talk about this stuff a lot and it's "your thing"?

Until this year I was obsessed with my weight and usually mentioned diets or my lack of willpower at every family event, so then people would question what I was eating and notice if my clothes were getting tight. I had to reprogram that dynamic in the end because it was driving me crazy. I didn't allow myself to mention my weight, and looked unconcerned when others did. Don't give them any ammunition and try not to fall into any traps now you know what they are. Do the FB thing of just showing them your best aspirational life (baby milestones, clean house in the background, mention courses you are taking online, etc) and they will eventually get bored of picking at you. (Unless they are irredeemable cunts, but only you know that.)

how long were you at job before you lost it?
i feel for you .... rubbish situation.
don't know where you live but education tends to be expensive and putting out money rather than bringing it in which seems counterproductive when you'll have nursery fees to pay for presumably and are already struggling?
don't mean to be negative, just thinking realistically.
distance yourself from the family members as PP say... presumably they all want access to your child? make them be nicer, its a luxury not a right and you can be super busy.
shut them down, if you're with them, they make a negative comment, say, ok well i've had enough for today, or got places to be, nicer people to see () and head off immediately. don't hang around for a minute longer and let them think about their negative bitter attitudes.

Exscuse me your getting carers allowance for looking after your mum?? Because if so caring for someone is hard work.

Work a lot of people can my and will not do.

Tell your aunt to fuck off. And tell your partner if his mother opens her mouth one more time and he dosnt tell her to shut up then you will and expect his backing.

Every woman is entitled to up to 2 year maternity. Your aunt is a snotty cow and your mil in this case needs bringing down a peg or two.

Being a carer is soul destroying and life altering and never EVER let anyone put you down for that.

Ignore those people. They sound horrible.

Just a suggestion though for when you look for work again, why not as a carer? You could do part time to still care for your mum probably and you already know the job. They might give you help and training to become a nurse too, if you wanted. Dunno though, but just a thought.

Being "on the dole" does not apply in this case. UC is a replacement for the working and child tax credits you would otherwise be recieving as a family on a low income with a young child.

They're batshit. And your DP needs to tell them so. You're on maternity leave with a baby, and will find employment at the appropriate time (if you wish).

Isn't it funny that childcare workers who look after kids between 9 and 5 with weekend off who get paid a wage, are doing a necessary, vital job, yet when mothers looks after their own children 24x7 they are dossers who need to get a job as they clearly don't have enough to do? Ignore them, OP, and go low contact, they sound toxic.

theyre idiots but please stop putting so much on fb and the like my dsis does this and ive told her to watch what she puts as the next thing she knows people are gossipiing abotu her life

its not the law that u need to tell everyone everything-i dont work either for other reasons and have had comments in the past i just ignore them

If her daughter is 6 months and she was sacked when 27 weeks pregnant then she’s out of time to bring a claim even if she did have two years service, would have had to be done within three months.

I haven’t read everything but if you can’t ignore, them tell them you are working a few hours at home online, something vague, even typing or something.
Every mum and dad should have the choice to stay at home and look after infant child.
Also get the cost of an outside agency that would come in and care for your mum. Then tell them you are working 15 hours a week looking after your mum thus saving the government spending X.

Enjoy time with your little one

I agree with the people that have said that you can't control them, but you can control how you react to them. When they say you are on the dole, point out that actually you have 2 jobs. One is providing childcare and domestic chores for your child and partner- while your partner provides finances. And the other is caring for your mother, which saves the tax payer far more than you could earn in a factory. And when they say you shouldn't be going to college just smile and say that you and your OH want better future for your kids than you two had.

I would agree though, stop sending things like photos of you in your dressing gown during the day, out shopping etc, it's really just feeding into their opinion you're living the life of Riley whilst your husband works his arse off and you claim benefits.

You know their opinion, so sending photos like this just confirms it to them.

On the flip side I'd look at your own feelings about your situation, if you feel guilt, as maybe that's making everything seem much bigger than it is.