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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To love my husband but to be in love with another man?

68 replies

NoJudging · 28/11/2018 19:09

I met a man over a decade ago. He was everything I could ever have hoped for, there was just one issue (for me anyway), we were not the same religion. If I had taken it further, I would have had to leave literally everyone I know and love. There was also the fact that I didn't realise at the time he was in love with me too. We hit it off from the very beginning, always had that connection, it was hard not to fall hopelessly in love with him. Because of the religion issue and also fear of rejection, we remained as we were.

Fast forward to today, I am married (to another man) and have two children, whom I love so much. My 'friend' is engaged.

OP posts:
Original poster
NoJudging · 28/11/2018 19:09

Recently, it was my birthday and my 'friend' messaged 12am on the dot to wish me a happy birthday. I was in bed, still awake and I see his message pop up and that incredible electric feeling I always feel when I'm chatting to him courses through me. Just to mention at this point, this connection, a surreal intense feeling is what I have felt every time I have chatted to him, always (we talked a lot before I got married but out of respect, we both eased off afterwards, then it went to messaging on special occasions, birthdays, new years etc). So, he messages to say happy birthday and after talking a little while, we went quiet for a few minutes. I asked him 'So, ask me a question, anything random' (I have always wanted to know if he had feelings for me and this was me trying to provoke a reaction). He replied back and asked 'Do you miss me?'. After that, that was it. One thing led to another and we confessed everything, went over all that's happened over the last 12 years. We chatted all night.

He has been the only person ever to have have known the real me, I've never had to pretend or hide anything from him, he always just accepted the way I am and I him.

Now, we talk every day, we are also planning to meet up and I know that this, to others, will be seen as cheating but I can't help it, he means more to me than anyone has. He is my soulmate. I simply can't live without him and the feeling is mutual. It is bittersweet, very hard to deal with knowing we can't be together (I would never leave my children nor would I take them and leave my husband).

OP posts:
HowlsMovingBungalow · 28/11/2018 19:11

Yabu and I don't need to explain why.

Flatasmytitties · 28/11/2018 19:12

You do not love your husband..you don't knowingly hurt the people you love.

Despicable. Do the right thing. Leave him.

TheMagician · 28/11/2018 19:12

You can live with unrequited love i ASSURE you.

Not ONCE in my life has a man ive loved and been in love with returned the feeling.

And tbh al5hough that sounds a bit sad typing it i am not sure it matters much.

Im happy.

So i advise you to ignore the in love love if you value the love love

Fatasfook · 28/11/2018 19:13

Grass is always greener.

brummiesue · 28/11/2018 19:14

Why are you depriving yourself of your 'soul mate'? You are making a cuckhold out of your husband and his wife, they deserve better.

Fibbertigibbet · 28/11/2018 19:14

YANBU to be in love with two people at once, feelings can't be helped. YAVVVVVU to act the way you are, provoking these conversations and starting an emotional (and likely physical, seeing as you want to meet up) affair. Either leave your husband or cut off contact to this man. You can't have both.

TheMagician · 28/11/2018 19:14

Or unfulfilled love i mean

GrannyHaddock · 28/11/2018 19:15

Another illustration of the misery that religion trails in its wake.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 28/11/2018 19:17

It's a fantasy as being married for years with children can be hum drum. I doubt he would be your soul mate if you were picking his skids up off the bedroom floor.

How can he possibly know you better than your husband, the father of your children? Delete his details.

masterandmargarita · 28/11/2018 19:17

You chose religion over love, not something I would have done

Original poster
NoJudging · 28/11/2018 19:19

I am a muslim and for me to leave my husband would be seen as a sin (I have no friends and so would have absolutely no support if I did ever leave him). I just can't help how I feel though.

OP posts:
Andromeida59 · 28/11/2018 19:21

And this is why I don't believe in "soul mates". I feel sorry for the other partner's in this who have invested so much time and emotions in the relationship. They deserve more than to be your back-up.

CheshireChat · 28/11/2018 19:22

But cheating wouldn't?

You might not be able how you feel, but you definitely have a choice how you act.

user1471517900 · 28/11/2018 19:24

And shagging your soul mate is perfectly fine presumably.... Just as long as you stay with your husband.

SpiritedLondon · 28/11/2018 19:26

Well whatever happens you have spent 12 years denying yourself the person you love. Being completely brutal I hope your God is worth the sacrifice.

masterandmargarita · 28/11/2018 19:27

get some friends and live the life you want to live, not your family or the words of an old book written by some old men

CaliHummers · 28/11/2018 19:28

we were not the same religion. If I had taken it further, I would have had to leave literally everyone I know and love

He has been the only person ever to have have known the real me, I've never had to pretend or hide anything from him, he always just accepted the way I am and I him

So you can choose him, or your religion, friends and family. I think if someone's love is based on you sticking to particular religious rules, it's not a love worth having.

However, I would question how well you know him. I wonder if you just love the idea of him. You say you feared rejection but if you really loved him, would you not have faced that fear? It just sounds like a fantasy to me. This idea of star-crossed lovers forever to be kept apart is just more appealing than the reality of most people's lives - that your partner isn't really your soulmate but someone who farts in bed and leaves dirty dishes in the sink.

mummabubs · 28/11/2018 19:28

I'm sorry OP but I massively agree with what fibbertigibbet said. We sometimes can't help how we feel about people (so YANBU) on that account. But you're actively seeking having an affair which isn't fair on your husband and family or his family, so in that respect YWBVU. The moral options are either a) stay with your husband and accept the ethical thing to do is cut contact with your old friend. Or b) End your marriage first and then be with old friend if he chooses to end his marriage too. I'm pretty sure being of the Muslim faith doesn't give anyone a free pass to adultery? I appreciate your emotional turmoil in this but you asked for peoples' opinions and most if not all will say the same.

Notacluewhatthisis · 28/11/2018 19:29

Yanbu. It's perfectly reasonable to start messaging your ex, planning meets ups and an affair with your ex.......all while being married.

Of course that's totally reasonable. Confused

On a serious note, why the fuck would you even ask if it's reasonable?

And let's not blame religion for not going with this man, or not leaving your husband. Your religion clearly doesn't matter when it suits you.

Original poster
NoJudging · 28/11/2018 19:31

SpiritedLondon It's my one regret and I have to live with it for the rest of my life.

OP posts:
Laiste · 28/11/2018 19:34

I am married (to another man) and have two children, whom I love so much.

You love ''so much'' the children or your husband?

You'll feel shite about yourself for ever after if you have an affair.

Leave your marriage and deal with what that entails and go and be with the other man. That way you can hold your head high and say you did the right thing in the end.

smilethoyourheartisbreaking · 28/11/2018 19:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SexNotJenga · 28/11/2018 19:37

So... You don't want to leave your husband, you just want MN to say its OK to cheat on him?

Does this guy want to call off his wedding?

I suspect that
A) after 12 years, you're a bit bored with your marriage. Tbf, nothing is more exciting and perfect than the relationship that never happened
B) he is having a little pre-wedding quibble and is checking to see if he's still 'got it', by checking to see if he can still pull you.

Hope I'm wrong.

SoyDora · 28/11/2018 19:39

Does your religion approve of adultery?

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