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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To love my husband but to be in love with another man?

68 replies

NoJudging · 28/11/2018 19:09

I met a man over a decade ago. He was everything I could ever have hoped for, there was just one issue (for me anyway), we were not the same religion. If I had taken it further, I would have had to leave literally everyone I know and love. There was also the fact that I didn't realise at the time he was in love with me too. We hit it off from the very beginning, always had that connection, it was hard not to fall hopelessly in love with him. Because of the religion issue and also fear of rejection, we remained as we were.

Fast forward to today, I am married (to another man) and have two children, whom I love so much. My 'friend' is engaged.

OP posts:

ScreamingValenta · 28/11/2018 19:40

I think this man is 'the one that got away' for you.

Supposing religion hadn't stood in your way and he was your partner of 12 years, you wouldn't still be feeling intense longings, electricity, etc. If things had worked out, you would hopefully have achieved a deep level of love and trust with him, but it wouldn't be all excitement and sparkle.

You say you love your husband - if you had been with the other man for 12 years, you would probably feel a very similar level of love.

It's natural to think about what could have been with old flames, but if you were to get together with him (imagining for a moment there was no cultural or religious barrier to divorcing your husband) I can almost guarantee it wouldn't live up to your fantasy.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 28/11/2018 19:41

Your poor husband.

YABU and you know it.

fuzzywuzzy · 28/11/2018 19:41

I’m also Muslim. Divorce is permissible in Islam.

You’re being sinful having an intimate conversations with a man you clearly fancy and arranging meet ups.

If he loved you and you’ll voed this other man you’d have found a way to be together.

Tell your husband about your ‘soulmate’ give him the option to leave you.

You’re being deeply unfair to your husband. You don’t want to leave the home and family and are enjoying all the benefits that come from having that and yet you’re planning meet ups with and spending your emotional energy on another man.

Don’t use religion as a reason for being de ious and lying to your husband. You know well you’re religion does not condone your behaviour and you have the option to divorce. You just want your cake and eat it.

cheesywotnots · 28/11/2018 19:42

What would you do if you thought your husband was in love with someone else, would you just put up with it. Is your husband a good man and a good father, doesn't he deserve the truth. Either tell the friend that you can no longer be in contact, you will not meet him and say goodbye or leave your husband and deal with any consequences of that.

Kittykat93 · 28/11/2018 19:42

Op I understand you can't help what you feel, but you CAN help what you do.

By meeting him you are crossing a line and you know it.

Once you choose to do that, your marriage is as good as over.

Stop this now, or tell your husband and make a decision.

KeepServingTheDrinks · 28/11/2018 19:51

Op I understand you can't help what you feel, but you CAN help what you do.

I came on to say this too. I feel like I understand why you're so tempted, but you're risking hurting all the people you love and care about most, including yourself.

MsLexic · 28/11/2018 19:56

You are emotionally attached to someone else. You allowed that to happen. You could have stopped it any point. Romantic codswallop about soulmates won't make two wrongs make a right. You aren't soulmates because your souls literally belong to different gods/people.
Also, he is probably puffing his ego up .
You sound a wee bit in love with yourself, tbh. Very dramatic.

Oblomov18 · 28/11/2018 20:31

How can you condone your behaviour?

Blanchedupetitpois · 28/11/2018 20:38

Please don’t meet him. You CAN help yourself. You are in control of your actions. What good could possibly come of meeting him?

Ragaroo · 28/11/2018 20:43

Firstly, if you had ended up with the first guy, it might not have worked out. It's easy to imagine what could have been/could be through rose tinted glasses, but it isn't real.

Second... Do you love your husband? Are you willing to work on it? If so, cut contact with guy no. 1... you can't be friends. If you decide to split, give yourself time before moving on to someone else.

You'll have weak moments and regrets, but no contact is the best way of limiting those negative feelings.

Tistheseason17 · 28/11/2018 21:09

I just feel so sad for your poor husband and children. You created a lie of a life for them.

Sommelierrrr · 28/11/2018 22:42

Just rummaged through the kitchen draw op.

Heres a grip, passing it to you

CantsitWontsit · 28/11/2018 22:56

In life, we all have to make sacrifices. For whatever we consider the greater good to be. You made your sacrifices, when you chose to marry your DH. Now you stand by them.

Relationships are not just about belly longings and passion. They carry a responsibility and require constant investment and risk assessment.

If your marriage is a bad one, or you have a DH that makes you unhappy and this is creating a difficult environment for your children and you both, then end it. If you don't want to be with your DH then end it and give him the chance to be happy and with someone who loves him, and then make your childrens stability the focus of your attention.

If you leave him and start seeing this other guy, or see this other guy behind your DHs back, then be strong and expect the worst. You are sacrificing everything and everyones trust in you and all that they believe and hold true, for a guy you have fantasised about. Lust and longing weave their own spells and, like it or not, you will believe what you want to believe, rather than what is actually true.

needmorespace · 28/11/2018 23:07

How can it be a sin to leave your husband but not to contemplate sleeping with another man?
I literally don't understand this.

MistressDeeCee · 28/11/2018 23:07

He may be your soulmate that you can't live without -

But I bet you will have to live without him, as he won't give up his fiancée for you. Especially if she's of the same religion as him. Religion is clearly important, as your previous relationship with him couldn't even get past that.

Poor her - engaged to a man whispering sweet nothings at night with his long ago ex. Shit for your husband too.

If you're going to leave your marriage to be his bit on the side you've lost the plot.

I get that it's exciting. But excitement can't carry you through life. The reality of him won't be what you think.

If you don't want to be married anymore then you can end it. If not and you're going to continue talking to and seeing this man then you're storing up heartbreak 10 times over for yourself.

It's not all about you two either - your husband could find out, and leave you.

You may very well end up with him although I doubt it. But don't keep your husband as 'Mr just in case' that's a rotten thing to do, and I'm sure you'd hate that done to you

garethsouthgatesmrs · 28/11/2018 23:07

He is my soulmate

There's no such thing.

Send him a goodbye message block his number remove him from social media and concentrate on getting over it. If you had got with him 12 years ago he would be farting and snoring in bed next to you, forgetting your birthday or buying you a rubbish gift not texting at midnight and the electricity that you feel would have died out.It's normal to think the grass is greener but it isn't, everyone feels bored with their partner and wonders what it would be like with someone else sometimes. You would be mad to act on it and even without your religion there would be long term implications for your relationship with your children. If you don't love your husband you can leave the marriage but cheating is unforgiveable.

Yidette86 · 28/11/2018 23:11

I'm sorry but it's all just so wrong.

I think both of you are acting appallingly and I really do feel for your husband, and the guys wife.

I realise religion can be complex but having an affair (you're having what seems like an emotional one at the moment) is far worse than leaving your husband.

I think you both should have cut all contact when you got with your partner and it should have stayed that way, you had made your decision unless you are prepared to actually leave your husband.

bridgetreilly · 28/11/2018 23:15

Op I understand you can't help what you feel, but you CAN help what you do.

Actually, I think you can also do quite a lot to change how you feel. Like, if you stop dwelling on 'what might have been' and stop the furtive, exciting messaging at midnight, it will all feel a lot different.

OP, if your preferred outcome is to ruin your marriage, then sure, carry on messaging and meeting this guy. If you are serious about staying with your husband, focus on him and cut the other guy out of your life. Completely. Now.

Then start working on putting the love you say you have for your husband into practice.

munanagi · 28/11/2018 23:28

i think you should meet him. you only live once you can't carry on unhappy forever!!

CantsitWontsit · 29/11/2018 01:01

And I bet you a fiver the above comment is the only one you seriously consider....

CaliHummers · 29/11/2018 06:45

This. It's not been said much on this thread but sometimes there is an attitude of "the heart wants what the heart wants". But actually you can steer your feelings in other directions. And you can allow them to die down quietly rather than feeding and nurturing them.

Alfie190 · 29/11/2018 07:16

So he is not Muslim, so I will take a guess his is not an arranged marriage. So he is preparing to marry someone else and all the while engaged in these conversations and thinking about meeting up with you. He sounds awful. You probably do deserve each other.

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 29/11/2018 07:22

Cantsitwontsit's is a good post.

Language such as 'connection', 'soulmate', 'hopelessly in love' is frequently, IMO, indicative of something that may not stand the test of reality. The 'surreal intensity' of this relationship is a safe haven from the humdrum of life. I agree with MsLexic that there's not a little that's narcissistic about this. You appear to be deploying the star-crossed-lovers narrative to morally justify what you are about to do - to transfer the agency in this to the feelings that have you helplessly in their power. That's not how it really is, though. Neither is it the case that you had no choice originally. I understand the cultural/religious background complicates this, but speaking as someone who really did leave everyone and everything she knew for a relationship (which did stand the test of time - we are 20 years down the line now), there will be a reason why you did not take the step to be with him. There is safety in an unattainable fantasy.

if your marriage is not a good one, leave on account of that, not of him. If it is a source of positive stability, think very, very carefully before throwing it away.

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 29/11/2018 07:23

(And I should add I was not unfaithful. The 'everyone and everything' refers to my family of origin)

alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 29/11/2018 07:24

You sound like you deserve each other. This isn't love, all this soulmate nonsense is very teenage crush. Do the right thing and choose which man you want, you can't have both if you have any shred of decency in you.

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