To love my husband but to be in love with another man?

[NoJudging]

I met a man over a decade ago. He was everything I could ever have hoped for, there was just one issue (for me anyway), we were not the same religion. If I had taken it further, I would have had to leave literally everyone I know and love. There was also the fact that I didn't realise at the time he was in love with me too. We hit it off from the very beginning, always had that connection, it was hard not to fall hopelessly in love with him. Because of the religion issue and also fear of rejection, we remained as we were.

Fast forward to today, I am married (to another man) and have two children, whom I love so much. My 'friend' is engaged.

I don't think you can love your husband if you're planning on doing this. You just want the feeling of security provided by him and having a family. Do not meet this man unless you will ever be serious about leaving your husband.

OP your right, you can't help how you feel, however, you can control how you deal with this.
If your married with kids you have two options:

1. Leave and go be with this man, your family will be very angry with you for ripping the family apart and breaking their hearts because they thing you love them more than anything in the world.
2. Accept that that ship has sailed, make your peace with it, cut the other man off and protect your family life.

Life is tough sometimes, you can't always have it your way but you do have to deal with that disappointment the best you can.

So he’s your soulmate? You can’t live without him? Now think about and imagine this OP....

Imagine that you get together, your eyes meet across the room, the electricity draws you together, you can’t help it, you fall together and make sweet passionate love before returning back to your respective lives. Every week you meet, every week the love is so intense, you struggle to drag yourself away.

Now imagine that your husband finds out. He checked your phone, had you followed, and now he’s decided he doesn’t want to be married to a cheat. So he throws you out. Tells the kids that mummy’s got a new boyfriend and they want nothing to do with you. They’ve decided to live with daddy.

Your family are so ashamed that they disown you. Now you’re on your own but it’s ok, because you have your soulmate and you’re meant to be together. Except it’s his wedding day and he’s marrying the girl of his dreams. And she’s pregnant with his baby because he’s still been having sex with her all the while shagging you on the side. “Oh, did you think I was going to leave her for you? Sorry, but she’s expecting our baby. We have a future to build. Please don’t call me again.” And before you know it he’s blocked your number and you’re on your own, no husband, no kids, no family.

Worth that is he OP?

There is no such thing as a soulmate.grow the fuck up.

Well said @SummerGems.👏

Oh I’d love to live in a world where everything was cut and dried and straightforward. How many of us would need to walk away from someone we felt strongly about because they were the wrong religion? Or because our friends & families would have disowned us? Not many I’m willing to bet. And although I made a flippant comment about religion earlier you know that some women who follow their hearts in these matters get punished be their communities - some even murdered over it so stop acting as this is a straightforward issue. OP this is a tough one.... it could be that the former love is a man that you would have had a long and successful relationship with or it could have fizzled out. Do you think your family would have relented about him over time if you’d stayed with him? What about your DH ..... what’s the situation with him? Was it a love match or a pragmatic choice based on other factors? It’s difficult with a “ lost love” because we can romanticise that they were perfect, particularly if we’re dealing with a mundane day to day life. I don’t know if you should meet him, it seems a shame to spend the rest of your life wondering about someone but you have to understand you could be opening a Pandora’s box which can have a far reaching effect beyond the 2 of you.

I can’t stand some of the puritanical and holier than thou replies on this thread. Some of you just love getting a right kicking in when someone is down. The OP has been polite, reasoned, open and honest; why can’t we all be the same and supportive?

I think a big factor would be if this marriage was arranged?

@NoJudging are you are that this man does feel the same way towards you and that he's not just using you for a bit of extra ego-stroking? I note that his words to you were 'do you miss me?' NOT 'I've missed you so much '. It seems to me that he has asked you to bare your soul, put your family life and marriage on the line for him but in truth what has he given you apart from meaningless platitudes. Saying 'I love you ' (if he has said this) is not the same as meaning it and showing it.

Don’t do it for your OWN sake as well as everyone else’s.

You are setting off a grenade in your own life.

IF you choose to prioritise your religion over your own happiness, then do that. If you meet with him you will create the worst of all worlds for yourself.

At the end of the day though this isn’t about whether the OP is in an unhappy marriage. Her title says that she loves her husband. But if she is in an unhappy marriage then she needs to deal with that as a separate issue to whether she ends up in a relationship with this man.

affairs do happen for all manner of reasons but that doesn’t make them ok even if it makes them explainable. And if she wasn’t able to be with this man in the first place because of religious and/or cultural reasons then if she has an affair with him those reasons will just be amplified if she gets found out.

And if she is in a position where legitimately entering into a relationship with a man would have meant being disowned by her family, then having an affair with one is going to have a far greater impact on her life.

It doesn’t matter whether she believes that he’s her soulmate, something which is just fantacy anyway, the fact is that they can never be together as a couple. If they couldn’t be together when they were both single nothing has changed, and now there are other parties in the mix which make things more impossible than they were back then.

The OP needs to block this man’s number and walk away from the possibility of doing something she might regret for the rest of her life. “I can’t live without this man” is just platitude. She’s lived without him for the past however many years. If he doesn’t want to be with her then she will live without him again. It’s not meant to be, better that they walk away now before anyone else gets hurt into the bargain.

It might be worth her looking closer at her own religious rules. Muslims and Jews can divorce. Catholics can't. I don't know where she got the idea she can't divorce. However it would not be easy and if the new spouse if she remarried is not muslim it sounds like her famly might cast her out so a huge decision to take. There may be some kind of nikah or marriage contract I thik it is drawn up at the mosque before her first marriage which sets out some of the financial consequences of the divorce so woudl be worth looking at that as well as if the possible lover might be able to be with her looking at seeing a solicitor for an hour just to check out the legal options.

Also check you are actually married as unlike with Jews or the C of E in the UK if you marry under islam you do not in the UK also have to have a civil marriage. That is always worth checking too.

Can you explain to me how Catholics can't divorce?

They can and do. Or do yoh mean the church doesnt recognise it? Just like any religion. OP is simply using her religion to to be able to fit the bits she wants.

OP, you are getting a very hard time on here. AIBU can be a bit brutal. You might want to go to the Relationships board.

I think you should not meet the other man (for now) and have a long hard think about what you want out of life.

Forget about the other man for a moment.
If you are unhappy in your marriage then you should end it and give your husband the chance to meet someone who will love him. Presumably he doesn't know what happened all that time ago and if he is a good man he deserves that chance. It isn't his fault that you made that decision. You might only be yearning for the other person because you are actually just unhappy. It doesn't mean you don't love your husband, you can love someone but not want to be with them.

You shouldn't have to do what is expected of you. I find it very hard to understand the religious mindset that makes doing the right thing according to expectations rather than what makes you happy (providing you aren't hurting anyone or doing something illegal) the most important thing in life.

However you chose to stay with your family and your community for reasons 12 years ago. Are those reasons no longer important to you?

You have children to consider. If you are unhappy they will pick up on that. I personally think it's better for kids to grow up with happy parents. But you will be turning their lives upside down. So you have to be sure.

You also have to think about the other people in this situation besides your children and husband. The other man is not treating his fiancee well by having an emotional affair with you.

If you want to be with him then you both have to end your current relationships before you start anything. You would be making a big sacrifice for him in terms of the effect on your kids, hurting your husband and family cutting you off. It could work out. It could be incredibly hard and the relationship might not cope. It's a lot of pressure to put on someone.

If he really loves you he will agree and wait for you until you are ready.

Could you speak to a counsellor about how you are feeling? Sometimes talking to someone impartial can help things seem clearer.

I'm sorry you are in such a messy situation.

I can't believe the word cuckold has actually been used in this thread.

I wish you luck OP and I hope things become clearer.

Notaclue - I presumed when she said she could not divorce as she was muslim she meant under shariah law so I made the comparison with Jewish and Roman Catholic laws. that is all. I accept in orthodox judaism it is not easy to get a Get and for muslim women I htink it's much easier for men to divorce than for women but at least it is religiously possible, which is not so for Catholics.

It is not just like any religion. The religions' laws different around the subject of divorce.

And yes of course all 3 religions if you have been married in the eyes of the state you can certainly get a civil divorce.

Of course Catholics can divorce. My extremely devout Irish Catholic Mother in law got divorced as soon as it was legal In Ireland and is still going to mass every day. It might not be officially recognised by the church but her priest is fully supportive. I reckon that’s hardly uncommon.

So in your religion, its not OK to have a relationship with someone of a different religion, and you prioritised your religion.... But you can have an affair? I don't think you can do that as a muslim...

Xenia I still don't get it. Catholics can and do divorce. The church may not recognise it. But divorce is to dissolve the legal side of a marriage. Not the religious side.

I am sure the op knows her religion sufficiently enough to know that she can physically divorce. Just that it's frowned upon.

My mum is Catholic and divorced twice. Her priests fully supported her reviewing communion. As far as they were concerned it was between her and god. They don't recognise divorce so she couldn't marry in a Catholic church again. As it stands, she married my dad again and they did a blessing.

but what she means is that the Catholic church wouldn't recognise the divorce and don't allow people to marry for a second time in the church