To cancel Christmas plans

[cantbearsedwiththedrama]

Have namechanged for this for obvious reasons.

Friends have invited us for Christmas dinner this year which we were absolutely made up with. They are our closest friends. Kids are similar ages and play great together. Have known them years, for context I have known the husband longer than her and she had become a best friend through him.

They invited us back in September after we had some really awful news, and have previously been lovely to me through some really difficult times. We were happy to be invited and looking forward to it as lovely as mine and dh's families are, they have been a bit much this year and we wanted to prioritise ourselves a bit more on Christmas Day as last years was dampened by selfish family members we were bending over backwards for. Not ruined but not nice enough for us to fancy it again this year. Happy with invite to friends but had they not invited us we would have just had a lovely quiet day just the 5 of us.
Have spent the last few months having catch up chats about how lovely it will be and then popped in for a cuppa about a fortnight ago and she drops that she has cheated on DH. She's not remorseful, she doesn't care. She was proud she had planned it all and pulled it off. She has slept with another man and would do it again. She isn't interested in her dh anymore and doesn't seem phased by what she's done or how it might make her feel.
I didn't know what to say or how to take it, both dh and I are shell shocked. I've always respected this friend and I really didn't think she was like this, I've now seen her in a completely different light. She says she told her dh after it had happened but wasn't sorry as she doesn't want him anymore but he still wants her.
Dh and I both now feel really really awkward about going for Christmas and I feel so awful for her husband. She has since messaged (for the first time since) as if everything is fine and the kids are all excited for a shared Christmas meal but I just feel so uncomfortable and disgusted.
Has anybody been in similar situations?

That's awful. I don't think I could relax and enjoy Christmas with them knowing that. I'd cancel.

I think you should consider telling him to, but the messenger always gets shot!

Good grief

Not been in that situation but I think I might cancel as it could be really awkward!

I wonder if she has actually told her husband the whole story? Poor man - especially as she doesn't seem remotely bothered by what she's done

We're both very honest people so usually good with having to the point conversations. I'm very polite and courteous about it whereas she can be quite pushy and argumentative.
Don't know if that makes sense I'm just dreading how to approach or what to say as I want to be honest but just don't know how to say I'm disgusted with your actions without causing WW3 with close friends

cripes I couldn't go in that situation and in fact I'd tell him what's going on. I wouldn't want to continue a friendship with her if she can carry on like she has the morals of a gutter rat poor guy and the poor kids

@mortifiedmama I do believe she has told her husband about it. Unsure if she's having some kind of mid life crisis or? She was openly discussing it and even seemed proud. She was happy about it all and didn't seem to care for his feelings.
I've talked it all out with dh who has messaged him saying something along the lines of "heard things aren't great, is everything ok, pop in for a cuppa when you get chance" and he said things had been bad for a while but didn't mention the other man outright. Maybe out of embarrassment to bring it up though.

Why do you want to stay friends? I would tell her what I thought about her and move on...

Definitely don't go, just say "Thanks a million for the offer, we too we're looking forward to it but I have to be honest and say what you told me when we met up has totally changed things for us so we're going to stay home this Christmas. Thanks again for the offer" see what she comes back with but I definitely wouldn't be going, how awkward!

Gosh what a bad situation for you, your family and her DH, OP! I would have to cancel. I would text her and say "sorry, after what you told us we don't feel comfortable with coming, maybe another year" then distance myself. For the husband I think I'd speak to him and say you understand how rocky things have been and maybe you'll meet up another year, if he persists then I think I'd tell him the worst (but as gently as possible) . The last thing you want (especially for DCs is for this to come out on Xmas Day - could be explosive).

@Ginger1982 tbh that's my main concern as I'd like to do that with her (which she wouldn't take well) but her dh and children are dear friends too as I said I've known him longer and at the moment they are still together, I don't want to loose them as friends so unsure how to handle it

@BlueJava that sounds like a reasonable txt to send. I'm just so angry.

I would get the husband round and talk to him and ask him what he wants to do. It may be better for him if you are there over Christmas. If it gets hairy, you can leave.
I'd make it all about supporting him. She's behaving like a shit.

Yikes. I can kinda see this from the wronged DH's point of view in that he might want to maintain 'normal' (whatever that looks like) Christmas for their kids and possibly deal with this all afterwards. Maybe relying on you guys coming to diffuse the tension.

I can certainly understand you feeling like cancelling but to me it would come down to how close I was with the DH and how much of a friend I wanted to be to him. Maybe you could go over for part of the day instead of the whole day if its too much or as @TeeBee says you can leave.

Why are you angry? She didn't cheat on you. Neither did she cheat thinking ooh this will make christmas dinner awkward.

See what the DH would like to do. Could he and Dc come to yours if things escalate further?

I think it's more than reasonable to let her know you feel the friendship has changed as values have been broken.

Ask her DH what he wants. As a previous poster says, he might be really glad to have you there to support him. Stop being so angry. It isn’t about you and she hasn’t done anything to you. I get you are shocked but hopefully when that wears off you can approach this more rationally.

So you’re punishing her husband and children because of what you think of her? Yeah, that’s really moral and the trademark of a good friend. Not.

Tbh, she had an affair, her husband knows and has decided to stay with her. What he does and doesn’t know isn’t any of your business neither is the fact that they’re still married despite what she’s done.

Cancelling because of what you think of what she’s done says far more about you than it does about her. It’s not as if she’s asked you to keep her secret and you’d be there maintaining the facade. He knows. What he knows has nothing to do with you. But if you start cancelling plans with him because of her then that’s going to make him feel far more isolated than if you just maintain the friendship. You’re not her moral guardian. And nobody knows what goes on in someone else’s marriage.

I feel bad for the DH, if you don’t go or cut contact he’s basically being ‘punished’ for his wife being a skank.

DP has some close friends and he hangs out with them as a couple despite knowing the H has been cheating on her for years. It makes me think badly of DP tbh but he feels like he can’t be the one to drop the bomb in their family, so just buries his head about it and acts all normal.

At least in your case (if she’s being truthful with you, which you’d hope she is, otherwise you could put your foot in it big style!) the H knows so nobody is having to pretend or gloss over anything. If he’s chosen to stay with her anyway he will need all the friends he can get, so personally I think I’d reach out to him and say after what she told you, you feel differently about her and don’t really want to spend your Xmas day with her ever this year, but if he wants to pop round to yours for a mince pie later in the day he’s welcome.

Tbh I find all these “i would never maintain a friendship with someone who did x or y” incredibly self righteous. Reality is that every single one of us will have friends who have done something morally dubious at some point in their lives. Anyone who says that they only ever maintain friendships with people who have lived absolutely 100% moral lives to the letter is lying. Life just isn’t that black and white.

Stop thinking of yourself as the Monogamy Police. People conduct their relationships in a variety of different ways and it's not really any of your business even if you know them well. Sticking your beak in is going to make the situation worse for everyone.

Only continue with the Christmas plans if you are sure that you can behave yourself after a couple of drinks, and won't start lecturing her about morality over the pigs in blankets. And yeah, OK, possibly consider ways of making an early exit if she and her H start sniping at one another too seriously.

Well I would feel differently. I am nobody's moral guardian, but I am also allowed to choose who I want in my life based upon their morals.

I personally find that most people capable of doing something as selfish and destructive as cheating tend to be perfectly capable of including anyone in their shitty behaviour. After all, her children weren't shielded from the outcome of her shitty little extra-marital coup when she told her husband, were they? He could have reacted anyhow.

Also the world is full of men who like to play the noble martyr when their wives have had sex with others - never mentioning that mr Noble Martyr was shit in bed and constantly picking away at his wife's confidence and self esteem in private...

This would be the end of the friendship for me. I'm not friends with people I don't respect and admire. Definitely cancel and say actually she's put you in a very awkward position and you think the best option is just to do it separately.

never mentioning that mr Noble Martyr was shit in bed and constantly picking away at his wife's confidence and self esteem in private...

End the relationship, then you can have sex with who you want when you are single. Never an excuse for motivated/planned cheating.

I also think her husband might want you there as you'll be a distraction. It will be pretty awful for him otherwise, I'd think. But, as others have said, why not ask him?

I agree with @Teebee, you should be led by her DH in this. Talk to him when he comes over and see what he wants to do. He may want to ditch her and come to you, or he may want your help to get through this Christmas for the kids. Whatever he should be your focus. Support him.