To cancel Christmas plans

[cantbearsedwiththedrama]

Have namechanged for this for obvious reasons.

Friends have invited us for Christmas dinner this year which we were absolutely made up with. They are our closest friends. Kids are similar ages and play great together. Have known them years, for context I have known the husband longer than her and she had become a best friend through him.

They invited us back in September after we had some really awful news, and have previously been lovely to me through some really difficult times. We were happy to be invited and looking forward to it as lovely as mine and dh's families are, they have been a bit much this year and we wanted to prioritise ourselves a bit more on Christmas Day as last years was dampened by selfish family members we were bending over backwards for. Not ruined but not nice enough for us to fancy it again this year. Happy with invite to friends but had they not invited us we would have just had a lovely quiet day just the 5 of us.
Have spent the last few months having catch up chats about how lovely it will be and then popped in for a cuppa about a fortnight ago and she drops that she has cheated on DH. She's not remorseful, she doesn't care. She was proud she had planned it all and pulled it off. She has slept with another man and would do it again. She isn't interested in her dh anymore and doesn't seem phased by what she's done or how it might make her feel.
I didn't know what to say or how to take it, both dh and I are shell shocked. I've always respected this friend and I really didn't think she was like this, I've now seen her in a completely different light. She says she told her dh after it had happened but wasn't sorry as she doesn't want him anymore but he still wants her.
Dh and I both now feel really really awkward about going for Christmas and I feel so awful for her husband. She has since messaged (for the first time since) as if everything is fine and the kids are all excited for a shared Christmas meal but I just feel so uncomfortable and disgusted.
Has anybody been in similar situations?

I get it OP.

Me and DH had a similar situation with very close friends but with the added ease of no Christmas dinner planned together.

The DH of our friends was our friend first. Over the year we (I especially) became very goods friends with his DW.

We live in nearby cities so didn't see each other too regularly, about every 3 months or so with a weekend stay. We holidayed together sometimes etc. Kids got on well.
A few years back we realised that our friends hadn't been in contact. We phoned, messaged but nothing. Then out of the blue, the DH rang me to say they were getting a divorce. I was so shocked. The whole story came out about the DW had been having an affair. She said she wanted to leave and live on her own (without the kids). He pleaded with her to go for counselling etc but she refused. Said she'd been unhappy for years.
I rang her and she was so different. Said she was going through the menopause, someone at work showed her attention and she realised what she was missing. So she left. It sounds so patronising of me but I felt so disappointed in her. Like she was saying and acting like a different person.

Me and my DH took a step back. They divorced quickly and sold the dream house they'd been renovating for 10 years. We stayed in contact with the DH of the couple but the DW seemed to disappear.

2 year later, we still see the DH regularly with his new gf (who's lovely). I'm only in FB contact with the DW. She's still seeing the other man, but writes lots of passive aggressive things about the ex-dh on fb (which I ignore). My dd is close to her dd and I hear awful stuff about screaming matches between DW and the kids.
I hate it. All of it. Basically the whole situation went to hell in a handcart.

Lord knows how I'd feel if they'd decided to stay together. I think I would have respected it. Like a PP said, no one know exactly what goes on in a marriage.

I miss those times together though.

I think your husband should take the other husband out for a drink and talk things through. For one thing, if he's been cheated on, he shouldn't be the one on the sofa. And why is he doing all the housework?

Didn't you have any sign that this woman was like that? It sounds as though she was really flattered by her affair and is showing off when she's telling you about it. Is this part of her character usually?

steamed well it's the telling that's the problem really isn't it?

Can you really imagine passing the sprouts to poor old Derek, knowing full well that Jan has been shagging the milkman?

That sounds like a mess I could stay well out of.

This is why I don't tend to have couple friends, too fucking messy.

(& yeah, it's like the pp speculating that the marriage was awful before and he must have done something to deserve being cheated on - it's all that shit that makes a shit situation even worse) I don’t think that anyone has said that the cheated on party deserved to be cheated on. But very, very often affairs are a symptom of already existing issues within a marriage, doesn’t mean anyone deserves to be cheated on but if the couple decide to work things out there are usually issues on both sides which need addressing in order to put the marriage back on an even keel. And invariably nobody but the couple in question know what those issues are and neither do they deserve to.

But I agree that by cutting off the whole family the dh will be left feeling as if he is being punished for staying in the situation.

I would stick to your plans, enjoy the company of the DH, whom you have known a lot longer than her, let the kids play and maintain their friendship and just smile and act nice with his wife. He knows about it, it's not like you are all keeping a secret from him, which would have been awful, and I agree with PP, if they have decided to keep their marriage going for now, it is not your place to judge. At least if things do go to hell, her DH will know you will be there for him and the children. But I get why you are angry. Shit happens, but the fact the she planned this and now brags about it to mutual friends is disgusting. It would make me furious to see a friend treated this way and to feel like I had been involved in their humiliation.

Who knows, maybe they have an agreement? I've known people to have "open marriages" before (which always ended in disaster, but that's besides the point).
Personally, I'd speak to the husband. Tell him his wife told you something which is making you uncomfortable and you're mindful you might be "in the way" at Christmas. Let him speak to you if he wants to.

'Existing issues within a marriage' can just mean that one person is bored of doing the routine stuff that makes a family function and have convinced themselves they are entitled to some fun on the side.
It doesn't necessarily mean there was something fundamentally wrong, besides the selfishness of one person.
I hate the implication that if one person cheats, their partner must have done something to deserve it. Lots of cheaters will admit their marriage was happy and they just did it anyway.

It's so upsetting when good mates go tits up.

I was very upset last year when my good friend's DH left her all of a sudden for some floozy he'd met online.

He thought we'd still be his friend! He tried to ask DH and I over to meet his new woman and have drinks and dinner!!

We said "Erm...no ta" and haven't socialised with him ONCE. Wanker. Some people are so up themselves it beggars belief.

I don't think any friends are close enough to spend xmas day with anyway, it's for family.
This as well as your friends attitude just makes me think they are using you anyway.
They obviously don't want to spend it together so were looking for another family to spend it with.
There's no way I'd be going anyway, but had I accepted the invitation I'd be declining and telling her why.
With alcohol and emotions that come with Christmas too, it could kick off big time.

It’s one thing to have a broken marriage and quite another for one of the spouses to dump everything (housework and children as well as full time work) on the other. Regardless of why their marriage is in this state, I would have lost respect for the fact that she isn’t doing her share with the DC. If she wants to end the marriage they need her as much as their dad, or is she planning to sideline them too?

I agree, go for part of the day so that you can boost the morale of the DH and DC. Eat the dinner and allow the DC to play. Let the DH know in advance that you will be there for him and the DC, also that if the worst happens he and the DC are welcome at yours

But its not YOUR business.
You have no idea of the ins and outs. You are JUDGING according to your own guesses.
You are taking decision for your friend, the DH,who any consultation with him as to what he would prefer.

Who do you think you are to decide for him what is best? If sleeping in the couch is ok/miserable/unacceptable/a step to repair the Relationhsip/something HE has decided to do until he is clearer as to what is the next step.

All the ‘I don’t want to go there. I’m too angry. Will feel uncomfortable because of the elephant in the room’ is all about YOU. Not about your friend, not about the dcs.

Start by talking to him and asking HIM what he would like.
Ask him if you can help him and what would be most helpful to support him.
Then, and only then, decide whatbyubare going to do this Christmas.

I can understand why you wouldn't want to hang out with her, but dropping the whole family is surely unfair punishment - the husband and kids haven't done anything wrong and they've probably got a pretty shitty year coming up. I'd suck it up and do Christmas with the whole family, though opt out of any 1:1 meetups or 'girly' phone chats with the wife.

You have the right to judge your friend. She told you about this and therefore you become involved.

The whole family are your friends and they are all looking forward to seeing you all. Will you be allowing your disappointment/anger at one of them prevent you being there as friend and support for the rest of them?

I don't know how I'd react in your situation OP, but I'd be weighing up the impact of cancelling and how I would explain it to their whole family before I made the final decision.

i disagree with most here, you do have the right to be angry with her, you were all a unit, a friendship unit, you have shared family time and agreed to share a time that is for most one of the most important family gathering there is, a time to show love and gifts and gratitude
Now she has broken faith with you all, she has changed the unit dynamic, she has thrown the balance of the unit out of wack and left all but her with hurt and confusion, her own family must be in a million states of pain and stress and disbelief, and you and your husband ( the children will be too eventually) in shock and hurt that she has so little regard for her marriage and family that what regard does she have for you and your family, she has ruined the genuine friendship you felt was heartfelt and important.... you are right to be hurt and angry, on her families behalf and for your own
i think you need to talk to him and ask what he wants, i think i personally couldn't stop my disappointment or even anger showing towards her if it was me ( assuming i had such a friendship)

Sadly a lot of people have cheated on their partners, many do not discus it with friends. I know someone who cheated on her husband several times, he knows and has stayed with her, that’s his choice and no one else’s business, would it stop me going over there? No, probably not. I know many people who have cheated (mainly men) and their wives are totally oblivious, to the outside world they have perfect relationships, happy family life etc..

I don’t agree with cheating, it’s a awful thing for anyone to do but it’s none of my business what friends get up too, I would rather that don’t tell me.

I don't think it's necessarily about judgement. The OP's friend massively overshared, and now the OP and her partner are going to feel uncomfortable all the time.

I would give it a miss.

Cancel. Have xmas in your own home

But. Make sure her DH knows that he can come to you guys if he needs any help/support. Let him know your home is open to him on xmas day.

She sounds vile.

Lots of mixed responses.

For the few saying I need to stop judging morals and stay out of what isn't my business, I don't for one minute see myself as any kind of moral compass and I'm not a judgemental person but I don't feel out of order being disgusted by her behaviour.

I had noticed friend had become very lazy over the last 3 or 4 years, but didn't think much of it. She will click her fingers and demand both her husband and mine run around after her toddlers (we have toddlers too) yet I haven't once seen her get up after them herself over the last few years, she seems so disinterested I've wondered if she has pnd. I really don't want to give too much information that I out the situation completely but i can't see the husband has done anything wrong. I've been round to the house a few times in the last few months, eldest has been off school for no reason on a handful of occasions, like literally no reason other than apparent laziness on mums part. Younger children have been in dirty pjs in late afternoon and they never look clean (think crusted over snot covered faces but enough to make it look like they haven't been washed or wiped in a few days). I know everybody's standards drop a bit after they have kids but the more I think about it the more there's quite a dramatic change from what she was like as a parent a few years ago. She just ignores them everywhere we go and leaves him to sort the kids out in every way, even expecting my oh to do it if her oh isn't there. It bothered me the last few months that she was wanting to meet up and ignoring the kids and I was left trying to supervise and attend to 6 children while she sat and ignored them but that's a separate issue, I'm not saying all of that to make her sound like a bad parent or make judgement,, just that the issues seem more with her than him and it seems really unfair that he's sleeping on the couch because he's apparently disgusting to look at and he's doing the lions share of housework and everything with the kids, while she's laughing about planning to have sex with other men behind his back. If seems borderline abusive. It just doesn't sit right. I do need to try and get the dh on his own and just offer a bit of support and I do want to be there for him and the kids but me and my family are going through really rough circumstances at the moment anyway and selfishly I just don't want to spoil a Christmas by being around somebody like that.

@EtVoilaBrexit Yes and your point is?
I think I'm more than entitled as an educated adult to decide that I want my choice of how I spend Christmas Day to be mainly about my family and my feelings.
Its a horrible situation but Christmas is as much about my family as theirs thanks.

I really can't grasp how me now feeling different about sitting down and eating Christmas dinner in these circumstances and having my own feelings about the situation means that I am dropping them as a family?
I'm happy to see them at other times and really value dhs friendship (not so much hers now) but having massive doubts about Christmas dinner when as I have pointed out we are in a difficult situation anyway. I don't want to post too many details and make it a recognisable situation but we have recently had a devastating diagnosis

OP, I am not sure if it was your intention but your description of your friend's actions in your post at 12: 46 would make me feel incredibly concerned for her. Not too sure where your feelings of disgust are coming from.

This is not to say that her DH is not suffering horribly too...I am sure he is, but on your own description, my heart goes out to her. And it would seem that her infidelity is a symptom rather than a cause. I could be way wide of the mark, as I say, I only have your account to go on, but I have no reason to think you're not totally telling it how it is. It's just that I am drawing different conclusions.

You are on the horns of a dilemma re Christmas Day I can see that, and I do understand you have problems of your own, but I really think she seems deserving of sympathy.

From what you have written about her now, it sounds like there is a lot more going on than just someone having an affair. She sounds like she is in a bad place. Maybe this couple actually need some support from non-judgemental friends?

Sounds like you need to prioritise your own family and making happy Xmas memories. From what you are now describing you would not have a relaxing, fun, cooperative time at your friends’ house. Obviously be supportive to them generally but you are their friend, not their counsellor, parent or psychotherapist. You are not punishing the DH by not going there for Xmas, you are making a judgment call in the best interests of your family unit. As someone said upthread you can invite them to you on another day for a visit for the children to get together, but it is not your job to fix things for them.

Yep that’s exactly what I am saying.
You dint want to be there because you feel different and just couldn’t bare to be in the same room than the dw.

Ok. That’s fine. You can cancel for that reason alone.

However, you cannot then come back and play the ‘oh poor husband/friend who has been let down so badly by his dw’ because you might have done exactly the same thing (you won’t know if you dint ask HIM if he would prefer you to be there for Christmas for example)
And nor can you say he dw is awful and how hard it has to be for him when yu have no idea what your friend is trying to do.

Basically, don’t go and see them if you don’t want to.
But then don’t make it all t been concerned about the dcs, your friend etc... because it won’t be. If it was, you would talk to him first.

You need to remember that your fiend might well decide to STAY WITH her. In which case, whatare you going to do when you are told both them how disapproving you are of the situation?

I wouldn't go OP.

At best, you will feel awkward and have another sort of crappy Christmas.

At worst, it could be like a Christmas episode of Eastenders.