To cancel Christmas plans

[cantbearsedwiththedrama]

Have namechanged for this for obvious reasons.

Friends have invited us for Christmas dinner this year which we were absolutely made up with. They are our closest friends. Kids are similar ages and play great together. Have known them years, for context I have known the husband longer than her and she had become a best friend through him.

They invited us back in September after we had some really awful news, and have previously been lovely to me through some really difficult times. We were happy to be invited and looking forward to it as lovely as mine and dh's families are, they have been a bit much this year and we wanted to prioritise ourselves a bit more on Christmas Day as last years was dampened by selfish family members we were bending over backwards for. Not ruined but not nice enough for us to fancy it again this year. Happy with invite to friends but had they not invited us we would have just had a lovely quiet day just the 5 of us.
Have spent the last few months having catch up chats about how lovely it will be and then popped in for a cuppa about a fortnight ago and she drops that she has cheated on DH. She's not remorseful, she doesn't care. She was proud she had planned it all and pulled it off. She has slept with another man and would do it again. She isn't interested in her dh anymore and doesn't seem phased by what she's done or how it might make her feel.
I didn't know what to say or how to take it, both dh and I are shell shocked. I've always respected this friend and I really didn't think she was like this, I've now seen her in a completely different light. She says she told her dh after it had happened but wasn't sorry as she doesn't want him anymore but he still wants her.
Dh and I both now feel really really awkward about going for Christmas and I feel so awful for her husband. She has since messaged (for the first time since) as if everything is fine and the kids are all excited for a shared Christmas meal but I just feel so uncomfortable and disgusted.
Has anybody been in similar situations?

Hi op,if you could go with his decision,I'd definitely ask the husband what he wanted.it may be that he is counting on you going for the day to make it a happy one for his dc.If you pull out without talking to him he might feel let down and alone.Hard as it will be,if he asks you to continue with the plans,it will take some pressure off of him to make Christmas special.good luck.

At best, you will feel awkward and have another sort of crappy Christmas.

At worst, it could be like a Christmas episode of Eastenders.

Exactly. I personally would not go, because Xmas is hard when you're somewhere you don't want to be and feel uncomfortable being. Moreover, your kids deserve better than an EastEnders Xmas.

I definitely couldn't go. I have Foot In Mouth disease - the more I'm not supposed to say something, the more I can say nothing else, so the day would be a total disaster.

Fake your own death or whatever you have to do to get out of it, is my advice.

@Tawdrylocalbrouhaha that made me laugh haha!

For the few posters saying I need to be more sympathetic with her, she had my support for a long long time while I've watched her treat her dh like Cinderella and she's been at times over the last few months downright insulting to others. I do wonder if she was a man treating his wife the same way if everybody would be demanding I give her sympathy. Men end up trapped in awful relationships too and I feel that's what's happening here, I don't know how you could be so brazen and proud to hurt somebody who does everything. Not sure how much more sympathy I can really give and I feel like saving any I do have for my friend who may end up a single dad.

@VickyEadie that's exactly how I feel.
The angry bit inside of me wants to say why but it's not in my nature and I don't want to make anything more awkward or difficult so dh was saying we may just pull a sickie on the day and spend the day at home nice and quiet.
will try and speak to her dh first though

You do not feel comfortable with going and so I think you should decline now, with nearly four weeks to go. A small thing, but at least it gives all of you time to plan the alternatives, and for the couple concerned to plan a smaller Christmas.

God, don't pull a sickie on the day! You know how stressful getting Christmas dinner ready is, and if it's her husband doing all the work, that would be a really nasty thing to do, not to mention very disappointing for the children.

If you're not going, at least have the decency to let them know asap.

Very true @Motoko. That would be really unfair.

I wouldn't go either, but would let them know now rather than pull a sickie on the day. Any chance you could arrange meet up with the kids on neutral ground for a short play date over Christmas instead?

I wonder if these responses would be the same If the husband had cheated and was proud about it.

Cant

Ordinarily I’d say talk to her DH and if he knows about her affair/intention to do it again, yet isn’t ready to leave her and really wants your support on CD then suck it up for him and all the kids.

HOWEVER, it sounds like your own situation is actually more devastating than theirs, so I think you and DH should do what would make the person in your family with the devastating diagnosis the happiest.

Make this a good Christmas for the person with the diagnosis, they don’t have a choice in that. Your friends have choices.

I'm not interested in what other people do in their marriages. If i was friends with only the woman and she told me in confidence i would just carry on. But this is different, she has dragged both of you into a weird and awkward situation.

There's nothing worse than being the guest of a couple who aren't getting on. I wouldn't bother judging their situation but would say that you will give them space this year.

Sending her a text that you don't feel comfortable having Xmas with her would be what I'd do. Then I'd text the H separately (as PP suggested) saying that you feel it's better if Xmas is called off as you understand things are unsettled for them, but that you care and are there for him. I'd be tempted to tell him to feel free to come over for a drink and some snacks on Xmas Eve (or Day) if he feels the need to get out of the house.

I think his wife seems unwell if she has changed so much,this is more than an affair.Maybe your thoughts about pnd was on the mark,maybe that's why her DH has stepped up and not leaving her.

But why make Christmas about their situation - it can often be an emotive time anyway and especially when it sounds like you have more than enough reasons to stay at home as a family?
If you blame not being at Christmas on her behaviour then leave them to fester on their own on the day, god knows what might get said - and possibly in front of their kids.
Take Christmas out of the equation - let them both know that due to your circumstances you've decided to spend Christmas as a family. They may know - or not - the revelation has influenced this but let it go for that day.
How they and you decide to act going forward is different and can be based on your moral compass, how they decide to behave as individuals and couples, and whatever continues to happen in your family .... just don't make it about Christmas

Yes I would cancel. I think your friend has taken the Goodwill To All Men bit a tad too far (except for her own poor DH).

Tis the season to be trollop jolly

Hardly festive. I envisage a drunken row over the sprouts and an ambulance being called.

Could you word it as concern for him them rather than you feeling uncomfortable? Maybe say 'I hadn't realised things were bad between you and DH until you told me what's been happening. I'm sure the last thing you need this year is guests so we're thinking we'll have a quiet one at home and let you do the same'. Or words to that effect, you could counter any arguments with 'oh no we couldn't possibly intrude' type responses then because you've made it sound as though it's concern for them stopping you coming. Just a thought.

And that's the trailer for the Christmas episode. Just saying....

Don't get involved. Politely decline going over for Christmas and let them get on with it. I definitely wouldn't be involving myself in that drama. If her husband knows then he knows and it's up to him what he's going to do re the relationship.

* I do wonder if she was a man treating his wife the same way if everybody would be demanding I give her sympathy.*

^I agree. I wouldn’t go and I couldn’t stay friends with a hideous woman like that.

I can't stay friends with her. There's just no respect there whatsoever now.
We've asked her dh and he would really like us there so we're going to go for a short time and then come home and have some family time.
What a mess

Namechange fail OP.