AIBU - au pair binge eating...

[Shuzza]

We have had 5 au pairs over the years and have had fantastic experiences so am usually pretty confident in dealing with more issues that come up, but I am really concerned about our current one.

She is 19, Italian and generally very lovely, sweet with the kids and does whatever we ask her to do. She had a terrible experience just before us where the previous family didn't pay her/ let her use washing machine/ eat with them and so she arrived in our home very grateful and a bit bewildered.

She mentioned she previously had an eating disorder but 'is fine now' however other than half a mug of breakfast cereal in the morning she doesn't eat. She excused herself from family dinners as she eats 'later' or Italian time (we have 6.30pm dinner so understand early for continent!) but she doesn't ever make herself anything. What I have noticed is the significant amount of chocolate and biscuits that have disappeared but to the point of worrying - we bought a huge 1kg box of chocolate for Christmas - it was basically emptied within 48hrs.

I'm torn between thinking that my diet at uni was predominantly cheese toasties and biscuits and I worked it out and that really it is none of my business, to feeling very responsible and concerned and that I should talk to her, but don't want to shame/ embarrass her.

Help please! I have two daughter aged 3 and 6 so am also aware of that impact, although so far no signs they are concerned/ have noticed. I just really can't decide if it's my business or not if it's not affecting us directly (other than biscuit cost....)

Lock the sweet stuff away-if she wants to binge she can buy her own. Just make sure there's plenty of healthy stuff so she isn't actually hungry.

I think it would be good to just state the facts and sake her to join you for family meals even if she just has a light healthy snack. I would come from the angle that you know how awful her last placement was and how that must have been very difficult to cope with and has that made her tempted to binge again?

It's tricky because you do have a duty of care towards her

Yes I think I have a duty of care too, it's just such a fine line! Will be very difficult to persuade her to join for meals, have tried already by asking what she'd like and how we'll do something special for her but she politely declines and heads to the gym....

If she wants to binge she can buy her own. I highly doubt she 'wants to'. Such empathy.

The poor girl. You are in such a tricky position but it sound like an eating disorder rather than 'being a teenager'. I would lock the binge food away, just so you are helping her but I wouldn't bring it up as you are right, it is likely to shame/embarrass her and potentially make the habit worse.

You could ask around the not eating dinner though, as she confided in you on the eating disorder. Perhaps just say you're worried about her not having any dinner, understand she had a previous experience that was awful, understand that it must have effected her as it would anyone, and you are there to help if she needs? It's nice that you want to help her.

Erm you just insist it's part of her duties as you want the DC to see her there as part of the family...

You could say they've mentioned it

Actually going to the gym at that time and coming back... very tempting to hit the sweet stuff she'll be starving and wanting a quick fix!

Can you leave a small portion of whatever you have for her to have on her return from the gym? Maybe have lighter dinners for a few days to make it easier for her?

Such a tricky one OP. It does sound as if maybe her disorder is escalating?
What about a 'watch and wait' approach for a couple of weeks? See how things go, see if she seems to be losing weight and, most importantly for you, make sure that she is OK with your children? Ask her if there's any particular food that she enjoys and make sure you have that in stock?
At the end of the day, your prime responsibility is to ensure that your children are safe. The question is whether her ED impacts on that and whether you can help in any way.

I wouldn't lock food away without talking to her, she will realise this then might get paranoid about what's being said behind her back etc. Do you have a good relationship with her otherwise OP? I would do the duty of care angle. Find some time to talk to her with no kids around and tell her you are worried about her (which you are) and see what she says and offer to help in anyway you can. Ask her if it would help if you lock the food away. I have a tendency to binge and this would help but not if it was done sneakily without talking to me!

I think you should discuss it with her openly and honestly. She has given you an opening by sharing her background. This isn't the sort of thing that gets "cured" it is more a coping mechanism which needs mindful avoidance. Ask her what has been helpful in the past.

Locking away / not having sweets and crisps will make no difference, she will just go out and buy them. What does help is consistent meal eating and a one day at a time approach. If you can find her some sort of support outside of her job / home that would also be good.

Also are you absolutely sure you know both sides of the story from her previous employment? Was she not paid due to not doing the job / not eating with family because she wouldn't / not allowed to use the washing machine because she was in some way obsessive about it - not saying any of this is the case but they would be possibilities for someone with an eating disorder.

Is it possible she’s eating a ‘proper meal’ at lunchtime? Maybe sometimes out or at friends? Or buying something out after the gym? I know people who go to the gym and stop at McD’s afterwards, seems weird to me, but clearly not to them.

IF not, then I’d say to her that I’m worried her awful previous placement has stressed her out & that you’re there if she wants to talk or if she wants help to find a good GP/clinic etc.

I think it's okay to mention to her that you're worried that she is not eating. It's all very well to say that she'll eat later, but if she isn't actually eating at all then it is worrying and it's setting a very poor example for your young DC.

As for the sweets and biscuits, can you just not buy them?

But yes, you do have a duty of care. She is living in your home, far from from her own home and family, and an au pair is meant to be part of the family. I'd say, with my armchair psychology hat on, that perhaps this stressful situation with her previous employer has caused her eating disorder to rear it's ugly head (or perhaps it was always there and she just told you that she's fine so you wouldn't worry).

Anyway, I would talk to her and if you don't notice any improvement can you ask for help from the agency (I'm assuming you got her through an agency ...?)

Maybe you could talk to her about what type of foods she likes/wants to eat? Get in some healthy snacks Instead of chocolate? Maybe she's just a grazer instead of a full on meal person? Ask her to come shopping with you or if there's anything she prefers from the shops? Being an au pair can be really hard especially if she's had such a horrid start with previous families. It might be something as simple as feeling uncomfortable cooking when you've all eaten?

Please speak to her from a place of concern and without any judgement. If she is ready to acknowledge she has a problem she will let you know, if not then I think you have a duty of care (if things escalate) to speak to her next of kin or nanny agency.

I'm not sure I would want someone with an eating disorder looking after my kids

Agree you have a duty of care. Don't lock things away as that won't help and just signals to her that you've noticed and aren't happy.

You need to talk to her. Explain you're concerned she's not eating properly and you're worried for her. Ask if there's anything you can do to help and take it from there.

An ED is a serious problem, she’s clearly not over it, and really for the sake of her health she needs to go home and get some more treatment.

Maybe she's just a grazer instead of a full on meal person?

A grazer who demolishes 1kg of chocolate in 48 hrs?

There seems to be some naivety as to the reality of EDs. It’s not a question of replacing chocolate with nuts and raisins,

Her eating is disordered, it’s an illness and she needs help.

Do you think she's purging? I've lived with someone who had bulimia. It's hard to hide the smell of sick. It can also, from what I can remember, leave a froth in the toilet. The sound is also hard to hide.

I would speak to her. Express your concerns.

Could you have a gentle word with her?
Maybe arrange a doctors appointment (with her permission - although she may not consent to it) and offer to accompany her?
I suffered from an eating disorder as a teenager, and although I recovered, it is very true that it never FULLY goes away and I have had the odd setback.

Maybe she's just a grazer instead of a full on meal person?

This is very naive - she has admitted to an ED and she's skipping meals to go the gym and then not eating when she comes home, despite telling the OP that likes to eat later - that is a huge red flag. Many people with EDs will use exercise to help them lose even more weight and as it's seen as 'healthy' they get a free pass for going to the gym, when actually it can be anything but!

Is she registered at a GPS?

I think the way forward is to offer to accompany her for an appointment, and make it clear you want to support her.

The poor girl, it must be awful for her.

Poor thing, she definitely needs help. I guess the question is how to get it to her in a way that she'll accept it. I would look for advice from charities and organisations who specialise in eating disorders (see here for example).

I do think when you take an an au pair you welcome them into your family far more than someone who you employ as a nanny so you do have some responsibility for their welfare. You sound like a lovely family.