AIBU - au pair binge eating...

[Shuzza]

We have had 5 au pairs over the years and have had fantastic experiences so am usually pretty confident in dealing with more issues that come up, but I am really concerned about our current one.

She is 19, Italian and generally very lovely, sweet with the kids and does whatever we ask her to do. She had a terrible experience just before us where the previous family didn't pay her/ let her use washing machine/ eat with them and so she arrived in our home very grateful and a bit bewildered.

She mentioned she previously had an eating disorder but 'is fine now' however other than half a mug of breakfast cereal in the morning she doesn't eat. She excused herself from family dinners as she eats 'later' or Italian time (we have 6.30pm dinner so understand early for continent!) but she doesn't ever make herself anything. What I have noticed is the significant amount of chocolate and biscuits that have disappeared but to the point of worrying - we bought a huge 1kg box of chocolate for Christmas - it was basically emptied within 48hrs.

I'm torn between thinking that my diet at uni was predominantly cheese toasties and biscuits and I worked it out and that really it is none of my business, to feeling very responsible and concerned and that I should talk to her, but don't want to shame/ embarrass her.

Help please! I have two daughter aged 3 and 6 so am also aware of that impact, although so far no signs they are concerned/ have noticed. I just really can't decide if it's my business or not if it's not affecting us directly (other than biscuit cost....)

Thank you - do you think I should just do that and leave it or do the plated food/ go shopping/ eat with us thing too? Just wondered if too much pressure/ might feel manipulative?

Really appreciate you getting back to me. Thank you 🙏

I'd do the plated food first, give it a few days, then if they're not eaten talk to her. The main thing is not to push, but let her know she can go to you if she needs to, she doesn't have any support in this country so it's great you're looking out for her.

And you're very welcome!

Do you cook a meal for her amd leave for her to eat when she is ready or do you expect her to cook for herself?

I used to have an au pair who ate only meat. No veg, no potatoes or rice etc. I started cooking for her and leaving a balanced meal ready for when she was ready.

OP, is there some reason you want her to eat with you once a week? Eating disorders aside, I'm not sure that's a fair request.

I had an au pair who had a very serious eating disorder. She also exercised obsessively (she would exercise for at least 4 hours a day, every day, often running for much of it.) She was with us for 4 months and eventually her complete lack of control of her own obsessions meant that it was impacting too negatively on our family life. She had a breakdown over the fact that I wanted her to carry out her normal regular duties and it would mean she could only run once that day but she had organised to run at lunchtime and at dinner time. She refused to eat with the family, wouldn't eat rice, pasta, potatoes, bread or fruit yet seemingly had no problem with smoked salmon, chocolate, red wine, steak, overpackaged pre-prepared vegetables or a slice of all the cheeses I bought for a dinner party. Her food budget was the same as the rest of the family's put together, but I was desperate for her to eat something as she can't have weighed more than about 6 stone - you could see every bone in her body (she was from a hot country and was dressing completely inappropriately for the British winter in gymwear - you could see her ribs through it and she was always cold,) and in her previous employment had broken a bone due to being very frail. My son is a fussy eater, and his eating is always much better when we sit down for a family meal so this is part of our household routine. It was awkward to follow a routine when he would regularly ask why he had to sit at the table for dinner when the au pair didn't.

While everyone who is saying tread gently is right, there comes a point when you have to admit that someone with a disruptive and extreme ED in your home is beyond what you are equipped to deal with. I had no idea how to deal with this young woman who was ill - friends and family commented to me that she was ill, she was incapable of carrying out au pair duties, and it was having negative effects on my children. Someone like this needs more help than a normal family is capable of offering. How they get that help is up to them, and I am reading this thread with interest as I still am unsure as to how I would proceed if I had the same issue again. What I do know is that I would safeguard my own family if an au pair was unwilling to get help and was unable to do the work a regular au pair can expect to do then she needs to go home and deal with it there.

What I do know is that I would safeguard my own family if an au pair was unwilling to get help and was unable to do the work a regular au pair can expect to do then she needs to go home and deal with it there.

I think the issue is as much safeguarding the au pair as the family tbh. OP’s is only 19.

EDs are serious mental disorders and they can escalate suddenly.

Thanks all for the input - she is not disrupting the family in the slightest in that she is kind, helpful and thoughtful.
She is not bony/skinny yet.

I tried to talk to her about it today - she deflected me and said 'don't worry, I'm fine!' about 10 times. All I said was that I understand it must be hard and that we are happy to support her and just to let us know if there are particular foods she would like or not- I suggested structure and leaving food out but she said no. I said I'm sure it must have been worse with stress and the previous family experience and she laughed and said yes and it will be again with Christmas when she is home with her own mum who 'still behaves as if I only weigh 40kg' So it's not as if her parents don't know.
I'm at a bit of a loss at what else to do. She isn't unhealthily skinny as present so I presume just watch and wait and be mindful?!

And am definitely mindful of protecting both my own children and her - she is able to perform duties with no problem at all. It's more my concern for her at present.

Were the chocolates mentioned OP? Did she comment on that?

Do you think what she said about the previous family was truthful, or maybe her mental health wasn’t the best and they didn’t know how to cope and things went badly from there.

Do you have an agency to talk to or her parents? 19 is still very young.

And I’ve noticed a few people writing about purging, vomiting is not the only way to do it, strenuous exercise is too.

To be honest I would be very cautious about having someone showing active signs of an eating disorder caring for my children, if her blood sugar is consistently low, it is highly possible her decisions, impulses, emotions will be impaired too.

She doesn't have to be overly skinny to be all mucked up inside (physically I mean).

It's all very well being sympathetic and understanding, but there comes a point where you have to show some tough love.
Explain that family treats are for the whole family and are meant to last X amount of time, so it's unacceptable for her to eat them all and within days of having bought them.

That way she can buy her own binge food.
She is an adult and she is employed - she is most definitely responsible for taking care of herself.
If she doesn't want to talk about it or seek help then that is also her choice.

You need to make your boundaries clear with regards to family food/treats otherwise you're just enabling her.

To be honest I would be very cautious about having someone showing active signs of an eating disorder caring for my children, if her blood sugar is consistently low, it is highly possible her decisions, impulses, emotions will be impaired too.

So she’s been down to 6 stone. She may not be skinny now but her eating and exercising is still disordered. I’d be very wary of employing someone still in the grip of an ED. She’s obviously better than she was but she’s not over it.

I knew someone at uni with an ED who fell down the stairs and died when faint with hunger, and her ED was not reckoned to be that bad.

I would discuss with the agency and potentially her parents.

I know one thing for sure, you sound like a very empathetic and supportive employer

Thanks all, I think it would be unfair of me to fire her when I can see no negative impact on my children at all.
I have bought some more Christmas treat and will spell out how they are for Christmas and to use moderation and then will see how that goes.
I've laid a foundation of talking about it and hopefully being supportive so I guess I'll take a view in the new year.
Huge thanks to all of you that responded, especially those with their own ED experiences - it really helped.