AIBU - au pair binge eating...

[Shuzza]

We have had 5 au pairs over the years and have had fantastic experiences so am usually pretty confident in dealing with more issues that come up, but I am really concerned about our current one.

She is 19, Italian and generally very lovely, sweet with the kids and does whatever we ask her to do. She had a terrible experience just before us where the previous family didn't pay her/ let her use washing machine/ eat with them and so she arrived in our home very grateful and a bit bewildered.

She mentioned she previously had an eating disorder but 'is fine now' however other than half a mug of breakfast cereal in the morning she doesn't eat. She excused herself from family dinners as she eats 'later' or Italian time (we have 6.30pm dinner so understand early for continent!) but she doesn't ever make herself anything. What I have noticed is the significant amount of chocolate and biscuits that have disappeared but to the point of worrying - we bought a huge 1kg box of chocolate for Christmas - it was basically emptied within 48hrs.

I'm torn between thinking that my diet at uni was predominantly cheese toasties and biscuits and I worked it out and that really it is none of my business, to feeling very responsible and concerned and that I should talk to her, but don't want to shame/ embarrass her.

Help please! I have two daughter aged 3 and 6 so am also aware of that impact, although so far no signs they are concerned/ have noticed. I just really can't decide if it's my business or not if it's not affecting us directly (other than biscuit cost....)

As she has opted out of family dinner can you leave her a plate of dinner to heat up later?

I would probably start with asking who are all the Christmas sweets, be confused (not angry) and see what her reaction is.

Many people will yes but not all. Some people deal with it by eating smaller more contralable portions. Not everyone is the same and deals with things the same. Was just a comment and possible explanation not a difinative answer as to the situation.

I had an au-pair like this. She started a diet every morning (starvation diet, just coffee) and a small salad for lunch, then by 4/5 pm she'd eat a whole packet of chocolate digestives.

Then started the diet again the next morning.

I just let her get on with it, she was a bit older though (30) so I figured her diet was her decision. So many people have disordered eating now, and like alcoholism, I don't think that as an outsider you can change their behaviour.

Did not begrudge her the biscuits, as they are cheap. And I kept offering her the same food we had, kept asking her to join us, but she always preferred to eat what she wanted.

Her eating is disordered, it’s an illness and she needs help

But is it the OPs job to get her that help? Personally if she is ill then she should go home so her family can care for her. I couldn't have someone in my home who's excessively pac maning around my house at my expense.

Unfortunately it needs to be brought up, it has to come from her and if she's not ready to get a handle on it then she goes home.

But is it the OPs job to get her that help?

If you read my previous post I said she needs to go home and get more treatment.

I have to say that many of my previous aupairs, who tend to be in the 18-22 age range, are a bit funny with food in some way. It comes with the territory. Not all of them will want to eat with the family and we have not pressed the point if they preferred not to.

That said, your aupair has admitted to an eating disorder and her eating habits are not normal. I wonder whether her previous family had noticed and asked her to go back home to get help but she decided to find another family instead. I will respect my aupair's privacy and tend not to pry but if it becomes an issue with her health, I would feel concerned to give an opening for her to raise it herself in the first instance.

If she won't engage but is clearly hiding something, you might want to suggest to her to go back home to get some help. I would feel completely out of my depth with ED and it is not a responsibility that would be wise for a host family to take on.

Please don't confront her about the missing food.

If you read my previous post I said she needs to go home and get more treatment

Fair enough.

I would also be wanting to see if I can get some info from her previous family. Especially if the way they treated her came from her. She really might need to go home for treatment.

"She mentioned she previously had an eating disorder but 'is fine now'"
Well, there's your way in to a conversation. I would being gently asking her about her eating disorder, and if there's anything you could do to help her avoid triggers so that she 'stays fine'. Let her know you care about her, her health, her happiness, and that that is why you are raising the subject.

And maybe not have a 1kg box of chocolates easily accessible, stick them in the bottom of your wardrobe instead.

She really might need to go home for treatment.

I agree.

While there are many young women with mildly disordered eating that’s very different from having a full blown ED. Which can have serious health consequences.

She’s only 19. A year ago she would have been in school and if teachers had noticed her eating patterns they would have a duty of care to inform the family and whatever medical provision the school had.

Advice to hide the chocolates and try to brush everything under the carpet is irresponsible.

I think the way forward is to offer to accompany her for an appointment, and make it clear you want to support her.

You cannot do this, it would be way overstepping the mark. You wouldn’t even be allowed to go to an appointment with your own child at that age unless they wanted you there.

I think the best thing would be to talk to her and offer support. What is her relationship with her family like? Could you contact her parents and speak to them? Do they speak English or you enough Italian?

Hi op.

My entire life has been a starve, binge, purge cycle. I would tread carefully here. I know you're worried about her but theres really nothing you can do except maintain a heathy, neutral and structured lifestyle that she can rely on to seek comfort or help from if she chooses to.

insist it's part of her duties

Jesus No, don't do that, ever.

I also say don't 'act confused' about the missing sweets or start secretly hiding them - that will stop her eating your food if that's all you want to achieve, but won't stop her disordered eating, which is the real problem.

I agree that she's given you a way in by bringing up the eating disorder at all (which I'm very surprised she did - I am very far from an expert on EDs but I understood that sufferers were normally very secretive about them) and you can just say that you're worried. I would probably go with the 'you don't seem to be eating a great deal' route and avoid the subject of the binges, which might make her feel ashamed. Offering to leave a portion of your main meal for her is a good suggestion, and passing on PP's advice about 'regular meals, one day at a time'.

OP, the BEAT website will have lots of advice. Please be wary of what some people are writing here, it's VERY misguided.

I would put a portion of whatever you are having for tea aside for her, and tell her it's for when she gets back from the gym/Italian meal time. I was bulimic for 14 years and when binging you go for the easiest option, no cooking or preparation just what you can grab. If the first thing she sees is a meal plated up for her she'll start with that, but it won't have the same addictive effect as chocolate etc so could help break the cycle, if it carries on after that you definitely need to have a gentle chat though.

Sounds like bulimia to me. Please tred carefully and sensitively. I like the suggestion of aksing her to join meals - even for just a light snack - so that you can all eat together as a family.

I always, always left a plated up meal in the fridge for the one AP who didn't like to eat early. Having had multiple APs the not 'wanting to eat early' was actually part of a chaotic life and she did go home early ( I suspect pregnant, but have no proof of that).
All my other APs ( even the Italian ones) are with is.

Yes Pinkywoo spot on. I had help from a psychologist also who accepted that perhaps I couldn't yet stop binging or would have blips - but we worked on changing the content of the binges e.g., binging on "healthier" foods if it was going to happen rather than the most damaging foods I could find. Convenience is key OP - so the suggestion of healthier, easily accessible foods is a good one.

For aupairs that did not want to eat with us, we have always left a plate of food for them to eat later or lunch the next day. They generally did eat it.

I am wondering the same as PP, do you leave a plate of food for her? May be she is a bit hesitant to cook herself some food, particularly after her past experience in the other family.

Thanks so much all for the posts, especially those of you with personal experiences. I will have the chat and do the plated food as suggested and will ask her to eat with us perhaps once a week and she can choose the meal, (although I think she will resist.)
She is not very underweight but I know that is irrelevant. Now I'm noticing things like drinking three glasses of water in a row though before she leaves the house and she disappears upstairs as soon as we come home... but she is also an introvert I think and I respect that we all need our own space.

Furiosa and pinkywoo - I don't want to shame her or make a big deal - how do I have the 'little chat' in a way that's supportive and not judgemental? How do I approach it? We aren't particularly strongly connected I think mainly due to the language barrier but she sees me as kind I think?

Maybe she's not getting enough pay if she is taking all your food. I would less be worried about her eating disorder and more worried about the THEFT of food.

I don't think so, we pay our au pairs the maximum pocket money allowed and they are welcome to whatever we have in the house - they are part of the family. But I'd be slightly if my husband had also scarfed a kilo of family choc to himself!

Maybe just say that you were thinking about when she told you about her previous eating disorder, and wanted her to know that if she was ever struggling with it that you would help her. Then even if she doesn't want to talk about it right away (which she probably won't) she knows you're there if she needs you, good luck.