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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable

52 replies

Meg1976 · 27/11/2018 19:46

Hey all, in sorry if this is tmi but I really need some advice ( especially from a man's point of view). So my husband watches porn, i dont know how much or the frequency. I personaly don't like porn. I asked him some years ago to stop because it was upsetting me and he didn't he carried on behind my back which hurt alot. So I had a good think and I realised it was more the secrecy of him doing it than the actual porn so I asked him some time ago to just be straight with me when he was watching porn. Like if I'm away somewhere if he could just said me a text saying "I'm gonna have some man time" and then not delete the evidence from his history. Not that I'm going to look at his history but just knowing it's there and it's out in the open and not some dirty secret in our marriage made me feel better about it all but he hasn't stuck to that either. He still lies about it and covers it up. Am I being unreasonable? Im not asking him to inform me every time he masturbates just when there is porn involved. Thank you

OP posts:
user1473878824 · 27/11/2018 19:48

I think that is pretty unreasonable to be honest. He is having to tell you if he’s had a wank. Okay you don’t like porn but having to check in with you every time he watches it is really odd and quite controlling.

FissionChips · 27/11/2018 19:50

If DH wanted me to tell him each time I watch porn then I’d leave him. It’s weird and controlling.

Bluntness100 · 27/11/2018 19:51

I also think this is unreasonable, i mean seriously he has to text you he's having some man time and keep the evidence on his phone.

Honestly that's just creepy.

ThePinkOcelot · 27/11/2018 19:51

You expect him to text you that he’s having some man time? Really?! Isn’t it enough that you know he watches it, he has to clock in to do so?! YABU!

RagingWhoreBag · 27/11/2018 19:52

I think there’s a big difference between not lying about it and having to fess up every time he’s about to do it! By all means tell him you don’t want him to keep it secret but it’s very unreasonable to expect him to let you know in advance or even afterwards!

CarlGrimesMissingEye · 27/11/2018 19:52

YABU. Do you message him every time you masturbate to let him know?

Huntawaymama · 27/11/2018 19:54

Sorry but YABU

CoughLaughFart · 27/11/2018 19:54

It sounds very controlling to me. I’d rather be single.

hoki · 27/11/2018 19:55

YABU. This is so weird.

SoyDora · 27/11/2018 19:56

This is really weird. You actually want him to go out of his way to let you know every time he’s watching porn?
I’d be pretty pissed off if DH asked me to let him know every time I masturbated.

Original poster
Meg1976 · 27/11/2018 19:58

Thank you all for the replies I really appreciate it, i agree with you all now it does seem controlling. It's more to do with my insecurities and trust issues. We have been together 11 years and in that time he has cheated 9 times and he lies alot about any and everything so maybe it is me feeling insecure and I'm trying to control not getting hurt again in anyway possible and it's coming off as me acting nuts. Thanks everyone it's really help me see the other side and I will tell him when he gets back I will no longer involve myself in his personal time.

OP posts:
starzig · 27/11/2018 19:59

Not a man, but I do watch porn. I don't tell my DP when I do. Mainly because he would read it as me wanting sex whereas I usually use it when I don't want personal contact sex. It's Ok to have private time.

Newmum0987 · 27/11/2018 19:59

Yabu. If it doesn't affect your sex life I don't see it as an issue? I would be surprised if my oh didn't have the occasional wank between sex sessions and i would rather not know tbh

Cully · 27/11/2018 20:00

Sorry OP but this is unreasonable. It comes across as controlling. Just because you don’t like porn doesn’t mean it’s wrong of him to watch it without you

SugarNyx · 27/11/2018 20:00

You don’t own him, he’s free to do what he wants with his own body, in his own time. Why do you care so much? Sounds like you have some bigger insecurities here that need addressing. Leave him be with his ‘man time’!

memoriestwilight · 27/11/2018 20:01

He's cheated 9 times and your still with him, why??

Original poster
Meg1976 · 27/11/2018 20:03

Just a reply to the person who said about it affecting our sex life. It does badly. We have sex about 2 times a year and he uses porn for any other urges he has. I defiently agree it's my insecurities. It does feel crap knowing he chooses porn and other women over me any chance he gets and it obviously has manifested into me acting crazy so I'm defiently going to cool it. Thank you

OP posts:
cariadlet · 27/11/2018 20:04

YABU. It's weird and controlling.

We have been together 11 years and in that time he has cheated 9 times and he lies a lot about any and everything

No wonder you're insecure. Why are you still with him? I can understand giving someone a chance if they cheat once, really regret the mistake and do everything to make up for it.
But 9 times? You deserve better.

user1473878824 · 27/11/2018 20:05

Oh @meg1976, love. don’t stay with someone who does things that make you feel crap, especially that! You’re worth more than that.

Bluntness100 · 27/11/2018 20:05

Well if he's cheated nine times you've bigger issues here, and I've no idea why you're still with him, but asking him to text you when he is about to watch porn is just odd.

If a man told a woman "I know you watch porn, I'm ok with it, but I want you to text me and tell me when you are going to and keep the history on your phone" there would be an outcry of ltb.

stressedmum15 · 27/11/2018 20:06

He's cheated 9 times Shock
It's nothing to do with the porn you need to be honest with yourself that your annoyed about the cheating. Porn is irrelevant .

Bigonesmallone3 · 27/11/2018 20:06

Personally I think that's too much.. I know my DP watches porn and it doesn't bother me but if he said to me I'm goin of for some man time 🤢
No I don't need to know

SoyDora · 27/11/2018 20:06

Then your issue is the cheating and lack of intimacy.

Bluntness100 · 27/11/2018 20:06

Why do you only have sex twice a year?

MooPointCowsOpinion · 27/11/2018 20:07

Sex twice a year and cheated on once a year, doesn’t seem like a good deal OP.

The issue is not the porn, he’s a wanker with or without it I’m afraid.