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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable

52 replies

Meg1976 · 27/11/2018 19:46

Hey all, in sorry if this is tmi but I really need some advice ( especially from a man's point of view). So my husband watches porn, i dont know how much or the frequency. I personaly don't like porn. I asked him some years ago to stop because it was upsetting me and he didn't he carried on behind my back which hurt alot. So I had a good think and I realised it was more the secrecy of him doing it than the actual porn so I asked him some time ago to just be straight with me when he was watching porn. Like if I'm away somewhere if he could just said me a text saying "I'm gonna have some man time" and then not delete the evidence from his history. Not that I'm going to look at his history but just knowing it's there and it's out in the open and not some dirty secret in our marriage made me feel better about it all but he hasn't stuck to that either. He still lies about it and covers it up. Am I being unreasonable? Im not asking him to inform me every time he masturbates just when there is porn involved. Thank you

OP posts:
LettuceP · 27/11/2018 20:07

So I was going to just say YABU but then I read your update and WHAAAAT?
He's cheated 9 times and your still with him Shock
For the love of god why are you still with him?

Angeladelight · 27/11/2018 20:07

Porn isn’t the issue here, it’s the cheating. If you’re in a position to leave him I strongly suggest you do so. And perhaps get some counselling to deal with your insecurities

SilverySurfer · 27/11/2018 20:07

Just to be clear, when you say he has cheated nine times do you mean actually having sex with another woman? If so, you have bigger problems than him watching porn!

Doghorsechicken · 27/11/2018 20:07

YABU but I can understand why you are reacting this way. Unfortunately if he is inclined to cheat you cannot stop him. You can’t force them to be faithful. As painful as it is, you would be far better being single than living like this. I was like this with my ex, always trying to impress him or control him to stop his head turning, he still left me for another woman. I learnt a lot from that, they are either 100% faithful or they’re out the door. You don’t deserve this OP, look what you’re turning into. All because he is making you insecure. Find someone who treasures you! I promise there are good men out there you don’t have to put up with his lies. Cheating 9 times means you are not a priority in life. He values an orgasm with a stranger over your relationship & feelings. That speaks volumes.

Original poster
Meg1976 · 27/11/2018 20:09

I agree bluntness100, it's easier to understand your not acting ok when others point it out if you get what I meen. Before I was 50/50 if it was ok hence why I came here looking for others opinions but now I see how others have reacted I can see now it's totally not ok and it's something I won't be doing ever again.

OP posts:
Wooooooooaaaaaaaahhhhhhh · 27/11/2018 20:09

He’s cheated on you 9 times Shock and you only have sex twice a year? Why the fuck are you with him. My god you could do so much better. Don’t waste any more time on him.

Bluntness100 · 27/11/2018 20:11

Why are you still with him? Why don't you have sex? He lies, cheats, you have no sex life? What do you get from this?

lilyheather1 · 27/11/2018 20:13

Seriously OP why on earth have you stayed with him? I can't imagine the toll on your self esteem that being cheated on 9 times must have.

Purpleartichoke · 27/11/2018 20:13

Porn rules definitely have to be determined by the couple, but I don’t think having to notify you is a good system.

This is really a much bigger issue than porn. You don’t trust him because he has shown he can’t be trusted. Has there been enough time that he has earned back your trust? If he can’t possibly earn it, is that really how you want to be existing?

itsnowthewaitinggame · 27/11/2018 20:13

YABU. Any person has the right to watch porn.
As for the cheating and you're still with him, that's very sad
Why on earth are you still with a man who is clearly showing you he doesn't respect you?

Gazelda · 27/11/2018 20:15

Please reconsider whether you really want to stay with him.

Bluerussian · 27/11/2018 20:18

All sounds very weird. Why are you with a man who has cheated 9 times? He can't be very happy if he's done that and if he watches porn which is a rotten habit.

SoyDora · 27/11/2018 20:19

Do you not think you deserve better?

Littlefrog99 · 27/11/2018 20:21

He's cheated on you 9 times (that you know of) and you're worried about him watching porn? Get rid of him, work on building your self-esteem and confidence and then find yourself a real man. I promise you, a better life is out there for you.

Original poster
Meg1976 · 27/11/2018 20:22

I don't know what I deserve, iv had my own issues but iv never cheated and I wouldn't. I don't know how to cope to be honest I think I'm just trying to get control over my own life but it's coming out in the wrong ways .

OP posts:
VitreousHumour · 27/11/2018 20:23

It's fine not to be ok with porn. Lots of people think it's exploitative and/or fundamentally misogynist in its common tropes. And it's impossible to tell which women have participated voluntarily and which have been pressured in one way or another.

It's a bit weird to effectively ask hike to tell you every time he has a wank.

But as pps have mentioned, the cheating is the real problem. You are absolutely worth more than this.

lily2403 · 27/11/2018 20:25

You need to dump him, not over the porn but over the cheating

Jengnr · 27/11/2018 20:26

He’s a liar and a cheat. How much porn he watches is largely irrelevant.

Fuck him off and find somebody who doesn’t make you feel like shite. Starting with you.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 27/11/2018 20:26

you need to leave him you defnitely deserve better. Is there a reason you stay?

TheOxymoron · 27/11/2018 20:38

Hmm, what a quick way to turn a thread from looking unreasonable to a victim.
I’m not sure I believe it OP.

craftinglife · 27/11/2018 20:39

I can understand (kind of) when someone gets a second chance after cheating.. but NINE times?! How does it even get to that point? After the 3rd, 4th 5th.. can't get my head around this. How can you be with a man who has cheated nine times and you don't even have sex more than twice a year? You do realise this is NOT normal and ultimately you are not with the right person

craftinglife · 27/11/2018 20:39

Meant to end that with a question mark!

cherry2727 · 27/11/2018 20:39

The issue here isn't him watching porn - it's the fact that you don't trust him and I don't blame you.

9 times ?!! I'm in utter dismay Confused

FissionChips · 27/11/2018 20:41

Ffs why dripfeed? Why?!

HomeMadeMadness · 27/11/2018 20:41

We have been together 11 years and in that time he has cheated 9 times

I think that's the issue not the porn. Of course you don't trust him - I'm surprised you're still with him. Do you think your self esteem is low and you're staying with him because you don't think you deserve better?