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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be considering leaving my DH?

67 replies

Wingingit247 · 27/11/2018 07:17

DH and I have been together for 10 years, DC are 12, 7 and 3. He has always been very selfish, although has improved a bit over the years.

My issue is that he literally does nothing with the DC unless it suits him, ie, takes them to sit and watch him play football leaving eldest DC in charge. He plays football every Saturday so obviously I do something with them on my own every Saturday. He will only miss a game if he is doing something else, ie lads weekend away.

On Sundays he will clean up the garden etc and maybe cook a roast.

He doesn't read to kids, take them anywhere, doesn't play with them, do homework with them, go to any parents evenings or plays, he barely even speaks to them in the house, just sits on his phone.

On top of this, he's been unfaithful to me, and has a very bad temper when roused. He's thrown stuff at me, pushed me up against a cupboard, punched the wall above my head and various doors etc in the house.

Despite all this, he's actually lovely when in a good mood and the kids adore him. I love him very much but I feel that surely things could be better? AIBU?

OP posts:
Believeitornot · 27/11/2018 07:19

Despite all this

You need to raise your standards. Your dcs deserve a better family life.

Oddsocksandmeatballs · 27/11/2018 07:20

He's not lovely, he is a violent, abusive bully. Leave before the children grow up thinking it is OK to be violent when things don't go your way.

M4J4 · 27/11/2018 07:21

YANBU, he's abusive to you and a bad husband and father. He's not lovely! Thete's no reason to stay.

Please leave for your children's sake. The violence is likely to escalate at some point, don't wait for that to happen Flowers

Weenurse · 27/11/2018 07:21

Run away. Do you want your children growing up thinking this is normal behaviour?

FishesThatFly · 27/11/2018 07:22

What is there to love?

Think you're more "in love" with memories of previous good times then who you're actually married to now.

Sommelierrrr · 27/11/2018 07:25

I think he sounds horrendous and misery inducing. So sorry op Flowers

Quartz2208 · 27/11/2018 07:25

let me guess he has trained you all including the kids to be grateful for whatever scraps of affection he throws their way.

On so many levels OP staying is not good for you or your children

FishesThatFly · 27/11/2018 07:25

It won't get any better.

To be considering leaving my DH?
Silkie2 · 27/11/2018 07:26

If anything I would guess he will get more selfish and grumpy as he ages. Lovely future to look forward to. I suspect one of his parents was similar so he won't change.

Alfie190 · 27/11/2018 07:29

He sounds awful.

You can't write all that and then final sentence "he's actually lovely".

Bunnymumma · 27/11/2018 07:30

Short and sweet: get you and your DC out NOW.x

MrsDylanBlue · 27/11/2018 07:45

Hi OP - can you find out from you local children’s services if there is a Feeedom programme running at the moment that you can attend? Some of them run crèches.

Might help you to decide if he is being abusive towards you.

continuallychargingmyphone · 27/11/2018 07:48

If the children didn’t exist it would be an easy answer but they do.

I am not sure I agree with pp about kids deserving a better family life: this is a given when the partner is abusive but not when he’s lazy. Rubbish for you, though.

paintinmyhairAgain · 27/11/2018 07:48

you are not leading a normal life with your dc, have they witnessed / heard this violence ? dc are very astute and will pick up on atmosphere and tension.
maybe you do love him in your own way but you are enabling him to a selfish arse, he's not a proper father or husband. i would seriously be looking at getting my financial affairs etc in order and speaking to a solicitor asap. with regards to a divorce.
do you rent or own your home ? that will need to be sorted among other things. is there a family member you can trust to share this with or a close friend ? i think you know deep down what you need to do, there is domestic violence involved and you and your dc deserve so much better

continuallychargingmyphone · 27/11/2018 07:50

I missed the last paragraph op. Huge apologies. Blush

AliceScarlett · 27/11/2018 07:50

For your children's sake leave him. You're teaching them this is how men should treat women. It's not ok.

MrsDylanBlue · 27/11/2018 07:54

I would strongly urge you not to “just leave”.

You need to carefully plan your exit with appropriate support as he is likely to ramp up his abusive behaviours if he sees you preparing to leave.

paintinmyhairAgain · 27/11/2018 07:54

continue might like to read the last bit of op's 1st post, he has been violent towards her, and has a very bad temper when roused.
even if he was just a lazy arse, why should she put up with that either? they have dc and he's not engaging with them but messes about with a phone instead ? ffs. that's a great role model for them isn't it ? men doss about and women do all the child care and house work. if course they deserve a better life !

continuallychargingmyphone · 27/11/2018 07:55

I did paint and apologised - too early for me, clearly Smile Blush

Huge apologies op and I hope you do leave, wish you well Flowers

paintinmyhairAgain · 27/11/2018 07:56

continue sorry, cross post Blush been in op's shoes it's a sore subject Sad

EmeraldShamrock · 27/11/2018 07:56

Yes he sounds like a dick. You all deserve better Flowers
Would he be willing to change.

Spero · 27/11/2018 07:58

He's not lovely.
the kids may 'adore' him but he's not a good father.
He abuses their mother and neglects them.
he either gets help to change or you leave.
Or you continue like this, you end up hurt or dead and all your children develop extremely unhealthy templates for what adult relationships should be.

Where were the children when he punched the wall and various doors? Did they see/hear all this? how often does he do this, in their home where they should feel safest of all?

Where were they when he punched the wall above your head?

paintinmyhairAgain · 27/11/2018 08:01

he would be all for changing if he thought this cosy little set up was going to be shattered, change would last for a couple of days if you are lucky then we go back to normal shit again.

Veganfortheanimals · 27/11/2018 08:05

I watched my dad punching my mum,I had holes in all my doors where he had punched it.i had to pull him off her..she never left ..she waited till he got another offer and left her...utterly horrendous childhood.i heard every row and fight ..I'm 44 ,I've just started counselling to work though it....so I'm sure your kids will be fine too.......eventUally.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 27/11/2018 08:06

Your kids do not adore him, they just do the same thing as you do they act nicely to stop him shouting/hitting

They know full well about is temper, his violence. They 'adore him' to protect themselves and you from his temper.

You have to do what is right for you and your kids. Make your arrangements quietly and then leave!

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