To be considering leaving my DH?

[Wingingit247]

DH and I have been together for 10 years, DC are 12, 7 and 3. He has always been very selfish, although has improved a bit over the years.

My issue is that he literally does nothing with the DC unless it suits him, ie, takes them to sit and watch him play football leaving eldest DC in charge. He plays football every Saturday so obviously I do something with them on my own every Saturday. He will only miss a game if he is doing something else, ie lads weekend away.

On Sundays he will clean up the garden etc and maybe cook a roast.

He doesn't read to kids, take them anywhere, doesn't play with them, do homework with them, go to any parents evenings or plays, he barely even speaks to them in the house, just sits on his phone.

On top of this, he's been unfaithful to me, and has a very bad temper when roused. He's thrown stuff at me, pushed me up against a cupboard, punched the wall above my head and various doors etc in the house.

Despite all this, he's actually lovely when in a good mood and the kids adore him. I love him very much but I feel that surely things could be better? AIBU?

ravenmum

Because abusers make you feel that their abusive behaviour is normal, that you deserve it, that you made them be this way. So you focus on the more 'normal' dissatisfaction within your marriage. Your calibration of what constitutes a healthy relationship has gone and it's less painful to ask for reassurance on whether its OK your husband doesn't do his share at home as opposed to whether its OK he is an abuser.

So he is a selfish arse! Who gives out a rare cuddle and I love you!

Bad outweighs the good. What do you want? Do you think if you point it out to him, he will change? Or just get angry and start punching walls etc?

You know he gets angry to keep you quiet, right?

Violence of any sort is a massive red flag and you deserve better. You must make plans to get out of this relationship. Start now - Citizen's Advice, whatever. No excuses, no hesitation, now. Good luck.

This is all making sense. Yes, I know he gets angry to keep me quiet.

I've spent years feeling like nothing I do is good enough, just waiting for him to drop a word of praise in my direction.

I run a business, I run our home, I love and care for our children and actually talk to them and spend time with them. I do NOTHING for myself because I don't feel I deserve it. If I say anything he says I'm unstable and unreasonable.

WTAF am I doing with my life?

He was shagging someone at work for the whole time we were together. I asked over and over again and he lied every single time. Made out that I was mad. I finally caught him by putting a bug on him so he couldn't deny it any more. I told him I was leaving and we had counselling for 6 months. But I can't trust him ever again. Someone that can lie that many times for their own selfish good can lie again. Even as I write I'm ashamed of myself for being so understanding. He has a great life, enjoys his job, nice house, lovely family, and he takes it all for granted.

You're servicing someone who's mesmerised by his phone to the extent that his family isn't real to him.

He's fucking with your head and your kids' heads OP. Dangling love before you when it suits him, snatching it away when he's bored or humpy. I bet sex always happens on his schedule too, never mind whether you're in the mood or not, or you get the sulks. He sounds an utter shit.

He's violent towards you. One day he will be violent towards your children, when they are old enough to challenge and defy him.

He has betrayed you. He will betray them too.

Protect your children. Get him out of their house.

You are upset by his blowing hot and cold, and you are an adult with superior insight and a choice - can you IMAGINE how upsetting and confusing it is for them to have a daddy who seems to love and care for them one day and then rebuffs them the next? Never knowing what side of him they're going to get, or what they've 'done wrong' to make him stand-offish when yesterday he was all hugs and kindness?

It's a mind game to keep you all anxious, placating and dancing to his tune. It is working perfectly for him, he has you all right where he wants you - but it will make your children mentally ill. If you have boys, they will model from him. If you have girls, they will watch you cowering, 'picking your battles' and running around like a blue-arsed fly picking up his slack and think that's what a woman has to do to be in a relationship. Eventually they'll see him hit you, as the more you cower the greater his contempt for you will grow.

He will treat you worse the more you appease him, not better. And eventually, when you've given up everything you ever were to please him, he'll probably get bored and desert you for a new woman anyway, so he can begin the process of breaking her down. Which is what he really enjoys, the power of bending you all to his will.

I honestly can't tell you enough - leave. Yes your children will cry and miss their daddy. That's because they've been conditioned to crave the scraps he throws them to fill the hole of insecurity his abusive behaviour has made. You need to help them through that grieving process, and help to rebuild their self esteem, so when they are older they will be able to see that you were protecting them and that this waste of a man did not deserve any of you. Same goes for you actually. Leaving this abusive dynamic is like giving up an addiction, it'll feel worse before it feels better. But you have to do it for yourself and your kids.

He's violent and he says you're unstable if you say anything?!! Get the fuck out. Today. No warnings or discussion. Go to a shelter, a friend's, a relative's, a Premier Inn, anywhere. Take the kids, obvs.
There is no negotiation to be had. If you negotiate he will lie and manipulate.
You're not doing it to punish him. You're doing it to give yourself and your kids safety, dignity and normality.

He's emotionally abusing you and you are letting him get away with it.

@Abeautifulpeagreenboat That post made my skin crawl! It does make sense - too much sense; you can imagine yourself falling into the same trap.

@Abeautifulpeagreenboat me too!

This almost knocked me to the floor it made so much sense.

Sorry - why would he leave - he’s cheated multiple times and you’ve forgiven him, look after the house and his children, loved him back after his cheating, this man has it made hasn’t he? On top of that, he can choose to be violent towards you, it you find it in your forgiving heart to stay with him, saying you’ll only leave if your children ever witness it - is that what it’ll take? Your children to be scarred for life once they witness their loving father hit their mother? Because let me tell you, from personal experience, the children never get over it. It will be in their minds forever. Trust me - I know this.

Don’t be that person, go and go now. For your sake and your children’s sake. You do not have to live with this awful excuse of a father.

Nanalisa, do you mean sleep or sex? Lots of crap relationships are sustained by good sex in a very unhealthy way. Op says he is affectionate.
Op. He is violent, the threat of verbal and physical abuse is keeping you quiet and making you anxious and unwell i.e. You are afraid. Your children surely pick this up, even if only as feelings. V confusing for them. They usually say no counselling if violence, but if it was helpful before.....
Counselling and help for you, have a chat with women's aid, just look at their website

I'm sorry you're feeling like this. Maybe reassess what you want from your marriage, talk to the kids and come to a conclusion in good time. You deserve to be happy and loved and it sounds like he is taking you for granted. Maybe he doesn't even realise it himself or maybe he does but either way you deserve better. Have you brought up all these issues to him?

Sorry OP but he's not loving to the children.

Giving your child a hug and saying you love them - yeah it's nice, and important, but easy and fleeting. SHOWING love, by actually showing you want to spend time with them, taking an interest in them, getting to know them, looking after them when they're ill, helping them with day to day tasks, doing what THEY want - that's real loving, real parenting. Any old twat can put their arm round a child for 5 seconds and say a few nice words.

I recently split from my husband for most of these reasons - except the domestic violence and aggression bit. He wasn't and isn't aggressive or violent. He was just checked out of our lives, a bit selfish and lazy. I'd tried for a few years to get him to improve and it would be a bit better for a while then back to him being on his phone all the time and me running round him sorting everything out for all of us.
It has been in some ways easier and in others harder than I thought. After I asked him to leave I was totally numb for a week. Then angry that he'd basically made me do this by being such a lazy shit. Our DD was upset and confused and school were worried about her crying in class...

That was 2 months ago. We are in process with the divorce and selling the house. I'm in process of buying somewhere new for me and DD. He and I are getting along a lot better (to the point where now and then I think "do I really want to do this" and then he does something stupidly lazy or selfish and ends up upsetting DD and I realise there is a good reason I did this).

DD is still occasionally a little upset or confused about what is happening but mostly seems to be ok with it. School say she is now back to normal. She is looking forward to 2 Xmases. It helps that DH and I have been able to be civil throughout, consistent with our messaging to her about what is happening and neither of us bad mouths the other.

If you do decide to leave - it won't be easy but it will not be as hard as you currently think it would. I was dreading it and terrified about how tough it would be. In the end it hasn't been too bad and better than living with him by FAR!