To be considering leaving my DH?

[Wingingit247]

DH and I have been together for 10 years, DC are 12, 7 and 3. He has always been very selfish, although has improved a bit over the years.

My issue is that he literally does nothing with the DC unless it suits him, ie, takes them to sit and watch him play football leaving eldest DC in charge. He plays football every Saturday so obviously I do something with them on my own every Saturday. He will only miss a game if he is doing something else, ie lads weekend away.

On Sundays he will clean up the garden etc and maybe cook a roast.

He doesn't read to kids, take them anywhere, doesn't play with them, do homework with them, go to any parents evenings or plays, he barely even speaks to them in the house, just sits on his phone.

On top of this, he's been unfaithful to me, and has a very bad temper when roused. He's thrown stuff at me, pushed me up against a cupboard, punched the wall above my head and various doors etc in the house.

Despite all this, he's actually lovely when in a good mood and the kids adore him. I love him very much but I feel that surely things could be better? AIBU?

How can you love this man? He’s abusive to you, that’s enough reason to throw him out without the rest of it.

Op he is a nasty abusive bully, plan your exit quietly and leave.

Leave him. The children will be relieved. He is a nasty bully. He is not 'nice'

He sounds dangerous, OP. I understand what you mean about lovely. My ex-SIL was lovely. I even managed to find him charming after he'd beaten up my dd. (I didn't have much choice, but that is another story). But you are in a very dangerous situation and a situation that must be terrifying for your children. If any of your children mention this stuff in school you'll quite rightly have social services visiting.

Sometimes you have to put up with a broken heart for the sake of your children. They should not be witnessing or hearing their mother being attacked.

Your kids are following your example. They want him to be lovely and caring so they try to please him.

Him punching the wall around you is him showing you that he could punch you if he chose to but be grateful he isn't. That's no way to live for you and that isn't how a loving partner acts.

Plan your exit. Don't assume he wouldn't increase the violence, prepare for him to get worse. Protect your children.

Speak to Women's Aid and the police.

The kids have never seen him being violent towards me, they have rarely seen us arguing because I manage to keep it down until they are in bed. I've learned to "pick my battles" over the years. Since being together I've been diagnosed with anxiety and started having panic attacks. I got it under control in March with positive counselling and came off medication, which he doesn't agree with.

He comes from a very different background than me, culturally his father is from another country where fathers aren't hands on like they are here, however this isn't an excuse, he could still be more present in his children's lives.

The violence erupted a few years ago, and hasn't happened again for about 2 years. he has never hit me, but that doesn't make what has happened any less frightening. If my kids had seen it I would have left straight away.

as many have said there is nothing attractive about him and its not a good example for the children they must be having a miserable childhood contact womens aid they will talk through your options and help you plan the future they can also get you to a refuge if needs be

When everyone says to me they think there relationship is over I always ask one question? Do u will still want to sleep with them!! If they say god no when he goes near me my skin crawls!! Then I say well it’s time to go. If on the other hand they say no I still love to sleep with him then I say well try and work at it out. He does sound like he needs some work to make him a better husband you could tell him how unhappy you are feeling and that you would like to go to a marriage counsellor and also sergest that maybe he goes on a anger management course. Also if you are close to your mil and fil you could talk to them as I doubt they will want your family to split up. So think long and hard before you decide what to do!! but I think you are wright things can’t go on as there are at the moment any type of abuse weather it be physically or mental is just unexplainable . But remember sometimes a marriage is worth fighting for!! many men often just need to realise they are going to lose there family before they wise up!!

He totally ignores the kids, does his own thing and when isn’t being abusive to you, he is a lovely man

You said you are thinking of leaving? How? When?

Just wanted to say thank you to everyone for taking the time to reply, it's made me cry a bit, sometimes you just feel so alone.

He is very loving towards the children, and to me, and we have a really good time when we're together. But there's this horrible selfish side to him too. Last weekend he was out all day Saturday so I took the kids to the cinema and for lunch and we played games in the afternoon. He came in while I was giving them dinner and slumped on the sofa for the rest of the evening. He never baths them, and if I'm there he won't bother putting them to bed. I guess I enable this by doing it myself and not putting my foot down. The next day I had to do a few things for myself and he basically sulked all day until we went to bed.

I think the fact you are considering LTB tells you a lot.
Don't underestimate how much your DC are aware of what's going on. They'll almost certainly know more than you think.

If you're undecided about leaving, then make a back up/escape plan. Paperwork, evidence of earnings/savings, where you will go, how you will manage financially etc.

Do you still love him?

I do still love him. And I know the children do too, and they'd miss him not being around, even though he doesn't do anything with them.

Someone said at the top about us all being grateful whenever he shows us love, and that hit home a bit 😔

Well obviously the children will love him.

Do you think he would consider counselling?

What exactly do you love about this selfish, violent, abusive bully who is dis interested in his own children?

Which is it OP? In your OP you said he totally ignores the children and doesn’t even speak to them. Update says he is very loving to the children?

Your OP says you never do anything together, he always does his own thing, loses his temper, punches walls above your head. Your update says he is loving towards you and you have a great time with him!

are you just pissed off he doesn’t put the kids to bed? Or he is a selfish, abusive arse?

Yanbu to expect more. Sit him down and tell him you want him to be more hands on. Not I think you should have to but it doesn't sound like he can put anyone else first. I know my ex would have been like that. My Dh is very hands on with our dc. He reads every night with them. We take it in turns to shower/bath them. We do things as a family, walks, out on their bikes. When he's doing jobs e.g concreting a path in the garden he got them out there with him. Old clothes, wellies on and got them helping. To be honest sometimes I think he's a better parent than me. You need to tell him!! If he doesn't change his ways at least you gave him a chance!

He's already violent. Violence does not lessen if you stay together. It escalates. There is no justification for staying with him. You'll be doing your kids a massive disservice if you do so.
Do not discuss with him the possibility of leaving. That's the most dangerous moment. Just leave.
Don't assume you know and can predict or manage the limits of his violence. You can't.
It will definitely worsen over time.
The older the kids get the more likely they are to be targets.
Can you imagine him living in a house full of annoying, unreasonable teenagers?

He doesn't read to kids, take them anywhere, doesn't play with them, do homework with them, go to any parents evenings or plays, he barely even speaks to them in the house, just sits on his phone.

he's been unfaithful to me, and has a very bad temper when roused. He's thrown stuff at me, pushed me up against a cupboard, punched the wall above my head and various doors etc in the house.

What??? Any one of those things would be a deal breaker for me. Raise your bar. The relationship you and your dh are modelling is the one your dc will follow when they get older.

He's a selfish violent bully, OP. Not lovely at all. LTB.

Claw he is both! This is why I'm so confused!

This weekend he had literally nothing to do with the kids at all. He was out all day Saturday then spent the evening slumped on the sofa looking st his phone. He spent all Friday evening slumped on the sofa looking at his phone. He spent Sunday morning slumped on the sofa looking at his phone, then when I got back at lunchtime he went out to the garden to mow the lawn and mend some fence panels. After dinner he spent the evening slumped on the sofa looking at his phone. This morning he was cuddling the younger two telling them how much he loves them, and me. Having barely spoken to any of us for the last 3 days.

My issue is that he literally does nothing with the DC unless it suits him
That's really your issue? And then after going into detail on this, you mention in passing that he's a violent adulterer?

Can anyone else who's been in an abusive relationship explain to me why the victim so often seems to be focused on some random other problem? Are they subconsciously aware of the real issues, but doing their best to pretend it isn't happening - but their unhappiness can't be repressed, so finds some other outlet?

No one would want to be married to the man you described, so why do you think you have to be?

Jesus there is nothing more unattractive than a selfish lazy abusive cunt of a man. how can you feel attracted to him let alone love him! you're basically a single parent already so what do you gain from this relationship?
of course the kids love him they are still little and have no comparison but as they get older they will wonder why their friends dads spend time with them while their own doesn't give a shit.