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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Driving our children without car seats

54 replies

wwydo · 26/11/2018 09:41

My ex delivered our children home yesterday evening, and I found out that they'd driven over 100 miles in the front seat of a large van with no car/booster seats - they were forgotten in his girlfriends car who'd gone out. They are 4 and 6, well below 135cm and weigh 2.5 stone approx. My view is that this is really dangerous, and its about the 10th time its happened & I have banned contact before when he couldn't appear to make safe decisions. I suggested he should have waited to drive them home, until he had the car seats - a suggestion that fell on deaf ears.

There is a huge backstory, so based on this without muddying the waters, what would you do? I need know if I am being unreasonable to consider banning contact between my ex and kids unless its ordered by court of through a contact centre - which are my thoughts here. We have no court order in place currently.

OP posts:
Furgggggg12 · 26/11/2018 09:54

Exactly what you have said above. That is despicable behaviour from him.

Exh had my 1.5 year old in a car for a 3 minute journey without a seat and I was livid, I can't imagine how you must feel. Thankfully he fucked off and we no longer have to deal with crap like this.

MaryShelley1818 · 26/11/2018 09:55

I absolutely would not let my children be in such a dangerous position.

leaving11 · 26/11/2018 10:02

My ex (actually just written my own post on here about him) went through a phase of doing this when my dcs were the same ages as yours. I went mad. He wasn't taking them far either.

Now both my dcs know how important it is the sit in a car seat and they would never go anywhere without one because I've taught them why it's so important.

To drive 100 miles is awful. I feel for you. I'd stop contact until he can promise he will never do it again.

There are so many idiot parents out there - sorry you've got to put up with one x

ittakes2 · 26/11/2018 10:09

Illegal and dangerous. You shouldn't have to - but as a stop-gap I would buy them those inflatable BubbleBum Travel Car Booster Seat from Amazon for £30 each and pack them in their bags so he has no excuse as I wouldn't want my children to be without one. They are actually quite useful for taking other children too as they can fit in a middle seat. They can be used from 4 years old but you must use the set belt holder then - its the black tie which keeps the seatbelt from 'cutting' a younger child's neck.

Original poster
wwydo · 26/11/2018 10:09

Thanks all - he gaslights me, so I really struggle to trust what I'm doing sometimes. I still feel like the wicked mental ex by banning contact though.

@leaving11 he's promised before - several times. The kids know - I've had so many chats with them. They even tried to stick up for him yesterday when they let slip about the car seats as they knew I would be cross with him.

OP posts:
Namechanger55555 · 26/11/2018 10:10

That's outrageous. 100 miles probably means driving on the motorways (so driving 70mph, in the front seats without car seats! Shock)

He cannot do this again. He needs to know this is unacceptable and he will not be having the children round until he accepts what he did was hugely neglectful as a parent.

chipsnmayo · 26/11/2018 10:18

Honestly? I totally agree with you in regards the four year old, but I think it is a bit of an over reaction with the 6yo (although its definitely not ideal). Remember prior to only 2006 only children 3 or under had to be in a car seat.

Original poster
wwydo · 26/11/2018 10:19

@ittakes2 he forgets half their stuff from their bags anyhow. My son was delivered without a coat last night (the only one he has), last time he forgot both their wellies... I don't think I could trust him to remember them & attach the seat belt tie.

@namechanger55555 - yes almost exclusively motorway driving :(

OP posts:
leaving11 · 26/11/2018 10:19

@wwydo I get it totally and it's so hard. Does he live far away from you - is the no car seat thing when he is collecting/dropping them off?

Nanny0gg · 26/11/2018 10:24

Remember prior to only 2006 only children 3 or under had to be in a car seat.

And she I was a kid you could stand in the front footwell! Doesn't make it right!

Dangerous and illegal. I'd stop them going.

Original poster
wwydo · 26/11/2018 10:24

@chipsnmayo ok thank you for another opinion - its appreciated. My 6 year old, although taller, weighs the same as my 4 year old, so I do worry.

@leaving11 - he lives 100 miles way. He moved not me.

OP posts:
SpringerLink · 26/11/2018 10:27

The boostapack seats (by Trunki) are suitcases and booster seats. They might solve this one problem. But...

I’d be utterly livid in your position and if you think he can’t understand that he’s putting the children at risk, then he’s probably doing it in other circumstances too. I’d ask for supervised contact if I though my children weren’t being kept safe.

frogsoup · 26/11/2018 10:30

A 6yo is no safer in the front seat of a car in an adult seatbelt than a 4yo!

MemoryOfSleep · 26/11/2018 10:30

I would report him, it is illegal. Maybe not the best move for your co-parenting relationship though...

leaving11 · 26/11/2018 10:31

@wwydo yep my ex moved 120 miles away too. Crap isn't it? Poor dcs have to travel on a weekend and they are knackered when they get back - no doubt yours as the same. Just keep doing what you are doing. X

bluebuttonface · 26/11/2018 10:34

I'd be absolutely livid if my ex did this (he's lost/forgotten coats and shoes which made me livid enough). I'd be taking legal advice and if I could limit contact I would - he does not have their best interests at heart and is downright dangerous.

chipsnmayo · 26/11/2018 10:37

Fair enough wwdo, that makes more sense to why you're worried, as your right these issues definitely depends on the physical build of the child.. Sorry I didn't read the original post properly to see that it was the 10th time, I can see why your pissed off. If it was a one off I could probably be a bit more lenient.

Nanny, standing in front of a footwell is a lot different to being belted in properly. I am certainly not saying the situation was ideal and that it should be encouraged. But it is just my opinion that some of these safety standards have gone near to the point of nanny state and parents should be able to make decisions based on their own child.

Allthewaves · 26/11/2018 10:40

I'd be livid. If u can afford it is buy extra boosters and give them to him.

TrashPanda · 26/11/2018 10:41

The thing is though chips, they aren't actually belted in properly as they are too small for a standard adult belt to work effectively.

Allthewaves · 26/11/2018 10:42

I'd also suggest back pack boosters.

I don't have an awful ex but.i have kids with additional needs. We have a photo of each item of clothing they need to pack on laminated sheet which they can tick off. Perhaps something like this for kids suitcases so they can check they have everything (since dad is not great)

StoppinBy · 26/11/2018 10:44

This is in no way acceptable and would scare the crud out of me if someone did this with my children.

That being said is he usually a great dad? If so then this needs to be sorted out but don't deprive your children of a relationship with their father because he is an idiot.

Also your children should not feel a need to 'stick up' for either of you. Do not argue in front of them... easier said than done, I know. My parents put us kids in the middle when they split, 23 years later we still resent them for it. Arguments like this will make the kids feel bad if they hear it, because it is about them they will feel responsibility for it.

Is there some way that you can drop them off/pick them up again? If not is this actually illegal? I think it is, if so, can you call your local police station and find out what would happen (fine/charges of child endangerment etc) are as this will be more likely to scare him into doing the right thing than you telling him off.

Keeping gumboots and jackets at both houses might work better than trying to make sure everything comes home when you live so far apart from each other too.

Ztst · 26/11/2018 10:48

Unacceptable behaviour from him.

The trunki boostApack is a bag that doubles as a car seat. If you got those, your kids could have a car seat with them wherever they go. I know it isn’t your doing, but this would at least keep your kids safe.

chipsnmayo · 26/11/2018 10:49

Trash. Last post on this thread, but from what I remember of my own daughter (going back 15 odd years ago here). My DD did fit the belt (although this sounds like a different situation to the OP) as she did survive a car accident when she was 5 (no car seat) as she did not fly through the window (was not me who caused the car accident!, ex did - I was seriously not pleased though). Depends on the child.

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 26/11/2018 10:49

I’m no lawyer but I’d say you have a decent case for holding back contact until he demonstrates that he has child seats in every vehicle the children may travel in

But you would need to go through a third party to enforce this. Have you a contact you can call upon to try and enforce this? Social worker?

He doesn’t sound like he’ll listen to you and if he’s a gaslighting motherfucker who’s done this 10x before you’re gonna need backup.

Ztst · 26/11/2018 10:50

Regarding the coats, if you can afford it, I’d get the kids a coat each either a size or two bigger than they currently need so you can use as spare if he forgets their actual coats. Then you will be able to use these big ones as their actual coats when they’ve grown.