My sister financially benefitting from our parents AGAIN.

[QueenofmyPrinces]

There are 13 months between me and my sister so we were very close growing up together and we are still close now, I love her and she’s one of my favourite people to be around.

Growing up we were very different, I was the typical ‘good sensible girl’ whereas she was more the type who took each day as it came and having fun was her main focus. At the time, I was envious of her character and spirit and wished I was more like her.

I did well at school, went to college, then university and have a professional job, whereas she didn’t really try at school, dropped out of two college courses and eventually ended up in a job that our neighbour found for her.

Fast forward to now: we’re in our late 30s and still very close. We both have two children although she is no longer with the father as he turned out to be a complete shit. He’s active in the children’s lives though and he provides well for them financially and helps my sister out too in ways he isn’t obliged to. I don’t particularly like the man but I can’t criticise him for the way he still provides for the children and the things he does to help my sister.

In our teenage years and through our 20’s my sister was frequently financially helped out by our parents because “she didn’t have a well paying job” and they paid out a lot for her. They paid for things to be done around her house (luxuries as opposed to necessities), paid her phone bills and store cards, paid for things for the children and paid for her driving lessons too when she was in her mid 20’s.

At the same time as they were paying for her driving lessons I was having to pay for my own lessons even though I was a student and they were charging me rent, compared to her being in full time employment and not even living in the family home anymore.

I could list lots of ways my sister has financially benefited from our parents over the last 10-15 years and although there has always been potential for resentment because of how differently we were treated I never felt it, or if I did I have no recollection of it and it didn’t impact on my relationship with my sister.

Fast forward to the last 12 months or so and my sister started going out with her friends a lot more, going out frequently for meals and drinks, going away for weekends, having new clothes etc and at the time I thought nothing of it. I was just glad to see her enjoying herself now her children are older (10 and 14) and that she was getting her life back as it were.

Recently me and DH have put ourselves out quite significantly in terms of finances in order to do something to benefit her children in order to allow them to experience something they’d never be able to if me and DH didn’t pay for it. Initially we had spoken about her paying 10% of the cost but after thinking about it I told my sister that no financial contribution was necessary as I was happy to treat my nieces and that I knew every pound counts to her and that even a small contribution would be difficult for her. She said thanks, she appreciated it and that was the end of the discussion.

Anyhow - I found out a few days ago that for the last 12 months my parents have been giving her £200 every month “just in case she needs it” and it’s actually really pissed me off. Our parents are divorced and they each give her £100.

I now feel a little put out that she so readily accepted our offer not to contribute to what we are doing for her children (which is costing us nearly £1k) when she’s getting £200 each month from our parents that she doesn’t actually need.

They (particularly my mom) also give her children money quite frequently whereas mine don’t get anything.

Inside I feel like the “special treatment” of her is still going on after all these years and I think that throughout her life it’s paid off that she didn’t get a good job because my parents have paid out so much for her and still do. I’m also in disbelief that at our age she is still taking money from our parents because as adults shouldn’t we be taking responsibility for ourselves?

I haven’t told my sister that I know about our parents giving her money each month and my parents don’t know that I know either. I won’t say anything to either of them though because it won’t serve any purpose. I only found out due my mom’s brother accidentally letting it slip when he asked me how I was spending my £200 each month as he had assumed my parents were doing it for both of us.

Im just venting. I know it’s my parents choice how they spend their money but after watching them pay out for so much for her over the last two decades this has been a bit of a blow to know they’re still doing it.

I was talking to DH about it and in my frustration I said that I wished I’d made her life choices instead of my own as maybe then my parents would have paid my way in life too and funded my lifestyle choices. I didn’t mean it, I just said it in frustration. I don’t want money from my parents, I wouldn’t accept it if they offered, but I feel a bit hurt that again my sister is getting money from them for no real reason whereas their generosity wasn’t even offered to me.

AIBU to feel a bit pissed off? Has anyone else been in a similar position and found ways to deal with it?

I have had similar in my family and did say something. The resulting conversation has made me feel both better and worse.

I feel better because I have put over my point of view and had it acknowledged. My relationship with my DM in many ways is now more honest.

I feel worse because having had the conversation, nothing has really changed. My DM acknowledges that my sibling’s behaviour and sense of entitlement is horrific but does nothing about it. In fairness, she indulges the sibling less financially but seems unable to even discuss the behaviour.

The real shame is that none of the rest of us will willingly spend time with this particular sibling and it is all down to my parents’ inability to parent a difficult child.

I guess in your situation I'd ask myself whether or not it would do anybody any good to 'have it out'. Is it likely to change the way your parents treat your DSis? Is it likely to make your DSis change the way she lives her life? If the answer to both is 'no', then the only point would be to relieve some your own frustration with the unequal treatment. Not that that's not a good enough reason, it is. But would it be worth the outcome, if the outcome were to be damage (possibly permanent) to your relationship with them all?

I'd definitely rein in on helping her (financially or otherwise), but I'm not so sure I'd find it worth it to have it out if it was unlikely to change anything.

I am in a slightly different position in that my sister is severely disabled and reliant on benefits and if my parents were to give her large amounts of money, her benefits would be affected and it wouldn't be helpful in the longer term.

However, I've been bailed out a lot of times by my parents. I'm aware I've only recently started to understand the meaning of money, as it were. I'm a single student parent, so my income is limited but I have to really steel myself to budget and not overspend to treat my kids ... because my parents compensated me for my sister by spending on me. It's a vicious circle but ultimately your sister won't stand on her own two feet till either she realises it (like I did, and I still don't find it easy) or your parents cut access.

I think it comes down to your parents view of your capability to provide. They obviously don't have that faith in your sister. Ultimately, you have to ask yourself if you feel resentment because you have missed out because you haven't been funded or whether it just gets to you that they fund her?

I was never subsidised - I paid rent out of my student grant, etc. We were all encouraged to pay our own way, but two of my brothers have been subsidised, due to their need. I moved out at 22, always paid my own way and have been able to manage money. I have a good marriage and my parents always felt that they didn't need to financially support me. We've always been able to provide what we need, but not necessarily what we want for us and the children. However, I wouldn't want it any other way.

My brother had a car bought for him and a holiday to Australia. My other brother still lives at home and has everything on tap, though he pays rent. I don't resent either at all, and I don't resent my parents for providing it. Everything we have is ours - we worked for it. We don't owe anyone anything. My Dad is no longer with us, but my Mum has provided more than money could buy - she gives my children her time. That's worth more than money.

I would view it as a compliment but I would not fund anything else for your sister's children. Unfortunately, your sister will not be able to manage her finances while she is being bank rolled!

When I say compensated me for my sister, I mean compensated me for the fact I got less attention/time than her because she needed more. I'd never regret/resent my sister (as an adult, anyway!). Just to be clear!

*MoveOnTheCards

I would tell my sister to start putting aside some of the £200 she gets from your parents each month for the girls’ holiday clothes and spending money*

This.

Let's look at it from another perspective

• you have a decent job (enabling you to afford childcare), are married, have children, a nice house, enough disposable income to go on holiday despite you only working part time, enough disposable income to take your dns with you too.
• your sister is a single parent with two teenage children who has never really amounted to much.

£200 is really not that much money a month... do you really want it? need it? if they gave it to you would you actually take it? are your dps very well off?

montenuit - I don’t need or want the money. My dad has more money than my mom but I wouldn’t say either of them were well off.

My feelings aren’t based on just the £200 they give her now, but on the fact they’ve been helping her and financially supplementing her since we were teenagers whilst I’ve always just been left to get on with things.

Sorry, but are you absolutely sure your parents are giving your sister this money every money? I'm trying to picture a scenario whereby your parents told your uncle something that led him to believe they were giving you each a specific amount each month and then for him to 'let it slip' to you. How does that topic even arise? Why would your parents tell anyone else what they were doing for their daughter(s)?

Regardless, you say you never really felt any resentment about their favoring of your sister in terms of money, when clearly you did and do. Here's the thing, you didn't need their money, you did it all by yourself and have managed to put yourself in a position to not need their money now. Bask in that instead of dwelling on how they help your sister.

I get it's a bit galling to make a grand gesture for your nieces under the impression your sister couldn't afford it but the gesture is coming across a bit 'lady bountiful' and patronizing tbh. Look, leave the treat to your nieces out of this, you either want to treat them or you don't, it just makes you look churlish to means test a gift. It shouldn't matter how much money Their mother has and even with the additional money your parents may be giving her, she may still be finding it hard to make ends meet.

Your family dynamic certainly doesn’t seem fair. Why on Earth are you ok with working overtime so your sister can piss away money that your parents are subsiding her on going out. I would be horrified if my sister was working overtime to pay for something substantial for my children. Instead she is just accepting the situation and is quite happy to not pay her own way. Your kids are seeing less of you so you can find their cousin’s holiday.

As for your parents, I’m amazed you haven’t had a big bust up before re the unfairness. I can see why the driving lessons sting. Both my parents and my in-laws are 100% fair so it is quite shocking to me to hear about such inequality. To give you an example, my parents gave a lump sum to my and my sister for our weddings. There were a number of years between our weddings and they spent a while working out whether it would be fairer to give us the same or add on an inflationary sum for second wedding.

Openup41 - ditto x

The favouritism was extreme in my family. My parents were doing it on purpose to hurt me. They bought her everything I wanted, they blamed me for her bad behaviour, they never said a nice word to me but praised her to me all the time. They constantly re-wrote history and lied. Then they bought her 3 houses, including a mansion. I still tried to make them love me for years after that, but they just kept on twisting the knife more and more, at every opportunity. I eventually cut all ties. I still have big problems with self-esteem and I avoid relationships.

I know how it feels OP, probably more than most. It hurts. If they're not doing it on purpose, then there isn't much of a problem. You need to talk to them. You have to let them know what they are doing and you have to stop doing it yourself.

More than talking with your sister I think it's best to speak to your parents as if she asks and your parents keep enabling then it's not really her that needs confronting. To be honest your not actually confronting your parents rather you are trying to get closure as to why they treat you both so differently. I think they might also have some guilt so this topic could be long overdue.

However them driving to her home and not ever to yours is piss taking

Sorry, but are you absolutely sure your parents are giving your sister this money every money? I'm trying to picture a scenario whereby your parents told your uncle something that led him to believe they were giving you each a specific amount each month and then for him to 'let it slip' to you...

I’m going to go and see my mum tonight and ask her. I’m 99% sure what my uncle said is true but I need to know for sure.

I'm the sibling and who made poor choices. I'm not subsidised by anyone but even if I were unless I pulled my head out of my arse I would have been facing a very bleak future. I may get an inheritance but my parents may need care so there are no guarantees of a safe financial future unless I save for it.
By getting my head out of my arse I meant retraining as soon as my children were old enough I went to university. Child tax credits don't last for ever.
Your sister needs to buck up her ideas and being subsidised means no incentive for her to do so. She's on a hiding to nothing.
If you have a good relationship then it might be a good conversation to have. What are her plans for income when her children turn 18? (I've assumed she is in receipt of these benefits?)

Op l can see why this feels hurtful, but you cannot change anyones behaviour but yours...stop feeling like you owe your sister anything...let her pay or not, you are not responsible.

Stop paying for treats, just do xmas and Birthday presents, you are over invested and understandably then feeling resentful...

Accept she will probably always be feckless with money, and accept that your parents feel they have to support her (wrongly)then let it go

You do not need to bail her out, just concentrate on your family...

Don't try hard to keep the secret of the £200 monthly handout, l would let it be known that l know, but feel it is up to your parents how they spend their money, let it be on their conscience......then let it go.

What are her plans for income when her children turn 18? (I've assumed she is in receipt of these benefits?)

Who knows.

I don’t know what benefits she receives as I don’t know what single parents are entitled to but she does tell me a large portion of her childcare fees are paid for by the Governmemt. Her Ex gives her about £400 a month and will pay for anything specific the children may need too.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all - but like PPs I think you, your parents and her ex have all created this situation by treating her as someone who always needs financial help. I'd stop contributing to this by cutting right back on your 'gifts' to her kids - does she do anything special for yours or is it all one-sided?

I understand though as I have three older brothers, all of which have moved home as adults (in some cases for years at a time) rent free, one had a car bought for him (at 41!), another had £20k of rehab paid for, one whose kids have personal trainers paid for by my DPs and an extension they subsidised.

I have never had more than £50 per year for birthday and Christmas presents. I have also been the only one to have lived a 'stable' adult life and never given them a night's worry, but I think that works against me! I'd never raise it as it's their choice, but it hurts.

the thing is now you know you won't be able to forget. This unfairness will just erode away at you and you will feel worse about it as time goes on, I think you need to sit down with them all and tell them you know, get it out in the open and tell them how this (and all the other slights) have made you feel. Maybe they have not realised quite how much they have done and how it can be perceived but honestly... you need to talk to them and get it all out or it will destroy your relationships with them all. make a list of it all, the uni costs, driving lessons, babysitting, money to sister and money to sisters kids, the visits to her and not you. It's quite a lot! most parents try hard to keep their kids the same.

If you have to ask your mother about the truth of the £200 payment, maybe you can just ask in a non-confrontational way. If the answer is 'yes', then keep quiet and see what your mother says. Your mother's response will give you some clue as to whether this is a hush-hush fact they were keeping from you, or an open secret which you somehow did not get the memo for, or flat denial or evasion.

Let her do the talking and don't give away your position. That way, you reserve to yourself the opportunity whether you want to take it further without burning bridges.

you need to sit them down and talk to them about this.not in a arguing spiteful way.but sit and say "Ive heard you've been given money to ds.i need you to know this isn't all to do with the money firs tnad foremost but I need you to more how this has made mee feel. to know you've been helping ds out time and time again and for me nothing.can you maybe understand how this make me feel.how I might feel its unfair and shaken over how you seemed to have taken care of her. and that I always thought as my mum and dad we would be treated equally.and its left me unsure of myself and my place.
because it is to do with the money because of money being so vital to life.but also simply because they have been given something like money that helps people to live better that shows care and attention to someone needs.becasue like it or not money buys you life to some extent so if someone like a parent is giving that to one child and not the other it is really unfair.and you need to hear their reason for this.becasue you wont be able to ignore this.it will linger and lay under the surface.
also do you know how they are writing their will.i ask you this because being in the same situation the will was looked at and *** hell the shock.
and again the parents were so unthinking they never thought what they were doing was unfair.
and yes to all those saying its their money.but when you have a child or children as a parent you have a duty to treat them fair and make them feel loved and cared for and equal.im sorry it is and it isn't theres when you are doing such and such for one child and not for another.

Don't put anything in writing as someone upthread suggested, it could be passed round and brought up again and again.
You could phrase things as your concern is for your DCs and you feel upset that DSis's DCs are benefitting from the handouts. That sounds less selfish than complaining about what DSis has been given.
Also speaking face to face you can see how it's being received by DM. And you can modify what you say accordingly. I would think they will be in denial of the favouritism. Just make the point it is hurtful without being too accusatory. Baby steps initially as it has gone on for 30 years and won't magically disappear I shouldn't think.

This is exactly the same scenario as with have with my SIL except we've never had a great relationship with her. This isn't to do with the money but her grasping attitude, the fact she's told us we're stupid for working hard etc. However we're now all in our late to mid 50s. One PIL has died, the other in a home due to dementia. The money has dried up for my SIL, no more monthly allowance, no more small financial gifts, no more helping to run her car. The house was sold to pay the nursing home fees and will be little left. All of a sudden my SIL has to be financially independent and this has come as a great shock and hard lesson.