My sister financially benefitting from our parents AGAIN.

[QueenofmyPrinces]

There are 13 months between me and my sister so we were very close growing up together and we are still close now, I love her and she’s one of my favourite people to be around.

Growing up we were very different, I was the typical ‘good sensible girl’ whereas she was more the type who took each day as it came and having fun was her main focus. At the time, I was envious of her character and spirit and wished I was more like her.

I did well at school, went to college, then university and have a professional job, whereas she didn’t really try at school, dropped out of two college courses and eventually ended up in a job that our neighbour found for her.

Fast forward to now: we’re in our late 30s and still very close. We both have two children although she is no longer with the father as he turned out to be a complete shit. He’s active in the children’s lives though and he provides well for them financially and helps my sister out too in ways he isn’t obliged to. I don’t particularly like the man but I can’t criticise him for the way he still provides for the children and the things he does to help my sister.

In our teenage years and through our 20’s my sister was frequently financially helped out by our parents because “she didn’t have a well paying job” and they paid out a lot for her. They paid for things to be done around her house (luxuries as opposed to necessities), paid her phone bills and store cards, paid for things for the children and paid for her driving lessons too when she was in her mid 20’s.

At the same time as they were paying for her driving lessons I was having to pay for my own lessons even though I was a student and they were charging me rent, compared to her being in full time employment and not even living in the family home anymore.

I could list lots of ways my sister has financially benefited from our parents over the last 10-15 years and although there has always been potential for resentment because of how differently we were treated I never felt it, or if I did I have no recollection of it and it didn’t impact on my relationship with my sister.

Fast forward to the last 12 months or so and my sister started going out with her friends a lot more, going out frequently for meals and drinks, going away for weekends, having new clothes etc and at the time I thought nothing of it. I was just glad to see her enjoying herself now her children are older (10 and 14) and that she was getting her life back as it were.

Recently me and DH have put ourselves out quite significantly in terms of finances in order to do something to benefit her children in order to allow them to experience something they’d never be able to if me and DH didn’t pay for it. Initially we had spoken about her paying 10% of the cost but after thinking about it I told my sister that no financial contribution was necessary as I was happy to treat my nieces and that I knew every pound counts to her and that even a small contribution would be difficult for her. She said thanks, she appreciated it and that was the end of the discussion.

Anyhow - I found out a few days ago that for the last 12 months my parents have been giving her £200 every month “just in case she needs it” and it’s actually really pissed me off. Our parents are divorced and they each give her £100.

I now feel a little put out that she so readily accepted our offer not to contribute to what we are doing for her children (which is costing us nearly £1k) when she’s getting £200 each month from our parents that she doesn’t actually need.

They (particularly my mom) also give her children money quite frequently whereas mine don’t get anything.

Inside I feel like the “special treatment” of her is still going on after all these years and I think that throughout her life it’s paid off that she didn’t get a good job because my parents have paid out so much for her and still do. I’m also in disbelief that at our age she is still taking money from our parents because as adults shouldn’t we be taking responsibility for ourselves?

I haven’t told my sister that I know about our parents giving her money each month and my parents don’t know that I know either. I won’t say anything to either of them though because it won’t serve any purpose. I only found out due my mom’s brother accidentally letting it slip when he asked me how I was spending my £200 each month as he had assumed my parents were doing it for both of us.

Im just venting. I know it’s my parents choice how they spend their money but after watching them pay out for so much for her over the last two decades this has been a bit of a blow to know they’re still doing it.

I was talking to DH about it and in my frustration I said that I wished I’d made her life choices instead of my own as maybe then my parents would have paid my way in life too and funded my lifestyle choices. I didn’t mean it, I just said it in frustration. I don’t want money from my parents, I wouldn’t accept it if they offered, but I feel a bit hurt that again my sister is getting money from them for no real reason whereas their generosity wasn’t even offered to me.

AIBU to feel a bit pissed off? Has anyone else been in a similar position and found ways to deal with it?

It's not surprising that everyone else in your family thinks you have plenty of money when you are able to pay to take your dsis's children away.

You are acting as if you are loaded. They won't appreciate that you might have made efforts to be able to do this.

Your father clearly thinks that you can afford childcare and he shouldn't be expected to provide it free just to save you money. Whereas he thought your sister couldn't afford it. Maybe he is also getting older and finds it hard work.

You probably need to stop playing to your image as the self sufficient one. Have you ever said 'we would love to do x but we can't afford it' to your father? I bet your sister has.

*My DSis has been spoilt & entitled all her life, she never achieved what she could have done at school and drifted from one job to another, my parents constantly bailing her out from her financial disasters (mainly due to her out of control spending and inability to budget, or earn a living).

She has definitely always had 'special treatment' from my parents, like they did not have the same expectations of her as they did of me*

This is exactly it.

The worst thing is that I’m always the one they turn to when they need things doing, or favours performing and especially if they need lift somewhere seeing as despite all the driving lessons they paid for my sister didn’t actually pass her test.

Because my sister doesn’t drive they go and visit her regularly but they never drive over to me and I only really see them if I make the effort to drive to theirs.

Her children get money given to them too whereas mine don’t. I know mine are younger so don’t actually need money but it’s just another thing to add to the list.

I doubt very, very much my sister thinks I’m getting the money too otherwise it would have been mentioned over the last 12 months at some point. The fact it’s been kept hidden from me implies she knows that it was only her receiving the money. I imagine my parents have told her to keep quiet about it.

Call them out off stay away from them

Call out your parents exactly as you have done here
Call out your sister about the extra money and yet she is letting you fund her kids holiday.

You say her and you are close but I fear it may be you that cares for her and not so much reciprocated

Get your self esteem and worth back and tell them.

If they take the hump so be it, at least you won’t be holding it all inside

Could there be some kind of resolution in the will do you think? Perhaps you gain a house whilst your DS has had her inheritance now?

I’m Executor to the Wills and have seen them both. Thankfully they’ve left everything 50:50 because I’ve seem how much strife unfair wills have caused on this forum.

Maybe they do think we are well off enough to take my nieces on holiday with us but I’ve had to put in a lot of overtime to afford it. I suppose they don’t see that though.

STOP enabling your younger sister OP! If you allow this pattern to continue, all that will happen is that once your elderly parents have passed on, YOU and your family will become DS's new financial crutch. This may lead her to request that you potential bail her out of debts, that she never steps up to take proper financial responsibility for herself.

I think I would come clean with all parties about your finding out about the £200 per month. Ask her, is she receiving this money from your parents and why is she still accepting it? Say that the £1k niece treat was offered by you BEFORE you had any knowledge of the parental gifts that she was receiving.....and that in actual fact with a bit of prudent saving etc on her part, in 5 months she could pay for that treat herself. Offer sadly withdrawn. She's not been straight with you. YOU OP are not the mean one in this story. End it now and bear the consequences. If you don't it's will probably bite you in later years to come anyhow.

You say her and you are close but I fear it may be you that cares for her and not so much reciprocated

Maybe underneath it all she does resent me

I think I would have to be honest and say to her what you have just learned and how it has made you feel about stretching yourselves to pay for her and her kids. You need to make it clear what resolution you are looking for and I would suggest that it is that she passes £100 of the £200 to you each month for x months to pay towards the thing.
I would speak to your Mum and Dad separately and tell them you have discovered what they are doing - be careful not to drop your uncle in it at all costs - and I would say how hurt it has made you feel. Only thing is don't necessarily expect a good response from parents as when I talked to mine about a similarish issue I got nowhere.

STOP enabling your younger sister OP!

I’m the younger one

The holiday has already been paid for now, the children have been told etc so there’s no point in changing things.

Maybe I should confront her - I don’t know. I’m not a confrontational person by nature but I’m pissed of that she’s getting this extra money, keeping it from me and then letting me pay out to treat her children.

it happens pretty much like this in both mine and DH's families, i do think you should be honest with your parents about how you feel especially with regard to the childcare. Your dad is also older now though - at that time of life, 5 more years can make you a lot more tired.

I do think it's really hard being a parent when doing what's best for each child doesn't always mean equal treatment. Are you more intelligent than your sister? It's very hard if you have one child that figures out their own solutions and one child that makes mistake after mistake.

I don't think your issue is with your sister really, she's just taking the help on offer.

In DH’s family both his brother and sister both now live in nice new 5 bedroomed houses in more expenses areas of the country than we have our 3 bed house. Over the years DH’s families helped them both out financially his DB when he was living beyond his means and renovating a massive house and his darling sis whilst she was subbing her good for nothing boyfriend. We have never had a penny from them but we have never asked both being older children we thought it was important to stand on our own two feet.
Your parents are deluded I don’t think speaking to them would help as they have justified this in their minds otherwise they would have made you both equal.
I had a similar issue other childcare. My parents basically brought me niece up as she had post natal depression when it suited which lasted 5 years. Free FT childcare and babysitting at weekends. 18 month after niece was born and I had children. I asked for 3 hours on a morning one a week until we qualified for free childcare not indefinitely and I was knocked back. Never did they babysit for us or let ours have sleepovers. I tried speaking to them about how I felt but I should have saved my breath.

I don't see how you can ask for money for the holiday at this stage. clearly DSis doesn't see foreign holidays as a priority.

Families get into ways of thinking. it annoys me when DHs nephews think he's some sort of walking cash machine whereas these days their parents likely have more disposable income than we do, but I think DH enjoys being mr bountiful as well I think

With the childminding perhaps your parents found it stressful looking after the DCs hence why not committing this time

I'd speak to them about the monthly money I'd find it impossible not to

"Part of me questions whether they actually realise they’re doing it?"

In which case why not call them out on it? You obviously have no obligation whatsoever to answer any question at all on the thread but I suspect you are avoiding confronting it in your own mind as well. I think you probably know that they do realise what they are doing, or they would not be keeping it quiet. To think that it is actively shitty behaviour is a very painful thing to consider, though :(

I also think that while your sister doesn't come out exactly smelling of roses from the situation, it is fundamentally your parents that are creating this crappy dynamic, not her.

i also don't think the holiday money situation can be changed at this stage without a lot of bad blood. We accept in our family that other people need more help than we do, and that's the case in a lot of families although it isn't 'fair' your parents aren't setting out to deprive you, you're 'the one that always copes'. You can point out to your parents that you sometimes get fed up of coping and making good choices but you'll always be that person.

My DH pointed out that you wouldn't want to be the one with the divorce, the crappy job, always struggling, even if they struggle less than they would without helpful parents and a kind sister who takes the kids on holiday.

To think that it is actively shitty behaviour is a very painful thing to consider, though.

Very true

This may not be a popular idea but do you think maybe your parents did and do still think of you as the ‘golden child’ and are over compensating your sister due to feelings of shame they feel that way?

It might be clear to your sister and your parents that they maybe favour you so your sister feels it ok (in a weird way) to accept their help and money as compensation and your parents think it makes up for her being ‘second best’ to them?

Of course it may not be that at all. It’s just as likely your sister is being enabled by everyone around her for a quiet, easier life which will only go tits up when your parents aren’t around anymore. I imagine you will then have to become the enabler unless something is done to stop the cycle before then.

I am the 'sensible, capable' one of my siblings, and roughly the joint highest earner. Luckily my parents are scrupulously equal, but it's really interesting reading this thread and thinking about the way my sister approaches money, and how I talk about it with her and my parents.

At university, I only really accepted a 'big shop' of food once a term - stocking up on tins etc to make food budget go further. My sister accepted cash.

When we were in lower paid jobs just after uni - we talked about budgeting, she gave herself a £50/week 'allowance' for clothing. I just bought what I could after money left over after savings and bills etc. She marvelled at my savings but earned £350/month more than me.

And last year, I told my parents to give her the leftover money that they'd planned to give me for house buying (which we didn't need as had saved £70k between us), because they didn't have enough to buy, and didn't feel able to start a family until they'd bought.

Fortunately, they told me not to be so silly, and gave us the money we turned down as a wedding present. I would feel ridiculous about it now. My sister accepted the money from our parents and has now fully kitted out and redecorated their new home whilst we still pick up furniture from charity warehouses and keep 'going steady' on doing it up.

It's a helpful reminder that people get cast in their roles and I am just as culpable of perpetuating that!

i'm dubious about the benefits of confrontation - because I tried it - I got so cross with my parents when my DD was a toddler and she'd had N days off and I was about to be hauled before HR that I pointed out the thousands of bits of help my siblings had had - what was the result? I didn't get spoken to for months. It didn't make me feel better, things limp on but nothing got resolved or ever will. The lame ducks have to keep on being supported.

Parents don't deliberately create crappy dynamics - they are doing their best. If you do talk to them, come at it from a side of 'i don't think you perhaps realise how this makes me feel' rather than confronting them directly about money.

I also don't think you can ask for money for holiday now. As other pp have pointed out, travel may not be high on your sister's priorities.

But you can start to point out that you expect her children to come with some spending money to pay for entry into places, treats etc because you will be over extending your finances already.

At least you can start teaching your nieces and nephews to be more independent.

OMG first poster was right stop enabling.
But try this, for being a mere girl i was cut out of the family farm
Sister was helped through life with cash etc
Write them a letter spelling all this out
Xx hugs

Why not print off this thread and give it to them - or perhaps a well crafted letter? Sometimes it is easier to do something like that than risk a conversation where you may not be able to phrase things so carefully

My DH pointed out that you wouldn't want to be the one with the divorce, the crappy job, always struggling...,,

And he’s right - although my sister wasn’t married to the children’s father which left her in the shit for lots of reasons. My parents never liked the guy really, not did any of us really and although he turned out to be quite nasty to my sister we are all glad it lead to the end of their relationship. They’ve been split up for about 7 years now but they parent well together, it’s all really amicable and like I said, he can’t be faulted for the financial care he provides for the children and how he financially helps my sister too.

I would much rather my life than my sisters and she would probably prefer it too for the reasons your husband mentioned.

This is why I feel like I should just bite my tongue, be grateful for what I have and let the rest of them get on with it.

In the last year both my Mother and DH Father have died. DH has one sister, I have five siblings, both of our parents both had a clear favourite. Plus those sisters were both bad with money and have been helped with lots of mutterings about poor Sarah and poor Helen ( not their real names) over the years.

In their wills they left all assets to their favourite child only. I had planned on giving my entire inheritance away to my much harder up non favoured siblings.

I know some people and I agree that you should not expect an inheritance but when you have spent your entire life knowing you are less loved and favoured it’s very hurtful. My Mother never loved me nor the others like my sister. The only time my Mother was ever truly nice to me was in front of others and that was because she would show off about my career and academic achievements. Though as a child I was told off for being quiet and reading my Mothers shrieks of your nose is constantly in a book remain with me. I never asked for help with homework whereas I remeber her actually doing my sisters homework for her.

I didn’t need my Mothers money but loathe how she left two of her own daughters in difficult circumstances and didn’t help them. My elder sister put it very succinctly, it was our Mothers chance to treat us all the same just the once but she chose not to.

his may not be a popular idea but do you think maybe your parents did and do still think of you as the ‘golden child’ and are over compensating your sister due to feelings of shame they feel that way? It might be clear to your sister and your parents that they maybe favour you so your sister feels it ok (in a weird way) to accept their help and money as compensation and your parents think it makes up for her being ‘second best’ to them.

I imagine there is a lot of truth in this. It’s another reason why I don’t want to rock the boat really....

Your a bit stuck in the poor her attitude, I get that but it still doesn’t mean parents should treat their children differently. The chances of having dc with exactly equal success and luck with relationships, money, career, health etc are practically zero.