My sister financially benefitting from our parents AGAIN.

[QueenofmyPrinces]

There are 13 months between me and my sister so we were very close growing up together and we are still close now, I love her and she’s one of my favourite people to be around.

Growing up we were very different, I was the typical ‘good sensible girl’ whereas she was more the type who took each day as it came and having fun was her main focus. At the time, I was envious of her character and spirit and wished I was more like her.

I did well at school, went to college, then university and have a professional job, whereas she didn’t really try at school, dropped out of two college courses and eventually ended up in a job that our neighbour found for her.

Fast forward to now: we’re in our late 30s and still very close. We both have two children although she is no longer with the father as he turned out to be a complete shit. He’s active in the children’s lives though and he provides well for them financially and helps my sister out too in ways he isn’t obliged to. I don’t particularly like the man but I can’t criticise him for the way he still provides for the children and the things he does to help my sister.

In our teenage years and through our 20’s my sister was frequently financially helped out by our parents because “she didn’t have a well paying job” and they paid out a lot for her. They paid for things to be done around her house (luxuries as opposed to necessities), paid her phone bills and store cards, paid for things for the children and paid for her driving lessons too when she was in her mid 20’s.

At the same time as they were paying for her driving lessons I was having to pay for my own lessons even though I was a student and they were charging me rent, compared to her being in full time employment and not even living in the family home anymore.

I could list lots of ways my sister has financially benefited from our parents over the last 10-15 years and although there has always been potential for resentment because of how differently we were treated I never felt it, or if I did I have no recollection of it and it didn’t impact on my relationship with my sister.

Fast forward to the last 12 months or so and my sister started going out with her friends a lot more, going out frequently for meals and drinks, going away for weekends, having new clothes etc and at the time I thought nothing of it. I was just glad to see her enjoying herself now her children are older (10 and 14) and that she was getting her life back as it were.

Recently me and DH have put ourselves out quite significantly in terms of finances in order to do something to benefit her children in order to allow them to experience something they’d never be able to if me and DH didn’t pay for it. Initially we had spoken about her paying 10% of the cost but after thinking about it I told my sister that no financial contribution was necessary as I was happy to treat my nieces and that I knew every pound counts to her and that even a small contribution would be difficult for her. She said thanks, she appreciated it and that was the end of the discussion.

Anyhow - I found out a few days ago that for the last 12 months my parents have been giving her £200 every month “just in case she needs it” and it’s actually really pissed me off. Our parents are divorced and they each give her £100.

I now feel a little put out that she so readily accepted our offer not to contribute to what we are doing for her children (which is costing us nearly £1k) when she’s getting £200 each month from our parents that she doesn’t actually need.

They (particularly my mom) also give her children money quite frequently whereas mine don’t get anything.

Inside I feel like the “special treatment” of her is still going on after all these years and I think that throughout her life it’s paid off that she didn’t get a good job because my parents have paid out so much for her and still do. I’m also in disbelief that at our age she is still taking money from our parents because as adults shouldn’t we be taking responsibility for ourselves?

I haven’t told my sister that I know about our parents giving her money each month and my parents don’t know that I know either. I won’t say anything to either of them though because it won’t serve any purpose. I only found out due my mom’s brother accidentally letting it slip when he asked me how I was spending my £200 each month as he had assumed my parents were doing it for both of us.

Im just venting. I know it’s my parents choice how they spend their money but after watching them pay out for so much for her over the last two decades this has been a bit of a blow to know they’re still doing it.

I was talking to DH about it and in my frustration I said that I wished I’d made her life choices instead of my own as maybe then my parents would have paid my way in life too and funded my lifestyle choices. I didn’t mean it, I just said it in frustration. I don’t want money from my parents, I wouldn’t accept it if they offered, but I feel a bit hurt that again my sister is getting money from them for no real reason whereas their generosity wasn’t even offered to me.

AIBU to feel a bit pissed off? Has anyone else been in a similar position and found ways to deal with it?

I think the only way I’ve been able to remain calm (ish) is because of how close me and my sister have always been and therefore I knew that whatever was going on between her and my parents wasn’t being done (on her part) to hurt me. It has shook me up that after all this time I’ve learnt things about my sister, and she about me, that we didn’t know considering we professed to be best friends, but that’s what we are working our way through. We have both learnt that underneath our friendship we have been harbouring thoughts and feelings of inferiority towards the other but we realise that we have to put those feelings to bed now because we’ve come to learn that those feelings were put there by the actions of our parents and not because of anything we’d actually done to each other.

Despite the underlying resentments we have always been a huge part of each other’s lives, our childhood and teen years together were some of the best of my life and I’m incredibly thankful that I had her to grow up with and she truly is my best friend.

We aren’t sure whether we can completely move on from what’s happened and whether things can be exactly the same as before but we definitely want to try. If anything I think things may be even better because we are back on an equal footing (for want of a better word) because we both realise we’ve been victims of our mother’s issues and we have the common ground to work on.

Regarding my mom - my sister is more angry towards her than I am actually. I’ve told my sister to just let it go and that our mom will probably never accept the way her actions have impeded on us but she is struggling to do that. My sister is more upset about my mom’s reaction to this than I am. My sister may have financially benefitted from our mom’s issues whereas I didn’t, but in terms of damage to self esteem I think over the years my sister had suffered far, far more than I have.

She said that she looks back on her life and feels angry that our mom (although we know our dad isn’t innocent in all this either) made her feel so worthless and so unworthy of pride. I worry how my sister will cope with dealing with these realisations as I definitely think she’s been affected internally far more than I have, but right now we are trying to focus on re-establishing our relationship before trying to involve our mom in the healing process. At this time I think trying to involve our mom will only hinder things as opposed to help us make sense of it all.

That sounds positive. From the start you didn't want to lose your relationship with your sister, & you are right that now you can discuss your feelings openly with her that healing will come.
As for your Mum... as said before, I don't suppose she meant to be unkind either to one or the other. For me though, the fact that she is now lashing out like a cornered cat is not going to work in her favour.

missed a bit there, but hope you get the gist

Your mums issues sadly splashed over to you and your sister. But not your problem it is hers. I am glad you are both working through it together.

Been lurking for a while, but wanted to add to PPs to say how well you’ve handled all this. Totally agree with the steps you’re now taking and the pace you’re taking it at.

It’s made me look at a few things with my own DSis. Our DM is dead now, but she used to play us both off against each other. And it definitely affected me and DSis and probably still is today. Your post has made me determined to improve my relationship with my DSis.

Very good to hear that you and your DSis are still on good terms OP and that your mothers behaviour (unintentionally divisive) has not driven any kind of deep wedge between you....it would have done so in many cases. To me, this has far less to do with the cash value of the money but more to do with the overall inequity.
Your DM's monthly cash gifting has actually deprived your DS of lifelong skills of budgeting, prioritising, saving, shopping around - all of this stuff. The cash gifts have always been the quick brainless fix for her. It's annoying that your mother has done this.
The best thing you can do for your DSis is actually give her then benefit of your knowledge and skills in financial matters to equip her moving forward in life.

The best thing you can do for your DSis is actually give her then benefit of your knowledge and skills in financial matters to equip her moving forward in life.
The nieces are getting to the stage of life where they need to learn these skills, too. Can this be dressed up in some way: you teach the nieces and DSis 'eavesdrops' or you teach DSis how to teach the nieces. Effectively, let her have a 'rerun' of her youth and do it right this time.
But don't, whatever you do, take over your mum's enabling role. DSis needs to start taking responsibility for her own life. It is not helpful to blame the parents for ever, at some stage you have to grow out of that and become master of your fate & captain of your soul.

Agree that you have handled this in a calm and thoughtful way.

Your sister can work with you to make sure that your children don't suffer from the same attitudes.

Well I’ve had my sister call me in tears earlier this morning after she had an argument with our mum. Apparently my mom had called her to ask if she needed any extra money this month seeing as Christmas is approaching and she doesn’t want my sister’s daughters to miss out. My sister had said that, no, of course she didn’t and hadn’t my mom learnt anything after the last week or so?

My mom had then made a comment about just because I’ve made “an issue of things” it doesn’t mean their arrangement has to come to an end.

My sister had then started shouting about how our mom couldn’t help herself and that she was sick of being treated as though she can’t manage and that she always needs rescuing. She had told our mom that she had always appreciated the help before but that things were different now and she wanted to be left to figure things out for herself.

My mom had then gone mad at her, calling her ungrateful again and then shouted that seeing as she (my sister) was “Miss Independence” then the monthly payments would stop and she (my sister) would just have to fend for herself. My sister had shouted back about how that suited her fine and then our mom had hung up on her.

My sister is upset because she feels m that the family has turned into some kind of a battleground and is blaming herself. I’ve told her to not get upset, not to blame herself and that things will calm down but I don’t think my reassurances helped much. She definitely struggling more than me when it comes to dealing with all of this.

Im still waiting to receive a phone call offering me some money to help pay for Christmas....

This is such a weird dynamic.
It's as if your mum does not want your DSis to grow up. Your DM clearly resents your independence and wants to make sure your DSis remains tied to her through money.
But good on your sister for saying no.

I agree I think your mum wants to be needed

It's gullfillimv her needs not your sisters

Full filling

Tell your DSis a "well done" from Mumsnet and to keep up the good work.
Have you told her about FOG.

I’m glad you and your sister have each other.

I'm glad and saddened that your sister has realised your mother is infantilising her. Wish I could give you some advice on supporting her. I don't think either of you should feel guilty over this. You both got dealt the hands you were given, you had no choice in it. You are both also entitled to feel what you feel about it.

Is you father willing to help support your sister through this too? It sounds like she could do with it. Or would he be more likely to give into your mother's demands and lay it on your sister too?

I went against my better judgement earlier and called my mom to try and calm the situation but it completely backfired.

I told her that neither me or my sister are angry with her for the decisions she made as she raised us as we genuinely believing she was doing what she thought was best, but that we’re upset because she isn’t prepared to listen to how her actions have emotionally effected us.

She wanted to know why, if we weren’t angry with her, did we want to keep turning this into an unnecessary drama. She asked why we couldn’t just accept that none of can turn back the clock, we can’t change the parenting decisions she and my dad made so what was the point in going over and over it?

I said I understood that nothing could be changed about how the last two decades have panned out but that it feels like our whole family dynamic has changed and we need to find a way to address it together and we can only do that if she can accept that even if her actions were well intentional that in fact they have deeply affected me and my sister.

She asked why it was only her that I wanted an apology for and why wasn’t I harassing my dad in the same way. I told her I wasn’t harassing her and that I had only called because of the argument she’d had with my sister, but that dad had in fact apologised for the way we had seen our childhood and how their actions had led to us feeling so worthless at times. My
mom then erupted and said that my dad had no business apologising on her behalf and she wasn’t going to let us all gang up on her.

I told her that we weren’t ganging up on her and I had simply called to check she was ok after the argument with my sister. She then started tellin me to stop doing my sister’s “dirty work for her” and that their phone calls were none of my business.

I told her I was going to go because I felt like we were going around in circles and that the last thing I wanted was to fight with her. I told her I would phone again in a few days to check she was okay and she told me me not to bother.

I think for now she just needs to be left alone.

@QueenofmyPrinces - I can completely understand why you felt the need to phone your mum after your sister phoned you and you can now see that it wasn't necessary.
I'd like to congratulate your sister on saying no to your mother. Your mother needs time to adjust to the new dynamic that is forming in your family and I would give her the time and space to come to terms with it. This does not mean going NC, more like going low contact and only when you want to. If she reaches out to you, and is willing to discuss things calmly and without losing her temper, then you're willing to discuss things too (I'd imagine having read the thread).

Best of luck to you with this.

I would speak to your dad & try to calm down DM's mad defensiveness
Xmas is coming & things are going to be tense,
What about writing a letter to her? would that be helpful ?

I've made mistakes as a mum. One of my sons brought up something that, although minor in the overall picture of my parenting, was something that had 'stuck' with him. I didn't rationalize it, I didn't try to turn it on him. I apologized for it, as his perception of it was what mattered to me. It was a five minute conversation and we've never felt it necessary to 'revisit' it. Your mum is the one who is choosing to make an issue of this, not you nor DSis. Your mum is punishing both of you for your realization of her mistakes.

I agree, your mum needs to be left alone and have space to deal with this on her own. She'll either realize that she did what she did out of ignorance or because of her own experiences as a child, or she won't. And hopefully she'll realize that you and Dsis aren't casting 'blame' per se. Just asking that she acknowledge her mistakes.

Congrats to both you and DSis for being able to handle this with each other with love and consideration. If I were your mum I'd be so proud of you.

@QueenofmyPrinces - I can completely understand why you felt the need to phone your mum after your sister phoned you and you can now see that it wasn't necessary.
I'd like to congratulate your sister on saying no to your mother. Your mother needs time to adjust to the new dynamic that is forming in your family and I would give her the time and space to come to terms with it. This does not mean going NC, more like going low contact and only when you want to. If she reaches out to you, and is willing to discuss things calmly and without losing her temper, then you're willing to discuss things too (I'd imagine having read the thread).

That is what I would advise. Has taken many years to lance this boil, it is going to be painful for a long time yet. Let your Mum lick her wounds in peace. She is lashing out at the moment.

Thank you everyone

She’s a very matriarchal figure and has always liked to think she’s in charge, head of the household etc etc and I suppose she feels her position in the family is being threatened.

I’ve spoken to my dad this evening who has said he will call my mom in a few days to try and talk her down. He feels that if he phones her now she will just feel more attacked/ganged up on and it will only make things worse.

Ok it's very clear now that it was divide and conquer so she had the power (possibly all subconsciously).

You were the one to make her look good via your achievements, DSIS the one she could feel "better" than and could help out and make her feel virtuous. Not to mention how she could have the power of money over her.

Hopefully your Dad will get through to her that her defensive behaviour is not Acceptable!

Your mum is going to try everything to restore her version of the world where your sister needs everything and you need nothing. Be prepared for absolute madness over Christmas. She may do something like give you a teabag and your sister a new car.

I think green is spot on but it's a kind of needing the mum in The strange series recently about the mum poisoning the daughter to-be ill needed...

Wow! Your mums a piece of work eh!

"she wanted to be left to figure things out for herself." Good for her!

Your mum likes to THINK of herself as a matriarch, she sounds more like a martyr type narcissist.

outofthefog.website/personality-disorders-1/