My sister financially benefitting from our parents AGAIN.

[QueenofmyPrinces]

There are 13 months between me and my sister so we were very close growing up together and we are still close now, I love her and she’s one of my favourite people to be around.

Growing up we were very different, I was the typical ‘good sensible girl’ whereas she was more the type who took each day as it came and having fun was her main focus. At the time, I was envious of her character and spirit and wished I was more like her.

I did well at school, went to college, then university and have a professional job, whereas she didn’t really try at school, dropped out of two college courses and eventually ended up in a job that our neighbour found for her.

Fast forward to now: we’re in our late 30s and still very close. We both have two children although she is no longer with the father as he turned out to be a complete shit. He’s active in the children’s lives though and he provides well for them financially and helps my sister out too in ways he isn’t obliged to. I don’t particularly like the man but I can’t criticise him for the way he still provides for the children and the things he does to help my sister.

In our teenage years and through our 20’s my sister was frequently financially helped out by our parents because “she didn’t have a well paying job” and they paid out a lot for her. They paid for things to be done around her house (luxuries as opposed to necessities), paid her phone bills and store cards, paid for things for the children and paid for her driving lessons too when she was in her mid 20’s.

At the same time as they were paying for her driving lessons I was having to pay for my own lessons even though I was a student and they were charging me rent, compared to her being in full time employment and not even living in the family home anymore.

I could list lots of ways my sister has financially benefited from our parents over the last 10-15 years and although there has always been potential for resentment because of how differently we were treated I never felt it, or if I did I have no recollection of it and it didn’t impact on my relationship with my sister.

Fast forward to the last 12 months or so and my sister started going out with her friends a lot more, going out frequently for meals and drinks, going away for weekends, having new clothes etc and at the time I thought nothing of it. I was just glad to see her enjoying herself now her children are older (10 and 14) and that she was getting her life back as it were.

Recently me and DH have put ourselves out quite significantly in terms of finances in order to do something to benefit her children in order to allow them to experience something they’d never be able to if me and DH didn’t pay for it. Initially we had spoken about her paying 10% of the cost but after thinking about it I told my sister that no financial contribution was necessary as I was happy to treat my nieces and that I knew every pound counts to her and that even a small contribution would be difficult for her. She said thanks, she appreciated it and that was the end of the discussion.

Anyhow - I found out a few days ago that for the last 12 months my parents have been giving her £200 every month “just in case she needs it” and it’s actually really pissed me off. Our parents are divorced and they each give her £100.

I now feel a little put out that she so readily accepted our offer not to contribute to what we are doing for her children (which is costing us nearly £1k) when she’s getting £200 each month from our parents that she doesn’t actually need.

They (particularly my mom) also give her children money quite frequently whereas mine don’t get anything.

Inside I feel like the “special treatment” of her is still going on after all these years and I think that throughout her life it’s paid off that she didn’t get a good job because my parents have paid out so much for her and still do. I’m also in disbelief that at our age she is still taking money from our parents because as adults shouldn’t we be taking responsibility for ourselves?

I haven’t told my sister that I know about our parents giving her money each month and my parents don’t know that I know either. I won’t say anything to either of them though because it won’t serve any purpose. I only found out due my mom’s brother accidentally letting it slip when he asked me how I was spending my £200 each month as he had assumed my parents were doing it for both of us.

Im just venting. I know it’s my parents choice how they spend their money but after watching them pay out for so much for her over the last two decades this has been a bit of a blow to know they’re still doing it.

I was talking to DH about it and in my frustration I said that I wished I’d made her life choices instead of my own as maybe then my parents would have paid my way in life too and funded my lifestyle choices. I didn’t mean it, I just said it in frustration. I don’t want money from my parents, I wouldn’t accept it if they offered, but I feel a bit hurt that again my sister is getting money from them for no real reason whereas their generosity wasn’t even offered to me.

AIBU to feel a bit pissed off? Has anyone else been in a similar position and found ways to deal with it?

QueenofmyPrinces I think you have to stop getting hung up on this idea that your sister will be paying you with your parents money. The £200 they give her is only a part of her overall household income as you have already said she receives money from the father of her children, money from employment and possibly money from welfare - the money she pays you could come from any one of those sources so you may as well say she is using her maintenance money to pay you. Furthermore, once the £200 is given to her and put in her overall pot of money it is no longer your parents money it is hers, you wouldn't class any money she received from her ex as still his money would you?

Let her contribute to the holiday it may help her to gain a bit of self respect and not feel like she is some kind of poor relation relying on the generosity of her sister. If you do this you will be starting to put your relationship on a more equal, adult footing.

If your mother crows about paying for the holiday correct her and support your sister to correct her too.

Very similar experience, except my brother is not in any way struggling. I was the academic one - my DM always praised my brother's achievements, because I "was getting enough recognition already". My brother already owns several properties, and has been given the family home, but it's "fair" because I will inherit everything else when they die. They are only in their seventies and I hope they have a good twenty years still - they don't see that what they still own could be swallowed in care fees- or I would be the one caring for them otherwise, as they don't get on with DSIL. The whole thing is being perpetuated in the GC - they have done loads of childcare for the DNs but moan about it to me, so I have never felt I could ask for help - they do far more for the DNs to make up for DSIL being difficult, so my DC miss out and don't have a close relationship with them. It's shit.

I can only applaud you for bringing all this out into the open and for calling each of them out separately, that takes some guts. Don't forget though - you, your DH and your children come first, you can't change the past and the other 3 are adults so whatever problems they have they need to sort themselves out xx

Straight away I'm gonna say bear in mind that you got your sisters version tonight - that's not necessarily the truth or the whole truth at any rate.

My sister is not beyond priming her DC to say EXACTLY the right thing in front of grandparents.

I think it's out of order she's spending that money on unnecessary luxuries and I think it's possible your parents or at least your dad aren't too happy about that either, as I think their intention was she'd have that money for emergencies or things for her Girls she couldn't otherwise afford like school trips. They won't necessarily admit it to you, but that doesn't mean they're not thinking it.

Mine didn't say as much to me for ages but there was one incident where my sister was "letting it be known" she couldn't afford for one of my dns to go on a cub trip, so my parents help her out. Next thing she's plastered all over FB she's booked a holiday for herself, without the kids who she's leaving with their dad. The truth was she couldn't afford the cub trip AND the holiday and wasn't willing to sacrifice her holiday for her child's opportunity. Now we never did without as kids, but money was tight and all us "kids" are aware our parents sacrificed a lot so that was the case - especially mum. And this particular incident upset my mum, partly the con, partly that she'd raised someone who wasn't willing to sacrifice for their own kids.

"she said that our mom was the driving force behind it whereas dad doesn’t really talk to her (my sister) about it." That's a pathetic excuse for her display of ingratitude!

BUT I think she's probably being truthful about how she was portrayed as not achieving etc as you've already noted your parents were like this with her and I can see her perspective of seeing it as "compensation" you have both been let down by your parents & I suspect it's a case of a narc mum and enabling dad - even though they've now split that dynamic is continuing. Doesn't make it right but I can see where she's coming from.

And going forward you need to stop letting your parents especially your mum set you against each other - it's kind of like kids playing parents off against each other in reverse. And a big way to avoid that is complete transparency & honesty.

Agree with balloondogs post at 2241 too.

"This is your Mum playing out her needs at both of your expenses." Totally agree!

Sounds like you have cleared the air but for your sisters sake if nothing else you should accept the money offered. It could equally be your sisters wages or benefits or child maintenance which is paying for it rather than your parents. Give your family some space, maybe try not to be so entrenched in your sisters finances and take money offered in spirit it is meant. Definitely steer clear of your DM until she admits her part in this sorry mess

Queen you are doing so well with this. Be aware that these conversations no matter how respectful and thoughtful they are are going to freak your mum out. She has built a whole skewed mad edifice in your family. You calling it out is going to feel really threatening to her sense of herself. She may get really nasty. Take care to protect yourself and your dc.

I wonder how much your DM's lack of pride in your DSis contributed to her 'failure' in life, and encouraged neediness. What her life could have been with supportive parents. I feel this is the biggest sadness. Compensating with money does not restore your self esteem or confidence.
Could she do something now that she hadn't the confidence to do i the past, now you can both see it was DM bringing her issues from her childhood to influence her own family.

But I thought she was the older sibling? So all the important exams etc, she did first? It kind of feels like she is saying all of this stuff as an excuse as to why she didn't try hard a school. Maybe if she had been the younger sibling and you had a aced all your exams first. It seems a bit off really. 'My younger sister tried hard at school and my parents were proud therefore I didn't try hard at sxhool' I really don't buy that at all. I also think she sounds incredibly manipulative and that what said t your parents when she was younger to get money out of them would probably be pretty standard teenage thing to say.

It would have been interesting if your parents had said to her that they would help fund more education when she was in her early twenties to help her get a better job etc. Not just facilitate the low paid job.

Silkie, But the parents did try & give her extra tuition, & college chances.

Just remember Sis, is used to getting what she wants &I really hope her replies were genuine, I can see that she would have heard your Mother singing your praises. I heard my mother singing the praises of Golden Brother but it was true, he did work hard with a good academic brain, (I on the other hand did not try as hard) I didn't resent my parents or him for it.
As for the money for the holiday, she says your Mother organized this finance plan to help with extras for the DC so they wouldn't be left out of opportunities again, well this holiday is just EXACTLY what they gave her the money for, I would take it, so that Sis is giving YOU something for once. it needs levelling out.
But it sounds like you will be able to salvage a possibly better relationship with sis from the wreckage of your mother's making.
She won't like being told she failed you (both).

Who paid for the desert & the wine btw ..... anyone want a bet ?

Yes she is the older sister but only by w year, she was in school year above me.

The ‘education pride’ started from when we were as young as 8/9 and were in middle school. I would get the glowing parents evenings and reports whilst my sister’s was quite mediocre. I used to win the “pupil of the week/month” awards and on two occasions pupil of the year. I was in the top sets for subjects whereas my sister wasn’t and when it came to GCSE’s I was fast tracked for maths and English (I did them in one year instead of two) so we did sit those exams together.

I can totally understand why my sister felt in my shadow in that sense and why she thought she would have been a disappointment.

I have taken on board hat had been advised about accepting payment for the holiday and I will tell my sister I am happy to accept her contribution.

We each paid for our own meals last night - including wine and desert

I don't understand why she isn't putting ALL of it aside for her dc seeing as that was why the money arrangement came into being. If another school trip comes up and she hasn't put enough aside your parents will just dig deeper I suppose. As someone up thread said, parents could have earmarked money early on for further education which hopefully would have led to higher self-esteem and self-reliance. This is just money that plugs an ongoing leak.

I'm really happy that you have begun a healing process and hopefully you gain peace of mind and feel better.

I see a big difference in giving someone money to 'fix the leaks' and giving money for specific needs.

It sounds as if your mother intended this money to be there for her dgc for outings, travel etc.

Agree with other pp: you can help your sister make sure it is spent for the intended purpose by making sure she and her dc contribute to trips and holidays, and don't have to depend on you and your dh.

It was not a good idea of your mother's to keep it secret - that will always cause resentment. And you simply didn't know that this money had been made available for this purpose, so couldn't change your behaviour with your sister to a more adult equal footing.

did you actually tell her you worked night shifts to find the money to pay for the N holiday?.....That you don't just have pots of gold to throw at her & her DC ?, that it actually involves, work & SACRIFICES ?
Did you mention you couldn't actually afford to replace your washing machine until pay day,
That when you asks D for lifts you have to pay him ?

1st post here, please be gentle! My DH and I wanted to drop off advent calendars today for my DSD, DSG and partner. Were told that it won't be convenient, as her mother is visiting for the day. Now, some background. My DSD moved in with us at 14yrs old and went no contact with her mum, after it came to light (she told me) that she was abused for years by her stepfather. Her own mum didn't believe her but we have been behind my DSD since. Police were involved but DSD decided not to testify in court, so he was only interviewed. Her mum never tried to contact her, apart from sending abusive emails, etc. My DSS (10yrs older) also went NC when all this came to light (he still is). Our own relationship has been really good - we were supportive when she got pregnant at 17, bought a flat for them near us, helped out financially quite a bit, she even wanted me present at my dsgs's birth! Recently, I found out from my DSS that their mum has been in contact and is now meeting with my DSD, telling her that she now believes her, even though she still lives with same man! AIBU to feel really confused and a little bit resentful that after all this?

So sorry, posted on this thread by mistake!

I just want to say what a kind and generous person you are queen. You've taken a situation that is very personal and painful and you've dealt with it with a great generosity of spirit. Your sister and parents are lucky to have you.

Read your lovely update and am really impressed with your gentle and loving behaviour. It is ironic indeed that both of you felt the other was the favoured child. But your sister is a CF for sponging of your parents and her justification for doing though. She has been mentally and physically lazy and took the easy way all her life and has the gall to blame it on others! You were the one actually and tangibly disadvantaged. She reaped all the benefits without ever earning them. The only person she should be mad at and disgusted with is herself. Time, she took a long hard look at herself.

Don’t your parents have the right to do what they want with their own money? Or are you envious because they are generous?’

CraftyGin, RTFT

CraftyGin Sat 01-Dec-18 13:43:45
Don’t your parents have the right to do what they want with their own money? Or are you envious because they are generous?’

I think it is more about even handedness when dealing with your children.

@CraftyGin Congratulations, you win the price for most pointless and inappropriate comment. How about at least reading OP's post before posting such a stupid response.

Thank you everyone for your support. You’ve all been so supportive in terms of enabling me to see the situation clearer and the 3rd party outside opinions have really helped. If I hadn’t had have this thread to talk things though with anyone then I certainly think my life would still feel upside down and I would still be full of anger.

My mom text me not long ago to ask why I won’t see her when I’ve seen my dad and my sister and why was I scapegoating her and refusing to talk to only her. I haven’t replied yet as I’m out my friends and our children and can’t be doing with the drama. I can’t avoid her forever though I suppose.

Glad your chat went reasonably well.

Did you make it clear to your DSis that, whilst your parents might have been bigging you up to the outside world, to you they were putting you down and telling them you weren't good enough?
I think it's important that she knows and understands that. It's something that probably needs pointing out to your Mum although i doubt she'll get it.

I'm reading that your mum realised that your DSis knew that they'd been singing your praises, compensated her with money and time and then put you down to your face as well. Bit of a double edged sword rather than 2 birds with one stone it was more like 2 stones for one bird.