My sister financially benefitting from our parents AGAIN.

[QueenofmyPrinces]

There are 13 months between me and my sister so we were very close growing up together and we are still close now, I love her and she’s one of my favourite people to be around.

Growing up we were very different, I was the typical ‘good sensible girl’ whereas she was more the type who took each day as it came and having fun was her main focus. At the time, I was envious of her character and spirit and wished I was more like her.

I did well at school, went to college, then university and have a professional job, whereas she didn’t really try at school, dropped out of two college courses and eventually ended up in a job that our neighbour found for her.

Fast forward to now: we’re in our late 30s and still very close. We both have two children although she is no longer with the father as he turned out to be a complete shit. He’s active in the children’s lives though and he provides well for them financially and helps my sister out too in ways he isn’t obliged to. I don’t particularly like the man but I can’t criticise him for the way he still provides for the children and the things he does to help my sister.

In our teenage years and through our 20’s my sister was frequently financially helped out by our parents because “she didn’t have a well paying job” and they paid out a lot for her. They paid for things to be done around her house (luxuries as opposed to necessities), paid her phone bills and store cards, paid for things for the children and paid for her driving lessons too when she was in her mid 20’s.

At the same time as they were paying for her driving lessons I was having to pay for my own lessons even though I was a student and they were charging me rent, compared to her being in full time employment and not even living in the family home anymore.

I could list lots of ways my sister has financially benefited from our parents over the last 10-15 years and although there has always been potential for resentment because of how differently we were treated I never felt it, or if I did I have no recollection of it and it didn’t impact on my relationship with my sister.

Fast forward to the last 12 months or so and my sister started going out with her friends a lot more, going out frequently for meals and drinks, going away for weekends, having new clothes etc and at the time I thought nothing of it. I was just glad to see her enjoying herself now her children are older (10 and 14) and that she was getting her life back as it were.

Recently me and DH have put ourselves out quite significantly in terms of finances in order to do something to benefit her children in order to allow them to experience something they’d never be able to if me and DH didn’t pay for it. Initially we had spoken about her paying 10% of the cost but after thinking about it I told my sister that no financial contribution was necessary as I was happy to treat my nieces and that I knew every pound counts to her and that even a small contribution would be difficult for her. She said thanks, she appreciated it and that was the end of the discussion.

Anyhow - I found out a few days ago that for the last 12 months my parents have been giving her £200 every month “just in case she needs it” and it’s actually really pissed me off. Our parents are divorced and they each give her £100.

I now feel a little put out that she so readily accepted our offer not to contribute to what we are doing for her children (which is costing us nearly £1k) when she’s getting £200 each month from our parents that she doesn’t actually need.

They (particularly my mom) also give her children money quite frequently whereas mine don’t get anything.

Inside I feel like the “special treatment” of her is still going on after all these years and I think that throughout her life it’s paid off that she didn’t get a good job because my parents have paid out so much for her and still do. I’m also in disbelief that at our age she is still taking money from our parents because as adults shouldn’t we be taking responsibility for ourselves?

I haven’t told my sister that I know about our parents giving her money each month and my parents don’t know that I know either. I won’t say anything to either of them though because it won’t serve any purpose. I only found out due my mom’s brother accidentally letting it slip when he asked me how I was spending my £200 each month as he had assumed my parents were doing it for both of us.

Im just venting. I know it’s my parents choice how they spend their money but after watching them pay out for so much for her over the last two decades this has been a bit of a blow to know they’re still doing it.

I was talking to DH about it and in my frustration I said that I wished I’d made her life choices instead of my own as maybe then my parents would have paid my way in life too and funded my lifestyle choices. I didn’t mean it, I just said it in frustration. I don’t want money from my parents, I wouldn’t accept it if they offered, but I feel a bit hurt that again my sister is getting money from them for no real reason whereas their generosity wasn’t even offered to me.

AIBU to feel a bit pissed off? Has anyone else been in a similar position and found ways to deal with it?

Pay for yourself! Why on earth would you pay for wine and desserts when she gets a sub of £200 pcm from your parents for frippery?
Seriously ?

this is was before queen knew about the £200 pocket money, but sis just kept on abusing her kindness

sis just kept on abusing her kindness

I think this is the heart of it - she abuses everyone's kindness

Your sis really has been taking piss playing "poor me" card at every bloody turn! Cheeky cow!

I don't think I could hold my tongue the point you're at.

I'd be bloody tempted to point out EVERY time she's benefited at your expense! From driving lessons on.

If it's not too late make it clear you will only be paying for what you have tonight (though actually SHE should be bloody paying for the lot, though I suspect she would then be compensated for that by your mum!)

I'd certainly be telling her there's to be no more lies.

I'd be very curious how her income (inc top up from bank of mum and dad) stacks up against yours. I'll wager she's not as badly off as she likes to make out.

Do you think it's possible that your mother refuses to recognised that DSis has effectively conned both your parents for the last 20 years

remember your Mum will have told her to report back

Ah Yes, favouritism
Haven't spoken to 2 of my siblings for several years. Resent my parents deciding which of their kids they would bankroll through life.
No intention of ever contacting any of the above, nor weddings, funerals etc etc.

I'm now at peace with myself, I sincerely hope it tortures their minds and sends them daft!

I don’t really know how write things out concisely because it feels like there’s a lot to say, so I will just get on with it. I can’t remember everything we talked about but these were the main bits.

It was incredibly awkward at first because she seemed genuinely uncomfortable around me and was struggling to look me in the eye. I told her to relax and that I wasn’t looking for an argument but just wanted to talk.

We started off talking about the £200 and why it was such a big secret and she said that our mom had told her not to tell me as she didn’t want there to be any ill feeling. I asked how it came about and she said that her eldest daughter had been upset one day when my mom had happened to visit because she’d missed out on a 3 day residential trip because my sister hadn’t been able to afford it, which of course she told her nan about it. It was obviously too late to do anything about it and apparently our mum had asked why my sister hadn’t asked them to pay for the trip so her daughter wouldn’t have missed out. My sister had said that she didn’t feel comfortable asking for money and so she hadn’t. I asked her why she hadn’t asked me to help out with the cost and she just shrugged her shoulders. She said their father had said he could afford to pay for about 60% of the cost (on top of the maintenance he had given her) but as she hadn’t been able to find the other 40% then my niece couldn’t go. My mom had then gone to my dad with her idea that my sister should have a monthly allowance so there was always some extra money available so my sister could pay for any unexpected happenings (and opportunities for her children) without having to actually ask for money. She said that mom had been very insistent, telling her how unfair it was that the children were missing out on things because of her own pride and that if the children were her priority then she would accept the offer.
We spoke about the way she is spending the money and she said that she puts some away each month for emergencies but admits that she does spend it on frivolities for herself too. She said she has never been able to enjoy money or felt like she had the freedom to treat herself and go away etc and so that’s why she does it now.

I asked about all the times over the last 12 months that she has let me pay for things when she knew her financial situation had changed and she just looked tearful and apologised. I asked if it was because she harboured resentment towards me because she thought I was favoured by our parents and she said she didn’t know, maybe. I felt very upset when she admitted that because I can’t bear to think of her having unpleasant feelings towards me.

I asked if our parents knew how she was spending their money and she said yes and that her mom had said she was pleased the money wasn’t going to waste and was enriching my sister’s life as well as her daughters.

I said that she was mentioning our mom a lot in relation to the £200 but no mention of our dad and she said that our mom was the driving force behind it whereas dad doesn’t really talk to her (my sister) about it.

We spoke about the holiday and I asked if she could she understand why I was upset and she said yes and at least had the decency to show she was embarrassed and look ashamed. She reiterated again that she was worried she would raise suspicions if she kept insisting on paying and she didn’t want to risk me finding out because our mom would have gone mental at her.

I asked her (based on possibilities that had been raised in this thread) if she felt any anger towards me because I was giving her daughters an experience that she wouldn’t be part of and she assured me she wasn’t. She said she knew my offer has come from a good place as opposed to me wanting to put-do her and that she was very grateful. She also said now that I knew about the money she genuinely did want to pay a share and more than the initial agreement too. I still didn’t accept her offer though because it just didn’t sit right with me.

We then moved on to talking about our childhood and I was honest with her about how I had always felt second best to her and that I’ve felt this way throughout our esadult lives too which is why finding out about the £200 payments really, really hurt me.

She told me that she knew our parents had done more for her as we were growing up, and as adults, but she hadn’t realised how much it had bothered me. She said that as I never said anything about it she didn’t realise it was something that played on my mind. I told her that ‘played on my mind’ didn’t even come close to how the differential treatment had affected me, I told her it was more like it tortured me.

When we spoke about our childhood though she said that strangely she had always felt second best to me and that in our parents eyes she was a complete disappointment. She said she used to hear our mom having telephone conversations with other people and all she went on about was me and how well I was doing at college and how proud she was etc and my sister said it really hurt. She said she used to listen in on the conversations in the hope she’d hear our mom say something positive about her but it never happened. She said the reason she didn’t bother at school/college was because she thought nothing she did would ever compare to me (in her eyes) so she just thought “what’s the point?”. She said that her attitude was just to let our parents get on with gushing over me and she’d just have fun and enjoy her life.

She had moved out with her boyfriend a few months before I started Uni and she said she only did it because she wanted to get away from us all because her confidence was so low already (in terms of feeling second best to me) that she couldn’t have coped with having my achievements at Uni being rubbed in her face which she said our parents would have done.

She said that even being away from home didn’t really help though and she struggled with her sense of feeling like a disappointment most days. She admitted that she had her first child quite quickly because she thought that if she provided the first grandchild it would give her the ‘edge’ over me and it would be something she’d be praised for and remembered for. She said she had wanted to prove to our parents that she was worthy of their attention too and okay, she wasn’t academic or in a good job, but she’d provided them with a grandchild whereas I hadn’t.

We spoke about all the ways my parents had financially helped her, including most of the examples I’ve used on this thread and she said that her take on it was that they did it out of guilt. She said our parents (especially our mom) knew deep down that the way she had always put me on some kind of pedestal was unfair and hurtful and so throwing money and solutions at my sister was her way of trying to even things out. She said that she felt so resentful to our parents for having “written her off” that she didn’t feel bad about taking their money because she felt it was the compensation she deserved. Because she said that I asked again if she was happy to let me spend my money on her for the same reason and she said she didn’t know. I have a feeling that deep down she does resent me for being the Golden Child (in her eyes) but that she can’t bring herself to admit it to me.

She said that our parent’s money doesn’t change anything emotionally though and that she still feels like our parents wishes she was more like me instead of the ‘lost cause’ they’d always thought she was from as far back as when we were teenagers.

As we sat there talking I couldn’t believe how she and I had both felt like the less favoured daughter and I found it very sad that it meant neither of us had ever felt like we’d mattered. I couldn’t believe how we had such different views of our childhood and that actually we had both felt exactly the same, that the other sister was the favourite.

I asked her why she’d never said anything about how she’d felt and why she’d never opened up to me and she said doing so just seemed pointless. She also said she didn’t want any of us to know that she was upset that she’d been pegged as the black sheep, she wanted to put on a brave face and make out she didn’t care that our parents thought she wasn’t as important as I was (in her eyes).

I said it upset me to think she’d been harbouring all these feeling for so many years and she said she felt the same about me.

I asked if she’d told our mom that we were having dinner and she’d said no and I have no reason to disbelieve her.

She was really tearful by the end of the night because it had been so emotionally draining. I feel exhausted by it and to be honest the conversation is still swimming around inside my head and I’m trying to piece it all together because it’s just so overwhelming.

We had a hug when I dropped her off and I said we both had a lot of information to process in order to make sense to make of the current situation but that if we’re honest with each other then we can make sure that things will be okay.

Sorry, that wasn’t very concise was it

I'm glad you've had a chat to your sister. The thing that stands out from what you've posted is it's all about how your sister feels. Her perception, her opinion, her view, her feelings.
What about YOUR perceptions, opinions, views, feelings?
Nothing in this was about how YOU feel.
You matter, and tbh it looks to me like none of your family consider that you do.
Hugs xxx

But, of the both of you, your sister gets the material/financial/ supportive advantages.
Which is not fair to you, at all

@QueenofmyPrinces I've been lurking and have read all your posts and wanted to say well done for taking steps to try and resolve what has clearly been a distressing and difficult situation for all four of you in various ways over the years.

One thing in your last post that really stood out is your saying to your DSis that you still won't accept her contribution to her daughters' holiday with you. Please consider that if you continue this you become the one perpetuating the situation and you may fuel continued bad feeling. Allow her to pay her way now she can, this will reduce your resentment of her receipt of so much financial help but you also level the playing field between you and don't make her feel like a charity case which can be demeaning. It might be worth another sit down once you're both feeling calmer and acknowledging your part in this unhealthy dynamic and saying you will accept her contribution, and from now on you will go halves on your dinners together etc but you also love her and as her sister if she is ever in the situation where she can't afford something you can just do/go somewhere cheaper/free as you want to have an equal, loving relationship from here on with no more secrets or resentments on either side.

Good luck OP x

Sounds like that was very cathartic for you both.

After sitting here reading this whole thread I think every single thing here is the result of your mother’s issues. PND or otherwise.

I hope you can all work through it and find peace with it all.

I feel like that was probably the best outcome Queen, and I feel like your relationship will be ok going forward.

I wonder what she will say to your mum? It seems to me your dad and sister will properly reflect on their behaviour. It is your mum who I suspect will continue to hold out.

Do you believe she genuinely felt that way growing up? Is it possible your parents did appear, to others, to favour you?

This has always been about your Mum...

She bigged your achievements up so she looked and felt good about her parenting...

She gave your DSIS all this help so she could feel good about her parenting and so she wasn't seen to be favouring the youngest.

This is your Mum playing out her needs at both of your expenses.

What a week you've had! You must be exhausted.
Sit back now, let everyone process what's been said and meanwhile take care of yourself.

Do you believe she genuinely felt that way growing up? Is it possible your parents did appear, to others, to favour you?

If you were to ask any other family members how they perceived our parents to feel about me and my sister I think a very high percentage would say that from the outside our parents seemed to favour me.

I will think again them about my sister’s contribution to the holiday. I suppose I can’t quite get over the fact that actually it’s my parent’s money, not my sister’s, and I don’t want it to effectively be them financing it. I would rather pay the whole cost myself than use my parents money because my mom will then no doubt gush about how her granddaughters can go on holiday because of her generosity etc etc

I’m just lying in bed now reflecting on how the evening went and I feel like it went as well as I could have hoped.

As a poster said, I think me and my sister are the damaged goods from my mum’s unresolved issues.

Thanks senua - we’ve agreed to have a few days space from each other to absorb what’s been said and decide whether it helps us see things more clearly. She said she’d give me a call early next week and we’d take it from there.

Why on earth didn't you tell her to contribute towards the holiday? You are just continuing to enable this behaviour ...

Why on earth didn't you tell her to contribute towards the holiday? You are just continuing to enable this behaviour.

Because like I already said above, it’s my parents money, not hers. I don’t want my parents money paying for it.

Sounds like she was being truthful then and not just spinning you a sob story. It is sad you have both been affected by your parents, especially your mum. Though I would maintain they have treated you worse.

I hope you get a good nights sleep and feel slightly better about things.

How awfulmypurbparents couldn't value you both equally even if they treated you unfairly

This should be a cautionary tale for all parents

I'm glad you've been able to chat about different views with your sister. Hopefully you'll be able to move forward with a more honest relationship in future with the all (except your mother for now).

I wish my sister and I had seen just how badly our mother's fucked up family had ended up screwing us over. She is relatively normal in comparison to what happened to her, but my mother has been the driving force in us no longer having a relationship. Ironically that fell apart when she was too ill to control it and long before I'd realised her hand in affairs.

I'd only ever hear my parents talk about my achievements with the caveat of how well my sister is doing. I've learnt recently that it was because of being diagnosed with what's now ADHD that people were asking out of concern. I would hear them dismiss me, my sister would hear everyone else ask after me and my mother would ultimately use that to stir the pot.

Its good that you have enough relationship with your sister to understand you're both victims. However I'd really caution that it shouldn't mean she still takes you for a ride.

Best thing now is you can encourage your DSIS to study/retrain, encourage her to be master of her own new destiny and not live in the role your Mum attributed to her all those years ago.

Both you and your sister have been damaged and made to feel somehow 'lesser' by the actions of your parents. I sincerely hope any parents reading this realise just what kind of distress favouring one child over the other in any way causes.

Both you and you sister have been able to have a frank, open and honest talk which is exceptionally good, I think you can both build on this and have a much stronger relationship between you, there are no secrets or hidden slights and feelings now. Once you have slept on it it won't feel so overwhelming and you will both be able to move forward with a different, more equal, more adult, more respectful, honest relationship between you.

I do agree that you need to stop treating her and looking at her as some kind of charity case that you need to sort out and I think if you were honest with yourself you get pleasure and a feeling of pride out of being the sensible, benevolent sister helping the ditzy, hopeless one out. Treat her more as an adult, ask her to treat you as one too - you are sisters not mother and daughter.

I think you can certainly save and have a stronger relationship with your sister, give her credit for behaving like an adult and wanting to talk to you and sort this out, she clearly doesn't want to lose you.

I also think the relationship with your dad may well change for the better.

The relationship with your mother will change because of this and probably not for the better, her unwillingness to listen to you or accept any fault has seen to that but if you and your sister can become a strong team together it will offset and buffer that.

Good on you for facing and dealing with all this and not brushing it under the carpet and being eaten away by resentment.