My sister financially benefitting from our parents AGAIN.

[QueenofmyPrinces]

There are 13 months between me and my sister so we were very close growing up together and we are still close now, I love her and she’s one of my favourite people to be around.

Growing up we were very different, I was the typical ‘good sensible girl’ whereas she was more the type who took each day as it came and having fun was her main focus. At the time, I was envious of her character and spirit and wished I was more like her.

I did well at school, went to college, then university and have a professional job, whereas she didn’t really try at school, dropped out of two college courses and eventually ended up in a job that our neighbour found for her.

Fast forward to now: we’re in our late 30s and still very close. We both have two children although she is no longer with the father as he turned out to be a complete shit. He’s active in the children’s lives though and he provides well for them financially and helps my sister out too in ways he isn’t obliged to. I don’t particularly like the man but I can’t criticise him for the way he still provides for the children and the things he does to help my sister.

In our teenage years and through our 20’s my sister was frequently financially helped out by our parents because “she didn’t have a well paying job” and they paid out a lot for her. They paid for things to be done around her house (luxuries as opposed to necessities), paid her phone bills and store cards, paid for things for the children and paid for her driving lessons too when she was in her mid 20’s.

At the same time as they were paying for her driving lessons I was having to pay for my own lessons even though I was a student and they were charging me rent, compared to her being in full time employment and not even living in the family home anymore.

I could list lots of ways my sister has financially benefited from our parents over the last 10-15 years and although there has always been potential for resentment because of how differently we were treated I never felt it, or if I did I have no recollection of it and it didn’t impact on my relationship with my sister.

Fast forward to the last 12 months or so and my sister started going out with her friends a lot more, going out frequently for meals and drinks, going away for weekends, having new clothes etc and at the time I thought nothing of it. I was just glad to see her enjoying herself now her children are older (10 and 14) and that she was getting her life back as it were.

Recently me and DH have put ourselves out quite significantly in terms of finances in order to do something to benefit her children in order to allow them to experience something they’d never be able to if me and DH didn’t pay for it. Initially we had spoken about her paying 10% of the cost but after thinking about it I told my sister that no financial contribution was necessary as I was happy to treat my nieces and that I knew every pound counts to her and that even a small contribution would be difficult for her. She said thanks, she appreciated it and that was the end of the discussion.

Anyhow - I found out a few days ago that for the last 12 months my parents have been giving her £200 every month “just in case she needs it” and it’s actually really pissed me off. Our parents are divorced and they each give her £100.

I now feel a little put out that she so readily accepted our offer not to contribute to what we are doing for her children (which is costing us nearly £1k) when she’s getting £200 each month from our parents that she doesn’t actually need.

They (particularly my mom) also give her children money quite frequently whereas mine don’t get anything.

Inside I feel like the “special treatment” of her is still going on after all these years and I think that throughout her life it’s paid off that she didn’t get a good job because my parents have paid out so much for her and still do. I’m also in disbelief that at our age she is still taking money from our parents because as adults shouldn’t we be taking responsibility for ourselves?

I haven’t told my sister that I know about our parents giving her money each month and my parents don’t know that I know either. I won’t say anything to either of them though because it won’t serve any purpose. I only found out due my mom’s brother accidentally letting it slip when he asked me how I was spending my £200 each month as he had assumed my parents were doing it for both of us.

Im just venting. I know it’s my parents choice how they spend their money but after watching them pay out for so much for her over the last two decades this has been a bit of a blow to know they’re still doing it.

I was talking to DH about it and in my frustration I said that I wished I’d made her life choices instead of my own as maybe then my parents would have paid my way in life too and funded my lifestyle choices. I didn’t mean it, I just said it in frustration. I don’t want money from my parents, I wouldn’t accept it if they offered, but I feel a bit hurt that again my sister is getting money from them for no real reason whereas their generosity wasn’t even offered to me.

AIBU to feel a bit pissed off? Has anyone else been in a similar position and found ways to deal with it?

I’ve spoken briefly to my dad and he’s going to come over once I’ve got the children in bed so we can have a chat. Whilst on the phone had seemed genuinely upset that I was harbouring feelings of inferiority and he said he wanted to come and explain himself to me. He was definitely calmer and more open to a conversation than my mom had been, but he’s always been the more ‘normal’ of the two so I expected he’d be more understanding.

I would suggest that you offer to talk to them about this once, and once only, provided they are prepared to extend you the courtesy and respect of actually listening to and hearing what you have to say and to make a considerate and conscious effort to understand what the real issue is and how all this has made you feel. If, however, they are going to deliberately misconstrue and wilfully misunderstand the issue at the heart of all this and become defensive and dismissive then there is no point as it will serve no purpose.

If they agree, then plan in advance what you want to say and what examples to use to illustrate your points, there are plenty in this thread alone and I am sure there are more. It is inconceivable to me why they have never offered anything to you but feel perfectly happy and able to do so to your sister. On the driving lessons issue, why did it never cross their minds to treat you the same? Or offer to forgo the rent you were paying to stay with them to even it up? On the boiler and washing machine issue, why did your mother feel no compunction whatsoever to immediately swoop in and replace the boiler for your sister and yet not offer to give or lend you the money when she could see you needed help? Why does your father want and feel able to charge you for his petrol and time but not your sister? Why did your father step up for your sister in terms of childcare but could not even spare a couple of hours for you the only time you ever asked?

They won't like hearing what you have to say because it requires them to look at their actions and how they are viewed differently from how they view or justify them to themselves.

good. but please don't dwell on the £200 and the holiday. That isn't the point and considering you have money makes you look jealous.

Your feelings that they don't help or support you (and never have) are specific and valid - focus on those.

Hope it goes well with your dad, OP. As hard as it will be try to keep calm, focused, objective and factual. Good luck.

They had also paid to put her on their own car insurance whilst she was learning so they could take her out themselves for extra lessons too. Needless to say they didn’t do that for me.

Are you me?

I posted earlier how I was worried I might have behaved like your parents with my now teenage DDs and was always worrying about being fair to them - but as I read more and more about what bastards your parents have been to you, my worry is only for you. I reckon its going to take a long time for you to work through this OP; please don't feel you have to pretend to play happy families there is no way back from this. My heart goes out to the young Queen you must have been so bewildered.

Unfotunately. Golden child syndrome is remarkably frequent. It is not unusual to have more in common with one or other of your children. Characters are different. BUT this is another level of inequality. & when your M said "why now ? Or that was 15 years ago". The answer is i"Well exactly. It is an early example & it has been continuous, why now ? Because I discover it continues in secret, deliberate exclusion, whether it's financial or practical help...
I have been doing late shifts to take DN on holiday. Meanwhile you are secretly financing her social life & holidays.school shoes, taxis, boiler, etc
Unfortunately there is no simple solution. If they stop subbing S she will not like it. If they offer you money, it's forced & refusal will cause more grief.
I said before, the best thing you can do is keep away from them, lick your wounds, live your best life with DC & H...& accept you have a dysfunctional family, for which you were not responsible

Please show your dad the FB pictures

You're not going to be able to sort out the situation if you keep hiding what you know about what's currently going on. The inequality you see now has made you question so many incidents in the past, which your parents will have obviously seen differently at the time and responded how they saw fit at the time. No point raking it all up. You and your sister are different personalities who have been treated differently in the past. Nothing to be done about that now, there's no point pulling out another story of how you were hard done by. They didn't see your side of the situation then, but you can put them straight about the real situation now. Your sister will probably get the hump with you, but that's better than feeling increasingly resentful towards parents who have tried to do what's best for both kids at the time.

Btw, my dad makes similar jokes about buying lunch. It's just the dynamic we have, humorous, but he would be less likely to say that to my sister, who has a tighter budget. I don't think he would have meant anything by it, but I do think your resentment is starting to colour how you view many interactions.

ask your dad why you were expected to buy him lunch in exchange for your lift and your sister gets help with no strings attached

I sympathise with you as I am in a similar position. My younger sister has always leached off our parents, whereas I have chosen to be sensible with my money, live within my means and refuse money from them when they kindly offered it. She has always had a better paid job than me but such is her exaggerated sense of self entitlement she has always managed to convince people around her that she was being short changed in life. At the same time she has always been concerned that I or my son might be getting something from our parents that she or her daughter wasn't, but in fact the opposite was frequently true. Apparently she has always been jealous of me, for example an ex of hers told me she was beside herself when I had a baby, as she felt she should have one too. This led to her, six years later, having a fling with somebody else's handsome boyfriend, deliberately getting pregnant without his backing/consent or even knowledge, resulting in her finally getting the baby she felt she was owed and with good genes too!
Sadly our mother passed away a few years ago and since then my sister has coaxed/bullied our father into gifting their house to her, completely behind my back, with me finding out only by accident. Apparently I wasn't supposed to know anything about it until he had passed away. A family friend said to me after I found out "I know she has been working on him for some time, getting him to sign the house over to her...".
Now I don't see either of them as I refuse to go to the house that she owns and Dad stopped going out anywhere soon after he was widowed. More than financially, this has all affected me emotionally, as although Dad has certainly never been an angel, it was always me who stuck by him and I thought we were close up until now. About a year before I found out what he'd done, he told me that he had taken a test and the results showed he had dementia, but I don't know any more than that, it does make me wonder though.
More than anything I feel this has affected my son, as any money I might have received from the house sale would have paid a deposit on a house for him and I can't help but think that is what my father would have wanted for him. I do feel that my sister has convinced him that the house needs to stay within the family because our late mother is still there, he has always very much believed in an afterlife, and as he is still grieving he has chosen to believe and cling onto that story.
My mother would turn in her grave if she had one (she was cremated!) with all this going on, as she was always adamant that everything would be split down the middle and my sister is well aware that was what she wanted.
Anyway, going back to the original post, please be careful your parents are not also coaxed into signing over their house to your sister, as I would not want you to end up in the same situation as me. Good luck!

I wonder how your sister gets an extra £400 a month from her ex, £200 a month from her parents, a wage AND benefits. I bet she isn't declaring the first two. I would honestly be making this point to all three of them. The money is irrelevant though really isn't it op. It's the years of shoulder shrugging when yet again she gets and you don't. You have become far too accepting of this being normal when it is nowhere near that. The door is open and you can't just close it again. Show your dad her Facebook page. Tell him that you are angry that she is yet again taking the piss out of her parents. You know what your sister earns. Show him how much. Your sister acts like "poor me" only because she can and because they and to a lesser extent you have enabled it. I am also sorry to say that they will treat your children differently. And that will hurt even more than how you feel now. This is why you have to sort it. Don't take a penny towards the holiday. Have a fab time with your neices but make sure she and your parents realise this isn't being swept under the carpet. Stop being the one going to see any of them. For your own sake because unfortunately this is not the end of the matter.

Hope talking with your Dad tonight has helped you

Queen, my heart breaks for you having read through all this thread. I hope you get somewhere with your dad. I think you need to be more honest about how you feel - you should tell your family that you had to work overtime to take your nieces abroad (which is a lovely thing to do, and you should be commended for that).

I have 2 daughters and a son and I couldn't bear it if any of them felt I favoured one over the others. I'm actually concerned now, as one is living at home while in uni, has a part-time job and pays for anything she needs, eg flights for interviews for postgrad courses. The second one has chosen (and I agree with her choice) to study away from home, so that we are having to pay for everything, and then I wonder, is it fair to expect #1 to pay for things because she can?

I even cost out their Christmas presents and one year got the 2 girls within 50p of each other!!

Definitely do not cancel the holiday, your nieces will remember their first time abroad forever. It's the collusion between your sister and your parents to keep this from you that must be so hurtful! And the flat refusal of your dad to help you with childcare when he did so much to help your sister - things that like cut you to the quick.

My kids were the first grandchildren until my youngest sister had hers. While I could never say that mine were pushed out, or unfairly treated, it quickly because obvious who the favourites were. I felt my youngest was barely tolerated, yet he was the only boy with 4 girls. These things hurt big-time, my parents had both passed away by the time DS was 3, he is 15 now and it still hurts.

You need to have an honest heart-to-heart with your parents Queen, tell them how their actions have made you feel. You sound like a lovely person, and you should be appreciated! xx

Touch does your DD2 have a part time job? If not, I do think it is a bit off that you don’t offer to pay for your DD1’s flights if they are related to education.

Are there any circumstances where you’ve paod for DD2 but not DD1 without realising - eg paying for a holiday for DD2 but DD1 paod our of her own wages?

touch - if I’m honest, I probably would feel resentful if I was your daughter at home.

When you say you pay for everything with your other daughter what does that include? How much is her choice to go to Uni costing you a month for example? And how much a month do you spend on your daughter who lives at home to help her out?

Does your daughter who studies abroad have w job? If so, why isn’t she contributing to her own costs? If she doesn’t have a job, is her reason valid? Is it because she doesn’t need one because she know you’re paying for everything for her?

If your daughter at home had also evidence to study abroad could you have afforded to pay for everything for her too as well as the cost of already paying for your other daughter? Or can you only afford to fund your daughter abroad because your daughter at home isn’t costing you anything?

I’m just trying to see things through the eyes of your daughter at home.

Is she thinking how lucky her sister is because she gets the wonderful experience of living and studying aboard, having that level of freedom and independence because you’re paying for it.....whereas she’s still at home and having to pay for herself?

Obviously we don’t the know the full ins and outs surrounding your situation but all it boils down to is whether they are being treated fairly or whether your daughter abroad is receiving a lot more help and support than your daughter at home. Only you can know if you are doing that.

It was very draining with my dad last night so I will update once the eldest child is at school and the youngest one is napping.

OP, I hope you're all right.

Touch, the financial discrepancy is kind of screaming from your post already...

I wonder how your sister gets an extra £400 a month from her ex, £200 a month from her parents, a wage AND benefits. I bet she isn't declaring the first two

She doesn't need to declare maintenance as it doesn't count for means tested benefits or tax credits. The £200 from parents also doesn't count - although it could cause problems if paid into her bank account on a regular basis - but essentially payments from family members that could stop at any time don't count for means tested benefits.

I think it is obvious from your posts that your parents treat you and your sister differently due to the way they perceive you both. You are the strong independent one probably because you have had to be and your sister is the victim, unable to survive without a certain level of mollycoddling. Part of that is as you say down to her life choices not to work hard at school and even now instead of focusing on a better life for her DDs she is not working to better herself but having a good time and not saving to take her own DDs abroad and accepting handouts from her parents who may well not be able to afford it. All three have colluded in keeping this from you so they know it is unfair. I don't think they are laughing behind your back as there seems to be secrets kept on all sides. Maybe your uncle thinks this is unfair too and told you while pretending he thought you knew what was going on.

I think you should accept your sisters money towards the holiday and maybe put it towards some nice experiences or even to pay for her to come too so you can bury the hatchet considering you get on well normally. . Was it ever suggested she come with you all with her paying obviously? I wonder if she somehow resented you as the benevolent sister paying for her children to enjoy a holiday while she stays at home and you turning down the money she offered was a mistake I think. If she is not completely open about her finances why did you assume she could not afford to pay? Personally if I had been her I would have wanted to go with them and would move heaven and earth to do so. I also think voicing your feelings of resentment to your parents was the right thing to do and they obviously feel bad at upsetting you. Finding a way to move forward will help you all.

We have two daughters close to each other in age who are now early thirties and we try very hard to treat them exactly the same but not necessarily at the same time as like you and your sister they are in different circumstances. One is single (no children) and did a PhD at university on a limited bursary so we helped with rent etc and gave her my old car. Now she is a high earner and needs less help but we have paid for the odd holiday for her or paid for the odd home improvement project as we help our youngest out more at the moment. Our youngest is married now with 2 young children and works part time on an average wage so we have helped with childcare both in time (one day a week) and helped with nursery costs until we took early retirement and our income dropped. We gave them a lump sum towards a bigger car after our DGD1 was born and gave her money while she was on maternity leave and her husband was very ill so on half pay for a while. We also helped with her wedding financially. In all other respects we treat them the same. Same amounts for birthdays and Christmas. We helped them with house deposits, university costs, family holidays and financial gifts when we can afford to. I would hate either of them to feel hard done by but we are open with the help we give and they both constantly say how grateful they are. They are both hard workers though and neither expects help.

Touchmybum - that sounds very unfair.

You have "stretched yourself" as you weren't aware of the regular funding by your parents. Think I would find it very hard not to mention the fact to sister. Tell her you are finding it hard funding your offer and she will need to contribute. Your parents are allowing your sister to be "needy" and she always will be if people keep funding her. YANBU.

I've read most of the thread and it has brought up a lot of emotions for me too.
It's the secrecy that I find the hardest. I was a stay at home mother with a large family and one severely disabled daughter . We really struggled . I am the eldest in my family . We continue to sacrifice a lot in order to help our children and to pay off debt accrued while bringing up our family .
I have suspected for years that the 5 increasingly expensive house moves my younger sister has made over the years were only achieved with large sums given by my parents . I am married and my sister is a single parent to one child . I actually asked my parents years ago how she did it . I was told she saved .
I found out recently that of course that wasn't true and she had been gifted tens of thousands .
If I mention money at all I am painted as money grabbing . I keep my distance as much as possible but I find the anger hard to cope with because my family present themselves to the world as very happy and close and of course , fair to all.
I want to cut all ties but I know that would result in me being cut out of the will. I feel like a hypocrite but I am trying to think of my daughters needs.

I feel for you OP. The amounts involved are much smaller in your case but the attitudes are the same . And they stink

My sister doesn’t go abroad because she is petrified of flying. Before she had children she and her Ex had been to Europe on a coach a few times but she also burns very, very easily (to the point of blistering sometimes) so she didn’t really enjoy it - she is an avid sun avoider even in this country. Even if she or I were in a position to pay for her to join us she wouldn’t for the above reasons.

When we were children we had lots of beach holidays abroad and we loved it and felt very lucky and my sister has previously said she felt guilty that her own daughter’s wouldn’t be able to experience abroad holidays due to her own reasons for not wanting to go on them. That’s another reason why I’m taking them, not only because I want to treat them but also so my sister knows her daughters won’t miss out on something that she wants them to have.

Maybe deep down she doesn’t like the fact that I’m the one who is providing that opportunity for her children and she won’t get to see it, but hopefully she can see that it’s for her children’s benefit and not want to stop them going just because she’s not the one taking them. I haven’t actually spoken to her about wether she feels upset/jealous/angry about me taking my nieces away because I just assumed she would be happy about it. Maybe I should talk to her about it..... after all, this thread has certainly taught me that making assumptions about how people feel about or perceive things things can very often lead to misunderstanding and hidden seething.

So, regarding my dad,
I’m going to keep this concise though.

Basically, he said that he had no idea how their treatment of my sister as we were growing up and as adults was something that has caused me so much upset. He said that nothing he or my mum had done was intentional and they weren’t aware of how their behaviours/attitudes toward us would cause any ill feeling. He said that they just parented us in the ways that seems right at the time.

He said that my sister was always making comments to them about how I’d always been the preferred daughter (in her eyes) and that because I was at Uni it then it must have made them prefer me even more. My dad said they her comments had upset him and my mom and so they had gone out of their way to help her (financially and practically) to show her that she was just as valued as she thought I was.

I bought up the driving lessons and he said that in hindsight, maybe it had seemed unfair but he knew that if I learnt to drive it would only make my sister thobk it was another way in which she was ‘lesser’ and so he and my mom wanted to pay for her to have lessons (because she couldn’t afford it herself) to make sure she could achieve getting a licence too so she and I would be ‘equals’ in at least one thing. I said I could understand that (maybe) but it still hurt, especially that they gave her extra lessons and put her on their insurance. He said the reason they did that was because they knew she’d struggle to learn (I’m not sure why they thought that) whereas I would “no doubt pick it up really quickly” so them giving extra help to my sister had seemed the most sensible thing to do.

I bought up various other examples that had made me feel like they preferred her over me and there was always a reason/excuse and they all boiled down to the fact that it was assumed I could face and deal with anything whereas they felt my sister always needed a little bit of support.

He genuinely, genuinely seemed upset about how I had perceived our youth and that he had never even considered that underneath me “getting on with things” I was actually wondering why my sister was so worthy of their help, money and support yet I wasn’t.

He admitted that maybe he and my mom had been so focused on what my sister needed that they had overlooked that maybe I could have needed some help with things too. He asked me why I had never spoken up when we were younger and I said that because I felt unfavoured and less important then it was very difficult to say anything and it had seemed pretty pointless because I had always felt like they wouldn’t have been interested in how I was feeling anyway. I said I had always felt that my sister was the priority and that I was off their radar anyway and so I just kept my head down and my mouth shut.

I was in tears by the end of the night because it was hard re-living everything and and bringing up feelings that I had kept buried but it did all need to come out.

My dad was also upset when he left - he said he had no idea how their parenting styles had come across and that he genuinely thought they had simply been doing their best by both of us and treating us fairly. He said that perhaps if he’d looked at things through my eyes then maybe he would have realised that things weren’t as fair as they’d perhaps thought.

I hope you feel a bit better after your chat with your dad.

Total x post there.
Do you feel better? Do you think anything will change?