My sister financially benefitting from our parents AGAIN.

[QueenofmyPrinces]

There are 13 months between me and my sister so we were very close growing up together and we are still close now, I love her and she’s one of my favourite people to be around.

Growing up we were very different, I was the typical ‘good sensible girl’ whereas she was more the type who took each day as it came and having fun was her main focus. At the time, I was envious of her character and spirit and wished I was more like her.

I did well at school, went to college, then university and have a professional job, whereas she didn’t really try at school, dropped out of two college courses and eventually ended up in a job that our neighbour found for her.

Fast forward to now: we’re in our late 30s and still very close. We both have two children although she is no longer with the father as he turned out to be a complete shit. He’s active in the children’s lives though and he provides well for them financially and helps my sister out too in ways he isn’t obliged to. I don’t particularly like the man but I can’t criticise him for the way he still provides for the children and the things he does to help my sister.

In our teenage years and through our 20’s my sister was frequently financially helped out by our parents because “she didn’t have a well paying job” and they paid out a lot for her. They paid for things to be done around her house (luxuries as opposed to necessities), paid her phone bills and store cards, paid for things for the children and paid for her driving lessons too when she was in her mid 20’s.

At the same time as they were paying for her driving lessons I was having to pay for my own lessons even though I was a student and they were charging me rent, compared to her being in full time employment and not even living in the family home anymore.

I could list lots of ways my sister has financially benefited from our parents over the last 10-15 years and although there has always been potential for resentment because of how differently we were treated I never felt it, or if I did I have no recollection of it and it didn’t impact on my relationship with my sister.

Fast forward to the last 12 months or so and my sister started going out with her friends a lot more, going out frequently for meals and drinks, going away for weekends, having new clothes etc and at the time I thought nothing of it. I was just glad to see her enjoying herself now her children are older (10 and 14) and that she was getting her life back as it were.

Recently me and DH have put ourselves out quite significantly in terms of finances in order to do something to benefit her children in order to allow them to experience something they’d never be able to if me and DH didn’t pay for it. Initially we had spoken about her paying 10% of the cost but after thinking about it I told my sister that no financial contribution was necessary as I was happy to treat my nieces and that I knew every pound counts to her and that even a small contribution would be difficult for her. She said thanks, she appreciated it and that was the end of the discussion.

Anyhow - I found out a few days ago that for the last 12 months my parents have been giving her £200 every month “just in case she needs it” and it’s actually really pissed me off. Our parents are divorced and they each give her £100.

I now feel a little put out that she so readily accepted our offer not to contribute to what we are doing for her children (which is costing us nearly £1k) when she’s getting £200 each month from our parents that she doesn’t actually need.

They (particularly my mom) also give her children money quite frequently whereas mine don’t get anything.

Inside I feel like the “special treatment” of her is still going on after all these years and I think that throughout her life it’s paid off that she didn’t get a good job because my parents have paid out so much for her and still do. I’m also in disbelief that at our age she is still taking money from our parents because as adults shouldn’t we be taking responsibility for ourselves?

I haven’t told my sister that I know about our parents giving her money each month and my parents don’t know that I know either. I won’t say anything to either of them though because it won’t serve any purpose. I only found out due my mom’s brother accidentally letting it slip when he asked me how I was spending my £200 each month as he had assumed my parents were doing it for both of us.

Im just venting. I know it’s my parents choice how they spend their money but after watching them pay out for so much for her over the last two decades this has been a bit of a blow to know they’re still doing it.

I was talking to DH about it and in my frustration I said that I wished I’d made her life choices instead of my own as maybe then my parents would have paid my way in life too and funded my lifestyle choices. I didn’t mean it, I just said it in frustration. I don’t want money from my parents, I wouldn’t accept it if they offered, but I feel a bit hurt that again my sister is getting money from them for no real reason whereas their generosity wasn’t even offered to me.

AIBU to feel a bit pissed off? Has anyone else been in a similar position and found ways to deal with it?

Well done for confronting your mum. Totally justified to be angry. Your mum will see sense (hopefully). People’s natural first reaction is defense.
I have had a big blow up last year, which did get everything out in the open over a period of time, and now things are much much better.

If you don’t let out your sht every now and then, you end up full of sht.

In other words they are rewarding her behaviour and not yours and why does the help always have to be financial?

I bit my tongue when it came to telling them how exactly my sister is spending their money

It's this the cause of this whole issue though? Seems a bit silly to make such a big thing of all the assistance if your parents are still under the impression your sister needs the money. Saying you resent the unequal treatment if your sis was actually struggling would make you look much worse, I think. You should tell them.

I'm really sorry OP, I'd be so hurt. I really sympathise.

It's one thing offering a little help when desperately needed, but to enable someone for 20 years then get offended when it's pointed out...

I do have some issues with my parents and my sibling but fortunately, they are very equal with financial stuff. But I know for a fact if I confronted my mum about anything similar, no matter how right or nice I was about it, she would immediately be incredibly defensive and offended.

Good luck navigating through this. x

You should tell them about her active social life. That’s where the money is going.

Doesn't sound like it would make any difference telling them about her sister's active social life sadly. As someone said earlier OPs parents are stuck with the same "script" ie they feel her sister is someone who always "needs help"

Are you still going to see your sister on Thursday?

I don’t know to be honest, I suppose it depends how things unravel over the next few days. Plus, my youngest niece will be there and I really don’t want to have any kind of argument on front of her.

Wise to see how things go over the next few days but your niece would probably pick up on the strain between you even without any kind of argument.

Let her come & see you. if she feels she is able to face the music.
Unlikely

I think l would give Thursday a miss. You need time to get your head straight and decide where you go from here
Whatever happens the relationship you have with your DP's and sister has been changed and you need to decide just how o manage this going forward.
Perhaps take a step back from contact with your DP's for a day or two as well.

It was very foolish not to tell your mother how your sister is spending the money that they think she desperately needs. You need to give them a wake up call. Time to put your brave face on and tell your mother exactly what has been happening and show her the evidence.

I feel for you. After the debacle of my parents will, and the fall out that is on going 12 YEARS later, it makes you feel like shit that you weren't as valued. My parents denied, denied, denied that there was any favoritism, the will soon proved that untrue.
I could understand it if one of us kids was in a worse position than the others but we weren't. GC was valued more, treated differently, and ultimately my parents couldn't see it.
I rarely see GC now, and am very low contact with my remaining parent. If I could get an answer from them as to why they did what they did I'd be happy. However whenever I have had to refer to anything regarding the will ,(which as I said is all sorted back to fair shares now) I'm made out to be the bad person!
I had to do something regarding my will recently and needed some paperwork, nothing to do with GC but I had constant phone calls asking if GC needed to be consulted, as my parent didn't want them to be "disadvantaged". Didn't have a problem when me and my sibling were disadvantaged in GC's favour!
I get so cross about it.

Well done for standing up to them, OP. The ball is in your court: DSis will have to speak to you at some stage about the logistics of the holiday so let her come to you. Let them do the running.

When talking to family keep to feelings. If you try to state facts then they will probably argue that black is white and up is down. But if you stick to "i feel ..." then they cannot refute it, they cannot gainsay how you feel. Or if they do, then that is added evidence that they disregard the effect that all of this has had on you for the last twenty years.

It was very foolish not to tell your mother how your sister is spending the money that they think she desperately needs. You need to give them a wake up call.

The fear though, is that if I do that it will mean my relationship with my sister may never be fixable.

Plus part of me thinks that if my parents have been stupid enough to pay for her for the last 20 years then they’ve bought this on themselves. My sister is so used to taking handouts from them that she probably doesn’t even realise this £200 is intended for essentials or day to day general spending and instead she probably sees it as hers to spend as she wishes.....which is true really.

I'd still Tell your parents so everything is out in the open - no more deceit by anyone including you.

They'll still pay her. If you say nothing it will end up eating you up inside.

Even if you say anything, it probably won't change their view. Trust me, I know!

@chumberlina28. AIBU means am I being unreasonable

It's in the list.

Rightly or wrongly, they obviously feel she needs the money and you don’t. But how do they square that with the childcare that you also need and they’ve refused?

I disagree op because if you don't tell them how she lives a quality of life they will think you are being unreasonable and that 'poor darling daughter' can't even afford food or whatever lies she's spun.

This is where both parents and her get caught out

Well done OP, you have done what I couldn’t and still can’t do. I occasionally seethe and get pissed off with the unfairness but have never actually broached it fully because any time I begin it ends up with me being the bad one.
It’s not even me and my DB, it’s the disparity between how my DPs treat my DS and my DNiece.
There’s a big back story but me and my DH have always been seen as the sensible ‘together’ ones out of our siblings and now it’s cascading down to the next generation.
My mum basically brought up my DN but any time we’ve asked for babysitting they have to get back to me when they know what DN is doing. She’s 19 now and this has been going on for 4-5 years, it’s always ‘poor Jane’. Poor Jane my arse, she had the same upbringing as me just with more disposable income, and she’s a selfish, ungrateful little brat.

Also bare in mind my DB is more than capable of having his own daughter for a night or two. We ask 6-8 weeks in advance and only ask once every 3 months or so (due to work rotas)
Financially our DS is worse off compared to what his cousin got but I don’t care about that. I’m more pissed about how little time they WANT to spend with him. Instead of facing it head on, I’ve pulled back, it makes me sad though.
Maybe I just need to lay it all out on the table............

I actually don’t think this is about money. You sound like a generous person and you don’t resent the cash. I think this is about trust. I think the fact that your parents and your sister have colluded to keep this secret is the thing that hurts most. If your parents had come to you and said: We are planning to give DS £200 a month for X reason. We want you to know we are doing this and why, I think you might feel differently. It would have been an opportunity to put your point of view. I think the fact that it has been revealed by a third party and you had no idea is really hurtful and I expect at some level your parents know that. They may have believed it would be easier for both you and DS if they kept it quiet but they are wrong. These kinds of secrets can destroy the warmest and most generous of people. Inevitably, you will wonder what other secrets she shares with them that you don’t. I expect it is the exclusion, the secrecy, the fact others outwith the nuclear family know and ultimately the betrayal of trust which really sting. You are not being unreasonable and ultimately you may have to have it out with your parents ( your sister is the passive slightly feckless recipient here) to regain your own self respect and peace of mind.

I'd tell your parents what your sister has been spending , from what you've seen on FB. They deserve to know, if they don't have access to her FB page. And then, I'd withdraw. Go NC or VLC at least. Horrible behaviour on your parents and sister part.

I found out a huge family secret ( not really but it was kept from me, aged 8. Everyone in my family knew about it, except me. It only impacted on me when I found out, I got bullied hugely as a result. It rocked my world as a result as I suddenly couldn't trust anyone in my family to tell the truth, including my beloved Mum who before this had been the only person in my world who was truthful and not abusive
. I didn't expect truth from my Dad, but this really affected my relationship with my Mum, who was the only person I really trusted.
I'd class the op situation like mine.
I'm still dealing with the fall out 60 years on.

You sound extremely strong and level headed. you are understandably feeling betrayed on both sides. You gave your parents a chance to explain themselves. I would be tempted to have a frank face to face chat with your sister too (as opposed to just texts)so she can hear how you feel. I suspect she probably never really thought of it.