My sister financially benefitting from our parents AGAIN.

[QueenofmyPrinces]

There are 13 months between me and my sister so we were very close growing up together and we are still close now, I love her and she’s one of my favourite people to be around.

Growing up we were very different, I was the typical ‘good sensible girl’ whereas she was more the type who took each day as it came and having fun was her main focus. At the time, I was envious of her character and spirit and wished I was more like her.

I did well at school, went to college, then university and have a professional job, whereas she didn’t really try at school, dropped out of two college courses and eventually ended up in a job that our neighbour found for her.

Fast forward to now: we’re in our late 30s and still very close. We both have two children although she is no longer with the father as he turned out to be a complete shit. He’s active in the children’s lives though and he provides well for them financially and helps my sister out too in ways he isn’t obliged to. I don’t particularly like the man but I can’t criticise him for the way he still provides for the children and the things he does to help my sister.

In our teenage years and through our 20’s my sister was frequently financially helped out by our parents because “she didn’t have a well paying job” and they paid out a lot for her. They paid for things to be done around her house (luxuries as opposed to necessities), paid her phone bills and store cards, paid for things for the children and paid for her driving lessons too when she was in her mid 20’s.

At the same time as they were paying for her driving lessons I was having to pay for my own lessons even though I was a student and they were charging me rent, compared to her being in full time employment and not even living in the family home anymore.

I could list lots of ways my sister has financially benefited from our parents over the last 10-15 years and although there has always been potential for resentment because of how differently we were treated I never felt it, or if I did I have no recollection of it and it didn’t impact on my relationship with my sister.

Fast forward to the last 12 months or so and my sister started going out with her friends a lot more, going out frequently for meals and drinks, going away for weekends, having new clothes etc and at the time I thought nothing of it. I was just glad to see her enjoying herself now her children are older (10 and 14) and that she was getting her life back as it were.

Recently me and DH have put ourselves out quite significantly in terms of finances in order to do something to benefit her children in order to allow them to experience something they’d never be able to if me and DH didn’t pay for it. Initially we had spoken about her paying 10% of the cost but after thinking about it I told my sister that no financial contribution was necessary as I was happy to treat my nieces and that I knew every pound counts to her and that even a small contribution would be difficult for her. She said thanks, she appreciated it and that was the end of the discussion.

Anyhow - I found out a few days ago that for the last 12 months my parents have been giving her £200 every month “just in case she needs it” and it’s actually really pissed me off. Our parents are divorced and they each give her £100.

I now feel a little put out that she so readily accepted our offer not to contribute to what we are doing for her children (which is costing us nearly £1k) when she’s getting £200 each month from our parents that she doesn’t actually need.

They (particularly my mom) also give her children money quite frequently whereas mine don’t get anything.

Inside I feel like the “special treatment” of her is still going on after all these years and I think that throughout her life it’s paid off that she didn’t get a good job because my parents have paid out so much for her and still do. I’m also in disbelief that at our age she is still taking money from our parents because as adults shouldn’t we be taking responsibility for ourselves?

I haven’t told my sister that I know about our parents giving her money each month and my parents don’t know that I know either. I won’t say anything to either of them though because it won’t serve any purpose. I only found out due my mom’s brother accidentally letting it slip when he asked me how I was spending my £200 each month as he had assumed my parents were doing it for both of us.

Im just venting. I know it’s my parents choice how they spend their money but after watching them pay out for so much for her over the last two decades this has been a bit of a blow to know they’re still doing it.

I was talking to DH about it and in my frustration I said that I wished I’d made her life choices instead of my own as maybe then my parents would have paid my way in life too and funded my lifestyle choices. I didn’t mean it, I just said it in frustration. I don’t want money from my parents, I wouldn’t accept it if they offered, but I feel a bit hurt that again my sister is getting money from them for no real reason whereas their generosity wasn’t even offered to me.

AIBU to feel a bit pissed off? Has anyone else been in a similar position and found ways to deal with it?

I could have written this, although my parents have been very generous to me for certain things (house deposit, help with big things in life) but I've always had to contribute/had what I've saved matched and growing up get certain grades etc, always paid money back if borrowed, never something for nothing. Similarly to you parents have always been very strict with me, expecting a lot morally and from education/career, but expected nothing from sibling, every wrong doing and ill treatment has an excuse. For context we are in our 30's. My sibling has done nothing, ever. Uni drop out, no job, single parent to 3 kids. Parents pay siblings rent, all bills incl phone bill, and give £500 allowance each month. Sibling also claims full benefits and gets the proper amount of money from the children's father, so is basically very well off. Occasionally gets a job but packs it in after a few weeks for spurious reasons that are never their fault. Sibling isn't even grateful, barely acknowledges or contacts parents who are very upset. I just separate my love for my nieces/nephew from the way I think of my sibling and how much I hate the way they treat parents. Also, I'd rather have my life. Good education and career, beautiful happy home, DH and DC all together, worked hard for what we have and very lucky. My advice would be to take nieces with you and enjoy your time with them but don't assist sister financially in any way ever again. She can certainly afford to pay Ultimately you have faired the best from the upbringing as have I.

I think parents are always trying to equalise . I see it time and time again (including with my own siblings) that parents home in on the "poor Fred" as pp termed it (or indeed "poor Freda") and try to bolster them at every opportunity, whether that be with money or praise.

I thought it may be a thing of the past as we are all so aware of "parenting" these days, but I am seeing it with bil and sil, who prostrate themselves to pander to their dd with various issues (not the least being spoilt bratism).

Again and again it's not because the parents prefer one child, it's because they deem them the most needy.

Let's face it, this is an old story - The Prodigal Son. It always struck me as soooo unfair that the errant son who'd spent all his inheritance came waltzing back in and the dutiful son was expected to rejoice . 2000+ years later and it's still going on.

My sister has sent me a text this morning to say she’s upset that I’m feeling hurt about the money she’s been given every month. She said she thought I’d understand that not everyone can have a good job (I’m only a nurse so nothing overly impressive or lucrative) and that our parents just want her to be able to afford some nice things in life and be able to enjoy life like other people can.

I haven’t replied because I’m not sure there’s anything to say.

OP, nurses are awesome.

however, I get that the pay is not, so her comment is surprising in that way.

I'm not sure I'd reply to that either. I'd probably just keep my head down for a while tbh. I think your parents and sister might reach some realisations on their own, if they are left to it - no guarantee of course.

really shocked by some of the other stories on here.

I would imagine some of these helpless types see carrying on as helpless as being quite lucrative, and useful in terms of getting out of ever being asked for help.

She doesn't need to better herself and get a good job to pay for nice things because she gets £200 extra every month so she doesn't have to.

*OP, nurses are awesome - however, I get that the pay is not, so her comment is surprising in that way.”

I probably phased it badly as I was only referring to the pay as not being overly impressive, not the job itself

I’ve reduced my hours since going back after having my second child though so she probably thinks if I can afford that that I don’t need any money.

I just want her to understand that I know I don’t need any money, I wouldn’t take any even if it were offered to me, but that it’s the twenty years of inequality that have annoyed me. My guess is she views our teenage years and 20s (and now our 30s) very differently to me and probably doesn’t realise how differently we’ve been treated all these years.

I don’t get why you’re paying for her kids to do anything-detach a bit,

Exactly - between that and her Ex’s money she’s getting another £600 on top of her wage - throw in the cost of any benefits she may receive (I assume she gets something as a single parent?) and the fact she has minimal childcare fees I imagine she’s got a nice amount to see her through month to month.

I am glad she’s not struggling for money, I would never want to see her or the children in a bad situation, but it’s just the long term inequality and entitlement that gets to me. I don’t think she realises how lucky she has been over the last two decades to have our parents bailing her out over and over and over again and financially supporting/supplementing her life. My guess is that she thinks her set-up is normal.

Because “her kids” are my nieces who I love very much. I just want to do something nice for them both and don’t see what’s so wrong with that really.

Sorry OP i know they shouldn’t but I thought your parents and your sister would be able to rationalise it in their heads as somehow being fair and twist it so that somehow you are in the wrong for raising it and seeing it as unfair.
My mum found my younger sis a job paid for new work clothes. I had Coops own clothing as a teenager (which is why I had 2 part time jobs) whilst doing O levels whilst sister wore Benetton and expensive branded trainers. They paid for sisters driving lessons. When she had DC they basically raised them as well as forever giving her and her DC financial hand outs. Now sis is with a good for nothing who has got them into serious debt and parents can’t afford to step in.
Like others have said I think my mum likes me better as a person but not that I can stand on my own two feet. They know exactly how selfish, feckless and what a user my sis is but it doesn’t stop them from helping her and my niece out as much as they can as I think they like to feel needed so are happy to babify her and she is a taker.
Take care op.

I would reply that while you can accept that you have not been treated fairly with her in many ways, you are upset that this is now also happening to your children compared to hers.

As you say, nurses work hard for their living and are definitely not loaded so they need to revise their assessment of your life.

I haven’t replied because I’m not sure there’s anything to say.
You didn't say much to your mum, either.
Now you've opened this can of worms I think you need to explain yourself properly. You keep saying that there's 20 years' of resentment yet, when push comes to shove, you can't articulate the problem to the people involved.

Like I said before, there is a dynamic at play here that has been going on since you were both tiny. You fell into this dynamic as well, and offered your sister the holiday for her kids. You did that 'automatically' because you responded to an internal feeling that you wanted to help and protect your sister - a tugging sensation inside that she 'needed' your help. You are noticing the feeling of emotional manipulation that happened without either party knowing why.
It's the pattern of responding rather than the money that is important for you to look at. It's about noticing how your emotions respond and then PAUSE to work out how to best respond in a way that's fair to both of you. It will take time and patience on your part.
In some ways your sister can't be blamed for the extra attention and money that your parents have been giving her all her life.
Your parents experience her as 'needy' and there is a level of insecurity there that keeps your sister chained to your parents. We can see this because this via this regular financial 'rope' has been created in the real world between them.
Your parents did not experience you as 'needy' so did not attend to your needs as much. Therefore, you enjoyed more independence than here. Your sister is still 'the child' in the relationship with your parents. Whereas your parents see you as the adult that you are.
Yes it's a pain in the arse for you. However, relationships could be damaged here as your parents and sister feel they have done nothing wrong.
Your sister and your parents can't see the dynamic. They experience it as 'harmony' because if the current dynamic is upheld then everyone's happy. They are soothing their needy child with money.
If you challenge something they are not consciously aware of, it comes across as an attack on their values of being 'a good person'.

your sister is being disingenuous - it's obvious why you're annoyed, she's £1000 of help from you whilst also drawing help from your parents that you were unaware of. I don't know what more it is sensible to say to your sister but I agree I think you could've said more to your parents - what you need to say is that it's hard not to feel hurt even though you know that can't be their intention towards you - mention the childcare, as well as the money. At the bottom of this you aren't feeling valued by them.

I'm not surprised at the responses - people always react with confusion or denials when you accuse them of wrongdoing, that's why confrontations are generally so pointless.

I wouldn't mention fairness, because obviously your parents think they've given to each of their children according to their need, but there are clearly times when you would've really liked and had your life made better by being helped and it didn't happen (cite the examples you've cited).

I didn’t know what to say to my mum to be honest. I think when I questioned her about it I expected her to acknowledge that yes, my sister had been treated differently all these years and offer an explanation or be willing to discuss it etc but instead I got shot down as though I was being unreasonable and it threw me off kilter. I didn’t have it in to me to argue with her because it was clear that in her view she was doing nothing wrong and it was me who was in the wrong to have bought it up.

I’ve always classed myself as having a really good relationship with my mom, which I do, but there can be no reasoning with her as once she has an idea or line of thought fixed in her head it cannot be changed.

My dad is easier to talk to but I feel like there’s no point discussing it with him either because it won’t change anything, my sister will still get her money and I will just be painted as the bitter and jealous sister.

I really wish I had never found out about this. Things were a lot easier when I was in blissful ignorance.

I disagree with the parents thinking they’re being fair. The op asked her parents for some help with childcare (nowhere near as much as her sister receives) and her dad said no.

And now we have a situation where the next generation are also drawn into this mess. The ops children must soon (or already) feel less important/less loved than the sisters children as the op says the nieces get more presents (and I assume more grandparent time if there is childcare involved) Imagine how that feels for a child?

They’re all going to close ranks now too. It’s been a perfectly good system that has worked for 30 odd years. They are going to make the op feel like the troublemaker for having an issue with it.

Op - I would also echo what other posters are saying about this holiday. You are enabling your sister and this situation. You have worked over time (so your family life has suffered, your children have seen you less) to provide for your sisters children.

Your children are not even close. You’re not doing this for their benefit.

You are literally taking the hard earned money that could be spent on your family and using it to fix your sisters holiday. I know you will say they are your nieces and not your sister and you love them. A family holiday is traditionally the parents responsibility. Your sister has money. She’s been going out on the piss (but you weren’t invited).

She just expects people to sort stuff for her. And you are doing the same thing. You really need to wake up to that and how you fit into this.

Oh OP, you need to take a stand here. You say your DC / DH haven't lost out because of your nieces going on this holiday but they have ... you worked lots of overtime in order to fund for this trip for your nieces. That is overtime you could have spent at home with your own family or used that overtime money to put aside for your DC when they are older.

You need to stop enabling her. I know the holiday is paid for now but you can probably still cancel it. I would tell your sister that you offered the holiday when you thought she had no money. Now you have found out she is getting money from your parents so she can use that to pay for the holiday or else you won't be taking nieces. If she refuses, well just cancel. You need to take a stand here as otherwise you'll just continue to be taken advantage of. Quite frankly, I just would go low contact with all of them.

I almost had to double check it wasn't my op!

I'm now Nc with my sister for a large number of reasons. But my parents have also always bailed her out! She's now a single mum in her 40's still dependant on them not just financially but practically too (mum does a LOT of childcare, organising household repairs and letting the workmen in, grocery shopping...)

Mum is genuinely worried how she'll cope when they're gone (they're early 70's now) partly cos she knows my bro & I not only won't but can't bail her out.

I keep saying to mum she needn't worry as she'll get some other mug to figure it out.

They enabled her too much for far too long.

It's caused arguments with her & my parents too over the years due to her "borrowing" money that never gets paid back. I reckon over the amount of time it's easily over £100k she's had, they could've bought her 2 houses round here for that! Where most of it has gone on just normal bills but she always has to have "the best" for her & her kids.

Champagne tastes on a beer budget basically. Unrealistic lifestyle for her income.

In your position I don't see the point of raising the issue BUT I also wouldn't be colluding with enabling her. You need your money for your family.

If the children involved already know about the £1000 gift thing then I wouldn't withdraw it, but if only sis knows I would and I'd tell her why 'because if you're getting £200 a month from our parents you don't need my help".

She's taking piss & she knows it.

"When other people stop supporting her she will be in serious trouble financially and will have to pay dearly the consequences of years of reliance on others (unless she then sponges off her own dc)." She won't though she'll find some other mug to do it, a wealthy man or as you say her grown DC - I've seen that happen.

"yet it feels like I’m the one being punished for the way my life turned out." You could say that to her. Say you feel hurt at the inequality of treatment and that your achievements aren't recognised, that your sister made choices that have affected the situation she's currently in.

"and that our parents just want her to be able to afford some nice things in life and be able to enjoy life like other people can." I'd be tempted to say something like "but as an adult if you want those things and have any self respect you sort that yourself or you do without. You don't rely on your parents at your age and you don't accept a generous gift for your kids when you could afford to pay for that yourself!"

arghhh - I appreciate that but I had no idea my sister was receiving this money when I offered to take my nieces on holiday. If I had have known I would still have asked to take them with us but I wouldn’t have offered to pay for it all.

I don’t regret asking to take my nieces away, they and we are really looking forward to it, but I am upset about the way my sister has allowed me and DH to fund it under the impression that she has no money to take them abroad herself, whilst all the time receiving £200 a month from our parents. I feel like I’ve been totally deceived and that’s what hurts.

I didn’t have it in to me to argue with her because it was clear that in her view she was doing nothing wrong and it was me who was in the wrong to have bought it up.
FOG. I thought that you were going to look it up.

OP you say you’re the ‘golden child’ I don’t see how you are treated as such.

Your sister and her dc get preferential treatment in terms of financial and physical support from your parents.

What makes you think you’re treated as the golden child?

Your parents use your accomplishments brag about you to further their own status. They cover for and support your sister.

I’d stop thinking that you’re being treated as someone better because you really aren’t.

And I add my voice to everyone else. Do not spend a grand on taking your nieces on holiday your sister can more than afford it herself, she’s getting roughly £700 extra each month £200 from your parents, £400 child support and about £100 in child benefit plus her salary and tax credits. She can more than afford to take her children away if she so chooses.

She doesn’t.

Why are you removing resources from your own children and family to your sister?

I wouldn’t bother too much with trying to make your parents see what they’re doing as they know exactly how they’re treating your sister better than you.

Take a step back, stop spending from your limited resources on your sister who can very well support herself.

Not taking your sisters children on holiday hardly makes you a bad person. You can’t actually afford it without putting yourself and your family life out. Then when you’re out there you’ll be spending more on your sisters dc as they’re older and will have different needs and wants from your own dc.

I wouldn’t do it. I’d just say, I don’t have the finances altho I’ve tried working overtime and would love to have them. But can’t.

When I say I was the “golden child” I meant I was the one my parents always bragged about because of how well I did at school, college and Uni etc. I was always praised/treated as the good daughter who had achieved so much whereas my sister was always pushed aside in the sense.

I certainly wasn’t treated favourably (especially in terms of finance) but I was certainly spoken of more favourably.

Through my sister’s eyes she probably thought I was the preferred Golden Child who could do no wrong and she was the disappointment.

The holiday has already been paid for, it was paid for months ago which my sister knows. I won’t be cancelling it and I won’t be punishing my nieces either by suddenly turning around and refusing to take them because it’s not their fault that all this deception has been going on.

Op - you need to think about how your own children are going to view this. They will pick up on their lesser worth in the family. I don’t know how old they are but mine were aware from a young age.

I sense you just want to stick your head in the sand and hope it all goes away. It won’t. And while you (sort of) found a way to cope with this your entire life it’s crazy to continue knowing you’re putting your children in the same position.

Did fog make any sense to you?