To feel like I'm back in school.

[inatwist]

Literally feel like I’m back in school and it’s horrible.
My LO has just started reception and 6 of us parents ended up gravitating towards each other. Our kids played together and we formed a fb chat where we’d just check up re non school uniform days etc. We speak a few times a week on there and most days on the school run.
Found out today that the 5 of them all went out last night for dinner and drinks but didn’t invite me.
There’s photos of them plastered all over fb.
There’s no background, none of us knew each other before and only met through our children.
Been to a school fair today and we all sat together and no one mentioned a thing. Well actually, one said they were hung over as had been out with friends the night before.
Why are women so bloody horrible.
I just want to keep myself to myself from now on.
I branch out and try and make friends with other mums for my daughters sake and then just get treated like shit.
All of these women have been invited to my child’s birthday party and a girls night round mine in the past 12 weeks, which they happily came to and ate my food and drank my drink. But when the shoe is on the other foot...
Found out it was the one mum that organised it, but if I knew that one person was specifically left out then I would definitely say something.
Just feel hurt.

Maybe I need to toughen up a bit.
Just feel like they’ve just been lying to me and pretending to be my friend.
Just going to steer clear of all of them on the school run now.

Been there, it’s not nice is it. I have no advice, other than to say this doesn’t make them sound very nice, and better you know now

That's horrible behaviour. You're the better person. Distance yourself and make new friends.

You’re taking things a bit seriously. No need to avoid them, just chat and be friendly. Maybe they’ll be worth the effort, maybe not!

We have events but when people are newly acquainted it’s not always clear who to invite or not. If you genuinely get on with them, organise a night out in the new year and invite them!

Cock up over conspiracy.

You don’t know for sure but life is much easier if you believe that.

4 of them may not have known you weren’t invited until they turned up and you weren’t there. The inviting mum may have thought she txted you and actually forgot / sent it to the wrong number.

Didnt want to read and run. This is horrible, im sorry this has happened. Distance yourself and chalk it up to experience i guess... there is no worse feeling though

It’s just shit.
Now I’m doubting myself and what I’ve said or done.
But all 5 of them were there today, so false, said they’d been out with “friends” but stupid me didn’t think it was with each other.
The funny thing is that I probably would have declined the invite anyway. I’m not a big drinker and my kids are horrific sleepers so I’m in bed by 8pm usually (not that they know this)
I probably shouldn’t be so upset but it’s always me that this happens to.
I’m polite, friendly, kind, I’ve helped them all out with school drop offs/pick ups, lent them £1 when they’ve forgotten it for non uniform day, etc etc. I’m good enough to use for that stuff but not to get invited for a meal out.

Just ask them about it??

I think it had been in the pipeline for a while as they are commenting on fb photos “so glad we decided on this restaurant when organising a night out. Food was fab” etc.
To me this seems like they knew exactly what they were doing.
Literally don’t care. Well I do, obv. But yeah.

Yes its horrible. The only thing I would say is - I'd judge the organiser but I would be wary of judging all 5 of them. People are busy - someone puts me on a group chat for drinks with regular mums I would assume they are all invited. There is a chance some of them showed up and were surprised you weren't there - but it was too late to do anything.
My advice to you is not to distance them - think of them like work colleagues. Be polite and friendly like you would with a work colleague - its worth it because it helps your daughter. BUT make friends outside of the school. School relationships are like minefields - also make friends for your daughter outside of school - it will help her moderate her emotions as if she has issues in school with friends (all kids do) she will not feel like it is the end of her world and it won't affect her confidence as she has a world outside of school.

I’ll look like an absolute loser if I ask them why I wasn’t invited.
And if I had arranged a meal out and forgotten to invite someone then I would 100% text them the next day and apologise and say it was a complete oversight as I would be worried about upsetting them.

That's horrible. Did you not call them out on it today by saying - where were you, I wouldn't have minded a night out?.
Is there any reason they would not have asked you- are you flakey, have they asked before and you've often said no? If no to these questions then personally I wouldn't lower myself to hang around them any more.

Thanks to MN I never intended to make friends with school mum's, just acquaintances while doing pick up/drop off.

As it turned out I did make some friends but I still see them only as school friends, I'm not disappointed to miss out on anything.

Definitely going to judge the organiser.
Truth be told I’ve found her very “spiky” and competitive asking what book level my DD is on and asking to see her writing for homework.
She’s one of those people that looks pissed off when anyone is doing better than her child.
My child definitely has her weaknesses but academically she’s pretty good.
I think she’s done it to make a point and try to push me out.
It’s just ridiculous.
She was doing this a bit at the start of term. Inviting the other kids and parents for after school park visits but not inviting me. The other parents would always invite me though and she’d look pissed off.
I thought she’d been better with me the past 6 weeks or so but perhaps it was a front.

Nope not been flaky. Been to every event I’ve been invited to.
Mainly kids play dates at soft play etc or coffee after morning drop off.

I know how you feel and I would be gutted.

Just got a text from organiser mum asking if my child wants a play date at her house next Wednesday.
So on the plus side as least she doesn’t hate my child.
And also I think it reflects badly on her, purposely excluding someone from a night out.
It just makes her look like a bitch. And who wants to be friends with a bitch right?

Op- they were mean and I’d be upset too. Broaden your social circle and move on. I never fitted in with the school gate crowd but thankfully had other friends.

I worry if I distance myself from them then organiser mum will have got rid of me like she’s wanted to do.
The other 4 ladies are actually pretty nice. I think if they had organised it then they wouldn’t have excluded me.
In fact they’ve never excluded me on a meet up before. Just bitch lady by the look of it.

Also I don’t really want to send my child there for a play date. Especially with a bully as a mum. Think I probably should tho for my child’s sake. I’m hoping she doesn’t upset my child like she does me.
She’s probably only invited her so she can look through her school books in her book bag.
Now I sound like a bitch!

Are u going to let your child go on the play date?

I think it's really important to grasp that school is for the kids, not the adults. Keep the kid part, ditch the adult. My life improved measurably when I stopped joining in all the school gate stuff.

We also had all sorts of shenanigans like you describe, I had the added bonus that my DD went to nursery with the ringleader's DD so she'd decided years before school started that she hated me for no apparent reason.

These days I drop off, I pick up, I exchange small talk, I go home and I put my energy into the relationships I know are worth it. My DD still has play dates with her friends (at theirs and at ours), I do the odd favour for mums of her best friends, they do the odd favour for me, but the important bit is that i don't let it infringe on my wellbeing.

I see it very much like work - I'm there to do my job and get paid, not to make friends. If I do make a genuine friend, it's a complete bonus. Working at the same place is not enough to base a real friendship on. Same at the school - I go there because I have to take my DD there.

I do have school mum friends, but I've known them for years now since our kids were tiny.

I'm actually very good at making friends as well, but I can't be doing with all that high school style nonsense!

If I was you, I would take your child to thw playdate and during the drop-off chat, ask her easy-breezy how the food was on their night out, you've been wanting to try that place yourself with DH, looks like they had fun! Let her feel uncomfortable and be as nice as pie so she doesn't have anything to say to the others about you. Don't even give a glimmer that you would have ever expected to have been invited. You've been lovely so your not being invited is no reflection on you whatsoever.

I don’t know re sending her on the play date.
Gut instinct is to say no, but I know DD would love to go.
Going to treat it as work, that’s a great idea. Go, do my job, come home. And next week I’ve decided to make small talk with different mums, rather than the same 5.

Text back and say 'Have you got the right number? Just as you didn't invite me to last night, I thought I was out of favour but don't know why'. I would not be able to help myself!