To feel like I'm back in school.

[inatwist]

Literally feel like I’m back in school and it’s horrible.
My LO has just started reception and 6 of us parents ended up gravitating towards each other. Our kids played together and we formed a fb chat where we’d just check up re non school uniform days etc. We speak a few times a week on there and most days on the school run.
Found out today that the 5 of them all went out last night for dinner and drinks but didn’t invite me.
There’s photos of them plastered all over fb.
There’s no background, none of us knew each other before and only met through our children.
Been to a school fair today and we all sat together and no one mentioned a thing. Well actually, one said they were hung over as had been out with friends the night before.
Why are women so bloody horrible.
I just want to keep myself to myself from now on.
I branch out and try and make friends with other mums for my daughters sake and then just get treated like shit.
All of these women have been invited to my child’s birthday party and a girls night round mine in the past 12 weeks, which they happily came to and ate my food and drank my drink. But when the shoe is on the other foot...
Found out it was the one mum that organised it, but if I knew that one person was specifically left out then I would definitely say something.
Just feel hurt.

Just typed a whole reply on the completely wrong thread!

But the gist of it was, that I’m too old to be playing these games.
I’d rather just be civil but make no effort to be friends.
It’s ridiculous that 30+ year old women act like this.
It reflects worse on her than it does me!
I’m not confrontational so not going to say anything, but I know who my friends are now.

On play date day can you go to school at home time to take some clothes for your DD to change into and pick up the schoolbag to take home with you and then organiser mum can't have a nosy in it

I could do that, but school is a mission to get to. We live rurally so a 15 minute drive.
She can look in dd’s book bag all she likes to be fair. All she’ll see is her amazing handwriting and that she’s on a higher level reading book than her dd. That sounds so bitchy, but that’s what she’ll be looking for.

Let your dd go on the play date but take her bag off her first at the school gate.

Don't let this one woman ruin your friendships with the rest of the group. The best advice I can give you is despite feeling hurt and angry about it DONT mention anything to any of them. Be happy, be friendly with everyone but never put yourself out for anyone.

There's always a queen bee in every group, the rest always follow the queen because they don't want ousted.

Adjust your FB setting so you no longer see their status updates. Remain friends but you'll be oblivious to their nonsense.

Comment on the FB page ...'looks like a fab night out'.

Do not ask her about it! I wouldn't want my dc to be at her house, she sounds appalling. She's obviously not realised that she's not at school anymore and doesn't need to be the boss of her group and bully lesser mortals.
Avoid them. The only thing you have in common is your dcs are the same age.

Been there. Sorry OP, it's horrible
I agree that I don't understand why grown women play stupid games like this. So stupid and immature!

Loads of fab advice here I've been doing school run continuosly for the past 16 years and still another 7 to go I have been sucked in and treated the same way I don't let any of my kids do playdates any more and never have kids here
I accept party invites but just keep myself to myself drop and run and don't engage is best advice ever I maybe too extreme though

Well funnily enough I’ve “liked” the photos on fb. So they know I’ve seen them.
Nothings been said though.
I’m going to let her take her book bag to school for the play date but forget to put her reading book and writing book in in the morning. So it will be empty at home time bar whatever pictures she’s done.
Her dd isn’t even particularly friendly with my dd. My dd even moans about how she controls what they play, but she’ll still be desperate to go on a play date and still plays with her sometimes, as 4 year olds are strange like that!

Won’t she need her books at school?

So what if Nosey Nellie looks at them?

I’d ask one of the nicer ones why you were left out.

What I was going to suggest: don't send the book bag to school that day, or go to school at the end of the day and collect your child's things and take them home with you. You can always tell her you forgot she was picking your DD up ...

Yes I think civil and friendly when you see them, even if through gritted teeth! Keep conversation light, be terribly busy so you can't stick around to chat much anyway.

If you usually post on the FB group a few times a week then I'd reduce it gradually rather than stop all at once. I say this because you've said you don't want to raise it with them. Stopping now will tell them you're upset and I wouldn't take the chance on anyone "innocently" asking why you've stopped.

I'd try to get chatting to other parents but perhaps be a bit slower to get into Facebook groups and nights out? Your dd is only in school a few months so maybe the friendship group/clique formed a bit too quickly in hindsight.

As pp said, basically treat it like a job with the aim being to steer your dd through school but not immersing yourself in fake friendships. You're not wrong to feel as you do but it reflects on them not you. And it might be interesting to observe from the sidelines who's next to be ousted from the group . These little mum cliques almost always implode!

They only do their reading books on a Friday and the writing books get marked on a Monday. So a Wednesday shouldn’t matter if books are left at home.
I am half thinking that if she’s that desperate to look through them then fine.
She’s asked 3 times now what learning group dd is in. I genuinely have no idea and yet she’s obsessed with the answer! She even asked me to ask the teacher at parents evening!!!

I would not send your daughter to this woman's house, and this is why

She is the sort of woman who never grew out of a bitchy, school-ish, competitive mindset, and 10 to 1 when your daughter gets to her house, the girls will be "encouraged" to play "schools" and will be presented with an array of graded reading books.

She doesn't want your daughter to play with her daughter, she wants to know why your daughter has more difficult reading books than her daughter and she is LASER FOCUSED on finding out.

I've met women like this before.

You could write (in pencil!) a message in the reading record. Something like, “busted!”

If the lack of invitation is indeed down to this particular woman, I’m wondering if the play date is her way of testing the water. After all, she presumably now knows you’ve seen the pics on FB. From what you’ve said, she sounds horribly controlling and best to stay well clear. At least you’ve found out early on your school career!

I think you are doing the right thing by deciding to talk to some other people in the playground. I made some very good friends when DC were at school but with two notable exceptions most of them did not have children in my DCs years. This meant that the competitive ‘thrown together’ element was eliminated and I just made friends based on chemistry and mutual cultural interests (Big Brother and Pinot Grigio being the main ones).

Are you closer to one of the other "nicer" women ? Could you reach out to them in confidence to ask why you were excluded ? I've had the same happen to me and it's not a pleasant experience.

Just ask organiser mum in person when you next see her. You won't look like a loser at all, in fact I think it will make you look quite the opposite. I'd love to hear what her answer would be! Don't act bothered or say it upset you obviously, just ask how come you weren't invited. listen to the response and watch her squirm, shrug and move on. Thats what id do anyway.

Please put a post-it note with a message in the reading book. You'll know for sure if she's doing it or not if it's "silly bint" or worse (!!!) on it...just don't forget to remove it...

She sounds like a dick. It’s so horrible when things like this happen. I’ve been in a similar situation, and have grown a much thicker skin as a result. They are not worth it.

I would have been very hurt as well. Like you I would not have wanted the confrontation of actually asking why I wasn't invited.
Dc are past primary school age now but I never hung around with the little cliques at pick up time. Didn't take part in school yard gossip and never contributed to any.

Just been speaking to my husband and he’s reminded me that this woman’s been a bit odd and has started copying stuff that I do too.
She’s asked what I’ve got my dd for Xmas and bought her dd identical (quite an usual musical gift) She’s asked where her clothes are from (small Etsy boutique type store) and has bought her dd identical.
She said she’s watched YouTube tutorials so she can do identical hairstyles to my dd’s. Wants to know every last detail about my dd’s levels at school, yet dislikes me enough to not invite me on a night out.
People are very very odd.

Hmm on that note, don't send your child to her house!!

She is completely obsessed with you and your child!

If you were there on the night out she thinks you'll over shadow her. Her massive insecurities are her issue, not yours but be aware of the bonkers lengths people like her can go to.

Did you see any of the Softzilla threads?

Sorry you feel unhappy.

This happened to me so I know how upsetting it is until I realised that I don't really like those sort of people. I realised that I was getting upset about not being included in a group of people who are not really my cup of tea.

Now I am not bothered in the least.

I have made other good friends who I actually like and who I want to spend time with and who want to spend time with me.

There will always be people like that but don't waste your time and energy on them.