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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In laws behaviour

64 replies

dietcoke2020 · 25/11/2018 19:12

I feel it may just be me being possessive over my 3 month old baby as a first time mum but I am finding my mother in law very difficult to be around. She is always wanting to be alone with my baby so makes suggestions that I go out. She is also obsessed with wanting to feed my baby - my husband and I are the only ones who have fed her so far and aren't comfortable with anyone else doing it but she just gets sulky and moans she wants to do it. When my baby cries and I comfort her, mil gets in babies face and shushes her but that doesn't help! I know my baby is lucky to have a granny who loves her but I am finding it overwhelming and annoying. What do I do?

OP posts:
BellsAreRinging1 · 25/11/2018 19:15

Why can't your MIL feed your baby? I'd say you are BU with that but you definitely don't need to go out and leave MIL alone with baby if you aren't ready.

OakElmAsh · 25/11/2018 19:18

Pick your battles... don't want to leave her in her own with MIL, you're just not ready that's fine... not letting anyone apart from you or DH feed her in 3 months (presumably formula or EBM?), sounds OTT

NicePieceOfPlaid · 25/11/2018 19:19

I cant believe the baby is 3 months old and you haven't let his/her grandmother give him/her a bottle. Very controlling of you.

You seem overly possessive.

Beansandcoffee · 25/11/2018 19:20

Sounds like she is offering to help you. It is her grandchild too. I would let her help a little as in the future you might want to go out for a few hours with your H and it is so useful to have family babysitters and not have to pay.

MinecraftMother · 25/11/2018 19:21

Let her feed the baby.

You're going to look back and think you were a bit of a prick about that. Trust me.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 25/11/2018 19:22

Sorry OP you’re being utterly precious, let the grandmother feed the baby!

Singlenotsingle · 25/11/2018 19:23

There will come a time when you'll be glad of a helping hand. That's if there's anyone left to offer! Lighten up ffs!

Original poster
dietcoke2020 · 25/11/2018 19:23

My baby was in special care for 3 weeks so maybe that contributes to my behaviour. I am only doing what I feel is best for my baby but maybe I need to relax more and share

OP posts:
blackcat86 · 25/11/2018 19:26

I think that her behaviour is making you over possessive. Do you have a good relationship with your DM? DD is 14 weeks and I have left her with my parents a couple of times which has gone well. She can be tricky to feed (special care baby) but they practiced with me there and all was fine. It was good for both of us and she was thoroughly spoilt. My MIL on the other hand can try to be overbearing and sulks. DD is going through a clingy phase and cried when MIL held her. She gave her back to me and spent the rest of the evening going on about how she must be 'evil grandma' and DD 'only wants mummy' (said in a whiney, sarcastic voice) so DD hasn't spent time alone with her. I think your MILs efforts are counterproductive but that doesn't mean you can't involve her whilst you supervise, and it also shouldn't stop you gaining support from others that you trust. Are you planning to return to work? If so when? I'm hoping to do 10months so short periods away, having others do feeds/changes in a good start.

Changenameday · 25/11/2018 19:26

She’s your baby. Only you and your husband can decide, if you want to take your MIL up on her offer to get some time to yourself then do. If you want her to feed then let her but equally if you don’t want her to do those things yet then that’s your prerogative! FTM of a 9 week old so can relate!! xxx

Flipflop789 · 25/11/2018 19:27

Just put your foot down and do whats best for you. Your baby = your rules. If you dont want her to feed it/take it out thats completely up to you. Dont let other people make this special time miserable for you, they grow up far too quick

timeisnotaline · 25/11/2018 19:27

I don’t expect to have any grandchildren on their own at that age unless the mother wants it. If they don’t its not necessary. I don’t really understand this wanting to get the mother out of the way to really enjoy your gc.

gobbin · 25/11/2018 19:30

I am only doing what I feel is best for my baby but maybe I need to relax more and share

Yes. Yes you do. It’s handy to have a baby that will go to anyone because there are bound to be moments when you will appreciate this.

SkippedALightFandango · 25/11/2018 19:31

It’s a baby not a doll. Babies are not toys to be passed around for anyone to “have a go with”. Not even grannies. Why is she so obsessed with feeding the baby?

sewinginmyfreetime · 25/11/2018 19:45

Slightly agog at some of the replies you have had op. I am totally with you, your baby is tiny, and needs to be building a secure attachment with you (and to some extent your partner, but mostly you at this age). Plenty of time for granny to get involved later on, but you will never get this early bonding stage back, please trust your instincts, they are right.

StarsHollow123 · 25/11/2018 19:47

I think you've had some harsh responses so far OP.

Its absolutely fine if you'd rather just you and df feed you baby. Equally entirely understandable if you don't want to leave DC alone with her.

I think it's even more important that you don't give in just because your MIL is pressuring you. There are ground rules when you're a GP, they are whatever the parents say. She just needs to learn that.

Do whatever you feel is right OP and trust your instincts

StarsHollow123 · 25/11/2018 19:48

Totally agree with @sewinginmyfreetime

spreadmarmznotmisery · 25/11/2018 19:49

She does not need to feed the baby. If the baby was breastfed the mother in law wouldn't be able to.

Cherries101 · 25/11/2018 19:50

Don’t feed your baby in front of guests. Take him into a private room and do it there. If that means bringing premade formula then do it.

MulticolourMophead · 25/11/2018 19:53

I'm sure I saw a link on MN somewhere that feeding a Formula fed baby should be restricted to the primary carer for the first few months. Mine were BF so I never had this particular issue raise it's head.

greendale17 · 25/11/2018 19:56

YANBU

**I don’t expect to have any grandchildren on their own at that age unless the mother wants it. If they don’t its not necessary. I don’t really understand this wanting to get the mother out of the way to really enjoy your

^This

Notlostjustexploring · 25/11/2018 19:57

I have the world's most lovely, helpful, non-pushy, supportive in-laws, and I still felt like this. I personally think you're allowed to be possessive of your small baby, it's fairly natural. And yes, it's the child's grandparents, but you don't necessarily know them that we'll yourself, so instinctively it will be hard to hand over your precious child. For me, logically I knew I was being ridiculous as they would rather have walked over hot coals than let any harm come to their precious grandchild, but I couldn't help how I felt.

I found the possessiveness to pass almost overnight when he was around 6-7 months old, so you might find you start to relax when your baby is a wee bit bigger.

For now? You could just be honest and say that you really don't like your little one being out of your sight, that it's purely instinctive, and you expect to mellow over time, and if they could give you that time? And regarding feeding, is there not guidance or best practice that says bottles should only be given by primary caregivers? (I may be talking rubbish, but it rings a bell)

Onceuponatime21 · 25/11/2018 19:57

this is your hormones kicking in and making you super protective of your baby. Which is fine. So you can chose to accept that you are going to be over protective for a while, or you can can come up with some compromises to keep everyone happy. Doesn't have to be feeding. Whatever you're comfortable with, recognising that MIL could be an amazing support in the future ( or a giant PITA depending on your relationship, and stuff like this could affect your relationship ).

quiltedcameltoe · 25/11/2018 19:57

Some surprisingly harsh comments so far OP. You need to do whatever is right for you and not feel forced into things. A loosening of the apron strings when you are ready is fine but if you feel pushed into it you'll end up hugely resenting your MIL. It won't hurt your baby to be fed by your MIL but it may hurt your relationship with her if you're backed into a corner.
And nobody other that you or the father need to feed your baby until you are ready for that to happen.

madeyemoodysmum · 25/11/2018 20:03

Personally I'd give her a little bit more to do but time alone. Not till your ready.

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