In laws behaviour

[dietcoke2020]

I feel it may just be me being possessive over my 3 month old baby as a first time mum but I am finding my mother in law very difficult to be around. She is always wanting to be alone with my baby so makes suggestions that I go out. She is also obsessed with wanting to feed my baby - my husband and I are the only ones who have fed her so far and aren't comfortable with anyone else doing it but she just gets sulky and moans she wants to do it. When my baby cries and I comfort her, mil gets in babies face and shushes her but that doesn't help! I know my baby is lucky to have a granny who loves her but I am finding it overwhelming and annoying. What do I do?

For now? You could just be honest and say that you really don't like your little one being out of your sight, that it's purely instinctive, and you expect to mellow over time, and if they could give you that time?
I love this. Straight to the point and really lovely and honest.

Speaking as a MIL its an absolute minefield. My DIL is fab but I understand her baby is hers and if she wants me she only has to ask. Please OP, unless there's a back story here, step away a bit and check to see if shes really just trying to help out as well as spend some time with DGD.

To me the most irritating part of this would be that you and your DH have said no, and she’s still nagging. She may think you’re being overly precious, but I’m sure she wanted final say over your DH when he was a baby, so should accept you and DH having that now.

to add
You are absolutely right if you dont want her to be out of your sight. Im not saying you should let MIL have her alone. Just that she may be looking at it from a less controlling aspect than you may think and actually want to help some.

Don’t feed your baby in front of guests. Take him into a private room and do it there. If that means bringing premade formula then do it.

Why? What nonsense!

My DiL couldn't breastfeed but feeding time was still very special to her (and my son) who exclusively fed their baby for at least 4-5 months.

Yes it was special when I got the chance but I waited till they were ready.

How ridiculous of people saying you are being ott with the no feeding! Trust your gut op. I let people feed my first and it was certainly a factor that contributed to my pnd, because then everyone wanted a go and expected it whenever we saw them, I felt like I had to basically hand my baby over.

This is your previous newborn baby, you do what you need to do to make a secure attachment with them, and if you mil is making comments like that you can tell her to back off

*precious

A child which has been in ncu for 3 weeks likely has reflux and probably chokes while feeding. Nobody except the parents have any business feeding it.

Remember the three do's.

Wtf at these replies
Yanbu
Your baby is not there for someone to have a go' at feeding.
The first few months are a rollercoaster and no doubt you'll feel a little different soon, but family should respect that.

I think you need to loosen up a bit, she's a grandmother who just loves her grandchild. She's not some neighbour down the road. Children feel love from where it's coming and that love doesn't just come from you and dad. I have a 5 year old and 13 month old and both my mum and MIL love and smother/shower the kids with an abundance of love and attention, cuddles/ feeds etc and it's beautiful, shouldn't be a hindrance

I do wonder if grandparents feel more urgency to DO stuff as they realise how quickly each stage passes.

When your a new parent and in each stage you don't notice the passing of the time as much as your so caught up in the moment.

As a grandparent each stage is over in a heartbeat.

Pushing is not acceptable though but it's understandable

YANBU.

You do not have to let this woman feed your baby. She needs to respect your wishes. Like others have said, your baby is not a doll to be passed around, or there for someone else (even a MIL) to have 'a go' at feeding. I detest the expectation that we should all be so grateful for parents or in laws who want to smother our children with love and affection.

Do things your way - it's your baby. Trust your instincts. You are NOT obliged to do anything you don't want to.

Why aren’t you comfortable letting your MIL feed the baby? Is it something she’s doing, or just that you aren’t ready yet? If the former, maybe get your DH to have a word about what she needs to do. If the latter, just tell her your baby is really small and you aren’t ready yet.

She needs to back the fuck off

YANBU.

What is this bloody obsession with having the baby to herself? I keep seeing this on here and it's weird. The parent gets to decide when she wants to leave the baby with someone.

I think the first few comments were extremely harsh. Feeding time is special regardless if it’s breast or bottle. It’s not a free for all.

YANBU - your daughter is not a doll and does not exist for someone else's gratification.

This is very interesting. I have 2 dc. One male and one female. And I'm very much more invested in my dds child. Although my ds lives nearer me, I feel his dp controls access to the gc for whatever reason. Not a lot I can do about it however.

Talk to the woman, explain how worried you are about feeding, maybe you don't let her hold your child much, and she just wants cuddles.
Tell her right now you can't bare to have baby out of your sight, but offer her something else instead. Change a nappy push the pram.
Just set the rules, but sometimes in sharing the joy, you get other benefits.

Fair enough I could understand why she would want to feed your baby. It would seem a bit mean to never let her to so if baby is bottle fed. But her wanting to have time with the baby specifically without you being there is weird and suggests to me that there may be underlying tensions. My mil never liked me and was always surface nice and polite but i knew full well all of the awful things she had said about mr behind my back. The moment I got pregnant with my first child she suddenly became overly keen to be extra nice and it came across as so fake. She eventually offered to take my ds out for a walk in his pram while I caught up with the housework but I felt she was doing this because she couldn’t really stand me and it was spoiling her time with her DGS by having to have me around (and to be reminded that I was his mum) when she saw him. It didn’t end well. Eventually it all came out and she now refuses to come to our house to visit either of our children. So not exactly the doting gm she always made herself out to be.

mum2jenny I suspect seeing it as 'controlling access' might be part of the problem

It's a child not an xbox

^^ that probably sounds harsher than I meant but I hope you get my meaning. Kids and families are all different.

Please don’t be bullied into situations you’re not comfortable with OP or I fear you’ll feel bitter regret when you think back on your time with your new baby.

Trust your instincts, you’re her mum and you know what’s best - even if you still feel like a novice I promise that YOU know your DD better than anyone!

When my DDs went onto bottles I still didn’t let many people feed them, they were fussy feeders and both had bad reflux so we had quite particular feeding methods and I just wasn’t prepared for my baby to be uncomfortable just because some relative felt like they needed to feed her. It’s so random really - I’d never feel a major desire to feed another persons baby? Sure, I’d offer if the mum wanted a break etc. but I don’t understand the entitlement and indignation when people are told no? Weird.

Stick to your guns - you got this!

YANBU at all OP. It's natural to be possessive of your young baby. I planned to breastfeed and it didn't work out. I didn't let anybody other than DP feed her still, that would have been bonding time if I had breastfed. I wanted it to stay the same even though I couldn't. Don't let anyone push you into doing anything you aren't ready for, you'll only end up resenting them.