Do your parents stop giving you gifts when your own children?

[JKCR2017]

I don’t want to come across as a spoilt brat expecting presents here, as I’m anything but. But do you think you should stop buying your DC gifts when they have their own children so you buy for the children instead or do you still like to treat your children?

I understand that Christmas is all about children. I have two DC aged 7&3. We like to give them a good Christmas. Me and the OH have always bought each other gifts but have decided against it this year as we are saving for new carpets etc.

I’m asking this because I don’t get presents off my parents since having DC. Yet, my Mil has the opposite view and still likes to treat her children (and me, she is very generous). My grandparents also still buy gifts for my mum but I get nothing off my mum. She buys for her grandchildren, which is great but at Christmas she spends about £500-600 each on my younger sisters (16 and 12). And quite a bit on my 21 year old brother. She also buys gifts for my uncles, my grandparents, their neighbours, friends etc. But I get nothing. Of course my DC get presents (about £30-£50 each) but aibu to wanting a gift? Like I said, I’m not spoilt. I’ve never brought this up not wanting to cause a stir on Christmas but even a small box of chocolates would feel nice. I spend about £30 each on my sisters and brother and usually get my mum and dad something nice.

Mil always gets me a nice gift. And my mum always asks what she gets me so I tell her. Usually she gets me a £50 voucher or a bottle of perfume (I always say she shouldn’t spend so much on me).

My ex and his family (DS’s dad) were also very similar to my in laws. They like to buy everyone gifts.

I’m not sure if I’m just over thinking this? It’s not a financial issue when my mum spends over £1000 on my sisters! 😬

My dad buys for me and DH, but I told my siblings to only buy for the kids from now on.

Our dc all in their 20s suggested to us doing secret Santa last year. They are all going through a Save the World , buy less phase. We were happy to continue buying them presents but less than when they weren't earning. But we went along with their suggestion. So we each got one present. A lot of thought went into that one.
We do buy for our gd and l still buy for nieces and nephews under 21 which is family cut off age.
For years my dm bought only for my dc but as she got elderly and l helped a lot with her care she gave me a very generous cash gift which l enjoyed treating myself with.
I wouldn't say anything as things may change as your siblings grow and you had, say, 25 years of their presents so only right siblings have that now.

Both my parents buy for me and so does mil. They also buy for the children and step grandchildren who are adults now. My dm normally gives me 300e to split between myself, dh and the 2 younger kids. My mil usually gives us 200e between us and my Dad normally buys me something nice for the house and gets dh a book and gives me 50e.

Everyone spends around £10 each (we have no money) on everyone, no one gets left out.
It's not much to spend but we have a huge family so when we all meet up there are piles and piles of gifts. It's a lovely time for our family and I'm very lucky.

My parents buy Christmas presents for everyone and we all get roughly the same. I would be very hurt if they missed me out.

I could understand it if your DM was skint, but I'm still reeling from you saying at Christmas she spends about £500-600 each on my younger sisters (16 and 12).

Holy shit! How much money is washing around your family, OP? Damn right you're right to be hurt if your DM can afford this on your siblings and nothing for you.

Speak up. Be polite and loving, but I'd tell her you're hurt.

Presents from my parents and in-laws are generally my favourites. PILs have long since given up figuring out what I like and give me an Amazon voucher - DH gets the same. And a selection box each which wound me up when I was younger but amuses me now. My parents either come up with something I had no idea I wanted, or a lovely selection of things (bottle of something, chocolates, book, socks etc).

We have a small family though, if we did kids-only it’d be a miserable affair, and DD would be appallingly spoilt.

We all get money for birthdays and gifts for christmas.

I think it's really hurtful how your dm has seemingly cut you out. I have adult dc and they get generous Christmas gifts and a stocking each. If/when they have children their gifts won't diminish I will buy any gc the gift my own dc ask me to buy them which is pretty much what pd's and pil's did.

I find your DM's actions a bit strange, and I've never heard of a parent doing this. We no longer buy for any adults in my family (it was getting ridiculous and I was doing most of the shopping for MIL and DM too) but my DM always bought for me, even with 2DC. She still buys for my DSis and always will. I've stopped buying for friends when they have DC and bought for the DC instead, but that's different to your own DM/DC isn't it? Have you spoken to her about it?

Ahh, the apocryphal MN ‘small box of chocolates’ - always comes up when people want to frame their desire for a gift as being all about the thought and not about the gift itself. Be honest OP - if you were handed a box of milk tray you’d feel just as neglected as you do with nothing! It’s natural to want a present, don’t feel bad about it.

I don’t think YABU - it seems a bit mean and I don’t see the logic behind it. She could easily spend less on your siblings and get something for you too.

Yanbu. I have kids and my parents spoil them rotten. But they also gift presents ton my sister and I (maybe £150 each) and they also buy gifts for my DH and BIL (maybe £30-£50 each)
My in-laws aren't well off but they always get DH and I lovely thoughtful gifts.
It's odd that your parents give you nothing at all. If I were you I'd love to ask why, but understand that would be a hard conversation

#ittooshallpass fancy nobody getting a token present from your dd because she’s to young to go shopping by herself,

My parents still buy for me and dh for birthdays and Christmas.

Pil have never bought me so much as a card for my birthday, despite buying for at least one of their other dils for big birthdays (and telling me all about what she bought). Dh usually gets a birthday card from them whereas sils get big presents from them. I'm not sure if bils get birthday presents. Everyone has gc so no difference there.

For Christmas, sils always get big presents. Dh and I usually get a small token one between us. There is always at least one of her sons and partners who don't get a present at Christmas. It depends on the year's perceived slights. Dh and I usually get a present as dh is (too) good to her, but didn't the year before last. We have no idea what we are supposed to have done, other than not 100% take her side in a row with bil. As is obvious, mil is the queen of PA.

I think your situation is unfair given that your parents buy for other adults in the family. A token present would be fine.

We get presents from parents on both sides.

I can understand why you feel hurt when your parents are buying for Uncle Tom Cobley and all, and you are the only one who doesn't get something. Perhaps the way forward is to buy something small from the children to their grandparents?

Christmas is NOT "all about the children". Some people may have made it that, but for many families it's about the original Christian story and the giving/receiving of gifts that links to that. That means including everyone.
I can't believe some people spend £500 on one person, the cost for the whole family must be astronomical! This is Christmas commercialism at its worst.

DM and DD (long divorced) still insist on buying us adult children & our partners even though we have said it isn’t necessary now they have so many grandchildren. DM asked if I could ever imagine a time I wouldn’t buy my own DC a gift-I suppose not.
PIL haven’t ever sent gifts in all the time I’ve been with DH. But do send for our DC.

I had this conversation with my Mum at the weekend, and we were both confused b y the 'Christmas is only for children' idea. Just because we're adults, does that mean we don't deserve the thought, or enjoy the surprise of a gift? Ridiculous.

Yes, my parents still buy for me and my siblings. My sister and I have 7 children between us, my brother doesn't have any, but we all get the same budget spent on us.

YANBU to find it odd and hurtful. We

My parents and PILs buy presents for their adult children as well as for their grandchildren.

My DM always bought for us (4 adult DC), even when we had our own DC. We always had our own little pillow case with presents in, perfume, diaries, socks that type of thing.

Now DM is no longer with us DF gives us money but still buys us a few token gifts.

I still get presents from my parents for my birthday & Christmas- we do also from MIL and FIL & step-MIL and we give them also. They spend more on the kids but it’s nice to still get each other something.

Thanks all. Nice to hear your opinions.

I always buy my mum, stepdad and my brother and sisters a gift each so that’s not the issue. I don’t get much on my birthday either! She does buy for D.C. which I am grateful for but I would be really happy with some chocolates or some pjs or socks.

My head was in a spin this morning thinking about it, I feel a lot better now I know that I’m not just expecting presents and parents do still buy their adult children. I totally get not everyone can afford to buy loads of presents. My mum and stepdad aren’t well off but they also seem to find the money for my sisters to have loads. I also don’t have a dad around so my mum is the only parent and I feel slightly forgotten about as an adult. It’s feeling like the Mum of her grandchildren not like her daughter anymore!

My DM and DF still buy us gifts, FIL doesn't and MIL does. FIL has always been a bit of a knob when it's come to stuff like that, he's a nasty person.

Do you think you will say anything to her @JKCR2017 ?

Or will you stop buying gifts for her?

I feel really sad for you that she buys for extended family, but not you. If she can afford £500 each for your sisters, she can afford £50 for a gift for you. I hope you say something to her.

The fact that your mother buys presents for other adults in your extended family means SHE is being unreasonable. It is very unfair that she excludes you. I would dial right back on the present to her and your step father and get them a token gift.