To defend my bossiness to MIL

[helterskelter1]

Every time MIL comes round she tells me that I'm bossy, literally brings it up all the time, seems a bit obsessed with it. I am aware that I am a loud and strong minded person and work in a career where you have to be, I have enough friends who love me to know I'm not the person she makes out I am. Even if I talk loudly then that's bossy according to her. Ironically I actually find her very bossy but would never call anyone that so have never said anything.

It's getting really tiring now and she says it in front of DH who is now bringing up her comments in arguments and accusing me too, when he has never brought it up before.

In the past I have always just let her say this to me and never actually defended myself, even if she brings it up around the dinner table in front of others which is highly embarrassing, mainly as I hate confrontation. It can't carry on though as I actually feel like it's affecting how DH sees me, so I want to say something to her next time she says it, the problem is (which is quite ridiculous considering!) is that she's very sensitive and doesn't take criticism well and will likely get very upset and start crying.

AIBU to defend myself (and no doubt make myself look bossy by doing so)

Someone would only criticise me once in my own home.

Is she one of those old school MILs who expects you to defer to her?

Just tell her she's interminably critical and to fuck off frankly. Not in so many words obviously.

I think I'd go with quietly saying "I don't think I'd describe myself that way". If she scoffs, say that you do say what you think but that that's not necessarily a bad thing, and you certainly don't mean for it to appear like you're trying to tell other people what they should think.

Leave it there (having said it all fairly quietly and calmly) and see how she comes back. Ideally at the dinner table! Sounds like she's the bossy one and views you as a threat.

so I want to say something to her next time she says it

The words "get out of my house right now" you nasty bitch immediately spring to mind, and I wouldn't back down until she'd left.

I would ask her to give you an example, it is possible your dh is saying something to her

My Mil used to say the same about me, I also work in a job where I need to be strong minded and willed otherwise I would get walked over by the people I deal with.

I actually a few years ago said something back to her, in a joking manor but she didn’t like it. But it stopped it and nipped it in the bud. I think it made her think about what she was saying to be honest!

Play her at her own game. Pretend to cry and say how much it upsets you that she constantly says that when t just isn't true.

But even you acknowledge that you are loud and bossy. Not everyone likes being around loud people.
Perhaps they are mentioning the bossiness because they are fed up being told what to do.
Maybe your dh is bringing it up because he's fed up of it.

It sounds like this has been going on for a long time and you’ve had to just put up with these constant digs. So whilst I hate confrontation I think she needs to be called up on this. She obviously feels comfortable saying it now. I personally think you need to tell her clearly that you find her repeated commments hurtful and you don’t want to be put down again. It sounds horrible OP

Well, if your DH is bringing it up, I imagine it touches a chord in him, too, unless you’re suggesting he can’t think for himself, and is only passively repeating his mother’s comments.

Seriously, why the volume inside your own house? I recently spent a weekend in a house with a boomy retired teacher, who seemed to be using her ‘be heard at the back of the Assembly Hall with no mike’ voice even at 7 am on a Saturday, and it was really difficult to be around. Every time she spoke, it felt as if our hair was blowing back in the blast like a cartoon.

I would have thought by MILs age she'd appreciate the loudness, my MIL and DM would.

Every time she says it OP say Thank You for that MIL..I was waiting your you to say that again....then smile/glare and carry on as you were! Passive aggressive shit will/should embarrass her enough to shut up! or the old mumsnet favourite..Did you mean to be so rude? will often shut them down if asked in a lovely pleasant way! Sod her OP go on you can shut her down really easily in such a nice way!

Mine is a bit like this, its because her DS cooks the dinner, runs after the DC and occasionally does DIY for my DM.
Obviously he must be henpecked so I must be bossy. All snide remarks though, wouldnt say directly.
She has done all the domestic stuff in her marriage, cant believe a man might choose to share.

DH and his Mum have only recently started to repair what was a very fraught relationship, which I have actively been involved in mending, so she wasn't really in our life that much until recently, me and DH have been together for years and were friends before we got together and it has never even been mentioned before MIL started bringing it up all the time.
I definitely don't have a loud booming voice, the loud comment was made when we were outdoors.
Her other soon (my BIL, but does t feel right calling him that as I barely know him), is a horrible person but she blames everything about how he is on his poor wife. And I can see her going down the same path with me.

I honestly don't know how to approach it without looking bossy! I think the advice to reply very quietly and calmly is good, but even then my worry would be she would get offended and make me look like the bad one.

Good to hear I'm not alone and some of you have had this too!

I can’t help thinking that telling someone who thinks you are bossy to get out of your house is only going to confirm their belief.

I would separate the two issues: firstly she thinks you’re bossy. Well, you can consider convincing her otherwise but it sounds like a firmly held belief that’s become a habit to boot. I’d probably ignore this part.

The second issue is that she feels free to express her opinion on this in inappropriate ways, frequently and in public. All of which is very rude and hurtful.

I wouldn’t be waiting for ‘the next time’, I’d set aside a time to talk to her seriously about it. I’d say that I’d noticed her saying ‘x, y & z’ more often over the months and wanted to address it with her. Do it with a gentle but firm tone. Tell her that she is certainly entitled to her opinions and preferences, but that she is stepping over a line to be bringing it up often and publically. Say it’s frankly becoming a bit embarrassing for everyone, and people are noticing your hurt reaction. Say that of course family will have things they wish they could change about each other- and lord knows you have several too- but it’s important to be diplomatic and for everyone to bite their tongues also, to keep the peace.

Make it clear that you’ve discussed the topic with DH, and he’s in agreement that this ‘little chat’ is important to maintain relations. You’ll have to do some fancy footwork with DH so as not to be actively lying, but get just enough agreement from him beforehand that it stops her immediately trying to get him on side, or running to him to report.

If she persists after this chat, give her the Hard Stare every time she does it, and say in a calm voice ‘Beryl, I thought we’d talked about this?’ then let the silence and awkwardness do the work for you. Do this every time, forever. If you can manage to put a hand on her arm as you say it, even better. As in ‘Poor dear, have you forgotten already?’. You may look a bit PA to those around who twig, but you won’t look bossy!!

Bossy is one of those interesting terms, like feisty, which you rarely hear used to describe adult men, only women.

I don’t mind being described as assertive or authoritative. I would have to, and have, question the gender implications of being called bossy in my own home..

or casually look at your watch and say quarter to three MIL I thought you had forgotten to bring it up but there you go you have done it now!When she responds if she does say well I was waiting as you seem to bring it up everytime I see you glad you didnt disappoint today! so politely so bright and breezy ...she will hate it!

Smile brightly, quote a recent bossy thing that she's said or done, and ask why that's OK but whatever you are accused of is not.

SnuggyBuggy, I'm a Mil, I'm 51, no hearing loss. Does that happen when you become a MIL? Or are you just generally ageist?

OP, my eldest DD is bossy, she forgets that we don't need managing, which is what she's excellent at, at work.

We have to often remind her.

Have you spoke to your DH to ask if this is an issue for him?

Perhaps a discussion of what ‘bossy’ actually means? It’s not a word used to describe a man, is it?

Or just Own It. Agree with her. ‘Yes Ethel, I AM bossy. I’m like the Beyoncé of Bermondsey (insert own home town name) - someone has to be the strong woman round here, sweetie.’

It would be an odd thing to accuse someone of if it is not true.your own description of your self is loud and strong minded.

MIL: you're quite bossy
You: my goodness, did you mean to be so rude? And in my own home, no less?

Just tell her she's interminably critical and to fuck off frankly. Not in so many words obviously. shock

Simply say 'Pot, Kettle Black' then totally ignore her, they hate to be ignored, if they don't get a rise out of you it's so annoying for them. I really don't know why people engage others in verbal warfare when passive aggression is so much more powerful!