To defend my bossiness to MIL

[helterskelter1]

Every time MIL comes round she tells me that I'm bossy, literally brings it up all the time, seems a bit obsessed with it. I am aware that I am a loud and strong minded person and work in a career where you have to be, I have enough friends who love me to know I'm not the person she makes out I am. Even if I talk loudly then that's bossy according to her. Ironically I actually find her very bossy but would never call anyone that so have never said anything.

It's getting really tiring now and she says it in front of DH who is now bringing up her comments in arguments and accusing me too, when he has never brought it up before.

In the past I have always just let her say this to me and never actually defended myself, even if she brings it up around the dinner table in front of others which is highly embarrassing, mainly as I hate confrontation. It can't carry on though as I actually feel like it's affecting how DH sees me, so I want to say something to her next time she says it, the problem is (which is quite ridiculous considering!) is that she's very sensitive and doesn't take criticism well and will likely get very upset and start crying.

AIBU to defend myself (and no doubt make myself look bossy by doing so)

*"Loud and strong minded" is to bossy what "free spirited" is to bratty.

You've essentially admitted you're bossy. Don't be surprised when 1) people don't like it, and 2) other people express their opinions that you are bossy*

Maybe your DH doesn't defend the comments as he agrees. Maybe he's fed up of it. Nobody needs to be bossy, you can get things done by asking nicely. I know lots of people on demanding jobs whose staff work hard for them without a shred of being bossy, that's just a cop out saying you need to be bossy for your job.

"What's wrong with being bossy?"

Because in a social or family setting, you don't get to be in charge of other Adults.

My DDs, as another poster admitted, escalates her bossiness at times of stress. So we're meeting up for a Christmas Market/Fair, she wants to micro-manage the whole day, even before we meet up.

None of us are non attenders or late, if anything that's her, but sometimes that's because of anxiety, which is sometimes the cause of bossiness.

We have dinner, again there is a level of unnecessary bossiness and micro managing. We all live in clean houses, we manage our own lives. We have to remind her of that.

You can't discuss life events/household repairs without her wanting to tell you how you should do it. I remind her that I'd bought three houses before I gave birth to her.

Men are more likely to be called controlling, alpha male, "be in charge", arrogant etc , but it's the same thing.

Point out that only women are ever called bossy.

You did a silly thing encouraging DH to bring her back into his life. When adults distance themselves from their parents (like I did) there is usually a bloody good reason. What did you think? That you could teach them to play nicely together? That obviously a rift between mother and son is down to them being a bit daft, a misunderstanding or just them not being very sensible perhaps?

She's a dick. Surely that's why he had a fraught distant relationship. You made a mistake inviting the crazy back into the house. You've reinforced the message that he was wrong to have boundaries with his mother. Now it has come back to bite you on the arse.

I suggest you get him talking about why he and she didn't get along in the first place. This time don't get into victim blaming type suggestions that he is a bad person if he isn't close to his mother and so he should try harder, do this, do that, to make his mum be in his life.

Some women who are dicks become mothers and are still dicks. Their children, people like me, can get awfully sick of everyone assuming it is somehow the child's fault if the relationship is bad.

Bossy people are very hard to be around. My DM is very bossy and has to be in charge, even when she's in our home. She interferes in our parenting, undermines me as mum and constantly tells us how we could do things better.

I'm finally backing off from her and creating boundaries around my family, which I know is hurtful to her, but it's necessary for my mental health. I actually don't think she realises how she comes across and she's hardly likely to change now, at the age of 79.

I obviously can't say whether or not you're bossy, OP, and your MIL is being rude in bringing it up constantly, but you should talk to your DH and ask him whether this is really how he's always seen you or whether it's just an idea that his DM has put in his head.

My DH is boss-y, as in, often orders me about like I'm his employee which I hate and tell him so. Perhaps your MIL thinks you're like this with her DS, but no excuse for her constantly going on about it, just tell her to stop it.

DH and his Mum have only recently started to repair what was a very fraught relationship, which I have actively been involved in mending Well there you go. Hoist by your own petard!

I have said often here that anyone who tries mending fractious family relationships is setting all concerned up for a lot of heartache.

Could it be that your DH was working his way out of a relationship that had, since childhood, made him feel belittled, lesser than, unnecessary? Then you, with the best will in the world, stepped in and actively persuaded him to make amends tot he person who was the root cause of all of that hurt and harm? Did you go out of your way to facilitate meetings between the two of them, reassure him that when she yet again belittled him that he was doing well to ignore her behaviour, she is, after all his mother? Did you lead by example?

Well, you are now realising why he was separating himself. You can no longer put up with her acerbic comments, and you have had only a fraction of what he has had to put up with!

But you have also helped indoctrinate him into believing she is right. So her view of you is also right!

See?

I will admit I am projecting my own experiences onto you. I was lucky, both DH and I realised what was happening and we both stopped. Now I support him is remaining separate from his family - and he is far more relaxed and happy for it!

Good luck sorting it out, but I fear you may need to allow a large row to occur, to focus the minds of all concerned!

Seriously, this is so rude of her. I don't care how loud and strong willed you are, no one gets to come into your house and continually insult you.

Personally I would approach this with DH first. Put aside a time to have a calm, serious conversation about this. Tell him how upset you are and how you feel it's affecting your relationship. Ask him to speak to his mother and tell her never to mention it again or she's not welcome in your house. And if DH won't, you tell her!

Alternatively I do like the glittery T shirt idea!

"Personally I would get a t-shirt in full resplendant glitter that says*

I"M NOT BOSSY,
I'M THE BOSS"

and wear it whenever you see her until she stops."

^^ LOVE this!!

There is a huge difference in being the boss and being bossy.

Stunned that this person receives repeated invites to your home in order to insult you.

fc301 if OP is doing what I did for a while then she is trying to show that she is too grown up to react, that anything her MIL says/does has no effect. She is trying to ensure her DH has a good relationship with his DM and not to stand in the way!

If, like me, her DH gets round to telling her that he really was happier without a relationship with his DM, then OP can heave a great sigh of relief and start rearranging her own behaviour, including never ever making that invitation again!

Get a small whiteboard for the fridge. Every time she calls you bossy, go over and put a mark on it. When she (or DH) ask what it is then tell them that when it gets to 20 you get a small treat, when it gets to 50 you get a bigger one and at 100 you get a spa day as a reward for your tact and toleration.

DH and his Mum have only recently started to repair what was a very fraught relationship, which I have actively been involved in mending, so she wasn't really in our life that much until recently, me and DH have been together for years and were friends before we got together and it has never even been mentioned before MIL started bringing it up all the time.
I definitely don't have a loud booming voice, the loud comment was made when we were outdoors.
Her other soon (my BIL, but does t feel right calling him that as I barely know him), is a horrible person but she blames everything about how he is on his poor wife. And I can see her going down the same path with me.

Firstly, you need to have a chat with your DH. Does he think you're bossy? Can he give examples? Or is he just repeating his mum? If you and your DH have been together for years without this being mentioned, what changed?

Maybe you can point out your observations about BIL, it might give him pause to think.

And maybe take a step back from trying to mend the relationship, it might have been fraught for a reason.

Why was their relationship fraught?
The reason for that is what you need to remind her of the next time she's rude and brash enough to insult you in your own home.

"Excuse me!?" In a strong assertive voice with a raised eyebrow the next time she says it then silence until she speaks is enough to get this nipped in the bud.

Dh needs to be onside. First job is a chat with him to remind him you're a team. And perhaps discuss any genuine grievances either of you had.

Second. I don't care how bossy or not you are. When a guest in your home starts a character asssination of you I don't think you should defend yourself. Just invite them to cease or leave.

Alternatively, laugh out loud and say "It's so funny because I always think you're so bossy dh and i always laugh about it!!"

Some really good advice here, thanks everyone. You have empowered me to stick up for myself next time she says it and say something! Will let you know how I get on.

And funnily enough, all the examples given of bossiness describe her completely, not me! I would definitely say I am assertive, and that might be annoying to some people, but I definitely don't tell DH what to do, we have always been equals in our relationship which we are both proud of. He can never give examples of my bossiness when I ask him, but just refers to the fact his Mum thinks so too.

I am also going to bring this up with DH tonight and hopefully get him to stick up for me next time she says it too.

Love the T Shirt idea! Wish I was brave enough to actually wear it!