To defend my bossiness to MIL

[helterskelter1]

Every time MIL comes round she tells me that I'm bossy, literally brings it up all the time, seems a bit obsessed with it. I am aware that I am a loud and strong minded person and work in a career where you have to be, I have enough friends who love me to know I'm not the person she makes out I am. Even if I talk loudly then that's bossy according to her. Ironically I actually find her very bossy but would never call anyone that so have never said anything.

It's getting really tiring now and she says it in front of DH who is now bringing up her comments in arguments and accusing me too, when he has never brought it up before.

In the past I have always just let her say this to me and never actually defended myself, even if she brings it up around the dinner table in front of others which is highly embarrassing, mainly as I hate confrontation. It can't carry on though as I actually feel like it's affecting how DH sees me, so I want to say something to her next time she says it, the problem is (which is quite ridiculous considering!) is that she's very sensitive and doesn't take criticism well and will likely get very upset and start crying.

AIBU to defend myself (and no doubt make myself look bossy by doing so)

Oh I don't think it's fair (or wise) for her to criticise you like that.

Some families are very open and direct; they say what they think, then run for cover as the mud starts to fly. Others fester with stifled resentments, which seep out from time to time.

You are who you are, and your husband loves you as you are. But there's no harm in being self-aware (which you are, clearly, or you wouldn't have written this post). If YOU think you are being too bossy, stop it! If your husband is complaining, then talk to him about it.

Just ignore MIL. She clearly has issues of her own, and they might have nothing to do with you at all. Just accept her as she is, and see the humour (ie MIL being bossy by telling you how to behave - ironic, innit?).

Shut it down, calmly, every time. 'MIL, please don't be so rude', like a broken record. Don't engage in any other way.

The bigger problem is your dh. You need a sit-down talk with him about why he is starting to take on her perspective, what he thinks she is trying to achieve with these comments and what he is trying to achieve by bringing it up.

What is she saying to you exactly?

‘Wow you are so bossy’ or ?

Perhaps DH needs to think back on why he had a fraught relationship with his mother previously, and who it was who encouraged them to make it up. That, I think, to be honest, was your mistake... but ah, hindsight.

The Guilty Feminist podcast suggested we reclaim the word and say like a boss! Thanks!

If you do that, ça d indeed she starts crying, isn't it going to justify what your OH is currently thinking. You've never cared what she thought until it impacted on your relationship with your OH so it's with him you need to take it up.

Have a discussion, ask him why he is bringing it up now, how it is affecting him giving examples, and whether there is room to consider your bahaviour? I'm a bossy person too which is OK, but I've learned through close people telling me that it gets worse and difficult when I'm stressed so I now take a step back.

Ask her to give you specific examples of when you demonstrated bossy behaviour. If she is able to then it might be worth considering that she has a point. If she’s not able to then you can ask her to please stop mentioning behaviour that she is unable to provide evidence for as it as very hurtful for you.

More likely to provide a result that going down the passive aggressive route.

@Birdsgottafly, not ageist, just from a long line of people who start going deaf at 50

"Loud and strong minded" is to bossy what "free spirited" is to bratty.

You've essentially admitted you're bossy. Don't be surprised when 1) people don't like it, and 2) other people express their opinions that you are bossy.

There's loads of ways you can play this

Mil: you are very bossy
Op: ooohh great we're playing the honesty game, great, ok my turn, I find you really rude. Your turn
Mil: shock, cries
You: oh I didn't realise you thought it was a one player game. You probably should stop playing it unless you are willing for people to play you at your own game.

Mil: you are so bossy
Op: oh wow that was only an hour into your visit, you are getting faster

Mil: you are so bossy
Op: so you keep saying. Frankly it's Everytime you visit so I suggest you either stop calling or start keeping your opinions to yourself just like I do about you.

Mil: you are bossy
Op: I think you're are a horrible rude cow but I manage not to tell you on every visit, I suggest you practice the same restraint if you want to keep calling.

If she cries to any of this simply say "you insult me in my home every single visit with no thought to the upset you cause me, frankly your crocodile tears are as welcome as your opinions"

I am bossy (well was) to dhs family. But literally nowt would get done ever. Fortunately we never see them now his parents are dead. Cos once they went I decided to wait for them (3 other siblings) to organise a get together.

I think there is a big difference between being called bossy if you are merely assertive.

Bossy, I feel, is something to describe children in primary school when they dictate what game should be played.

I think I would just correct her, she says bossy, you say do you mean assertive? Why is that a bad thing? Put the onus back on her to tell you why she thinks it's bad.

You can then follow it up with well I feel there are worse traits such as rudeness and a feeling of needing to put people down repeatedly. Then smile sweetly.

I think you need a chat with your DH first and foremost.

You need him to defend you (I’m assuming he doesn’t say anything either?) in front of her.
You also need to have a chat about you been bossy and what it means to HIM. The reality is that when someone is pointing something out again and again, it’s easy to then start believing it if you don’t start really thinking out it/whether it’s true or not etc... Esp if it fits some narrative that is in effect in your favour.

Having a common front is your best strategy along side the ‘did you mean to be so rude?’ proposed by PP.
I find it interesting that your DH has a fractured Relationhsip with her. There was a reason for it and I suspect her behaviour was a big part of it. Does her constant criticism of you fit that picture of a woman hard to live/be with?

This would give me the rage too, mostly because like 'nag', 'bossy' is usually used to describe women in a less than flattering way. You don't hear about men ' nagging' or being 'bossy'.

I would just tell her not to be rude and then ignore, don't get into a discussion.

What's wrong with being bossy?
That's how we get things done in this world.
Why is bossiness seen as a negative trait and especially in women?
It's 'fine' for men to be bossy and even admired as a male characteristic.
Take the initiative and put this MIL in her place.

bossy is a word that really pisses me off, and it's banned in our house. Bossy is only ever used to describe women (when did you last hear someone describe a man or a boy as 'bossy?').

why shouldn't you, in your own home, state an opinion of what you would like to happen, and how you want it done? a -wo-mans castle is -her- his home after all (as long as we are reasonable and polite, natch).

I'd just go straight with a 'please don't refer to me as bossy again, i find it extremely rude and offensive, and the only reason I haven't said anything before is because I was hoping that your usually good manners would help you to realise that'

well those strikeouts worked well

Returnofthesmileybar, what an immature way to go about it. It's encouraging conflict and really only showing evidence of the claim of bossiness in the first place. Some people seem to love drama when some issues could be tackled easily by actually considering that what they are accused of might not be totally untrue.

Every time someone says the word bossy I can't help but spit out a little speech about the patriarchy and how by telling girls and women negatively that they're being bossy what we're actually doing is reinforcing the message that women should not be the ones in charge and really, that they should learn their place and just accept what is provided for them.

Beyonce led a "Ban bossy" campaign.

Personally I would get a t-shirt in full resplendant glitter that says

I"M NOT BOSSY,
I'M THE BOSS"

and wear it whenever you see her until she stops.

I’d maybe ask what she meant and actually listen. Then reflect on whether she had a point before either agreeing (I am so, I’d laugh and say yes, you’re right, but someone has to be the household COO). If I wasn’t, I might drill down into why she had that perception and ask whether it was because the children or dog were naturally obedient she assumed I must be bossy.
If I was overbearingly and uneccessarily bossy or aggressive rather than assertive, I might want to think about changing myself and tempering the way I interacted.

I would call her out on it. Its very rude. Next time she says, make a big deal of it 'Ha. I was right, here again with the 'bossy' everytime. Its getting so boring'. If she denies it, say 'Y ou do it everytime I meet you, but I'll start making a note of it to prove it to you.'. Hopefully that will shame her I to not doing it.

Or just see her less, I have one of those MILs who is blamed for her son's lack.of interest. I rarely visit these days, am often busy if she comes here. I offer it up as you spend quality time together, but in truth I can't abide the snide digs and cattiness.

^Personally I would get a t-shirt in full resplendant glitter that says

I"M NOT BOSSY,
I'M THE BOSS"

and wear it whenever you see her until she stops.^

Brilliant, and you wouldn't even need to say a word.

Your DH is a prick for using her words against you. Call him out on it. Ask him if he would want to hear your parents views on him every time you have an argument.

Would anyone really wear this t-shirt with pride? I'd be embarrassed and offended if my OH did so himself. It's screams, 'I'm not bossy, I'm a control freak and do t care what anyone else feels'.

My MIL was 'bossy' It's not a nice characteristic to be around. My own DM is assertive. I think there's a huge difference.
Bossy conjures up a person who believes they are so right that they have to ensure others do what they say. This generally gets people's backs up and makes them feel uncomfortable, unless, of course they enjoy being told what to do as adults.
I do think your MIL is being bad mannered stating this to you in your own home and it would be very interesting to ask her what she means when she next says it. It may be that she feels she's being steam rolled into doing what you think she should be doing and not as she wants to do. My DD has pulled me up for being bossy before and when she gave me examples she was absolutely correct and I really try not to do it now

Poached My strikeouts don’t work anymore either. It happened a few years ago too then after another update or something, they just started working again. I live in hope...

Helter Sort things out with your DH first. He’s a grown man not a toddler copying the adults. I assume, as you’ve been together years and it has only just become ‘a problem’, that it’s either either point scoring or that he’s subconsciously trying to be more like his mother to get on with her better. As for her, stop bringing her into your lives, leave it to DH to invite her and to cook etc. When she is rude, pull her up on it. Don’t let her get away with it. If she cries, she cries...it’s ok, it won’t cause national flooding. Pull her up Every Single TIme, company or not.
But I wouldn’t have her in my home when I had other people around until she could mind her manners.