To feel so joyless

[Farontothemaddingcrowd]

I am really finding it hard to see any joy in anything. Work has been incredibly pressured lately and I've find it stressful and unrewarding to juggle that with being a single parent of 3. I've decided that no one would ever want a single parent as a partner and I've no time or energy for that anyway, so that feels a bit bleak too.

Then there are Christmas markets, Christmas parties, flavoured christmas vodkas etc. Stuff I would have maybe enjoyed in a previous life, I now just have no interest in. I feel like Scrooge.
My kids keep getting nits and I'm.constantly treating and combing. They lose clothes when they are at their dad's and I have to keep replacing them. Their dad has them every other weekend but they are sleeping at his mum's as he doesn't have much room, so that's not ideal either as she's elderly and forgetful. But I don't feel I can cope without those weekends.
I feel like I'm just going from work to home, work to home and there's no joy. Absolutely none.

These are all little things really, so I don't know why I'm feeling so grumpy. I'm on my own this Christmas as well and I'm worrying about money so that doesn't feel great.

I'm also super anxious. I ran a competition for kids I teach and I don't know how they did yet. It's pretty prestigious. It's been a nightmare to do and I'm panicking that I haven't heard anything because it's been a terrible disaster and my reputation at work is ruined.

What ages are the other kids?
You say one is 13. They should be able to look after their stuff andstop being so effing careless and losing it.
They should have chores and be helping out at home.

Their school needs to be notified that some deadbeat parent is letting their kid spread nits to everyone else.

Their dad loses stuff in the wash. They are 9 and 11. I know you're trying to be helpful but it's not helping really. I do try to get them to help but they aren't brilliant with chores and I'm low in energy to change that atm.
For all I know i could be the deadbeat parent, I keep treating but the treatments aren't working.

@HalloweeninCornwall to be honest I don't think it's depression

Anyone with depression will know that they will not blame external sources for their mood they will wonder why they feel so low

Her thought process needs t to change

I have bulimia which usually do go with depression. I've had historic depression. So I think it's probably depression. External factors are risk factors for depression. I also think I have pernicious anaemia. I don't think going 'look at the lovely trees' will help.

I'm not coping with external issues as much as I usually do. I'm not saying they've caused this feeling. But they haven't helped. I think it's dangerous to suggest you don't think someone has depression if you aren't qualified to do so.

That post upset me actually. I've self harmed in the past and have a long history of eating issues and depression. I've felt better for a bit but I recognise I'm sinking again. And then someone comes along and says 'no you don't have depression. Just cheer up!'

People with depression often don't think rationally.
I also have anxiety, so I see things in a very black and white way. I put a lot of pressure on myself to be perfect and hold myself to unreasonable standards.

Yes I guess some people don't understand mental illnesses. I think it's partly physical as well - or at least it was the last time I had a blood test.

Hello OP. Lots of your posts ringing true with me so thought I would chime in, at least so you know you’re not the only one! I have felt ridiculously low all year, working very long hours around 2 DC (though I do have a DH). I just feel like I’m wading though life and, absolutely, that there is no joy in it. I acknowledge that our DC are lovely and wouldn’t be without them, but I have done nothing for me for months, not in touch with friends, absolutely lacking energy.

I went to the GP, blood tests showed vitamin D and iron deficiency - so, like all other posters, I do recommend you try to scrabble an appointment and see what that shows.

I’m still feeling very low and expect I am depressed - another aspect you’re going through which spoke to me is your bulimia. I had this until my early 20s but, as I expect you sadly know, it casts a very very long shadow and my eating habits are the first thing to go wrong if I don’t keep myself together. The only thing that keeps me in check is exercise - I’m not a fanatic, I don’t have time for that, but I did the C25k app and try to do something 3x a week for 30 mins. If I lapse for a week, my eating is all over the place. Once I’ve done a couple of sessions my mood is on a much better footing - what makes you feel better? Do more of it! Schedule it regularly. Try to prioritise it if you can. My little house of cards falls down without this.

Another thing I would recommend, but of course this is another drain of time and money, is some counselling - I had a course of therapy over the summer which was fantastic, really opened my eyes to how constantly and brutally self-critical I am. I fear this is all part and parcel of the bulimia mindset - perfectionism is something we have to battle with daily. And I think this perfectionism/self criticism is also why I struggle to find the joy in daily life? I wish I knew how to work around it. Until then, I try to cut myself some slack and - if I can’t make myself happy, then I try to ensure it doesn’t bleed into the time I spend with my kids but it’s hard.

I don’t know if any of my personal “insights” help but I did just want to reach out as I recognised so much of what I am going through. It’s very very hard, and you are doing this as a single parent so there’s a huge other layer which I couldn’t begin to comprehend. A hand hold for you as you go through this and good luck

^recognised so much of what you are going through, that should have said

It sounds a LOT like depression to me, especially withdrawing from friends, not finding joy in things, having low motivation. OP, I realise it's hard to get to a doctor when you're a teacher. I would definitely recommend doing the NHS depression test, which should give you enough of a sense of whether that's the problem to know whether it's worth pursuing the GP appointment. If they prescribe medication, that can often be enough to get your mood back into a place where you can start dealing with all the other things.

But also, if you need time off, you need time off. The school will cope without you, just as they would if you had a physical illness.

@bridgetreilly I've had both depression and anaemia, and they both make you feel like you have no interest in anything. I could hardly get out of bed with the anaemia, I didn't want to do anything. I was just plodding through the day until I could crawl back into bed. I've been on my pills for nearly 2 weeks and the difference is noticable. I am still tired, but not to the bone like I was.
I think in the case of OPs history, a blood test to rule out anything obviously medical is prob the best course of action and then possibly going on antidepressants.

Well it was announced today that we have an inspection this week

So sorry to hear that madding - what shitty timing

That's shit timing. Make some time for yourself during the inspection - plan lovely dinners, a bath with a glass of wine, that kind of things. If all else fails, make voodoo dolls of the inspectors!

Sounds like depression to me too OP. Hope your GP can help. Terrible timing for an inspection 🙁. Are you getting enough sleep? It's not a substitute for the treatment you may need but if you can't get a gp appointment right away try going to bed at the same time as the kids for a few days and see if that gives you more emotional energy to draw on?

Self harm, bulimia and previous depression - sounds like quite complex mental health problems. Sorry you're having to deal with it all :( Could you self refer to your local IAPT service for CBT/Counseling?

Well I haven't had time to sort my health out yet with this inspection. I've finished work for the night and I'll get up early and do some more.
The main thing I feel is just drained and a bit like I'm really hideously plain and frumpy and fat. Also don 't really feel much like me.

Op you are showing many symptoms of depression, depression can be reactive to external sources. Constant pressure leading to stress can alter the hormonal balance and lead to depression. Please seek help. It beggars belief in this day and age someone suffering from clearly identified symptoms of depression can be told to just cheer up. Peoples poor mental health can lead to death if not properly treated op please be kind to yourself read about depression. Speak to your GP. Big hugs