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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

when do you give up?

70 replies

RubyRed12 · 24/11/2018 18:33

DH and I are not talking. Its been a couple of weeks and he ignores me completely (i have made no effort to speak to him either). The non talking can go on for months and its been happening a lot of the the last 5 / 6 years. This year there have been at least 3 occasions of non-talking (excluding this one). We hardly spoke during June, July and August this year which i feel ruined the Summer for my DD15 and me.
I feel really angry with him and am fed up that he can go months without saying anything to me. My anger at the moment is keeping me from being upset but when that passes i get really upset and feel worthless. I dont think he loves me anymore and i think we are only staying together until DD goes to Uni.
I am self employed and work part-time from home so I dont always have the distraction he has with work, the last 6 months or so he's had to work abroad for 4-5 days so that keeps him busy and its likely to continue in the new year.
Any advise on what to do? How i should handle this? I feel my life is passing me by and im not happy. I've just turned 51.

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 24/11/2018 18:34

Why are you not talking?

BobbiPins · 24/11/2018 18:37

He doesn’t love you and doesn’t even respect you enough to be polite to you. You can’t change him. You know what to do.

ThatOneHurt · 24/11/2018 18:38

That's a marriage that is totally deaded. Sad

Bombardier25966 · 24/11/2018 18:38

You've been unhappy for a long time. What is stopping you from splitting up?

stressedmum15 · 24/11/2018 18:41

You don't talk for months ? Shock
That must be unbearable for you and anyone else who lives with you .
This is silly end this marriage.
If me and dh row we may not speak for a matter of minutes before one of us will apologise. In fact it's a rule never go to bed on a argument. He pisses me off a lot sometimes but to go days or weeks without talking is just insane .

stressedmum15 · 24/11/2018 18:43

Just re read the thread , your dd will be so miserable this has got to stop someone has got to be honest and admit the marriage is over , don't wait until dd is at uni .

RedRedBluee · 24/11/2018 18:48

Sounds like the marriage is over.
I don’t see what the point in waiting until DD goes to uni is, can’t be nice for her living in a house like that.

Everyone will be a lot happier in the long term if you split.

AgathaRaisinsCat · 24/11/2018 18:51

I hate to say it but from your post (unless I've misread it) it sounds as though you are equally to blame as neither of you is talking to the other. It sounds like it's time to put on your big girl pants and tell him that you want to talk - perhaps a weekend away on neural territory - and discuss what you both want from your marriage. Neither of you is being fair to your daughter.

Mrsbclinton · 24/11/2018 18:51

Your situation sounds awful, how can you live like this? It cant be good for anyone involved especially your DD.
What would happen if you tried to talk to your DH?
How do you discuss day to day things with him if he does talk for months on end?
I would try and talk to husband and suggest some marriage counselling as it seems to be a regular occurrence.

EdithBouvier · 24/11/2018 19:16

You're both to blame. You're not talking to each other. And honestly you both need to grow up. What a horrible atmosphere for your child - sort it out please this is truly awful to read let alone your poor child living in the same house as two silent parents.

milkandpancakes · 24/11/2018 19:17

It must be awful for your DD to be living in that kind of environment, I really wouldn't wait until she leaves for uni to make changes because it just means everyone is miserable longer.

I think either give counselling a really good shot (and your husband would need to be prepared to do so) or it's a case of ending this marriage really. It's such a long way from a loving and healthy relationship and life is too short to live like that, surely?

Original poster
RubyRed12 · 24/11/2018 19:19

Thank you all for your replies.
This argument started because i wanted to know why he doesn't tell me about his trip abroad when he is told about them at work - on this occasion he sent a message to his friend who lives in the country he was travelling about 5 days before he told me (i checked his phone). He gets angry and tells me he is busy at work and didn't have time to tell me. This led into an argument and him telling me i was stupid for not understanding.
We dont discuss day to day things because he is too busy with work.

OP posts:
EdithBouvier · 24/11/2018 19:21

Ok seriously time for a divorce. Also you do still both need to grow up even the argument sounds like something a teenager would do.

Original poster
RubyRed12 · 24/11/2018 19:22

I am very unhappy and also feel very lonely in this marriage. We have discussed divorce but getting divorced now will cause too much upset for my DD, we would need to sell the house and she has told us she does not want to leave it.

OP posts:
Schlecky · 24/11/2018 19:24

Honestly she won't feel worse if you divorce she is probably miserable now if you're all silent in the house. Why would you need to definitely sell? That's part of the negotiation of divorce. Move on. Life is too short.

ProfessorMoody · 24/11/2018 19:24

So... You haven't spoken to him either. You both sound like stubborn children and this is awful for your poor child.

Either end it and move on, or sort it out like grown ups.

Original poster
RubyRed12 · 24/11/2018 19:24

@EdithBouvier i agree we are both to blame. But i wish he would sit down and talk to me rather than put me down and make me cry when i want to talk

OP posts:
Snowwontbelong · 24/11/2018 19:25

Unfortunately as the adult you get to make the decisions - dd is not entitled to decide.

DPotter · 24/11/2018 19:25

This sounds a dreadful situation, not only for you but for your DD as well.

Please think again about hanging on in there for another 3 years - your DD doesn't have the choice she has to stay - hardly a calm supportive environment for 2 very important exam periods.
Pull the plaster off - start looking into options, - the good old "getting your sucks in a row" time

Original poster
RubyRed12 · 24/11/2018 19:26

@ProfessorMoody I am always the one to start the conversation. He never talks to me after an argument and he is the one to ignore me

OP posts:
LizzieBennettDarcy · 24/11/2018 19:26

Don't think you are doing your DD any favours by staying.

All she's getting is a fucked up view of what a relationship is.

You are all unhappy. Time to make a change Flowers

VictoriaBun · 24/11/2018 19:26

I have questions :
Do you cook for him ?
What happens, you eat in silence ?
Are you doing things for him ? Washing/ironing etc ?
Do you share household bills and share diy ?
Do you have visitors/family over - and still not speak ?
Do you share a bed ?
I'm being nosy, and yes we might row and then not speak but for half an hour or so.

Original poster
RubyRed12 · 24/11/2018 19:28

@DPotter DD goes to an independent school so getting a divorce would mean her leaving her school - its too much of a change for her at a crucial time in her education.

OP posts:
3luckystars · 24/11/2018 19:29

Does your daughter know that this is not right in a relationship?

ChristmasFluff · 24/11/2018 19:29

I think at this point your daughter is old enough to understand that forcing a parent to stay in an intolerable situation just so she doesn't have to leave her childhood home is not reasonable. Stop putting yourself last. Your life matters.