when do you give up?

[RubyRed12]

DH and I are not talking. Its been a couple of weeks and he ignores me completely (i have made no effort to speak to him either). The non talking can go on for months and its been happening a lot of the the last 5 / 6 years. This year there have been at least 3 occasions of non-talking (excluding this one). We hardly spoke during June, July and August this year which i feel ruined the Summer for my DD15 and me.
I feel really angry with him and am fed up that he can go months without saying anything to me. My anger at the moment is keeping me from being upset but when that passes i get really upset and feel worthless. I dont think he loves me anymore and i think we are only staying together until DD goes to Uni.
I am self employed and work part-time from home so I dont always have the distraction he has with work, the last 6 months or so he's had to work abroad for 4-5 days so that keeps him busy and its likely to continue in the new year.
Any advise on what to do? How i should handle this? I feel my life is passing me by and im not happy. I've just turned 51.

@Jack65 DD will never be in a relationship like mine, she will learn from this and make a better choice for herself. I will always be there to support her. If anything, I hope this makes her think she will never take crap from a man and never let someone talk to her the way he talks to me!

@RubyRed12 you are so naive and misguided thinking your DD will choose differently. She is highly likely to subconsciously pick someone very like her Dad... we all do to an extent it's ingrained human nature.

OP I dont know how you cope living with someone and not speaking for months on end, it makes me miserable if me and dh carry an argument on over a couple of days. I think life is too short to live the way are you living, and something has got to change. Do you still love your DH, would you actually want to stay with him if he agreed to counselling? I cant see how you would salvage this relationship after so many years of misery

@RandomMess DD is a strong girl and I really do believe she wont make the same mistake as I have.

I grew up in an atmosphere like this. It was fine when my parents were speaking but there’s be silences for weeks or months. It cast a shadow over summers, Christmas etc.

My parents have now been married 50 years. The moods and silences haven’t completely stopped but are less frequent.

And I did marry someone abusive...

Oh OP my heart is very sad having read this thread.
Firstly, I grew up with parents who weren’t happy, didn’t have a healthy marriage and sadly that did very much impact me. Not in the obvious way (I didn’t end up with someone like my dad), but growing up in a household where there was no healthy communication between the two adults left me I’ll equipped as I moved into my adult relationships.

I didn’t see my parents argue and kiss and make up healthily. I didn’t see healthy conflict and healthy resolution. That left me with limited communication skills within intimate relationships and more worryingly with a real fear of conflict.

I am a very strong personality and relatively intelligent. So I over compensated and it wasn’t until a very important relationship failed and I went into counselling did I fully comprehend just how much of what I had seen I had internalised.
To this day (in my 40’s) I have to fight my inate response when faced with a difficult situation. And that is to clam up and not communicate openly and healthily.

I’m sorry OP but please do not think that your DD is not being affected by this. She will have normalised this dynamic internally.

But your DD aside. Why are you sacrificing your life in this way? Your DH and you must be utterly miserable. Can I ask, what reasons has your DH given to refuse counselling?

Is he depressed? Or more worryingly, is he hiding something? Such that it suits him to not talk to you/ be intimate with you?

You are misguided if you believe it is better to stay for your daughters sake. This will impact on her greatly,even if you do not believe this now yourself. Separation would be best for all of you.

Oh I’m sorry op that sounds like an awful atmosphere to be living in

I’m sure you don’t need another voice chiming in to say you deserve better, I bet you already know.

I can understand you not wanting to disrupt dd’s schooling at her age, are you getting things sorted for yourself?

OP in the gentlest possible way I think this marriage sounds dead. Is it time to sit him down and say that its obvious neither of you are happy and its time to decide whether there is anything left to salvage or whether this has to come to an end. You've got one life OP. Give yourself a better life and a chance of being happy by moving on.

This really upsets me. I have always said that he's showing DD that its OK for man to speak to his wife the way DH speaks to me. He always tells me its my fault.
Reading the thread back, I know what I need to do, but i'll do it when it does not effect DD studies and I can start putting a plan together.

I thought I could stay with my ex for the kids. A DS taking A Levels and a DD in year 11. I was on the verge of a breakdown with all the pretense and emotional abuse. One day I got strong and threw him out and from that day it got better. The kids got through it, I got through it. My only regret is that I tolerated his coldness for so long.
You and your DD will be fine.

You can't go on like this.
It was seven years ago and my kids went to Uni and are doing well.
Good luck.

@jb291 I agree, the marriage is dead. We did talk about divorce in August but he said he couldn't move out because he could not afford to rent anywhere else (and pay the mortgage and school fees). He wont sit and talk to me, the divorce will happen without us talking to each other.

@Cary2012 i'm so happy it worked out for you. it gives me hope!

If your husband won't pay up his share of the school fees you could use some of your equity from the house.

Your relationship sounds awful. My DH wouldn't go a day sulking and not talking to me. It's not a great example for a young girl. My sister was in an awful relationship. My niece is now in a much less than ideal one. When her boyfriend's faults are gently pointed out to her, she says, "Well at least he's not as bad as my Dad". You are setting your daughter a pretty low bar.

Good luck OP. Be strong. You will know what is best for everyone.

Op I don't say this lightly but in your situation I would tell dh our marriage is over and move into the spare room if any. Then I would start meeting new people via hobbies and consider dating again. You need conversation, laughter, fun and love or at least to be liked by others. You need the company of other adults who like you and respect you.

You CANNOT live like this without it seriously and irreversibly harming your physical, mental and emotional health. Believe me I've been there. I ended my 11 year old marriage after realising NOTHING was worth risking my health for. My son needs me alive and well. Please weigh this up versus staying in this awful situation. Your daughter needs a healthy and happy mum more than she needs her home and school.

Oh Ruby I'm sorry. I think you at least need to sit down and have another talk with your husband and make clear that the situation cannot go no as it is. Time to go and see a solicitor and at least establish where you stand. If you don't want to stay married to this man then you don't have to. Can the property be sold and the equity split, enabling you both to move on?

I am not from the UK and don’t understand why getting a divorce means that your daughter needs to change schools. Is it because your financial situation would change and you couldn’t afford it or because the school would have a moral or religious objection to you being divorced? (I am assuming it is the first reason.) Kids are much more resilient than you think. I would talk to a counselor about whether it it is healthier for her to grow up watching her parents in a relationship like this or to change schools. Please get back to me, as I suspect your description is a bit like looking into a crystal ball for me. I am starting to take matters into my own hands to make a life possible for myself. (I hope!)

You think divorcing and leaving the house will affect your daughter adversely? Are you deluded? Making her live in a situation whereby her parents ignore each I there I n and off for years is worse. You must be blind if you can't see that. Behaviour is repeated by the DC of abusive parents.

My aunt and uncle have a marriage like this, they’re in their 70s now and neither will leave. My cousins didn’t have the option of uni, they both married as soon as they could to get away from home, the marriages broke down and they both lurched from one disastrous relationship to another. Do you want this for your DD? Get out now and make a happy life for yourself and her. Relationships and happiness are much more important than what house you live in.