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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

when do you give up?

70 replies

RubyRed12 · 24/11/2018 18:33

DH and I are not talking. Its been a couple of weeks and he ignores me completely (i have made no effort to speak to him either). The non talking can go on for months and its been happening a lot of the the last 5 / 6 years. This year there have been at least 3 occasions of non-talking (excluding this one). We hardly spoke during June, July and August this year which i feel ruined the Summer for my DD15 and me.
I feel really angry with him and am fed up that he can go months without saying anything to me. My anger at the moment is keeping me from being upset but when that passes i get really upset and feel worthless. I dont think he loves me anymore and i think we are only staying together until DD goes to Uni.
I am self employed and work part-time from home so I dont always have the distraction he has with work, the last 6 months or so he's had to work abroad for 4-5 days so that keeps him busy and its likely to continue in the new year.
Any advise on what to do? How i should handle this? I feel my life is passing me by and im not happy. I've just turned 51.

OP posts:
Thebluedog · 24/11/2018 19:31

Op, the silent treatment is his way of putting you in your place, it’s a way to control you and is abusive.

Do you want to teach your dd that it’s ok for her to be treated like that by a man? Trust me, she’ll be far happier if you separate. Do it now before she leaves for uni, you’ve more chance if staying in the house whilst he leaves.

lanbro · 24/11/2018 19:31

Well I left because I didn't want my kids growing up in a house of arguments, they were 4&5. I don't imagine it's any less worse growing up in a house of silence between parents so I recommend leaving a clearly dead marriage for the sake of your daughter

Original poster
RubyRed12 · 24/11/2018 19:33

@victoriaBun
He cooks for himself and eats after me and DD have eaten (because he is on his laptop working).
We share the bills, I earn less but pay nearly all bills except mortgage.
Not many visitors, usually my family. If we are not talking he does not come down to speak to them
We share a bed, but i am usually asleep before he comes up and he leaves early in the morning before my alarm goes off

OP posts:
SylvesterTheCat · 24/11/2018 19:34

If you wait until she leaves for uni she will remember you both in this period of unhappiness. Personally I wouldn't want to come back to that. If you do it now you at least have more of a chance of her wanting to come back and see you.

Also going to uni is a huge step too. Do you want to put her through misery thinking of you back home going through a horrible time?

PumpkinPie2016 · 24/11/2018 19:34

Why would your daughter have to leave her school? If it's fees you're thinking of then surely you and her dad still pay whatever you do now? Even if you split, she is still his daughter and he still has to pay for her.

Plus, she could look elsewhere for sixth form? Lots of kids do.

To be honest, I would look at separating, even if you don't divorce straight away as the situation doesn't sound healthy for any of you.

Armadillostoes · 24/11/2018 19:35

It sounds a horrible life for you and your DD. Also what is this modelling to her about adult relationships and self-worth?

Lovingbenidorm · 24/11/2018 19:38

While I agree with everyone who is saying it’s over, divorce, I’m also really concerned about 15yo dd.
If a split meant she had to move home and school I’d be more inclined to say “sort yourselves out ffs. Could you possibly grow up enough to at least be civil to one another?!”
Dd is in her GCSE year and probably stressed up to her eyeballs, the last thing she needs is you 2 playing playgrounds.
Is there a possibility she can go elsewhere for 6th form?

TeenTimesTwo · 24/11/2018 19:38

Is she y10 or y11?

If y11, keep going until end June (potentially giving notice quietly to the school at the end of Easter term).
If y10 then harder.
Don't keep this up beyond GCSEs, it's too much imo.

DPotter · 24/11/2018 19:45

Why would she have to leave her school ?

Not asking to be awkward - but her other parent would still be required to financially support her which could mean paying her school fees.
A couple of things to consider -
an unhappy home life is fair more unhealthy than having to change schools
you and your DH are giving your DD a very poor lesson in healthy relationships - this will last long after she's left school

many young people change schools, especially between GCSEs and A levels. This could be an option

You have a choice in how you relate to your DH, your DD can only sit and watch. She's powerless - this is a very unhealthy situation for her mental health to put you DD in

A question for you - do you really think she will be able to perform to the best of her ability for the next 3 years with the awful atmosphere she is living in? If you think she can - you need to sit down and take a long hard look at yourself.

You and your DH aren't talking - so you need to start talking - to your DD, your family and friends, a solicitor. Talking about options with other people will make them more real, more possible.

HollowTalk · 24/11/2018 19:54

Ugh I couldn't bear to live like this. I'd try to force him to speak by just not coming home for a while, but I suppose that's difficult if you have a child together.

It doesn't matter what your daughter says - this is a really horrible environment for her to live in. Could you afford for her to stay in school until sixth form and then go to the local college?

I can't believe you're sleeping in the same bed with someone who isn't talking to you. Isn't there anywhere else at all that you could sleep?

DistanceCall · 24/11/2018 20:08

Stop doing this to your daughter. Growing up in a household in which your parents don't speak to each other is horrible, and has long-lasting consequences (I had a relative to whom this happened).

If you can't divorce right now because of the timing for your daughter, stop having arguments with her father. Assume inwardly that you will be divorcing once this is over, your relationship is done, and start getting things ready for then. And talk to a counsellor if you need to.

Rudgie47 · 24/11/2018 20:08

How miserable, you must be really lonely, its worse than being single.
Split up with him,never mind DD and what she wants, you are entitled to a life as well you know.
I don't see why she cant still go to the Independent school?

Original poster
RubyRed12 · 24/11/2018 20:11

Thank you again for all your replies.
DD does not want to leave her school and I really couldn't take the one thing that she really does love away from her and i'm prepared to take his crap for another 3 years if it means she is happier.
I wanted to know if its normal for a man to behave like this and I guess the answer is no. He has no respect for me and does not love me. Never during any of this non-talking has he ever apologised or tried to start talking to me first. I have suggested counselling but its dismissed.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 24/11/2018 20:11

You need to book mediation to discuss divorce with your H how can you split and her stay at school until the end of year 11, how much equity is there, what could you afford to buy with your share. What are your respective pensions worth and so on.,.

Divorce is inevitable so just get on with it. Stop teaching your DC that this is what to do in marriage Sad

katseyes7 · 24/11/2018 20:14

AgathaRaisinsCat That's a very valid point, and l believe if both people want to be in/save the relationship, it would help. However l was in that situation with my ex husband, and if he wasn't speaking to me (which happened quite a lot) he would have totally ignored me and refused to interact, even to discuss discussing it, if you see what l mean.
Everything was on his terms. Which is why he's now an ex.

katseyes7 · 24/11/2018 20:19

RubyRed12 l'm so sorry you're in this situation, it absolutely is not normal. My ex husband would just refuse to speak to me full stop, for weeks on end. 'Discussing' going for mediation or counselling in that situation is not an option, as they simply ignore you.
l'm sorry l can't suggest anything else. Do you really think you and your daughter could cope with another three years of this? l found the longer it went on, the more normalised it became, no matter how bad it got.
l really hope you can find a solution. Your priorities are your daughter and yourself. hugs

Schlecky · 24/11/2018 20:28

OP there is nothing that says you would HAVE to move or she would HAVE to change school etc. Why are you assuming all this??

RangeRider · 24/11/2018 20:29

I wanted to know if its normal for a man to behave like this and I guess the answer is no
I don't think you can blame him alone. You've said that you ignore him back. Given that you've been like this for 5-6 years already I'd be inclined to say stick it out while DD is at school but spend the time getting yourself more financially secure, saving, planning, and so on so that once she's got her exams over you're ready to kick into action immediately. She's worth prioritising, particularly since you've let it drag on when you could have sorted it out and moved on ages ago (both of you, not just you)

RangeRider · 24/11/2018 20:30

And you might actually feel better about it knowing that it's for a specified time & you have a definite out at the end.

Allthewaves · 24/11/2018 20:32

If your set on sticking it out I'd move into separate bedroom and start building own life

Sarcelle · 24/11/2018 20:36

I would have to split up, your DD is already being damaged by both of your behaviour. You said you think your life is passing you by, that's because it is. You are not happy, why would you be? Of course you love your daughter and want the best for her but being in this destructive marriage is not doing her any good, or you, or him for that matter.

If you genuinely think you must stick it out with him for 3 years, tell him that you would like a divorce in three years but for the sake of your DD you would like to stay together but live separately under the same room until then.

Original poster
RubyRed12 · 24/11/2018 20:36

@Katseyes DH spends most of the week at work and when he's not there he is in his study working. DD is usually with me and we have dinner together, watch TV together and I encourage her to talk about her feelings. When DH is abroad for work DD and I really enjoy the time he is away. He sends DD a text most nights he's away to say good night but other than that he does not contact us. The thing that really hurts is that he blames everything on me, everything is my fault, he takes no responsibility at all. He leaves me feeling that I am nothing.

OP posts:
Original poster
RubyRed12 · 24/11/2018 20:42

@RangeRider I take some of the blame myself, but I am happy to be angry with each other for a couple of hours and then move on. He is the one that will continue not talking to me. Plus, there are 2 people fighting and arguing and must I be the one to start talking to him everytime - maybe that is why he does not talk because he knows I will be the one to start talking first, even if its been a few months of silence.

OP posts:
Jack65 · 24/11/2018 20:42

Please stop wasting your life and start living. It is never the right time to separate. Your daughter will feel guilty later on in life for being selfish and not wanting better things for her mother. And the example of life and relationships you are giving to your daughter is not one you would want for your daughter but is the example she is given, so the chances are she will end up in an abusive relationship.

Schlecky · 24/11/2018 20:42

So divorce. There are no down sides. The school and house thing can be negotiated. Honestly just sit and stare him in the face and say "I want you to leave I want a divorce" or change the locks whilst he's abroad. Honestly he clearly needs a short sharp shock to get the hint you're not going to live like this.