Is my partner being to hard on our 3 year old?

[Zizismummy]

I have a son who turned 3 In July and he can count but sometimes forgets numbers so he might say 1,2,34,6,7,8,9,12 for example but mainly misses out 5 . His dad thinks he is behind because he can't do it right every single time and because of that he has become very strict with our son and makes him do numbers every day , tells him he won't get Christmas presents if he can't count from 1 to 5 three times in a row and basiacally takes all the fun out of learning . I am not concerned in the slightest because his nursery teacher tells me he is doing just fine.
He has always been very advanced with certain things like he learnt to ride a bike without stabilisers aged 2 and he can swim without arm bands but he was a slow talker and never really said numbers or colours etc until about 6 months ago .

His dad says that I'm letting him fall behind but I really just dont think it's a huge deal and I think at his age learning should be fun so I'll sing number songs and dance with him or count his cars or something like that but I don't really sit him down and say count to 10 or do number books etc , am I wrong ?

I wouldn't let anyone intimidate a child like that, threatening them etc. He is a bad bully.

Poor kid. He’s getting the message his father has decided he needs to be perfect age 3.

What a horrible, vile, bully! Poor little boy. I hope you defend your son op!

1,2,3,fuckoff...hang him upside down off monkey bars at the park..you only get to be a child for a very short time.

Growing up with a fear of doing anything wrong is a horrible thing to live with. I know adults who've grown up with that and it really is so deeply ingrained.

As I say to my idiot of an ex, you need to make mistakes to build character. Something he hasnt yet grasped.

Cant get over the victim blaming of everyone saying "why are you letting him?"

OP is not responsible for this man's benaviour! She can express her displeasure and disagreement but she can't monitor and control every interaction between the child and their father.

As others have suggested, he sounds quite unpleasant so there may be more to this.

Being generous, maybe he feels like he underachieved academically and has anxiety about his son doing the same? If this sort of thing is out of character for him and if the OP has a good relationship with him then maybe she could help him explore this. It's hard to suggest things without knowing if they live together and what he is like generally

Thanks for all the responses.

I am not letting him do it which is why we have come to heads and are in disagreement about it but he is adamant that I am wrong and as it's my first child i don't have many friends with children so I thought let me ask on here to make sure I am right.

Based on all the responses it's obviously a bigger problem than I first thought and I will ensuring it stops completely.

On another note he is also a very kind nuturing dad and he does adore our son I think he just speaks to the wrong people and also he wants his son to have a better education than he had however how has gone about it is completely wrong but I also don't think it's fair to call him abusive at all .

But rest assured my son is safe and happy and I will continue to do my silly dancing and singing with him and his dad can let me do the teaching.

Thanks all . No more comments are necessary as I am no longer doubting myself at all .

This is emotional abuse and will probably make your little boy feel really anxious. Get rid of the giant bellend!

My ds was still doing this when he was about to start school - with him, it was 17 that always got forgotten, when he counted to 20.

We made a game of it - one day, while we were waiting to pick up his brothers from school, we practised counting to 20, and every time he remembered 17, he got a tic-tac. It worked - and for years 17 was known as “the tic-tac number”!

@Zizismummy - could you suggest a similar approach to your dh - tell him that the carrot is usually better than the stick.

That's really not going to help your son develop a love of learning and it's also a terrible way of behaving around with a 3 year old.

Do you feel able to talk to your partner about it? Would it help to check out child development books together?

Because that behaviour needs to stop asap and that little boy needs someone to stand up for him and make sure his father treats him well and fairly and with loving care.

Good that you've been able to clarify to yourself that you're in the right, OP. Good luck.

I remember my most frequent statement to ds1's dad was "He's only 3" (followed by "He's only 4", but after that we split up and parenting suddenly became much easier).

He had a fixed idea of what ds1 should be capable of which wasn't realistic. In his case I think he'd forgotten what 3 and 4 year olds can actually be expected to do/behave.

I recently saw a young child and Dad cycling and the Dad was encouraging said child up a slope, but in such a way that the child was close to tears. The tone of voice was very "you will do this because I've told you to". It struck me that a mother's approach would be more "wow, you're doing so great I think you can get up this hill without stopping" and would be more likely to result in a happy child even if they didn't make it.

That's a good update OP. I think he just needs some pointers in how to teach maths and the latest thinking in that case.

As someone said, maybe nursery can help and how him how its done and the important bit

U could explain to him that we all learn at different rates and times. Is he going to spend the rest of your sons life punishing him? What is more important : confidence, feeling supported and accepted or “being up to date” with learning. Poor child

There's no denying that he IS indeed very, very behind and will struggle massively if he isn't quickly brought up to speed and made to understand his serious shortcomings.

Maybe some intensive parenting classes and possibly thorough training in people skills might help to address this.

On the plus side, though, your son, in stark contrast, sounds like he's doing really well and is being brought up and encouraged excellently by one of his parents at least.

Can only echo what the others have said.
You have to step up, he may end up hating his bullying father but hate his mum more for not protecting him.

😂😂😂 this has made me laugh out loud

Thank you

Crossposted, glad you are sorting it.

Ask the dickhead to recite the first 40 prime numbers, or the first 40digits of pi before you have sex with him. Shouldn't be too hard for an adult brainbox and will be just as meaningless as expecting a three year old to recall a string of words that presently have no meaning for him.

Those saying that it's normal for children to miss out numbers when counting and suggesting ways children can learn are rather missing the point.

It's totally irrelevant if it's normal or not. It matters not if every other 3 year old is capable of counting to 100 without hesitation, it's irrelevant.

Your DH is a nasty bully who is being incredibly cruel to a very young child.

Your DS is just starting out in life and this is going to be some of his first learning experiences of the world around him. I couldn't sit by and listen to this happening to my child.

If your DH thinks this is the way a child should be 'encouraged' to learn, his methods are just going to get more unpleasant as your DS get older. Is your DH setting out to crush your child's spirit.

Update - I decided to talk about it straight away and we are in the car now so I calmly explained to him why what he is doing is so wrong and damaging and quoted some of your helpful comments and he has taken it alot better than I thought.

He said he didn't realise he was coming across to harsh and strict and he feels that growing up he would have done so much better in school if his parents had paid attention and helped him when he wasn't doing so well etc etc
So anyway I said when he is older and he needs guidance and homework support etc then of course you will step up but for now let him learn at his own pace and have fun.
Phew

Thanks all

Just seen your update OP. Good to hear.

That's quite a turn around from "you won't get any Christmas presents".

I’m glad you’ve said something, op.

Your son is doing better than me at riding a bike. I’m in my fifties and can’t balance without stabilisers!

My son used to skip no. 5 when he was counting. He did this for ages, but we never made a big deal of it. He also used to mix up 'b' and 'd' when writing and had other small quirks. I was worried at the time that he was dyslexic but his teachers said he was fine ..... And he was.
He is now in 2nd year in Oxford, studying economics and management.

Putting a child of three under pressure like that is ridiculous and will probably do more harm than good.