To make my son move out?

[WeirdHandDryers]

He’s almost 18. Since leaving school he’s done nothing other than a 2 day a week college course (which has suddenly become half a day a week). He’s been arrested once for assault and once for affray - still awaiting the outcome on this one. He’s also been “spoken to” twice for having relations with underage girls (aged 13-15). He’s stolen from us, lied, takes drugs and has attacked my husband (not his dad). He sees his dad once a fortnight but won’t let him live there as his fiancé is afraid of him.
I’ve told him that he either gets a job, apprenticeship or proper college course by January or he has to move out. He’s fine nothing in the way of sorting this.
He self harms and is seeing Cahms once a week.

He goes out almost every night abd sometimes doesn’t come home until early hours meaning we can’t go to bed when we want to (he can’t have a key as he can’t be trusted). He also comes home early (6am -8sm ) meaning we have to get up to let him in. It’s exhausting me. He has no income so we’re paying for everything and he won’t even keep his own room decent, never mind help out with the rest of the house.
AIBU to actually go ahead and kick him out? He’s young in his head and I feel so guilty but I can’t go on like this. While he’s here having everything paid for etc he will never learn or have the incentive to do anything. I feel we have no option but to let him find his own way in the adult world.

Is he capable of things? Does he have learning difficulties e.t.c. My kids are young but having see my brother have no respect for my parents and causing all kinds of issues I would give him 1 to 3 months to get a job or smarten up or he's out. Do not give him money, if he has any benefits take some from him for food and rent, a percentage of what he gets in benefits or salary. You are teaching him nothing and enabling his behaviour. 18 is still a child, he will moan, kick up a fuss and sulk. If violence is involved he is out. You have to stick to your guns and never waiver. He is an adult and can look after himself. I would not be putting up with that shit, it effects everything around you. My step son has been told that he can now get a part time job to fund his clothes, shoes and social habits. If he doesn't get a job he doesn't get to have any money todo his thing. Your situation isn't going to get better and if you do kick him out make sure you are not funding him so he can have his own place and carry on as normal because he's lost his job. You help people out but they have to show some kind of willing too

He's not just your son. The Ex can be involved too and accept some responsibility. So it's okay for him to stay at yours but not at the ex's because of his fiancé, so you are left dealing with it all.

As for the self harming. He needs help and support with that. Why is he self harming?

Ok I don't think I could kick him out if he's self harming and under CAHMS, although the drugs won't be helping that. I would stop funding him though, make his life less cushy. Feed him with the rest of the family but no extra money.

Ime your ds needs you now more than ever.
And you would regret throwing him out. You stop giving him money, make plans with him to stay in, a meal, film, keep trying to get through to him.
What do you think would happen if you chucked him out? Drug dealing? Stealing? Worse?
He is still young and needs you.
Ime.

Why is it that Dads can choose not to have their children but Mums have to pick up the pieces all the time?
It's no wonder your son has issues if his Dad puts his girlfriend ahead of him.

Is there any chance of all three of you sitting down together and talking this through. Getting some more equitable arrangement so you at least get a break from it.

Whilst on the face of it , your son is being a lazy fucker, with mental health issues I'd be wary of leaving him to fend for himself. I also think that just what these issues are will be key to how you respond to him so it's difficult for us as outsiders to really offer advice.

Why hasnt he got a curfew? If he isnt home at a certain time, leave him outside! why do
You not phone the police if he breaks the law?

What have been the consequences of his absolutely appalling behaviour so far in his life (relations with a 13 year old child?? Really????? What minimising op!). Im assuming he didnt get to 17 and suddenly start behaving poorly.

Have you actually parented at all?

Why the hell am i reading so many threads today of people raising such disrespectful thugs?!

Have you posted about him before ? I remember the underage girls thing. That is shocking and probably the only aspect that would harden my heart completely.

The other stuff sounds like he is very troubled and unless he has somewhere decent to go if you kick him out he will spiral into homelessness and/or crime.

I really feel for you and am struggling to know what to suggest. I have an 18yo who is currently very difficult to love but this is on another level.

CD, that is a very cruel victim-blaming response.

Oh and yes, not a penny more should you be funding him. Warm house, food. That is it.

Well - his behaviour reflects his experiences during his childhood.

So are you reasonable to fail to provide the necessary environment to produce a functioning and well adjusted adult and then kick him out because he behaves in the way in which someone who has had a bad childhood behaves?

Well, yes you are.

Well FFS, he has a brother who is doing very well at university and is a lovely lad so I’m afraid your bad childhood explanation falls flat.

Helpful

Why is it that Dads can choose not to have their children but Mums have to pick up the pieces all the time?

There does seem to be an awful lot of this ... and it really sucks. If his fiancee can't cope, then perhaps fiancee needs to move out for a while he steps up and supports his own child who clearly needs help and firm boundaries.

I wouldn't allow him to stay in the house, though, if he's doing drugs and coming and going at all hours while you support him financially. Cut him off. Tell him to get a job. And call the police if he breaks the law with underage girls, drugs, affray ... not calling the police is making it worse.

Please don't kick him out. I was a terrible teenager....on the dole from the age of 18 to 20. I was depressed and lost. I needed help to find my path.

Where's your son getting his money from? Do you give him money? My Mum stopped completely....and eventually I HAD to get a job.

It always somewhat surprises me that in these situations the parent thinks that kicking the child out will make them suddenly become responsible. It doesn’t work that way. He will sofa surf, probably take more drugs, get into more trouble. Probably end up either in prison or on the streets. If that’s what you want then go ahead and kick him out.

It sounds like he has a lot of issues and, for whatever reason, the foundations to live a good life weren’t built up in his younger years. That’s why ultimatums aren’t working now. You need to go back to the root cause of all of this and work through it with him. Then he might stand a chance. Or you can just give up on him.

Sometimes people can have lovely, well balanced upbringings and still be cunts. People have different personalities.

YWNBU to ask him to leave. If you can afford it, I would find him somewhere to live and pay the deposit/first months rent. Give him the forms to fill out for benefits and any documents he might need then send him on his way. Say he is welcome to visit/come for dinner a couple of times a week as long as he is pleasent.

Then you will have done all you can. The rest is up to him.

Beware

Why should Dad's fiancee have to move out of her own house that she presumably contributes to? To accomodate an adult who abuses children and is intimidating to her? No way would I agree to that.

My immediate response is he stops getting money from you. No spending money, nothing. If he doesn’t have money to go out / stay out / drink or whatever else he’s doing he’ll have to grow up fast. I would do that first and then say he has to get a proper job and pay some rent otherwise he needs to find somewhere else to live. Tough love and all that!

Is there any chance of all three of you sitting down together and talking this through. Getting some more equitable arrangement so you at least get a break from it.

^^ I strongly agree with the above. You made reasonable requests and your DS has ignored them. This is something that the 3 of you need to settle together (involve the fiancé if it is likely to affect her).

Your DS's actions are likely to land him in an institution where there will be negligible support for his MH issues. It's likely that things would go from bad to worse for him.

OP can still offer support for college, job applications, DWP stuff, housing etc while he is living away.

Regular phone calls, emails, visits etc. It might be less fraught and easier for him to accept help while not under the same roof.

What an awful situation for you to be in! I don't think it's unreasonable for you to kick him out, but with his self harming would probably make you worry more.

Sounds like he needs some seriously tough love.

I would try and treat him more like a lodger? If he can't pay around the house then he should be helping out, if he doesn't do that then he should have any privelledges taken away! How can he afford to go out all night for so long. I'd also give him a curfew and not get up to let him in.

It's easy for someone not in the situation to comment though. Sounds like you need some help? Could you maybe work with social services or the princes trust?

Hope things improve for you xxx

I had the most abusive childhood went to uni and did really well for myself. Nothing to do with my parents who, like you, buried their heads in the sand. Your son is 18, has MH issues, and has been left to his own devices while you and your ex build and choose other families. For once, just once, he needs someone to choose him. If he doesn’t like your husband is there any way you can rent a place seperately to get him back on the straight and narrow?

He is acting out because he has nothing to do. Tell him he has a month to get a full time job or he is out

Where will he go?

I wouldn't throw him out but I would cut all funding to him immediately. If he doesn't get a job asap, I'd cut his phone too but give him a timeline for that, say a month. He should keep his room tidy too.

It's hard work when your kids fail to launch into adulthood, he's still young though, don't give up on him. It would be helpful for cahms to know about his drug use, might they be able to help with a job?