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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To hate my mum telling me she loves me morning, noon and night?

54 replies

Saminsachs · 23/11/2018 21:08

For context - I live abroad, so I don't see my mum very often at all - once every few years. But she messages me every morning saying 'Morning! Love you!' then constantly throughout the day, then in the evening before she goes to bed 'Night! Love you!'

She then hovers online, waiting for me to reply, so I'll say 'Night!' and leave it as that. Thing is, truth be told...I don't love her, she was a nightmare alcoholic growing up, who was a miserable mother who seemed to hate being a parent and was always, and still is, a massive, condescending snob.

And how can she love me...she doesn't even know me! It actually turns my stomach and it really, seriously irritates me.

Is it just needy? Insecurity? Guilt, maybe? I don't know, but how can I make her stop?!

Thanks!

OP posts:

Sarahrose21 · 23/11/2018 21:45

YABVVU I lost my mum 4 years ago to cancer, i would give anything to hear her say she loved me just once more

OliviaBenson · 23/11/2018 21:48

I'm sorry for your loss sarahrose but it's extremely unfair to make such a comment like that.

Op, yanbu. I grew up in similar circumstances and it would make my skin crawl now to have those texts.

whateveryousay · 23/11/2018 21:48

Sarahrose, I’m sorry you lost your mum, but not all mums are nice.

OP, why not just tell her? If you don’t love her anyway?

Fightthebear · 23/11/2018 21:48

YADNBU

She sounds a terrible mother and really needy. I wouldn’t reply so frequently, no need to be held to ransom.

Alpacanorange · 23/11/2018 21:50

I’m sorry for your loss Sarah, I really am. But having a decent mum love you and leave you early is not the same as having a shit mother pretend she loves you when it suits you, she is probably lonely and wants confirmation that you feel something for her. Which as you say, you are strangers, I get it. Some parents are shit and worse than really good parents who sadly die early because as least there is someone who loved you, with good reason for missing them.

Alpacanorange · 23/11/2018 21:51

I meant suits HER

ContessaHallelujahSparklehorse · 23/11/2018 21:51

I imagine she feels guilty for being shit when you were younger (she may never admit it but still) and is trying to make up for it. if you say it back then she can tell herself it's all alright really and that her mismanagement had no lasting ill effect.

Pretty sure that was my own mother's thought process when she did it, anyway....

thighofrelief · 23/11/2018 21:53

Hmmm, made me think this one. I tell my adult kids i love them a lot. It's love ya rather than i love you. For me i suppose there's a bit of fear that someone might walk under a bus without me having said it. It's almost a punctuation i suppose rather than a heartfelt outpouring.

Moominfan · 23/11/2018 21:56

Could she be seeking redemption op? Is there any space for a relationship of any kind? If not I'd reduce contact until they get the hint

SmallDalek · 23/11/2018 21:56

Sarahrose21. Really sorry for your loss but I don’t feel you can compare your situation of losing your DM to saminsachs who is being lovebombed by a parent who seemed to resent motherhood and who she describes as a nightmare. I do think her behaviour is needy and insecure. Maybe she realised how she let you down. Or maybe she wants validation that she wasn’t so bad by constantly putting you in a situation where you could ‘forgive her’ by responding that you love her too. It sounds overwhelming and very needy and is I imagine bloody infuriating. I don’t have any great ideas about how to stop this apart from blocking her but hopefully someone with some good suggestions will come along soon. Just want to say YANBU. Is not normal behaviour.

gamerchick · 23/11/2018 21:59

Sometimes I think on these threads posters will just read the title before posting about how you should be lucky you still have a mother.

Just carry on as you are with the night OP. Don't feel obliged, she has to live with her own shit.

Shadow1234 · 23/11/2018 22:03

I do think she is probably over-compensating now, to try and make up for the terrible time she gave you growing up. (not saying that this is right). perhaps the guilt is making her feel compelled to reach out to you. perhaps she had her own issues to deal with growing up and this impacted on her life as a parent. Without knowing why she became an alcoholic or why she was always miserable, its very hard to understand
why she behaves like this. If on the other hand, she had a perfect life but just chose to be nasty, then that would be a different kettle of fish.

AhoyDelBoy · 23/11/2018 22:03

Is it just needy? Insecurity? Guilt, maybe?
All three probably. This sounds beyond irritating, I do feel for you as I have issues with my mother as well so I know what it’s like.
@Sarahrose21 🥇 dick comment of the thread, and the first comment as well.
I lost my Dad to cancer also. Ten years ago this coming Christmas Day. That’s got fuck all to do with the OP though.

ContessaHallelujahSparklehorse · 23/11/2018 22:03

P.S. My own mother died 5 years ago and I think I'd still be pretty irritated by the post-hoc apologies if she were briefly resurrected in order to fling a few more of them my way. I get that she felt bad over it, but it does not take a genius to work out that you don't emotionally and physically abuse people, particularly your own kids.

DistanceCall · 23/11/2018 22:20

She is probably counting on you taking care of her at some point, so she is trying to pretend that you have a great relationship and everything is hunky dory.

I would ignore, to be honest. Or even block her. She can send you an email or call if she actually needs something.

colettetatou · 23/11/2018 22:26

I wonder if it's some kind of compulsive behaviour? Could be OCD? e.g If she doesn't say it she thinks something bad will happen to you? Does she have any other obsessive traits? If you don't reply it might break the cycle. I'm sorry you had/have a difficult relationship with her.

Rosethistle7 · 23/11/2018 22:28

Could you talk to your Mum about this? Without saying that you don't love her- just mention that you had a difficult childhood with her alcoholism and find it a bit difficult that she texts you so often?

StoppinBy · 23/11/2018 22:29

I feel you. Both my parents were abusive. Both physically and mentally.

The last time my Mum tried to hug me it made my skin crawl and I simply could not bring myself to reciprocate. That was quite a few years ago now and it would be worse now.

YANBU at all. Even though they are your parents they still need to earn the trust and love they think they deserve and sadly once the damage is done it is very very hard to undo.

Ohyesiam · 23/11/2018 22:29

Op, it doesn’t sound like your mum has earned your trust, respect or love. If her contacting you takes up a lot of your energy / mental space, it’s of to distance yourself by limiting replies, or any other way that feels right to you.
Sorry to hear she didn’t meet your needs, that’s a tough start in life.

kooshbin · 23/11/2018 22:29

Why is there almost always at least one poster who trots out that line. It belittles the experiences of those of us who didn't have loving parents.

OP - presumably you respond just the once each day? Does your mother ever comment on how little you respond? It sounds as though she's messaging just for her own benefit, with little concern about you.

What would happen if you didn't respond for a couple of days or a week?

I'm sure you already know this, but you are allowed to block her. And, quite frankly, that's what I would do in your circumstances. She's not being genuine in saying she loves you. If she was really sorry for being a shitty parent, she'd have already said so.

LoudJazzHands · 23/11/2018 22:32

Sometimes I think on these threads posters will just read the title before posting about how you should be lucky you still have a mother.

Yup. No one ever posts on threads from women wanting to leave their abusive partners saying "YABVU. My DH died x years ago and I wish I still had a DH to...."

PyongyangKipperbang · 23/11/2018 22:32

And how can she love me...she doesn't even know me!

She loves the fantasy of you, or rather of your relationship. How close you would be if only you didntlive abroad.....such a shame. Except you (and deep down, she) know that it wouldnt be like that.

The only way you can get her to stop is by telling her straight that you dont love her after the appalling childhood you had and that you dont want her to keep telling you this. But it will probably spell the end of your relationship with her. Only you can decide if thats a good or bad thing.

Dollymixture22 · 23/11/2018 22:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fightthebear · 23/11/2018 22:47

Dolly - oh dear god.

TornFromTheInside · 23/11/2018 22:51

Maybe she's overdoing things a little, and we can never really know the motives behind it, but it's perfectly possible that later in life she's come to value things she hadn't done previously.

Perhaps she regrets her previous relationship with you, or her lack on appreciation for you. Perhaps she's coming to terms with her own mortality and learning to express her feelings more. Maybe she's just trying to create a stronger bond with you (and overdoing it, albeit with good intentions).

There will come a day when you will no longer have a choice about whether to enjoy her messages or find them tiresome. She'll be gone forever.
I'd say give her the benefit of the doubt - it's a very small price to pay to cope with her messages. In the grand scheme of parental issues, this is nothing.

Maybe, just maybe she DOES love you. And if she doesn't? She's at least thinking of you enough to bother to message you.

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