To hate my mum telling me she loves me morning, noon and night?

[Saminsachs]

For context - I live abroad, so I don't see my mum very often at all - once every few years. But she messages me every morning saying 'Morning! Love you!' then constantly throughout the day, then in the evening before she goes to bed 'Night! Love you!'

She then hovers online, waiting for me to reply, so I'll say 'Night!' and leave it as that. Thing is, truth be told...I don't love her, she was a nightmare alcoholic growing up, who was a miserable mother who seemed to hate being a parent and was always, and still is, a massive, condescending snob.

And how can she love me...she doesn't even know me! It actually turns my stomach and it really, seriously irritates me.

Is it just needy? Insecurity? Guilt, maybe? I don't know, but how can I make her stop?!

Thanks!

Sarahrose21, Dollymixture22,
You're lucky that you can't imagine what it's like to have a mum that's hard to like, let alone love. You know there are bad people in the world, yes? You know some of them will procreate? They won't become nice people just because they gave birth!
Drives me mad that some people seem to think bad mums can't exist

Love bombing when it's way too late. I'm NC with one parent who put me through so many years of abuse. And the other didn't protect me when she should have done. Now that I'm a mother myself I see things with clarity. No amount of clinginess makes up for the past

You both have a troubled relationship with each other.

You are very angry but I think you should get some counselling. She sounds v difficult but she is still your mum. You can’t change her but you can improve your relationship.

"Is it just needy? Insecurity? Guilt, maybe? I don't know, but how can I make her stop?!"

Well, the only chance of making her stop is to open up a conversation with her about it. There is NO other way.

Have a think about what level of communication with her you would find acceptable. A daily text without the 'love you'? Monthly catchups? Birthday and Christmas cards only? Or even none at all? Then tell her what you want.

"Mum, your constant messaging to me makes me uncomfortable. I'd rather you didn't keep doing it. I'd much rather we communicated "

She will probably react badly to this. Try and make you feel guilty for not doing what she wants you to do. It won't be pleasant, but you are an adult and can decide what you want for you. The time for doing what mummy told you to do has been and gone.

Remember, you don't have to have any contact with her if it makes you uncomfortable.

Good luck. Best wishes. ((hug))

A couple of years ago, my sister confronted my mum and pointed out that she'd never told us she loved us when we were children. Since then, every time she leaves, or says goodbye, she tacks on; 'I love you.'
It feels so false, too little, too late.
She needs to prove she loves me by her actions, not empty words. (I won't bore people with the reasons I say this)
You're not being unreasonable, each time my mum says it to me, it feels so empty, and perfunctory and not recognising the emotional neglect that occurred when we were children.

Also, having people respond with how devastating it is to have lost a loving mother, actually makes it more difficult to admit to the world how hard it is to have a mother who you don't have a decent relationship with.

I know jow you feel my mum's similar. She doesn't do it morning, noon and night. She does do it regularly. I hate it because actually it's easy to say love you but she never showed or did anything loving over my childhood and she does absolutelt fuck all for me or my kids and has no interest in even spending time with them.

I think they know they were terrible mothers and try to validate that by pretending to themselves that it can't of been that bad as it's okay now cause they tell us they love us and if we reply then we love them so they can't of been awful.

Wow OP I could have written this!

My mum is an awful human, she is married to the man who sexually abused me (she's knows everything and still stays with him) she lives abroad and is always sulky that I don't show more affection. She's lucky I talk to her quite frankly. But then she tells everyone we're best friends and shares lots of "Share if you love your daughter more than anything" crap on Facebook. One of her friends daughters, when I met her for the first time, told me how lucky I was to have such a supportive mum who I'm close to. God knows how she portrays our relationship. I want to tell them all the truth.

Is gaslighting OP at its nastiest YANBU and someone else losing their mum isn't a reason for you to enjoy the gaslighting from yours

but she is still your mum

I really hate it when people say this as if it should obliterate all the past.

I regularly talk to be who've been seriously affected by abusive childhoods and are still trying to come to terms with everything that happened to them.

The fact it is mum that is responsible makers it even worse.

The pressure on the child to say 'I love you' back is horrible.

Do you think she is regretting things a bit and trying to make up for lost time, maybe? Just a thought - maybe if you go and visit or get her to come over and have a good catch up then she might be less needy?

get her to come over and have a good catch up - - have you read the OP?!

... she was a nightmare alcoholic growing up, who was a miserable mother who seemed to hate being a parent and was always, and still is, a massive, condescending snob. - Alltaken they can catch up on that eh?

It’s not about you it’s about her. Maybe understanding that will take the irritation off a bit. The fact that you haven’t called her out on this shot shows that you care about her. So you are doing your bit and caring as you should. But try to let go of her issues that she has.

Those of you with nightmare mothers who act like nothing's wrong (for which I sympathise): the phrase "Thank you, we really appreciate your kindness" will come in very useful to you when your mothers pass away. It's very hard having other people line up to tell you how wonderful your mum was to them personally when you don't have any memories like that of your own. As I said, the above phrase is gold: shows appreciation for their sentiment, but doesn't corroborate it.

There are too many people who understand the OP, sadly.

It might be worth it, but it may be hard to address this issue without opening a whole can of worms which could result in a complete breakdown of your current relationship.

I had a similar situation with my father who used to apologise for his wife's poor treatment of me when I was a child until one day when I just said 'It wasn't just her' and we properly thrashed it out. As it turned out, he used this as a chance to tell me that I was misremembering everything, that none of it ever happened and that he was not a bad person, but I probably was because I was making up lies about him for no reason. Our relationship deteriorated after that until the point where we have been NC for 10 years now. I don't know which way your mum is likely to go, but so long as you are ready for the fallout then you could address it with her.

Why is there almost always at least one poster who trots out that line. It belittles the experiences of those of us who didn't have loving parents.

EXACTLY

I think you need to sit down and have a proper conversation between adults about the past, present and future of your relationship. Dialogue is the way to go. It sounds as though she is reaching out to you and you feel resentful about the past so are ignoring her/not responding, which makes her feel insecure and chase you more. If someone says 'I love you', it's like Hello, the response should be the same ie 'I love you too'. If you can't say it and mean it, then that's the way it is, but I do think you need to talk to her (by phone if you are not seeing her for a while).
Alcohol addiction, misery, not engaging as a parent may be indicative of depression - it doesn't necessarily mean that she didn't love you. Her latest actions show that she probably does. What about your Dad? Is he still in the picture?

My mum wasn’t an alcoholic but she was spiteful, aggressive and unkind. She didn’t want me as her teenage pregnancy with me meant her family forced into a shotgun wedding to a man who beat her. She very quickly got the courage to leave him and remarried for love but her family ostracised her for many years. She took all her pain and anger over this awful situation out on me making sure I knew I was unwanted and had ruined her life. I had what I absolutely needed in the way of enough food and clothes to keep me decent but no love or affection. To the outside world she was a good mother (she did indeed take us to stately homes), but behind closed doors she was an irrational, controlling tyrant who even by the standards of the 1960s overdid the physical chastisement to a terrifying degree.

Roll on 50+ years and she is a sad isolated widow. She has alienated most of her remaining family and her one time friends. My siblings moved far away and keep contact with her to a bare minimum. I see her quite often, I try to support her and include her in family occasions because I pity her but I don’t love her. She is over effusive with texts and cards about how much she loves me and what a joy and blessing I am and it just makes my flesh crawl. I know it comes from regret and guilt but it’s too little, too late. No amount of gratitude now can undo,the pain and harm of my childhood.

Sadly you can’t make your mother doing anything. You can only change your behaviour or reaction.

I see your choices as:

• Block

• Get a new mobile number and keep the current one for your mother and anyone, who would give the new number to her. Then you can treat reading messages on this phone as “housekeeping”.

• Have it out with her as suggested by some posters. This is one way of dealing with the situation but highly risky. That’s not always possible a) because the child doesn’t want to b) because the parents will deny it or c) a combination of both. I know posters suggesting this mean well but that’s putting enormous pressure on an adult survivor of childhood abuse. The resulting fall out could be far worse than never having the conversation in the first place. Alcoholics will likely score higher on the narcissistic scale and narcissists aren’t known for empathy or admitting their errors. As per Dojos post, this is the more likely outcome.

• Go no contact

• Carry on as you are

• Get therapy. I would do this regardless of your choice from above.

Sarahrose . Lucky you having had such a great relationship with your mother. First bloody post as well FFS.

If your upbringing was sufficiently bad that you feel compelled to crush her with a few deserved home truths, tell her what you told us and cut contact.

If there may have been reasons for her alcoholism and depression, or you want a more compassionate approach, I would endure it until you see her in person (or make a phone call if that is unlikely) and just tell her that you love her too but find her texts too needy and intrusive, that you know how she feels now, that you'd like her to stop. It will still be a difficult conversation, but won't burn all bridges.

And just to add that when women post on here that they are losing touch with their grown up children, that there's been a big argument, that they don't speak or see each other, they are often told to keep the door open with regular reminders that they are loved, to maintain contact via text even if the texts are ignored, maybe that is what she's trying to do.

Thank you for all of your replies!

In answer to some of your questions...

I'd be more than happy to go no contact - she brings nothing but negativity into my life. She is so judgemental and critical of everything I do.

My father died of about 10 years ago. He was an abusive alcoholic.

I had a baby three months ago and she has been asking and asking about visiting and I keep on making excuses, running out of them now though! I also have a 9 year old, who she has seen twice. She sends parcels roughly twice a month though, filled to the brim with toys and sweets and clothes - it costs her a fortune. I always say thank you, but that she really doesn't need to - birthdays and Christmas is more than enough - but she doesn't listen.

She messages me constantly throughout the day asking me what I'm doing, what I'm going to be doing next, what I'm having for dinner etc etc etc.

I've just had enough! A monthly how's everything going and a picture or two would be more than enough for me - I really don't get anything from our 'relationship' and I'm a much better person for getting away from her.

She doesn't know me and I don't want anything to do with her, even if she is my 'mother'. I'm 33 and I don't need her, or want her.

Pretty harsh, I know. But memories of her stinking drunk taking her to bed and of her looking in, seeing and then closing the door so my father could continue abusing me won't go away I'm afraid.

In that case I think going NC is what will give you most peace. I imagine the constant barrage of messages and gifts is a constant reminder of your childhood. She may feel bad or she may not even realise and believe she is just maintaining normal mother/daughter/grandparent relationships but it must feel hollow and upsetting.

I think you need to treat this relationship the same as you would an abusive ex. She is harassing you.

That's a good point, tofupanda. Thanks!

I really hate all the 'there'll come a day' type posts. I maintain a very very low contact with my dad. If your mom died tomorrow OP would you have any regrets? If not there's your answer.

How on earth have you managed to put up with this lying abuser for so long?

We judge people by their actions rather than the words. Your mother's complicity in your abuse, her disregard for your safety and well-being and her self-indulgent irresponsibility were criminal. She was aiding and abetting abuse at a time when she ought to have been showing love and care.

Her creepy words are a lie, and you know that. She has no place in your life and definitely no place in the life of her grandchildren.

Your childhood must have been a nightmare - don't allow this leech of a woman to cast a shadow over your adulthood.