Partner Over Spending

[FlurSM1988]

Hi all, first time poster so hope it comes across OK. My partner & I earn a reasonable income and I wouldn’t consider us on the breadline but I like the watch the pennies. I’m careful with the bills and household expenses but he likes to splash out. I need to know if I ABU with this one, DSS needed a new coat for school so he took him today after school, he has come back with a £280 coat which I think it was over what is reasonable for a school coat, he’s also come back with £200 boots for myself that I would never spend and I have said I’d rather him return as I wouldn’t enjoy them knowing what else the money could be spent on. For context I went to buy DSD coat for school and we chose a lovely one from M&S for £40. I know his intentions are good but when he’s stretching us unessesarily it’s really getting me down. I feel like I’m always saving/hunting down bargains for him to blow the budget wide open again. If I challenge he just gets really defensive. Opinions please.

If you’re not struggling financially what’s the problem?

Separate bank accounts with an agreed contribution to a common bills account to cover regular costs (food shop, bills, mortgage/rent etc) plus a common savings account for one off things like holidays etc.

Whatever's left is each of yours to spend as you see fit.

Separate accounts would be the way to go with a joint one for all the shared bills. Each transfers in their 50 percent and whatever they earn over this they keep. No monitoring of spending or disapproval then.

If you’re not struggling financially what’s the problem?

We're not struggling financially but £280 would be over 15% of our monthly net income. It's a fucking ridiculous amount of money to spend of a coat, especially for a child and especially for school where it'll get trampled on or shoved in a locker.

OP YANBU, if finances are fully shared I would suggest setting a rough amount over which purchases are discussed (ours is £50). If they're not fully shared then make it clear you won't be contributing more than X amount to the coat and that you don't expect DH's monthly bill contribution to be impacted due to his stupid choice.

We're not struggling either but £280 on a school coat is crazy!!

Whoa, that is a lot of money for a coat that might get trashed or lost.

He is making some weird choices, OP - what is that about? How was the coat discussion when he got home?

I should imagine the coat will be stolen = lesson learnt.

Does he feel guilty for working a lot? My DH is very generous with the kids, too generous I think, but it's because he works a lot.

Or does he just like big brands?

DP and I earn 6 figures (just) and I would hit the bloody roof if he came home having spent £280 on a kids school coat!!

Just because you have money does not mean you need to blow it! Savings are important incase circumstances change!

£280 for a school coat is outrageous! I work in a secondary school and kids are not good at taking care of their belongings. Coats get trampled on, left in classrooms etc.

I think an honest discussion is needed about how to approach big purchases and acceptable spending limits.

I wouldn't be too happy if my turban spent £480 in one day on just two items of clothing/footwear.

That is an insane amount to spend on a school coat that could easily get stolen and/grown out of.

There's me thinking that £100 is too much for a coat, so I have bought one much cheaper in the sale.

In your situation OP I would insist he return the coat- not on the basis that it’s too expensive (although it really bloody is) but on the basis that it’s unfair and uneven that DSD spent £40 whilst DSS spent £280 both on school coats. If you put it across like that DP can’t disagree with you!

£280 for a school coat would be ridiculous even if you earned a million a year. There comes a point with anything where spending more is just vulgar, no matter how affordable it is for you.

Incompatible ideas of finances is a relationship killer. If one is a saver and one spends, neither will be happy.

We own a business together so there isn’t much mine or yours, I have 99% of the bills go from my account and I also do all the food shopping, household buying etc. I still feel like I’m down the last penny every month but he says I’m being dramatic. Like I say we’re not struggling but £280 is a big chunk we could do with elsewhere.

I do this with my husband. This way, everything is taken care of. I don't need to justify my manicure habit (25 twice a month) or my new bag every few months. He doesn't have to justify himself either. It's all good.

He has said I’ve made DSS feel bad now so I know he wouldn’t return the coat without making me the bad guy.

Thank you, I’m being made to feel like I’m being unreasonable now and he’s gone to bed sulking whilst I’m trying to mask it from the kids.

The thing is, it all comes out of money the 'family' earns in the long term.

So, he lashes out money for years and years, she saves - then, upon retirement or something, he ends up taking control of the big pot she has built up.

I would still resent the splashing out, however you set out the 'pots'

Have a calm talk and divide things into different accounts/budgets: household, kids, treats, holidays etc. Really worth having some clarity, especially when your spending patterns are different. You can say, ‘dp this has made me think we should disscuss money so we’re on the same page’ and not say what anyone sane is thinking: ‘omg how much on a kids coat??!!!! HOW MUCH!!!!!!!!!! Hahahahahaha’

Also there was an article in the guardian about schools banning designer coats that you might what to glance at.

The problem is it’s a big splash out without any discussion and I think way over and above what a school coat of a 13yo who is a) growing quickly and b) does lots of outdoor ed etc and comes home looking like he’s been up a chimney most days should be.

Why does DSS feel bad? Did you raise this in front of him? That's really poor if so. It's not his fault.

This was another of my worries (beside the £££) is the fact that it’s a designer coat that he A) will probably be picked on for (goes to a great school but quite a few disadvantaged kids go) or b) have it stolen.

No I didn’t, DSS came in and the first thing he said was look at my new coat is cost £280! So I didn’t scoff I couldn’t help it. But I tried to play it down.

Sorry *did scoff as it shocked me!