Partner Over Spending

[FlurSM1988]

Hi all, first time poster so hope it comes across OK. My partner & I earn a reasonable income and I wouldn’t consider us on the breadline but I like the watch the pennies. I’m careful with the bills and household expenses but he likes to splash out. I need to know if I ABU with this one, DSS needed a new coat for school so he took him today after school, he has come back with a £280 coat which I think it was over what is reasonable for a school coat, he’s also come back with £200 boots for myself that I would never spend and I have said I’d rather him return as I wouldn’t enjoy them knowing what else the money could be spent on. For context I went to buy DSD coat for school and we chose a lovely one from M&S for £40. I know his intentions are good but when he’s stretching us unessesarily it’s really getting me down. I feel like I’m always saving/hunting down bargains for him to blow the budget wide open again. If I challenge he just gets really defensive. Opinions please.

If you are in charge of the bills then I’d be setting up a direct debit to a savings account at the beginning of the month.
If £280 is enough to be missed, then it’s too much . There are bigger issues here than an expensive coat .
What’s he trying to compensate for ?

Yes I think I am going to ask for a standing order from him to me to help cover some costs. I have also asked him to return the boots he bought me, which has gone down like a lead balloon but I won’t get any pleasure from them.

I honestly just want to cry.

I felt really chuffed today because I sold some of DSD old dance stuff for £30, then I just felt like that had been stamped on by his spending.

Was the first thing DSS said really look at this, it cost 280?

It sounds as if they both value things for what they cost rather that what they are actually needed for and worth to you, which is a deeply unattractive trait.

Yes unfortunately, I'm worried it's becoming more frequent in DSS as this is a new thing he's picking up of DH. DSD is similar to me at the moment, pleased with the little things (bought her a skirt in the Tesco sale for £7 yesterday and she was over the moon) but can't see it lasting if she's growing up with all this spending.

So you and he have separate bank accounts, you pay all the bills and he... gets to keep all his salary to spend on extravagent gestures and things he enjoys. No wonder you're resentful. You need to sort out, as PP have said, a fairer family budget that allows both of you a set amount for personal spending once all the bills hve een covered.

Hope you feel a bit better this morning. It's not fair that he gets to go wasting hundreds of pounds on a coat while you pay all the essential but unseen costs of raising the children. Something is deeply wrong if you're spending your time and effort to make £30 on eBay while he can unthinkingly spend £480 in an hour. Good luck.

I'd think twice on spending £280 on a coat for myself. I know that sounds a reasonable price to many people but I hate spending money on myself, and I wouldn't even notice the money had gone out of the account!

I think 280 for a coat is fine for an adult who can afford it.

But the way you describe the situation is awful. A child bragging about a 280 coat when you pay all the bills? Ewww.

What about rent?
Add up all regular outgoings inc insurance tv licence etc all the things that someone has to pay. Let him know his share.

Id probably have a separate bills account. You both pay in. Bills come out of. Any shortfall means an increase.

£280 at 15% of net income is insane.
It would be a lower % in our household but I would still consider a coat like that a significant purchase for an adult let alone a child who won’t be able to wear it in 12 months

This won’t change overnight you need to think about how to overcome this, be it that the money must come from his personal spends (so you get x per month and he get x+£80 to cover kids stuff) or something else.

Presumably he is paying maintenance and I don’t know how financially supportive he is beyond that but honestly if I was the mother I’d be he was dropping ££££ on a flash coat when theres a world of boring stuff that also needs paying for.

Sorry I don’t get why you pay all the bills and he gets to spend his money on luxuries instead?? Have I got that right, seems bloody unfair?

15% of net income reference was me (not OP) to a PP implying that if you are "comfortably off" nearly £300 on ONE COAT for ONE DC doesn't matter. It's an outrageous amount of money and OP is not silly for questioning it.

The kids live with OP full time so maintenence etc not relevant. Agree re personal spending allowance if this is common. They clearly have very different views on money!

Oh and I didn’t buy my kids £280 coats whilst they were growing rapidly, even though this wouldn’t be a big amount for us, it’s a total waste of money at that age.

Thanks sweetheart neckline. Just reread the posts and I clearly need lots ofcoffee

Ultimately op should question it and needs to find a way to stop or manage this sort of wastefulness

Wow that’s out of line. You need to separate your finances