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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Help me.

31 replies

ilovepuppys · 23/11/2018 15:01

I just can't anymore
I'm with such an emotionally abusive controlling man who makes me sob everyday. The things he does to me are indescribable 😢 I end up sobbing most days then being shouted at and being told everything's my fault and that I'm hurting baby on purpose by crying ( I'm 7 months pregnant ) and being told I'm evil, ugly, horrible, and that I don't deserve anything and if I leave him he will take me to court to get custody of baby. Even though I told him if we ended that I'd always let him be in babies life. I get told I'm a lying bitch and no woman ever tells the truth and that I'd never let him see his child. ( I would!! 😢)
He's now taken everything away from me and said I can only speak to him and others after I apologise for the drama and when I next speak there are no visible tears on my face otherwise he will keep me like this.
I'm so heart broken and I don't know what to do because I can't leave him it's so messed up. But right now I'm so distraught and I have no idea what to do 😢

OP posts:

Original poster

ilovepuppys · 23/11/2018 15:03

I have just had to sit there and apologise.

Have now been told that it wasn't good enough as I still wasn't calm enough and still sounded ready

OP posts:

Original poster

ilovepuppys · 23/11/2018 15:03

teary*

OP posts:

Original poster

ilovepuppys · 23/11/2018 15:04

Fucking help me I do care and love him but I despise him too but can't end things

OP posts:

Oddsocksandmeatballs · 23/11/2018 15:04

Do you think you could contact Women's Aid? You are none of the things he tells you you are, it is his way of controlling you and making you stay.

www.womensaid.org.uk/

Original poster

ilovepuppys · 23/11/2018 15:04

@Oddsocksandmeatballs thank you I'll try and contact them

OP posts:

StealthPolarBear · 23/11/2018 15:05

Why can't you leave?
Do you have any family or friends?
Please please get out he is controlling you. There's a good chance this will turn into physical violence and your life and that of your baby is at risk

Snowwontbelong · 23/11/2018 15:05

Simply put you need to leave /ask him to.
You need to protect your mental health, confide in your mw. She will be supportive and won't judge you.

Standinguptononsense · 23/11/2018 15:06

Speak to your midwife as well. Xx

JammyGem · 23/11/2018 15:06

Oh love, I didn't want to read and run. I know it isn't as easy as 'just leave him', but you need some real life support. Do you have any family or friends nearby you can go to?

What do you mean he has taken everything away from you?

StrongTea · 23/11/2018 15:06

Does he work? Leave you in house? Contact woman’s aid, speak to your midwife? Have you any family? Nobody should feel like you do, doesn’t matter what the situation is you need to get out of it.

Doyoumind · 23/11/2018 15:07

OP this was me. I made the mistake of staying, believing things would get better. They didn't. I left eventually but my only regret is not leaving sooner.

What do you mean he's taken everything off you?

You need to speak to Women's Aid urgently. You can leave. There is no reason to stay. Leave for your baby's sake.

QuestionableMouse · 23/11/2018 15:07

You can also phone the police and they'll help you. I'm so sorry op. Don't listen to another word he says because it's all lies meant to bear you down. Get out now before the baby is born because it's only going to get worse. Can you tell your midwife?

junebirthdaygirl · 23/11/2018 15:08

He will not get custody of your baby. They all threaten day but he is just a big bully.
Get some help and get yourself and your baby into a safe place.
He is a horrible, mean man and he won't change.

Dandybelle · 23/11/2018 15:11

This was me. I left my ex at 35 weeks pregnant. Best thing I ever did and I don't regret it for a second. If I'd stayed, I don't know if I'd be alive today. Either at his hand or my own.

Your baby needs you at your strongest. This isn't just about you any more, you need to do what you need to do to protect your baby and yourself so you can be the best mummy you can be.

Your midwife can help you, or like a PP said ring women's aid. Or do what I did and pack as much as you can get into a car and get someone to just come and get you out of there.

You can do this. You need to do this.

Namestheyareachangin · 23/11/2018 15:20

My love you need to leave him. Everything that's happening now will carry on and get worse, and soon all this will be happening in front of your little one. You have to get yourselves to a safe place. This man is a natural disaster - you don't need to take anything with you, just walk out of the door today and RUN. Work everything else out later.

endofthelinefinally · 23/11/2018 15:25

Midwives are trained to help women in your situation.
Are you able to go to appointments alone?
Can you speak to your midwife on the phone?
There is help for you, as pp have said. You are so beaten down that you don't know which way to turn, but you can get away from him and find support.

craftinglife · 23/11/2018 15:43

I just want to let you know that I was you, 9 years ago. I was told I was stupid, pathetic, ugly, my family don't even like me, my friends don't like me, I'm an embarrassment, I'll be a terrible mum, the list goes on. I was pregnant and despite how horrible my life was due to that man I still thought I loved him, even though I knew the situation was bad. He told me he would take full custody if we split and I was terrified. My son was born and things got worse until one morning he came in drunk after being out all night and woke DS and I- started giving me horrible verbal abuse and started involving DS. He was only 8 months at the time but my ex was standing shouting and me and saying things to DS like 'look at your Mum- you're going to be so ashamed of her when you get older' etc. THats what did It for me. I didn't want my child to grow up thinking this was how you treat women and I knew my ex could easily turn on DS too eventually. I left and it was hard. I used family and friends to help me until I got my own place (rented), got a low paid job started saving, studied with the open uni in the evenings once DS was in bed. Like I said, it was HARD. Five years later I went for a managerial position in the company I was working for and due to the open uni qualifications I had (and the years I had worked there at a lower level) I was successful and I had a 10k payrise. A year later I met my now husband - the kindest, most gentle man you'd ever meet. We are now married and own our own house and DS is so unbelievably happy. My ex rarely saw DS after I left all those years ago, despite his threats. He would come once a week at first but it dwindled and now it's once every few months. I've never stopped him, the door had always been open but men like that use the threat of taking the child to control and usually don't actually have much interest in being a good father - or else they wouldn't be treating the mother badly. Please know that a better life awaits you, you just have to make the choice

Blanchedupetitpois · 23/11/2018 15:46

You could walk out of this relationship with nothing but the clothes on your back and you would be better off and safer.

Please contact women’s aid and any friend or family member you have at all, even if you don’t feel close - if you explain what has happened someone will help you. I would help a virtual stranger if they told me what you have told me.

RChick · 23/11/2018 15:48

My midwife asks my husband to leave the room at each appointment to ask if everything is ok at home. Does yours do this? Can you be brave enough to even just shake your head? They will take the reins from there and you won't be alone in this any longer.

Can you text her? Or make up an excuse for an extra appointment?

I wish you all the best. Please ask for help.

LauralovesLuke · 23/11/2018 15:51

Firstly, well done for opening up - that must have been an extremely difficult message to type. Have you had any other opportunities to speak to anyone else?

Midwives are amazing and this will not be the first case your midwife has heard. She will know what to do.

4nonblondes · 23/11/2018 16:04

This is not acceptable. Have you anywhere you could go?

SingingSands · 23/11/2018 16:06

Can you book a midwife or doctors appointment as an emergency? You have to tell someone in real life.

Please do this, they will help you.

4nonblondes · 23/11/2018 16:08

When you say he has taken everything off you, what do you mean? He hasn't taken your access to the internet however the thick cunt, and that is your most useful tool to get out of there.

Forgotmycoat · 23/11/2018 16:10

Please speak to your midwife. They are trained to help women like you. You don't deserve this. You deserve to be treated with love and respect.

Please speak to someone. You need to find your strength to leave. For you and baby.
Sending you hugs and strength x

MrsTWH · 23/11/2018 16:13

OP, you are NOT evil nor ugly or horrible. You DO deserve better than this.

What do you mean he has taken everything off you?

Do you have one family member or friend or midwife you can contact? If I had a friend in your situation I’d be round to help you in a heartbeat. I know it’s difficult but this is not love. You will feel immense relief when you get rid of him. If you can’t leave for yourself, try to do it for your baby. Call women’s aid if you can. You can do this.

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