To believe that people don't know about "sleep issues" past 12 months

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I'm not looking for suggestions of techniques here (I have probably tried it anyway) but just some solidarity or discussion.

My daughter is 21 months. Before 19 months she had never slept through the night. Recently she has slept through a few times but then woken at 5am for the day. I realise this is much better than some parents deal with, but worse than many. It's 1am now and she's been awake for 2 hours.

When DD was small I found people were very sympathetic if I said she was sleeping badly. But after she turned 1, it was almost assumed that she was sleeping. I stopped working because (among other things) I wasn't safe or effective functioning on disrupted sleep. But it was like people didnt believe me, thought I was exaggerating or looking for sympathy. Friends of ours (whose baby slept through 7-7 from 6 weeks) went away on holiday with us and remarked afterwards, "I didn't realise she actually does wake up every night", although I had told them plenty of times.

Alternatively people assume it must be something we have done or not done. "Have you tried ...". I think maybe some babies/toddlers just don't sleep through.

AIBU to think this can't be that unusual and people need to be more aware that it's not just parents of newborns who are exhausted.

I hear you. I think it is just that unless people have experienced it they just can't even imagine.

Mine is five nearly six YEARS OLD and still wakes up im 43 and awake because my sleep pattern is fucked up and im expecting him to wake up 🤷‍♀️

DD turned 1 a few week ago and I think know she's slept through the night (as in 11 hours straight) once.

She woke at Ten and has only just gone back off at 1. I'm shattered!

You certainly are NBU, and you certainly are not alone either! I know many, not me, as all mine had the earlier sleep issues, but, and hated it, did cc as I was dangerously sleep deprived until then.

Some sleeping issues are genetic I reckon and very little can be done.

There's sleep therapists that you could try I guess? Some seem to claim everyone can be got into a good sleep habit, maybe challenge them with a, I'll pay if it works, show me?

Its horrendous and not surprised you've had to give up work. It amazes me the women that do manage to work like weeks after giving birth.

Also, I do know many that are, or have been, in he same boat as you. For some it went on for years.

Have you ever been to cranial osteopath?

You are not alone. DD is 18 month and has ‘slept through’ (8-5ish) 4 times in her life. Friends with kids similar ages were horrified when we talking about this the other day, but to be honest (although I’m knackered) it’s not that big a deal to me. She’s been a dream in every other aspect. Loves her food, secure, independent, sociable, happy and pretty easy going, meeting all her milestones, settled well at nursery, naps brilliantly most days. Some of their kids don’t nap at all, won’t eat, are often poorly, or are really clingy / grumpy during the day etc and I’d find that harder I think. Also, they say how their kids ‘sleep through’ but then admit to frequent bouts of terrible nights with teething or illness which sound worse than DD’s most sleepless ones.

Each child comes with their own challenges. Mine just clearly doesn’t need much sleep and needs us to be near her at night. Obviously I’d love her to sleep through but 5 out of 7 nights when she wakes I just bring her into our bed and she’s back to sleep straight away. Some of my friends / work colleagues (especially those without kids) were again horrified at that idea, but I was horrified at the experiences of some of them, like having to go through sleep training more than once or constant food battles.

I’ve tried various methods to improve her sleep but even the ‘gentlest’ attempts at getting her to fall asleep in her cot and stay there result in hysterical screaming that just isn’t worth it for any of us.

So no, YANBU. There are other parents of non-sleepers. We just tend not to shout about it much as we can’t be bothered with the well meaning advice (like “have you tried a good routine?” ) or looks of horror when we do.

As an aside, I don’t think I’ve ever slept through in my 30 odd years of life, seem to manage pretty well as long as I get 5-6 hours, and I’m currently wide awake mumsnetting while DD snores away next to me. So IWBU to expect DD to sleep through consistently any time soon!

My 3 year old is up every night so yes I completely relate.

I think people assume by that point you are pandering to them. ""Obviously" you try sleep training if they are still waking at that point - ignoring the fact that with some kids, sleep training just doesnt work.
Just like you can't force bad eaters to eat, you can't force someone to sleep. You can provide them with all the help you can, but you can't force them.
It became easier when I simply stop mentioning it, and also accepted DS didn't have a sleep problem - he was doing exactly what he wanted. It was me who had a problem with his sleep pattern.

Good luck, it will improve. If only because he can be told, and accept, that waking at night is fine, but everyone needs to be allowed to sleep.

It's 6.30 here on a weekend. My 9 yr old has been up for about 90 mins, and is currently making omelettes for breakfast. My 7 yr old has been up about 45 mins.......

Thanks for your responses, it's nice to know I'm not the only one although I'm sorry that some of you are also finding it tough

We don't have the money for a sleep consultant or osteopath but I'm not sure I would want to go down that route anyway. I try not to bring it up around others because the shocked looks and sympathy make it worse somehow (and the suggestions of things to try, from people whose kids have slept through since a few months old), but it inevitably comes up sometimes.

I would love to have another baby at some point but I can't even entertain the idea of having two of them waking up in the night!

I hear you. Dd went down to one wake up a night about 2.5 but still cosleeping and it’s a battle to get her to sleep in the first place at almost three.

It gives me the rage tbh, people talk like either I’ve just not tried or I’m not ‘firm’ enough (and it is aimed at me because dp won’t get involved because it’s too ‘stressful’). They start telling me about cc etc. Like at no point in three years had the thought occurred to me or how it’s horrible at first but you push through but obviously I’m defective at discipline.

Tbh the biggest issue with her sleep is other people’s opinions now. She’ll get there eventually and at least I get a semblance of an evening for a couple of hours once she’s out for the night but it’s so hard dealing with the judgement. I obviously can’t leave her with a baby sitter when she doesn’t sleep so I have no life and there’s a few people who don’t seem to realise that’s hard enough without informing me that I’m no fun anymore and my relationship is with dp is crap, funnily enough I already know that!

I’m totally with you; a night where DD sleeps until 5am with no wake ups is an amazing night unfortunately at least one wake up is normal and we’re often up for the day before 6am

Yep. Got a six year old who wakes up most nights. I have been told that disciplining him is the answer. Like me telling him off will somehow magically make him sleep

Oh totally get you. DS1 was a brilliant sleeper until 18 months then it went to pot until after he started school. DS2 was awful from 6 months- 2- mainly due to asthma. There were patches where at night he'd only stop crying (and manage to fall asleep) if held upright with continuous movement. I honestly have no idea how DH and I both managed to hold down full time jobs through that time.

And still I used to get 'helpful' advice about 'being firm' and 'not going to him straight away.'

DD1 didn’t sleep through until she was 3.5. DD2 was born when she was 19 months old so it was all pretty tough! I think people just thought I was doing something ‘wrong’ with DD1 but we honestly tried everything. Even a sleep consultant admitted defeat. Some children just don’t sleep! She’s 5 now and generally sleeps 7-7.
DD2 was an amazing sleeper in comparison and she didn’t sleep through until 15 months!

My sister didn't sleep through until she was 4 years old. My mum said it was pure hell.

My brother didn't sleep through until he was nearly three, I'm only two years older but I remember the night terrors and vivid dreams, sleep walking/talking. He's 32 now. I think it's probably more common than people let on

My 6 yr old wakes up once a night still and 9 year old only started sleeping through the night last year. I understand what you mean.

Mine started not sleeping through when she was 3.5 years old ( she was a brilliant sleeper till then) she finally started sleeping through again when she was 7.5 years old.
4 years of sleep deprivation, people suggested all kinds of things nothing worked, no one has any sympathy as they think it must believe something you have done.
In truth DD doesn't need a lot of sleep just she is older now and can be left to it. I regularly hear her 15 year old self fiddling around in the night.

DS2’s sleep destroyed my health. At four, he’s mostly ok. In the first three years of his life, I cried every day with exhaustion. We couldn’t afford for me to give up work. I had regular suicidal fantasies because if I was dead, I wouldn’t be tired anymore and my life insurance would pay the mortgage so my husband could have stayed in the house without my salary. I honestly believed at times that would be better for us all. Sleep deprivation is truly torturous and the lack of support is awful. I will never have a third child because although my first was a great sleeper, there are no guarantees and if I had to endure what I went through again, it would finish me off entirely! DS2 is worth it all, of course!

It's so hard. Our three year old started sleeping through reliably at 2 yrs 7 months. We tried more or less everything apart from crying it out/controlled crying (personal choice, I wouldn't judge anyone that exhausted for trying anything!). I was on my knees by the time he eventually did start sleeping through.

The "Have you tried...?" brigade used to give me the rage. I know people are trying to be helpful but funnily enough, anyone in this position has probably Googled "how the fuck do I get my kid to sleep" already and tried anything vaguely legal that might come up because they are now so exhausted they are like a zombie.

The only thing we did which made a difference to his sleep (rather than our sanity) was night wean - he was an avid breastfeeder. Otherwise, he got there by himself - when he was ready (about two years after I was ready).

Sending you in solidarity.

Oh OP. I so empathise. DD was a dreadful sleeper for he first three years of her life. Night wakings, night tantrums, night terrors, extended bedtimes, coming into our room all the time. I was so so so very tired. I can see, looking back, how many mistakes we made and would do it very differently if I could do it again, but we've go through it and now she is really good! I lost count of the number of times I sat wild-eyed in the missing of the night muttering, "this has to STOP" without the faintest clue how to make it! It did eventually.

Ds is nearly 5 and still normally wakes once a night and at the moment is a wake anytime from 4:30am.
The number of times my DM has told me to just tell him to go to sleep! Wow I had never thought of that!
It’s hard and mine and DH relationship has suffered. I was hoping school would mean he slept later but no chance.

I completely empathise op. My eldest dd is almost 11 years old and still doesn't sleep well. Luckily she doesn't come and disturb us directly in the night now but I'm a very light sleeper and aware of her moving around (going to the toilet, tidying her bedroom at 3 am )

My son is 7, and since around 3 he has slept like a dream.
However, his worst sleeping was probably between the age of 1 and 2. As in, he’d start to stir anytime from 9.30pm then wake up between 10 and midnight and not go back to sleep until 3 or 4 in the morning meaning I went to sleep at this time then be up again at 6 for work, I too was on the verge of quitting as I could barely function.
If I dared say I was tired all I’d get was a chorus of others (childless/people with older kids who can choose what time they go to bed and get up everyday) saying how tired they were too.
It’s tough.

My 2.5 year old has just started sleeping through the night. I put him down at 7.30 and he wakes, in his own bed, between 6.15 and 6.45. I don't see him for 11 hours. It is beautiful. Before this he'd had slept through maybe 4 times in his life.

Sleep is precious and wonderful and I hope you all get some soon. I'm not boasting or being glib, I am truly sympathetic and so so grateful!