To not go to A&E

[WhoTookTheCookie]

I've lost several fingers and I'm pretty sure I've just snapped my spine.
My leg is turning black, my heart isn't beating, everything hurts.
My feet are turning in on themselves and my toes are at right angles.
Oh, and my heads just fallen off.

I should be okay though. I've just taken 2 paracetamol and there's something I really want to watch on the TV.
I'm sure I can hold my head for the duration until my programme is finished.

AIBU to not call 111?

@WhoTookTheCookie
Sorry, what?
Can't hear you, been driving around in a big green van all day..... rubs back and hopes the tinnitus will stop soon

@Spamfrittersforeveryone I hold my hands up. I throughly deserve this.

Shan't be wasting any valuable NHS time.

You NHS time waster! WTF? YANBU. I'm dead but I'd never even bother a funeral director, why waste his time when you can just walk around dead?

Have you considered low carbing?

What you need a nice warm bath and rub some vicks on your feet before you go to bed. You will wake up tomorrow good as new.

Either get a taxi to OOH or put on your big girl pants and make a doctors appt for April 2019

@FrankiesKnuckle you're one of them

With your knowledge could you please advise whether I'll make it through the night? I know it's over the internet and you can't see me or do any sort of observations but I really want to watch my programme.

I've taken TWO paracetamol

@dontalltalkatonce well, it's too late for you isn't it...

Did you ignore the 111 advice?

I tried to get a GP appointment, Who, but the bloody receptionist told me to sling my hook. I'm hoping to come back in the next life and get an appointment when I'm 50.

I tell you what I miss.
123.
The speaking clock.
He’d have known what to do.

@Redglitter I called earlier (only after being in excruciating pain for 48 hours and even then - 5 minutes before they closed.)

They can't fit me in till Christmas 2024.

To be fair to the receptionist though, I didn't tell her about the most severe symptoms - just the really annoying bruise I've had on my little toe after kicking the table.

@dontalltalkatonce make sure to book it now and only if you really need it.

Oh and @FrankiesKnuckle - thank you for everything you do.
I hope the back eases soon.

@Spamfrittersforeveryone get with the times... it's Siri or Alexa now.

Siri can't understand a word I'm saying though and Alexa just keeps adding plasters to my list.

Fuckers.

Just use duct tape to hold all your bits together and take a couple of aspirin - all's good.

NONE of you have answered my question though.

Will I last the duration of my programme?!

Don’t hold your bits together with duct tape.

Yes.
Or no.
37.

Will I last the duration of my programme?!

Depends.

How long is it?

Are there any shocking moments that might cause heart attack?

Unless your brains are oozing out of your ears, you're fine.

My head's fallen off but there's no oozing.

My programme is on for about 2 hours. No heart attack inducing moments - unless Countryfile has become a lot more adrenaline packed recently.

I've consulted my crystal ball, you'll last either 312 hours precisely or until you next eat a banana, one of the two, so you can hang on.

@Spamfrittersforeveryone WRONG.

The answer was actually D.

This is clearly a troll thread anyway, I've searched your username and you said your head fell off in 2016 already.

@Terribletweens I've never liked them evil, yellow bastards.
Now I know why.

I thank you.