AIBU to withdraw from charity assistance

[HoobaHooba]

There is a local food bank asking for families to do a Christmas food shop for vulnerable families at Christmas and deliver them just before Xmas - this was to include fresh food and meat etc.

The scheme arranged for you to directly contact the family to arrange delivery. I texted to say I’d deliver the shopping list in December.

Since then I’ve received texts asking for substitutes for the meat and clarification of what the parcel contains (although recipients should be aware of this already). Now I’ve received a text asking if I would do a food parcel other than at Christmas.

I’m concerned this family need extra support. I donate practically and financially regularly to food banks, charity shops etc and just can’t support another family on top of my own. There’s also a part of me resenting even being asked - I know that sounds awful but just because I’ve offered to do a one-off doesn’t mean I am able to do it regularly or when asked.

Advice please?

Also I'd probably still do it this once (unless you actually feel uncomfortable now about going round to their house), but say you can't do it again as you have other families to support (which you do, through normal food banks etc). I wouldn't mind at all about the meat substitution though.

They must be mad to have put you in a position where the recipients had your number at all - "queries" of any sort should have gone to the charity itself so that anyone taking advantage could be weeded out at source

Personally I'd block the number, continue giving what you already do and maybe think about supporting a charity which is rather more careful with its volunteers' interests

It sounds really odd, to be honest.

I don’t think I would withdraw until I had made my views clear. Swapping meat for something similar price is fine. Asking for another drop off is not. I would send a message saying the food list is now final and it will be the only package delivered and for them to contact the charity if they need more assistance. I don’t think I’d withdraw only based on what has been said. They might be trying their luck or they might be desperate but you can say no and that’s fine. Is there something else making you uncomfortable OP? I must admit I would have never signed up for a scheme where my number was given to the receivers.

As far as I know they (and I) received a list of terms and conditions saying what was/wasn’t acceptable. They family know I’m a donor and not part of the organised charity.
In no way did I want my donation to be a patronising donation and the reason for delivering personally was a) they’re close to me and b) it was a more personalised, Christmas, more luxurious shop with fresh items instead of the basic box offered by other food banks.
I was more than happy to sub meat (or anything) within my budget. I don’t feel people should be overly grateful or beholden to me.

Like I said earlier, I do a largish charity donation (financial/food) every Xmas and this year I thought this one would be good. I had no problem with the subbing meat (even if it was more expensive) - I was adding context to the texts I’ve received.

However my problem lay in that I feel I’m being exploited a bit - the tone of the texts and the prompting texts when I don’t reply quickly. I’m certainly not expecting bowing and scraping just not to be repeatedly asked for more - where would it stop?

It sounds like you are sponsoring this family, is that it.

**This family is taking the piss.

I would contact the food bank and ask their advice and ask to be matched with another family.**

^This

This sounds very, very odd. I volunteer for a Food Bank & we would never share details like that. We do sometimes get kind people who ask to buy a parcel for ‘a family’ but we politely thank them & explain that all donations are appreciated and ‘treats’ will be shared with all who need the Food Bank. Otherwise you might get one family receiving a hamper containing quail and champagne and another family getting tinned ham and a value pud. (We do get all sorts of weird and wonderful donations at Christmas ). Also it is surely totally unethical to give out personal details?

That’s really poor organising all round really.

It’s potentially putting families and donators in a vulnerable position.

That’s not a well run system at all. The same could have been done but with all messages running through a coordinator and a neutral/public meeting point organised.

I work for a food bank, we are asking for Christmas items, puddings, mince pies, chocolates etc. We don't do fresh food. We do have people with dietary requirements like anywhere else but we would never, ever give client details out to anyone. No one knows who has donated what and most donations are through the supermarket bins.

Lack of money and vulnerability causes all sorts of desperation. Have you ever wondered why blocks of cheese have tags on sometimes? Because people steal them and sell them.

I would hazard a guess they will sell the expensive items to buy other luxuries.

The contact with you sounds like ut wasn't well thought out. Very vulnerable people can sometimes do unexpected things. I got involved with a lady who had lots of problems and in the end I had to block her. I couldn't help with her denands.

However, I know not all are like this and you, op are so kind.

It should be dignified with impartiality..

Agree with this for both sides. I think it is a bad idea to not have an intermediary to take the food and distribute it. Anyone who feels uncomfortable with this may not donate or seek out help in the future.

OK I get the angst about a "poor" person wanting "special" foods etc BUT actually please remember these are people - they don't have to eat gruel, they have a right to choose what to eat or not eat and many may have dislikes and traditions of their own they would like to adhere to.

Frankly I would give them the total of what you are prepared or can afford to spend and let them know that the total has to come to that and then let them choose. This is in fact what normal food banks do. Its such "big business" you can even do this online for some of the banks.

A close friend of mine & her daughter had to rely on them earlier this year and may yet still have to again (for a whole load of reasons including a v nasty ex who managed to get her benefits stopped out of pure spite). Eggs are wonderful food - should they accept and eat them even though highly allergic - of course not, same goes for egg in most things including noodles or pasta etc.

She was over the moon to get bread for the freezer and frozen veg as no fresh stuff. Plus crisps/snacks etc. They are still having to buy meat and fresh fruit and veg so tinned stuff - avoid beans they got very tired of those v quickly - but tinned veg like sweetcorn good, soups good, flour and sugar, cereals, porridge. Simple things like ketchup and salt and pepper, soy sauce or brown sauce which can be used to add flavour, stock cubes etc alot of people do not realise many people at food banks for e.g. have come from refuges where often they have walked in in what they are stood up in - sometimes not even shoes on their feet.

Those of you who have access to give to those out of a refuge (it can be tricky) they give them basic toiletries but handbags and trousers and shoes and or boots especially in winter. Even something like a lipstick to help them face the world. Bags or carry alls were appreciated or even small suitcases - they do get given lots of things but then are in black bin bag land to move stuff around.

I was in a position to co-ordinate collecting lots of things and seeing her regularly (with great subterfuge) so could pass directly and those girls in there are desperate.

I have kind of drifted but you get where I am coming from. It makes me weep we can point to this in our country - not just our country but every single county or large town in our country and more.

what do you mean the tone of the texts OP?

@RB68 No-one is saying that 'poor' people should eat 'gruel'

But when a family who is claiming to be living in poverty, to the point where they need to use a food bank, is making requests for special foods (some which may be quite expensive, and that the donating family would not even buy themselves,) then that is totally unreasonable.

Can I just reiterate - I have NO problem about ‘special foods’. I didn’t even say that or complain about it. I certainly don’t think less well off people don’t deserve nice produce. It makes no difference to me what meat I buy so I was happy to give the choice. It was contextual highlighting the various texts I’d already had.

OP, when you say ‘tone’, did they ask whether you’ll be contributing after Christmas, or was it ‘after Christmas we’d like xyz’? If the former, it could be a genuine misunderstanding or a struggling family trying to plan. If they’re sending a shopping list, then I’d be more inclined to wonder if it’s a little CF. Either way, I’d definitely let the charity know how uncomfortable you feel about it and ask if they’ll co-ordinate the Christmas donation

I would hazard a guess they will sell the expensive items to buy other luxuries.

Sadly, these items are usually sold to fund the seller's addiction.

Winterfell - I think it depends on why. Also if its within budget that Op has set why not. I also get that some take the piss - but I am trying to make the point that we shouldn't have the attitude of you are poor so you will get what you are given shut up sit down and not even think of holding that bowl up again. I think if she pushed back and said no or that's not something I can help with, you need to go back to the food bank they would back off and then if they didn't that's when you do

This is a totally and utterly inappropriate scenario.

The charity should coordinate drop off of food and you should never have been put in direct contact with an extremely vulnerable family and given details of their needs.

They should not have been put in the position of having contact with someone who holds power over them and is buying shipping for them - this is deeply undignified!!

I have worked in the charity sector and I am disgusted by this whole description.

Op you are right to feel uncomfortable and should stop direct contact with this family at once . BUT any judgement of this family is disgusting. You have no idea what they are going through and it is vile that they are having to have direct contact with someone in their own community who is buying shopping for them.

SOrry just to clarify I’m not saying you personally are judging them OP. I mean nobody should judge them. However you should certainly not make any further commitment and personally I would just let the charity know that the whole situation is inappropriate because of safeguarding and data protection.

You’re a really really lovely person but, sadly, this sounds like more grief than it’s worth. I’d honestly feedback to the organisation and arrange items that you can drop with a food bank x

Remember poor and vulnerable doesn’t equal polite and grateful. They may have additional needs or addiction problem that mean they’re not aware of what’s acceptable in the situation. Of course, they may well be grabby tossers.

I’d stick to the original agreement with the family for the sake of any children. It’s them who’ll miss out if you back out now.

But you need to raise this with the organisers. It isn’t fair on you.

And you’re a better person than me for doing this ❤️

Was the request for the extra food from the charity or the person.

If from the charity, then I guess that’s okay to ask, but it’s okay for,you to decline as well.

It’s it from the family, then that’s a little cheeky. I think maybe it’s fair enough to ask for a reasonable substitution, ie. chocolate pudding instead of Christmas pudding, but not to ask for extra food.

Definitely contact the organisers and explain what has happened, they need to be informed. If nothing else, they need to know if this family is struggling.

The charity should coordinate drop off of food and you should never have been put in direct contact with an extremely vulnerable family and given details of their need

This^ The donator and the recipient should not know details of each other!