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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to withdraw from charity assistance

81 replies

HoobaHooba · 22/11/2018 19:01

There is a local food bank asking for families to do a Christmas food shop for vulnerable families at Christmas and deliver them just before Xmas - this was to include fresh food and meat etc.

The scheme arranged for you to directly contact the family to arrange delivery. I texted to say I’d deliver the shopping list in December.

Since then I’ve received texts asking for substitutes for the meat and clarification of what the parcel contains (although recipients should be aware of this already). Now I’ve received a text asking if I would do a food parcel other than at Christmas.

I’m concerned this family need extra support. I donate practically and financially regularly to food banks, charity shops etc and just can’t support another family on top of my own. There’s also a part of me resenting even being asked - I know that sounds awful but just because I’ve offered to do a one-off doesn’t mean I am able to do it regularly or when asked.

Advice please?

OP posts:
MotorcycleMayhem · 22/11/2018 19:21

Asking you to liaise directly with the recipient sounds really dodgy to me. Is the food bank legit?

Original poster
HoobaHooba · 22/11/2018 19:22

I was happy to sub any meat tbh. The recipient did say she was grateful for anything but would prefer the sub (for approx the same price)

OP posts:
continuallychargingmyphone · 22/11/2018 19:22

It sounds more than dodgy. It’s unbelievable to be honest.

Is the OP dbs checked? How about other ‘volunteers’ who are given the details of vulnerable families.

How do the prove they handed over the goods? How do they drop them off?

WinterfellWench · 22/11/2018 19:22

@HoobaHooba

Sounds well dodgy to me, and weird IMO. Confused

We have a food bank set up in our little village. It's at the little parish hall. You can go in and drop in non perishable food, kitchen and bathroom stuff, clothes, (for adults and babies,) and bits of furniture etc...We give when we can.

No way would I be doing it if it were just one particular family. That's just odd IMO. I particularly wouldn't do it if the family were being precious and grabby.

If I were you I would contact whoever you need to contact about it, and say your situation has changed, and you can no longer participate. I agree with the people saying that the 'special stuff' (like non meat and vegan) is sometimes double the price of meat and dairy stuff. (Sometimes more!)

I got some vegan food last week for a visitor who is coming to stay at the weekend, and some of the stuff cost 2 to 3 times more than the 'meat' version. What I can get for £10 in meat and dairy, costs £25 or so for the meat free/dairy free alternative. So the people you refer to in your OP are taking the piss sorry.

WinterfellWench · 22/11/2018 19:24

I mean I got some vegan food THIS week (not last!)

DeRigueurMortis · 22/11/2018 19:24

I'd go back to the charity and explain what's happened and that it's leading you to reconsider your offer.

They should contact the recipient and explain that it's not appropriate to ask for additional donations and should refrain from doing so.

If the charity don't address the issue then yanbu to withdraw from the scheme.

lalalalyra · 22/11/2018 19:24

OP did the charity do any checks on you or did they just put you in touch with a potentially vulnerable family without much chat?

It sounds like a really badly set up organisation.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 22/11/2018 19:24

It doesn't necessarily sound dodgy - I've certainly heard of such schemes in Ireland, and I think the St Vincent de Paul Society does something similar (but much more carefully run).

It was a lovely thought OP, but maybe as you say stick to the food bank in future.

IamHowIfeel · 22/11/2018 19:25

Why didn’t they just have a pick up point on a specified day
Or do an online delivery for these families
Keep it a bit more anonymous

Knittedfairies · 22/11/2018 19:29

I obviously don’t know what substitute was requested, but just wondering whether cooking it is the problem? I do think the whole scheme is good-hearted but badly organised if the recipient has your contact details.

continuallychargingmyphone · 22/11/2018 19:30

It could be good hearted; it could be considerably more sinister.

WinterfellWench · 22/11/2018 19:31

Yeah it definitely needs to be anonymous. Having direct contact with the family is weird, and puts you in a vulnerable and precarious position IMO.

Bombardier25966 · 22/11/2018 19:33

I organise for hampers to be delivered to people in need at Christmas, but the addresses are not given out until deliveries take place and the recipients don't have any contact details for the deliverers. What you describe sounds a nightmare OP.

Re the GDPR comments, it's not an issue if both parties consent, which appears to be the case here.

InDubiousBattle · 22/11/2018 19:33

This is a ridiculous set up. I would withdraw and tell the charity why.

continuallychargingmyphone · 22/11/2018 19:35

Never mind the op.

The charity just hand out details to anybody of vulnerable families along with their contact details?

gamerchick · 22/11/2018 19:39

OP even if you withdraw you NEED to tell the organiser about it. Even if it's to cover yours and their backs. Keep all texts. Some people can go a bit strange and the organisers need to be aware when dealing with this family.

Holidayshopping · 22/11/2018 19:41

That’s a really bizarre-I would be withdrawing.

Twickerhun · 22/11/2018 19:44

It’s lovely you gave the family the choice of food.

Innocentconglomeration · 22/11/2018 19:46

I would definitely tell the charity what's been going on.

MemoryOfSleep · 22/11/2018 19:49

I wouldn't withdraw, the kids might be excited about the prospect of a proper Christmas dinner. I'd just text back and say that you aren't wealthy enough to make it a regular thing. I would tell the charity about it though.

LadyGrinch · 22/11/2018 19:50

I did a whole shop (not fresh, but pretty much a Christmas shop) for our Food Bank and took it into them. They then have to find volunteers to deliver them. I think that is a better way of doing things.

LadyGrinch · 22/11/2018 19:52

I think it is OK to swap meat. She asked for a similar value, she didn't ask you to swap the turkey for some Kobe beef. When you said swap I thought she had said something like "can we swap the beef for a bottle of vodka and 100 Malboro".

SundayGirls · 22/11/2018 19:56

OP, is it just the content or is the tone of the texts making you uncomfortable?

Not that they should be "ever so 'umble and grateful, Miss" but if they are actually rude/blunt then that would kind of annoy me a little. But even if they are, the charity well meaning though it is has put you both in direct contact with each other so if there's a mismatch of expectation or lack of explanation it might not be their fault. Maybe they don't actually realise you are buying and organising and delivering, maybe they think you are just delivering or part of the charity IYSWIM?

Personally I would feel it undignified for the family to be sitting waiting for me, a benefactress, to be turning up with food for "the poor people". It feels kind of Victorian. It should be dignified with impartiality (although I can see that wouldn't work for perishables that well, so...)

DingDongDenny · 22/11/2018 19:57

It doesn't sound dodgy to me at all. It sounds like a great scheme and why not make substitutions if you prefer one thing over another, just because you are in poverty doesn't mean you don't have preferences

OP I'd carry on if I were you, but I get you can't commit to more than the Christmas donation, so I'd just say that you will let the charity know they have asked for ongoing support and pass the message on

WinterfellWench · 22/11/2018 19:58

@continuallychargingmyphone

The charity just hand out details to anybody of vulnerable families along with their contact details? Confused

Good point. It's bad. But also as bad, is allowing the families who are financially poor, to have the direct contact details of other families who have more money than them, and maybe more access to credit and so on.....

Both sides are put in a vulnerable position. Not just the 'poor' family. The financially better off family is at risk of being scammed or fleeced, or taken advantage of..... As appears to be happening to the OP! As has been said, it should definitely be anonymous.

I am not saying all 'poor' families will try and fleece more well off families, but it certainly could happen. As I said, it appears to be happening with the OP, with the family she has been linked up with, asking for 'special foods.

When it is getting to the point - as the OP has said - that you are being expected to support another family on top of your own, and continue it AFTER Christmas too then that's nothing but a piss-take.

Donating to a food bank should be little more than donating a few tins of soup, some washing powder, and some noodles, and maybe bathroom items like shampoo and shower gel etc... Them expecting you to support another family (and and adhere to their dietary requirements,) is very odd, and well out of order.

The OP needs to withdraw from it.