Help me work this better - Christmas related

[LadyGrinch]

I have been lumbered with hosting Christmas for my DH's family for too long. They have never offered despite having no ailments, money or space issues and they are all able to whip up a roast. I have tried to be assertive but it still has some work needed. For example, I do not offer every year. We do our own thing sometimes. However, if we do not offer to host his parents and older sister, they do nothing, come across as upset and we feel guilty having a nice time. I did say to his sister that she could bring dessert last time and she was put out about it and brought the cheapest thing she could find in the supermarket despite earning a really good salary. She doesn't even bring a bottle of wine or small box of chocolates. Her contribution was a tiny cheesecake from Asda.

I am hosting again this year but I am adamant that I am not doing it again until they have both had their turns.

I need to assertively put this to them because I know they won't want to do it.

What I want to say is "I'm sick of all the effort and expense that I put into hosting at Christmas and I am not doing it anymore. I deserve to enjoy Christmas too and not waiting on you all. I am not doing it again".

How can I get my point across assertively, yet forcefully because I am NOT doing this again.

They're your DH's family, it's up to him to tell them.

I don't have any advice sorry but I can sympathise, I'm in the same situation except it's my family not DH's. A particularly low year was when I was unwell in the lead up to Xmas and said I didn't think we could host. Family said they couldn't go anywhere else so had to do it anyway. The next year we went abroad for Xmas - can't remember what they did in the end!!

Wait until after Christmas dinner when you are shattered and had a few glasses of wine. Plop yourself on the sofa looking tired and huff loudly. When they look round at you say "god I'm shattered. Next year it's your turn MIL I deserve a break".
Say it with a smile so it doesn't come across as aggressive. It's very unlikely anyone will be able to argue with you after having sat on their bums eating all your food all day.
Good luck.

At some point towards the end of the event, perhaps raise a glass for a toast to the cook, and say that the will be the last time you do Christmas.
Don't make a big production of it or you will spoil your own and DH's Christmas after all your hard work.

Then next year, in good time, book a restaurant or a country cottage, or whatever you fancy.
Don't depend on your DH to deal with his family, as he hasn't done so up to now.

Don't let the in laws guilt trip you or emotionally blackmail into doing what they want.

I see my own extended family before and after Christmas so I do not have the excuse of my own family's turn. This is part of the problem. I have told my DH that it should be 1 year we host PIL (SIL too is OK), then SIL should host her DP's or they host her. It should be a rota. We do go away sometimes and/or just spend it alone. This does not go down well. Every Christmas I have ever spent with them (over 20 years) has been hosted by me.

My own DH is not assertive enough to deal with his mother. Unfortunately I have to deal with it. They don't like me anyway so I may as well live up to the role of horrible DIL/SIL.

If they don't like you anyway. Tell them that everyone needs to contribute this year as it is becoming too much. Set a budget then divide it per adult and ask them for their contribution.
Then if they contribute, you can say. That worked well, if they don't you can use it as an excuse for ever more.

While I can see the benefits of asking everyone to contribute this year, the down side is that it still leaves LadyGrinch to do all the work and be responsible for the organisation.

And if the In Laws think it was a good idea, it then traps LG into proving Christmas in perpetuity, all for the price to the In Laws of a box of after eight mints.

What I want to say is "I'm sick of all the effort and expense that I put into hosting at Christmas and I am not doing it anymore. I deserve to enjoy Christmas too and not waiting on you all. I am not doing it again".

So what is stopping you saying just that?

This is my last one guys! I am handing the festival baton over to you next time. And this year we are asking for a small finincial continuation of £20 pp. for this you will be well fed and watered. If making a financial contribution is beyond you then please bring something from the list-

Bottle of champagne. Not Prosecco
Waitrose large Christmas pudding
Waitrose Yule Log
Large finest or similar packet of graveldax and 4 avocados.
12 mince pies
Bottle of Hendricks gin- no substitutions please.

I host every year. But BIL brings the cheese course and MIL brings a pudding and usually something else!

Do it over the pudding while everyone’s finishing up your excellent feast and no one can ‘misremember’ who contributed what. Big bright smile. ‘Right! Who’s hosting next year then?’ If dead silence/suggestion it should be you: ‘oh gosh no! I’ve just done this one. Who’s up next? You, SIL, or shall we all go to PILs? I’m happy to bring the cheese and biscuits.’

Hmmm how about putting on a basic buffet this year and tell PIL and SIL what to bring...

Basically stop being an amazing host and ask who is hosting next year?

I am really not an amazing host. They are just tight fisted and lazy.

Atalune, I buy myself a bottle of Hendriks every December as a treat. Now I cannot even have a glass when they are here because last time they polished it off between them and I had one glass.

Tell SIL to bring a BOX of wine otherwise it will be water to drink, PIL - cheeseboard/specific deserts?

I like grumble pants suggestion, think that would work well put them on the spot but in a non confrontational way.

Just don't invite them next year? If they start hinting just say ' I don't want to host this year so we're considering our options' they may extend the invitation, if not just keep repeating and do your own thing. You need your DH onside but if they're not invited they can't just rock up. If your DH is flakey make it clear if he invites them he's paying and he's cooking and clearing up and you may or may not have Christmas elsewhere that year.

Be straight and tell them you’re tired of hosting, it’s a huge amount of work and cost but you don’t mind doing turns. Prepare for awkward hostility the first year it’s in someone else’s but after that it will be fine. They are just being spoilt brats and taking your for granted.

They don't want to do a rota, so you can wish all you like, but unless you are prepared to force the issue, they won't magically behave better.

So say at some point you don't enjoy hosting, you dont think you'll bother again after next year. Any whinging, "Well if you want the big family get together, why don't you host? I've done it and don't really enjoy it."

You might find that actually, it's someone else making the effort rather than your company they want. This takes the pressure off if you don't feel they actually want to see you. You're just cheaper than a restaurant.

Let them complain. Repeat you aren't going to host again. (Not that you want to do your own thing, which suggests you don't want to spend it with them even if they would host). See if they care.

Re the Hendricks gin, keep it disguised in a kitchen cupboard and drink it out of a tea cup or mug!

Cunning idea
Have your own family Xmas din her on Xmas eve
Do a very poor show on Xmas day for the extended family/spongers. Might put them off for future years

Actually you have time to change the invite to Christmas Tea

Have big roast day before or after if you want to just give them turkey sandwich buffet.

Get dh to start a WhatsApp group. Just say you've got lots on in the run up so would like everyone to chip in.

SIL: bring a box of wine, a large christmas pudding and a cheese platter please
PIL: Can you cook and bring a turkey and some stuffing please

We'll sort the rest. Don't forget your marrigolds! X

Why host this year? Why not just send an email saying 'Who's hosting Christmas this year? We've done it for x years and can't face it again, though obviously happy to bring dessert & a bottle. Otherwise we're quite happy to just spend a nice quiet one on our own, whatever works for everyone. Just let us know!' Makes the point that you're sick of it, gives them the chance to offer and if not you get peace and quiet on your own. Sorted.

We do go away sometimes and/or just spend it alone. This does not go down well

The obvious comment is "so what?" Season of goodwill or not, there's no actual obligation to host such graceless people every year, so simply tell them it's someone else's turn next time and mean it

I'm just wondering if you're massively better off and that there's an attitude here of "they can afford it so why not?" If so, maybe remind them that it shouldn't be about money but a certain shared warmth - none of which they're displaying

And for this year, I like the PP's suggestion about just having hem round for a buffet tea with the leftover turkey

Have you offered to have them this year yet? If not I would be sending out a group message saying 'Just to let everyone know we won't be hosting Christmas this year, it's too much hassle and I need a break from the kitchen! If anyone else would like to we will bring Christmas pud and cream, no worries if not we are thinking about heading out for lunch!' And let them get on with it.