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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Help me work this better - Christmas related

64 replies

LadyGrinch · 22/11/2018 14:44

I have been lumbered with hosting Christmas for my DH's family for too long. They have never offered despite having no ailments, money or space issues and they are all able to whip up a roast. I have tried to be assertive but it still has some work needed. For example, I do not offer every year. We do our own thing sometimes. However, if we do not offer to host his parents and older sister, they do nothing, come across as upset and we feel guilty having a nice time. I did say to his sister that she could bring dessert last time and she was put out about it and brought the cheapest thing she could find in the supermarket despite earning a really good salary. She doesn't even bring a bottle of wine or small box of chocolates. Her contribution was a tiny cheesecake from Asda.

I am hosting again this year but I am adamant that I am not doing it again until they have both had their turns.

I need to assertively put this to them because I know they won't want to do it.

What I want to say is "I'm sick of all the effort and expense that I put into hosting at Christmas and I am not doing it anymore. I deserve to enjoy Christmas too and not waiting on you all. I am not doing it again".

How can I get my point across assertively, yet forcefully because I am NOT doing this again.

OP posts:

AtrociousCircumstance · 22/11/2018 18:12

You’re just going to have to be honest and as nice as possible, maybe after the event.

So: ‘was so lovely to see you all for Christmas, thanks for coming. Just to let you know we feel it’s only fair for us to have a break from hosting Christmas for a few years now. Happy to come to you if that’s what you’d like! Have a fabulous new year

Ceilingrose · 22/11/2018 18:14

Just tell them. And say you want a break, like everyone else.

Your actual problem is that if they change their behaviour and sulk or whatever as a result, you find it difficult to handle.

Their reaction isn't your problem. It is your problem if you feel guilty and can't cope with other people's guilt tripping. That's the thing to address. Practice saying what you want more.

People often guilt trip you if they don't like the message , especially selfish people. If you work on yourself and your own boundaries you will be less prone to doing things you don't want to do because you cant face the reaction if you don't.

Angie169 · 22/11/2018 18:42

I agree with some of the PP ,
If you have already offered / forced into doing it this year then I would get everyone involved in providing a cold buffet , we did this via whatapp group for birthday a few months ago which meant everyone brought something via a allocated list ie X brings pud , Y brings cheese and crackers W brings salad and bread and Q brings meat so it spread the cost and hassle you provide the booze a box of ( insert supermarket ) red and white wine , a bottle of own brand gin / vodka / whisky / cola / lemonade .

Once everyone has had a glass of plonk and a bit of grub ( dont wait till the end as people will be / say they were , to drunk to remember )
Say very cheerfully well that worked well so next year Q brings Pud, X brings cheese and crackers and so on. And ask who is going to have it at there house ?

If they grumble about this ask how much they are will to pay per head at local fancy restaurant , if they grumble at this ask who is going to cook a full xmas dinner then .

Good luck

Angie169 · 22/11/2018 18:45

Ha ha A box of red and white wine ? that will be that well known stripey wine

Puzzledandpissedoff · 22/11/2018 18:51

A very insightful post, Ceilingrose

Ceilingrose · 22/11/2018 19:41

Hard learned, Puzzled!

Original poster

LadyGrinch · 22/11/2018 20:14

CeilingRose is spot on. I wish I was a bit more selfish and didn't care about what others think.

Puzzled is also correct in that they think DH and I are a bit better off and so should pay for everything.

I have tried to get everyone to have Christmas dinner out so we can ALL enjoy ourselves but they won't pay for themselves and would expect DH to pay for it. I've tried that one.

OP posts:

OrdinarySnowflake · 22/11/2018 20:22

See OP - you going away or having Chrsitmas day alone didn't tell them you feel they should take turns in hosting. Adn that you keep inviting them even though they don't invite you shows you don't mind that they never host you.

I would be honest - "I don't enjoy always hosting, can someone else take a turn? I'm happy to bring XYZ if that helps."

What's the worse that can happen? They say "but we hate hosting too" - well that just puts you back in the position you are in now, but with the added bonus that they can't pretend to themselves that you don't mind their selfishness, or complain that you go away/go out when they won't host you - if they say you should spend Christmas together "we tried that, but none of you wanted to take a turn hosting and we don't want to do it everytime."

Be blunt, rather than miserable.

It's ok if they aren't happy with it, remember they won't be angry at you because they think you are wrong to not enjoy hosting everytime - because you know they also feel the same way! They agree with you. They just want you to carry on doing all the work because they don't want to.

At least this way they won't think you doing your own thing is because you don't want to spend time with them, just that you don't want to do the work every year and to share it.

Uniquack · 22/11/2018 20:35

I would just tell them I'm not doing it this year period. You won't enjoy it anyway if you're seething over it the whole day. If they want to know why tell them the truth, or say you've made other arrangements.

Right now I am so pissed off with people taking the piss I'd probably just tell them to piss right off, but that's just me.

Aquamarine1029 · 22/11/2018 20:40

Stop worrying about being the nice guy/people pleaser. If you don't want to host this year, just tell them. Who cares what they think? They offer nothing, why should you put up with it? Fuck them.

BlueJava · 22/11/2018 20:44

If you don't like hosting I am not sure why you don't just have Xmas by youselves or go away? So what if they are huffy about it - you aren't there with them.

Sewrainbow · 22/11/2018 20:51

I agree with pp, I'd just refuse to host. Change your attitude to their guilt tripping, you'll have a valid response to everything,

They could host...
They could bring quality food...
They could pay a contribution...
You could all go out...

Any comments about cost just respond with but why should we always pay?
If they say you can afford it put them straight and say so can they.

If you think they hate you anyway it doesn't matter they think about you standing up to them robustly!

Cornishclio · 22/11/2018 20:58

If you don't want to host then don't. Don't invite, don't offer, tell your DH if he wants to host he can do it all and you will be in front of the TV with your bottle of gin. Who cares what his family thinks.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 22/11/2018 20:58

Hard learned, Puzzled!

Somehow I thought that would be the case

they think DH and I are a bit better off and so should pay for everything

Ditto - as above ^^
Frankly, these kind of people make me irritable; I'm sure you wouldn't mind a slightly more modest day, if at least they'd offer. And forget any idea about having the meal out ... if they won't chip in more than a cheapo cheesecake you haven't a hope in hell of them agreeing to that!!

Ooplesandbanoonoos · 22/11/2018 21:05

Could you say via a group text/email
Just confirming plans for this year ( eg we will eat at this time etc.)
Looking forward to it but have been chatting to DH and we are going to take a break from hosting next year. If anyone wants to host i am happy to lend my good roasting tin ha ha!

Or something like that then it sets the tone for after dinner saying itl be strange taking a year off next year but im looking forward to it...

Echobelly · 22/11/2018 21:08

I've found generally the best way to address these things is from a positive angle - what you do want rather than what you don't want. In this case of possible you should have the discussion about what you want to happen with DH and say you want him to make that happen. Emphasise why it will be positive etc.

Candlelights2345 · 22/11/2018 21:12

RangeRider suggestion is perfect - use this!
CF’s drinking your bloody gin too!

girlywhirly · 22/11/2018 21:15

If DH is as helpless as all that, just tell him that for 20 yrs you have hosted his ungrateful family, and you have had enough. Tell them that you have had enough and they will have to sort themselves out this year, and every other year. They have plenty of time to organise themselves.

Can you see more of your family and for longer, even if you have to stay in a hotel for some of the time? Just to make yourselves less accessible to DH’s family. If you have to be home on Christmas Day, think about what you would like to have to eat even if it’s steak and chips, or a takeaway as minimal effort. It may not be too late to get a restaurant booking, but at least you’ll have options. It’s miserable to be taken for granted for so long.

HollowTalk · 22/11/2018 21:18

I couldn't stand this! I'm agitated on your behalf!

Don't do it this year. Don't make plans for next year - just think of this year. Send them a message, "Sorry, I won't be doing Christmas this year. I've done it for 20 years and every year I've been knackered and broke at the end of it. This year DH and I are having a really quiet Christmas."

honeysucklejasmine · 22/11/2018 21:20

Don't do it. Tell them no.

Original poster

LadyGrinch · 22/11/2018 21:23

I like RangeRiders response too. Funny thing is I am close enough to them to cook dinner but I am not close enough to them to send them an email. They would probably think it was spam or I'd lost the plot.

I have not hosted them for 20 years. I do get out of it when I get pissed off. I've probably done it for 10 years and it has been at my house all 10. I didn't do it last year.

you going away or having Christmas day alone didn't tell them you feel they should take turns in hosting. And that you keep inviting them even though they don't invite you shows you don't mind that they never host you

This is so true. I am a bit confused as to why when we have gone away or said we are just stying home and doing nothing this Christmas on our own, they have not taken the hint. I don't know why I am surprised. They are that thick skinned and you are right that they don't care that they never host or that I am sick of it.

OP posts:

Oobis · 22/11/2018 21:24

How's about husband caters?

Original poster

LadyGrinch · 22/11/2018 21:34

I am going to buy some cheapo gin that tastes like shit. That'll teach them and refill my glass in the kitchen whilst they sit on their arses in the other room .

OP posts:

Puzzledandpissedoff · 22/11/2018 21:39

I am going to buy some cheapo gin that tastes like shit. That'll teach them and refill my glass in the kitchen

Better still, decant the cheapo gin into an empty bottle of the decent stuff - give them that, but make sure you have a new bottle of the good gin to pour from for yourself

Butterymuffin · 22/11/2018 21:42

Since they don't like you anyway, I'd just refuse to do it again, including this year. What have you got to lose?

What would your DH say? Does he get antsy if you don't go along with it to keep the peace? What would happen if you told him it's his turn to cook if he wants them to come over?

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