Help me work this better - Christmas related

[LadyGrinch]

I have been lumbered with hosting Christmas for my DH's family for too long. They have never offered despite having no ailments, money or space issues and they are all able to whip up a roast. I have tried to be assertive but it still has some work needed. For example, I do not offer every year. We do our own thing sometimes. However, if we do not offer to host his parents and older sister, they do nothing, come across as upset and we feel guilty having a nice time. I did say to his sister that she could bring dessert last time and she was put out about it and brought the cheapest thing she could find in the supermarket despite earning a really good salary. She doesn't even bring a bottle of wine or small box of chocolates. Her contribution was a tiny cheesecake from Asda.

I am hosting again this year but I am adamant that I am not doing it again until they have both had their turns.

I need to assertively put this to them because I know they won't want to do it.

What I want to say is "I'm sick of all the effort and expense that I put into hosting at Christmas and I am not doing it anymore. I deserve to enjoy Christmas too and not waiting on you all. I am not doing it again".

How can I get my point across assertively, yet forcefully because I am NOT doing this again.

How much does your husband contribute towards the Christmas effort op? Because if the answer is "nothing" then that is where your problem lies. His family merely follow his lead

Leave the catering to your OH.

It's his family.

Does your OH cook when your family come around.

It's your OH you need to be assertive with OP.

Tell him you are not cooking this year.
If he wants to do all the shopping, preparation and cooking then fine.

Stop being a doormat.

If you do end up hosting, buy everything from Lidl and Aldi and leave all the packaging on prominent display...

How much practical stuff does your DH actually do - does he do the lists and shopping, does he do all the veg, does he spend most of Christmas morning in the kitchen?

Honestly? Feck that

Tell them now that you’re not doing Christmas because you’re knackered and sick of paying for everything only to do all the work!

Warn them you’re going out for Christmas dinner at a pub the week before and Christmas Day is bacon cranberry and Brie toasties (this is our Christmas tradition every year and it’s bliss. Cheap and yummy and stress free)

I'm also seething on your behalf! Look, you've hosted the fuckers 300 times and they still don't like you. This year isn't going to be the magic Christmas when the entitled twats suddenly release what a generous, hard-working and all-round lovely person you are (as you certainly seem!). Maybe telling them straight that you're not doing it this year because you're sick of being the only ones who are prepared to go to the effort and expense of hosting everyone for Christmas, so they can all fucking sort themselves out henceforth, might not make them like you, but it might make them treat you with a bit more respect.

"Seething"??

Not getting that.

If you behave like a doormat then others will treat you like one.

When it comes to entertaining OHs family I adopt a diva stance.

I make do some last minute pimping of the table, but otherwise my part in proceedings is to look gorgeous, make small talk and drink G&T.

OH shops, cooks and washes up.

I am a bit confused as to why when we have gone away or said we are just stying home and doing nothing this Christmas on our own, they have not taken the hint.

The hint was too vague and could be taken 2 ways. You have assumed it to be "we would love to spend christmas with you, but don't want to be the ones to host all the time." what they may have taken away was "we don't want to spend every christmas day with you, we're happy to host on the ones we do want to spend with you though".

Tell them - spell it out, "I love spending the day with you all, but find hosting hard work and feel I've done more than my fair share, can someone else take over hosting this/next year?"

I'd just take back the invitation.

Call them and say you've changed your mind and don't want to host ever again. If they kick off so what? They don't like you anyway.

It's early enough that they can make other arrangements. Don't feel guilty about enjoying yourself when they aren't. They are responsible for their own happiness.

Actually I'm horrified that they don't like you but you're tying yourself in knots over this. If they liked you it would be more difficult - now it is easy.

Maybe they don't know what you want?

Maybe you need to task them with bringing something that matters to them. Maybe all the alcohol for everyone. Give them a list. Have a secret stash for yourself. Make sure that dh pulls his weight too.

Your husband needs to be more assertive and tell them you're not hosting Christmas again this year. You can tell them too but it's his family so he should be making it clear to them.

What exactly is your husband's stance in all this?

Does he look after you and fight your corner or does he avoid confrontation with his family? (I'm guessing the latter). Does he realise how much hard work and what an imposition on you it is, or does he just think it's wifework and you should be doing it?

The silence regarding his attitude is deafening.

As well as sorting out his family, it sounds as if he may in need of a serious attitude adjustment.